Yeah, well, we'll see

Hmm. It’s ten ‘til oneAM, now Sat 9-11-10. My intended opener went “I masturbate a lot, I don’t know if I’ve ever writ that line before.” And then it runs into a non-discussion about why, maybe, I’ve never committed that admission to.. ink or the electron string. It’s still a neat int ope, tho’, doncha think.. if I put it up @ A Muse, there’s a light chance someone would ask about it; those sorta things are generally pitched out JUST to get somekinda reaction, anyway. You’ve GOT to know that I’m nearly desperate for attention, that’s why I kinda cultivated the persona of the “say anything” guy. I guess it’s more like the “admit anything” fella. Glynda asked me today, in the context of my mention that I didn’t sleep @ all Wed, what I do w/all those min and suggested the answer that I write and I seemed to agree. Would she have been shocked if id said I masturbate a lot.. prob’ly not. In fact, it is the thing I do most when I’ve got idle hands. I write, eh, maybe a lot, depends on whose standard you use.. not so much in relation to Martha, f’rinstance.. she’s a writing machine, and publishing most of every line she writes, it seems. I get my share of lines filled, I think, tho’ not nearly enough.. there’s so much I want to say that I “can’t” and so DAMN many stories I want to tell but can’t seem to get out of the stream. Out of the stream.. in that ref, I mean that I can’t get my modality out of the stream, I can start reelin’ on a story string and then it starts to run deep and the line breaks.. like that anglin’ metaphor? It’s okay. JUST in case, there’s something to be gained by doing short posts, I’m going to break this chunk off and stick it up @ both blogs..

peace and hope
-km-

hmmm

So, no posts in the relative -here- since late May.. I guess I understand that, I mostly post @ LiveJournal. There are things I don't especially LIKE about the GoogleBlog spot, notably it seems like I have to actually come SEE the page and posts to see if I collected the rare comment.. whereas @ A Muse (my LJ blog) the commentscome right to my my gmail. BUT if you've dropped in.. probably boo.. go ahed (please and browse; most of it's stuff from my machine journal (as opposed to my ink journal) and theres one stretch of five or so posts where I come to grips with the psychosexual obsession that literally wrecked my mind.. well, I've mostly gotten over it; that's here too, I think.
Please don't leave without TRYING to leavea comment.. that's another thing I've "heard," izzat sometimes comments don't want to stick.
peace and hope
-km-

waiting for the..

As a rule (my own), I don't write into the blog space,
nearly everything is composed in the machine journal..
THAT'S what I was trying to find! the "invitation to
play in my wrandomness generator." Hang oh, I'll do it
writ here.. heh.
I've got this doc.. a compilation really, I call the
Fake Chronolgy; it's 1170 (relative currently) pages of
personal and often crypic prose spanning about 25 years
of me and my fingers on a or the keyboard. The first
"actual date in the stream is 5-13-82, it's on p4.. MOST
of it's MUCH more recent..@ p472 I'm up to May '06 and..
so, I was wondering if I couldget a little "audience
participation" number going here.

Pick a number, for instance a page number, or a date, and
I'll see what I can do to ""pull it up" for you. I've done
this before, it's great fun.. sometimes takes a bit of
context for a page to make anthinglike sense, but hey,
give it a try. If requests come in, I'll prob'ly post the
replies @ A Muse as well as the relative here. I'm not
much of a fan of how the "notifier" works (or doesn't) @
this site.. it seems like I (or you) must actually revisit
the page to find out if there's been a reply or a comment.
Maybe I set it up wrong.
Well, I'm thinking I need to dash and get this bit posted..
y'know there COULD be a line of impatient folk waiting for
their response to this prompt.. But that seems unlikely given
the way traffic moves @ either site.
Here's the thing, school's running out and I've got some
powerful mania surgin.
I've got the house mostly to my'elf for some hours and an
inclation to get bent.
hugs
y'all come see me sometime, y'hear!
-k-

