It's all right now, at least I feel better about it

I -still- like the LiveJournal better, mainly for the way the 'notifier' works; if I reply to a comment left here, the commentor (I think) has to come back to the post to see it and doesn't get notified that I've replied.. or maybe I'm doing it wrong. ANYHOW, if you come, leave a comment, please. If you'd like to start a dialogue, that's easily arranged. Oh, and it's 'intentional,' that the reader feels like they maybe shouldn't be seeing this. It -IS- very intimate and it is deep into a conversation that's been going on for years, maybe decades. There's a whole LOT more context for this discussion in the relative next (previous) four posts, if you're inclined to keep reading into the blog. And so to the post\/ \/ \/
Tuepm.. only eight, but feeling ever so much later. I finished w/Ariel's camp fic and sent it back weeping, then I chatted her up for afew min and now I can't stop weeping. I should try to find a way to talk about that.
You should.
I.. really, I want, I need to think this is merely the 'down' part of my cycle.
Maybe it is. Still..
What?
Get a chill chip (Lorazepam) in and go drain the potto.
You're inviting me to stall?
I'm inviting you to get collected.
I'd rather take the stall when you get the inquisition going.
You know I'm going to point out that the 'thing' w/MAT seems to be..
A downer?
No, we ALL know there's nothing but good times to remember.
Except for that ONE crushing incident.
She didn't leave you.
I know.
So what is that unbearable clench in your chest that comes so regularly when her nearness is missed?
I can't explain.
Give it a shot.
Really, I don't know. Maybe it's the completely awful feeling that I'll never see her.. hear her.. again. Maybe it's that I feel so unentitled to miss her that way, that much.
Unentitled.. prob'ly not a really word but I know what you mean, but not why you chose it.
It's that infatuation thing, it's like I let that 'thing' grow in my mind.. that thing that wanted.. more.
More.
More than I was invited, more than I was entitled to.. have. And the hell of it izzat I still want.. wonder, and it's no more..
No more.
Don't you get the infatuation thing? It's one-way.
Ease up, Ken.
The obsess, man, for whatever reason I let that fixation grow I wasn't able to let it go in the weeks before school ended and I haven't been able to let it go in the YEARS since.
It was a lot of fun, tho'.
Yeah , you don't have to remind me that I got lots of grins from flaunting the fascination. That's.. I guess that's the creepy thing; I'd cook crazy silly stuff from the sylphs to that fab stuff about the lipstick and I wanted her to tell me I was getting 'out of line' and she never did. Like the stain challenge, stuff.. and that was early, like that first summer while Greatest Good was being writ, the whole point was to make her say eww. I couldn't make her blink.
Overmatched.
Yeah, nice touch.
I know how you like to see your vocab come back.
In one sense, it was ..
Liberating?
Well, it gave me free rein to express the obsess to the object of my fascination and I suppose that was kind of liberating but it .. it was sucha thrill. Okay, I think here's what WAS.. it was like a dance, this is where that 'all about the work' bit got started, as long as the action,such as it was, stayed on the page, it was grand fun. And it DID stay on the page.
Except.
Yeah, there has to be an except, a but. Except I got..
I can say it, but I'd rather you put it on the line.
Except I got emotionally attached.
That's not the pretty line.
I got my heart engaged. And THAT brought, and still brings a lot of guilt.
I think,' tho', that we can agree that guilt is a waste of time and energy; you should, you NEED to forgive yourself.
But.
You can't, imean you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling.. for wanting that closeness.
Yeah, you make it seem so easy.. get over it.
That is not what I'm saying. I think, really, that it's nice that you feel so fondly of Martha; that's good solid friendshit. I would never want you to 'get over it.'
What ARE you saying?
Forgive yourself for getting attached, turn loose of the guilt.
How?
Start by saying the words.. I forgive myself for feeling guilty about having a good friend.
I forgive myself for having such a good friend.
Yeah, like that.
A good friend I lusted hard for.
Eh, that's REALLY small stuff, you do that all the time and..
I see your point. Damn, I've got really good buds to put up w/that kinda.. stuff.
You do, those people are blessings in your life.
I'm not sure exactly how the line was set the first time, but we've made that observation before, about friends that are so dear, that KNOW your secrets and you can look them in the face, knowing that they know and knowing that they know and it doesn't matter because they ARE such good and dear friends.
I miss her so much.
The distance is mostly imaginary.
I forgive myself for feeling guilty about having such a good friend. Do you think this li'l grief piece will creep her out?
You are NOT going to creep her out.
I've tried not to 'share' these pieces about how much I miss her.
I know.
I felt like it would make her feel bad to know I felt bad.
Friends will do that. You DO know that she's still your dear true friend..
Yeah, I s'pose I've never doubted it. It .. it still makes me feel weird, sitting rchere w/tears streaming down my cheeks.
It's not so bad. I think we were primed for a good extended weep.
You're not the least bit ashamed?
I'm not. I think you're due to wash your face and blow your nose.. get that doc you want printed ready..
Do we need to some summing up?
Do we?
I was wondering about sending tonight's run to Martha.
See if she'll cheese it.
Yeah.
I'd say go for it.
Yeah?
I know it'd be a huge rush if it came back w/her fingerprints all over it.
Yeah, it would.. and I think it's decent, imean, there's @ least the prospect of growth, some .. you know, hope.
I want you to think about that mouth.. visualize.
That's sooo easy.
You're smiling.
Yeah, how 'bout that. Heh, ttto Kawliga.
Yeah, that's pretty funny.
Hank, what a character.
Did you get the pill in?
Yes. Oh I didn't do the Depakote tho'. How much editing is this thing going to take?
Not much, mainly we've been taking care of the stray characters and spaces as we go along and we NEVER excise pieces of text.
Well, there was that ONE line you took out of the LJ post.
-I- took it out?
I'm pretty sure you took it out; it was one of those 'pointy' refs.
I think I know what you're talking about.
Ibetcha I could scroll up a few pages and fetch it down if you'd like to see it.
Yeah, do that.. maybe snag a line or few of context.
Got it.
That was nearly quick.
Actually, I was hunting hard and saw a note about the line I'd left out of the previous post, so THAT was a big tip. Here 'tis > > > I don't mind (much) saying that I'm not ready or able, nor do I forsee that change coming, to discuss the crap that lingers in the creepy recesses. I'll admit that I thought it'd be neat meet and nifty in a truly peculiar way if I'd been able to fish Martha into the 'tough questioner' role w/the post.. iguess it was last week.. the relative last one she commented on. < < < < the line 'left out was.. 'fished in.'
That's close enough. Why'd I cut it?
I think you wanted to see if she'd volunteer.
As I recall, she sorta did.
Sorta. Her comment reffed a plural WE can help or something along those lines. It's bedtime, Ken. Wanna go visiting the old sylph sites again?
Yeah, that was kinda interesting.
/\ /\ THAT comment makes a reference to a whole 'nother box of weird that'd been opened Monpm. I left it in because that's the kinda editing I do. It's good for the contex.. sort of.

-km-