Not giving up

4-20-10 Back from therapy. I had a restless night..
not exactly restless, I got my sleep, but I kept
waking too often after the 130AM pop.. finally,
around 420AM I got up and came to the office where
I stayed mainly occupied in the smurf for most of
five hours ‘til I went to see Shirl. I still don’t
have much for objectives, but I think that this is
going to be a more positive experience than I
remember the previous el tee being.. imean, except
for Suzana being soo damn good looking (Shirl, eh,
not so much), I think that this gal will keep me on
track, if there’s a track to get on, so far that’s
still very vague. Shirl WILL stop me from telling
stories JUST to be telling stories, so the bitto
theater aspect that seems so large, before, is
absent this scalled time. So, here sits Ken, tense
and clueless and tense about being clues and
clueless about why I’m tense. Poof, tiny poof
actually.. I did a few lines in the LZ file and
noticed that Jen had gotten up so I went to the
other side of the door for a short short.. fix and
ate a couple of fishy sammiches and then stretched
out for about, um I guess about a couple hours of
nap.. it’s rc 250pm. Once I started sliding into
the drowse, it was really really hard to stir off
the couch. I’ll be okay, we’ll call it simple nap..
not overly long.
Quit staring.
I don’t know what else to do.
Move your fingers.
Yeah, okay.
It’s not so hard is it?
I s’pose not.
How’s the coffee?
Best I’ve made in a while.
You, um..
Yeah, lots of um. I was wondering if one of the
reasons I have such a hard time talking to Jen is
that you I we don’t want her to worry.. sort of
need to be strong for her thing going on. I can’t
tell her about the job and I can’t tell her about
my psychosis.
More stress she doesn’t need.
Like I’m protecting her.
At the expense of..
See that’s the thing. I’ve spent a lot of socalled
time mourning the loss of intimacy.. figuring I was
prob’ly @ fault for undermining her trust and..
What?
Loads of stuff I don’t know how to talk about it..
even w/me.
That’s only kinda weird.
Tell me about it.
I’ve been going into the archives and finding odd
weeps. Sometimes it’s emo stuff like the Ranger
lines.. rc JUST now it was this little piece of
cheese that jolted me so hard I had to shut the file.
Cheese.
Martha stuff.
I know, I was fishing for details.
It’s was so weird.. I didn’t even see the context,
only her comment, “an adventure.. like the
adventure girl?”
Oh.
You expect me to connect the dots backward from the
penance piece to the .. I can’t, not w/out going to
get the documentation.
So much what if, huh.
I can’t let myself or yourself think that way.
Okay, I’ll, um, not then.
So, we’re back to watching the fingers not move.
Try to keep ‘em out of the eye brows and moustache.
Dude..i’m going to break apart.
I think you ought to let go as much as you can and
there’s not a safer place than the relative here.
Shirl asked if I was familiar w/emotional affairs.
Yeah, I’d already mentioned sexless affairs..
So.. the elf.
Yeah.
So now all my love brings me only pain.
It’s not supposed to be that way.
That’s my line.
Breaking.. down and not making any sense.
You’re doing fine, I know exactly what you mean.
I reckon that’s good enough the.
Yeah, don’t try to explain.
How do I sort it out w/out going thru’ the motions
of explanation?
Go thru’ the motions if it helps.
There’s no good place to start.
I miss Jen.. been missing her for years I was
missing her, I’m sure, when I started showing
notebooks to Glynda. I’d bet that was part of
the reason, the rationale for getting.. into
that entanglement.
That’s an odd term.
You know that I love Glynda.
I know that.
You know that it’s a way much different love than
I have for Chas or even George.
Can you compare it to my love for..
My love?
Our love, your love.. for Martha.. or Jen.
Wow. Love.. I can’t do this. Every part of this
discuss is more painful than I can stand.
Try a different tack. Look @ the crazy thing..
Remember Shirl asking what I considered crazy.
Yeah. My love.. our love. Crazy.
I won’t deny that.
Do you see the peculiarly possessive tone?
You can love Martha but I can’t..
That’s not fair.
I was there, I know how the string broke.
Okay, maybe you have a point.
Maybe. The phrase dirty little secret is suggested.
There aren’t any secrets in here, tho’, are there?
Only the stuff you haven’t admitted yet.
Admitted into evidence.
Evidence of thought crimes.
Change, slightly, of topic.. what are you looking
for in the archives?
Distraction.
I know that’s what you say.. really, is that all
there is to it?
That’s enough. I’ve been seriously in need of
distraction; it.. man, you’re here, you know what
it’s like. I absolutely can’t stand to be alone in
my own head.
So the drama.
Yeah, loads of personal angst; I guess I should
keep it to myself.
No, I’m here for you, buddy.
I feel crazy, these are the crazy intervals.. I
feel like I’m literally falling apart. I hurt and
I don’t know what to do or who to tell.. or what
I would say. This is a wallow, huh?
Don’t sweat it, I’m not going to tell you to shut up.
I’m not sure this is helpful.
Do you think it’s harmful, or hurtful?
I’m thinking that, from a mental health standpoint,
if I’m feel like I’m, as I said, coming apart, then
this particular exercise is more conducive to further
splintering or shattering than healing.
Because of the dialogue voices thing..
Yeah, exactly.
So I should shut up? I can let you do a monologue; I
thought I was helping.
So..
Yeah?
You know, rushing to post this exchange.
I’m sure there’s a point, but I fail to see it.
Yeah, well, I.. I guess I wanted to put it out JUST
to see if anyone would acknowledge seeing it.
Okay, good luck w/that; y’know you COULD simply
email the piece to, um, anyone you think..
That would put folk on the spot, sort of. Then they
nearly HAVE to, um, respond, and I don’t want to
make anyone more uncomfortable than I’ve made myself.


peace and hope
-km-

Testing the Line-adjust

I think that one of the things I appreciate about slash
is that section in so many of the stories where one of
the men is full of doubt about whether he's allowed to
touch his lover in the gentle way he wants.. that very
identifiable fear of being rebuffed.. well, that and the
romance. I've developed a taste for romance stories that
has truly surprised me. Twilight, f'rinstance, and the
Catherine Marshall thing, Christie, that Glynda turned
me on to. oh, I took a few min and marked a few papers,
that task still holds less than no interest. So, um, I
did the whine, to feeling a bit better. I guess I wanna
see about doing a post, that'll complete the wallow,
maybe tonight I'll browse Her Two Dads s'more, if I still
feel the need for a weep.
It would be easy.. or maybe too hard to bear.. here's a
bit from New Moon. = = = = = I wondered how long this
could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain
would JUST decrease to the point where I could bear it –
I would be able to look back on those few short months
that would always be the best of my life. And if it were
possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow
me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for
as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for,
more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see
it that way. But what if this hole never got any better?
If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was
permanent and irreversible? = = = = = =
Yeah.. easy weeps. The hole thing, which I like best of
all, sorta doesn't fit the context of the previous
section, it needs the ref of the sentence before how
long this could last.. a line about trying to breathe
w/out lungs, itself a ref the aching around the edges
of the hole in my chest. There's very little doubt that
I'm going to explore my own stupidity for an hour or few..
get my pm meds in, scoop the cats' box and start firing in
Ambien. 1143pm, the box is done, the meds are in, coffee's
set up for the AM.. clothes are not.. prob'ly oughta go
tend to that detail while I can still navigate the hall
w/out leaning too much on the doorways. brb. Pills, aint
that something. I guess iota slip over to MT and do the
chart before they send their robo reminder to my Gspot.
I can feel the sleep window opening behind me, I don't
think it's going to get a whole lot closer, or inviting,
'til I have @ least one more pill in me and I'd kinda
like to see if I could swing four. Stranger things have
happened. It doesn't matter a whit that the untend remains
untended. I woulda liked to hatch four semi insightful
warms, but I don't see that happening either.. and now,
I'd like to be done thinking about school for five or six
hours. It's after midnite, if you have any hope of slipping
a second Ambien it, this would be the socalled time to do
it. I don't think there's much chance that one more can get
in, much less two, and have a reasonable expectation of
getting up and going by sixAM. Annit wouldn't take a whole
lot to push 630AM out of the likely range. Done w/school,
remember? Well, that's going to bring us back to the easy
weep and why..
I think I covered that why pretty well, because it's maybe
cathartic.
Maybe. I don't think you want to do it rchere.
No?
No, go stretch out between the pillow and mask.. see if
you can summon a sylph and, pretty much whatever the
outcome, you'll be watering up and likely sobbing in
JUST a few minutes.
You make it sound so easy.
It is, but it's also easy to turn your focus outward and
get another stack of papers marked. The dope isn't going
to get in the way of that operation.
It's school.
Yeah. Hmm, figger the first Ambien went in around a
quarter 'til elevenpm, the next maybe haffan hour later.
I think we could get away w/pitching the third, oh.. say
in the relative next five or ten min. THEN, if you were
really committed to loading four, it would fit nicely,
sort of, @ midnight.
Here's a minor complication. I need to go get a drink..
water, I guess, and that's going to prompt a drunken
stroll to the kitchen.
I can handle it.. back it ten secs.
I think it was closer to thirty. Ready for the third pill?
Sure, I'm feeling stoopid and dangerous.
Good, it's in already.
Yay, I guess.
Are we ready to launch a full-frontal on the HUN?
That doesn't happen.
Didn't thinxo.
We're looking to build on the pieces like couch trippin'
and adv grl to get some paths laid out where we can "walk
safely" w/y'know, precedent on our side. I get the sense
that, your continued work on the Albatross and the RaT
figure quite large in the movement.
The movement?
The revolution in American letters that will make CUS a
serious bit of lit.
As far as I know, -none- of the LD/EK epic has been writ.
It takes a bit of scaffolding.
This is not a problem?
This is not a problem because I you we are going to live
forever.
Here comes a quart 'til midnight.
Cool, @ 1212AM you get to drop the fourth pill.. and
swallow it this socalled time, the last one's been
crawling around under my tongue for a while and it
doesn't taste good.
Sure, I'll see what I can do for you.
So, what do you think?
Well, we're a lot more cogent that I woulda guessed.
It's a good team. Lemme take you in here and introduce
you to the legendary Cod Sterling.
Really?
Why would I make something like that up?
Hey Ken.. Again.
I'm not staying; Ken thought some time w/you might be useful.
Well, you call in if you've got a point.
I'm determined to stay out of the way.
Ken.
Cod.
Beer, whisky, herbals?
I'm fine, for now, we'll see how it goes.
Yeah, good choice. I'm starting w/a glass of bourbon..
maybe an ice cube.
Whisky's good, I like mine w/strong coffee.. Cod, I
think I've wrecked my marriage.
Is she talking about leaving?
No.
So, you feel compelled to talk about the various.. what..
betrayals.. have you had sex outside you marriage?
Oh.. tough one to come back to, I came in, rc this time
to not take the fifth amendment I and if there was an op
to be be seriously stoopid, this it.
So.. the question. Have you had sex outside of marriage.
Yes, the best and worst sort.. anonymous sex, sucking
cocks presented thru' holes in the walls of viewing rooms
in an adult arcade.
When?
Y'mean, fixed in socalledtime? '83-'85
Write around the time the perfect child was born.
Yu[onfum tu[omsjot isay typing has certainly turned into
a real adventure.
Maybe I shoulda stayed w/the prn, iy'd rbrt do muvh
rsdirt yo vlrsn up ig uo
Yeah, bud.. ever so much easier to clean up if you know
what it's s'posed to say. It's going to be twoAM and
none of the mysterioso stuff I think we all came out to
see has occurred. I think we should all call it a night
and see if this fella can get a little rest.. he still
hasn't to managed to set his alarm clock. I'll get bedward,
it's twoAM, almost for sure hitting a record fifth pill
tho' I have no expectations that It's going to help now.
The quest to bring a sylph or two to my bed to tenderly
rub my several aches away in the confines of my bed or
any other locale they wash whisk me away to. So the pill's
in and now it's stand up and walk away for the short bit..
don't even turn the machine off.. JUST fold the lid down
ttto Welcome to the Machine. It's 205AM.

long damn weekend

..annit's not over YET ! !

3-26-10 it does not feel like a Friday,, but the kiddos see
mainly sedate so I'm going to whine about that, Yup, I'm @
school, rc second period's in; it seemed like about half of
first didn't show up, that's fine, too. I prob'ly -could- get
a 'good reading' on the psychic condition.. running slightly
manic, evidenced by less sleep, shorter temper, more smurf,
and generally distracted racing thoughts. I can stand it..
b'lieve me, I like it a whole lot better than the slight dep
evidenced by escapist naps, quick frustration, low libido,
and tendency to easy weeps. When I did the MT chart rc last
night, it looked like I'd spent all of yesterday and the day
before AND part of, um Wed in the 'slightly elevated' range.
It's especially nice if I can get thru' the weekend w/that
slightly 'raised' edge, it makes getting the paper crap
(untend) taken care of much more likely. Well, up to a point,
y'know.. when the maniac gets into that ADHD short attention
span crap, very little gets what you'd recognize as accomplished.
So fifth comes in.. always less fun than usual. Couple that
w/the the mania's temper and it's a grueling start. It gets
some better after I throttle one kid and behead another.. the
rest sorta fell in line after that. In the something to look
forward to, dept., I'll start picking up George's kids (@ last)
Mon. Of course, it's one of those things I had to force action
on and I'm not especially pleased w/the way it'll work out
but.. it's better for me to bring a couple of kids into classes
where I've got some seats than have 'em wandering the halls
"off the grid." Fucking school.. can't keep it out of mind.
Look around, fella, I think it's GOING to dominate while
you're in the c'room.
Yeah, that's prob'ly write.. what else is there, how badly I
need to go pee? Whew.. glad THAT came out, y'know, came out
well; it'll make the remaining haffan hour much easier to
bear. It did and almost suddenly I've got seventh coming in
and I expect they'll want some attention. Yeah, we played a
game I showed them yesterpm.. their suggestion, which I'd
anticipated. The game is a neat vocab thing working off a list
of words that can be used as, both, noun and verbs. Before
they came in, I was browsing some old files and file a pile
of links.. I'm pretty sure they don't work, but I've kinda
got a strategy.. I may or may not tell more about it. The
girls are going out.. for a while, they've got a couple of
errands and they're bringing Meagan back. OR, it coulda been
a sorta self-fulfilling prophecy as I stoopidly left a smurf
window open.. one of those weird accidents like I didn't know
it was there, but minimized the Gspot before I headed to the
potty and guess what came up in the space I didn't look @ in
my haste to walk away. Oh well, nothing like a little extra
tension. Let's do the chart and take a pill. Midnite is nigh
upon us, I think I, for one, would like to get unconscious
for a while. But I got drawn into New Moon, playing in the
living room, and by the socalled time Edward says Marry me,
Bella, it's oneAM. Oh well, s'more. I did the MoodTracker
thing and dropped the superfluous sleep aid in. it could
still be close to an hour before I decide I'm ready, again,
to get between the mask and pillow. Jen keeps sniping and I
keep getting way irritated. She's write anniguess she's
entitled, but I don't think that means I hafta like it. So
that's the way that goes. Busted again.. dope, smut, communicating w/Martha, it's always something. I can see that it would be
easy, ibetcha, to sit and play for another hour, drop @ least
one more Ambien in, JUST to keep from finding out if my honey's
got something from her side of the bed. I'm much interested in
whether the mania's banished, rcnow, after a decent three-day
run. But since my right arm is doing the stress-fatigue thing..
it's a comfort shuffle trick to get me to bail on the typing
task, um, not being able to get comfortable will work against
staying @ the k'board. I could try switching to the pen for a
line or few; I usually try not to do much ink work when I'm
doping 'cause it's nearly impossible to fix when it gets
sloppy. Yup, that's a huge advantage for the k'board and the
electronic edit crew. Hmm, 112AM and I'm sure I'd feel a lot
better headin' on to bed. Jen's apparently going to stay up
for another little while and I can probably get in and, y'know,
out before she comes back to bed.. and I won't be hearing
what she has to say.
Satpm.. cooking some chili. Marking some papers.. but THAT
quit being interesting in a hurry, the papers imean. It’s
after ninepm, ibetcha I could get away w/some Ambien abuse,
except for the cooking thing, so I’ll amuse m’self rereading
Twilight.
3-28-10 I was up ‘til around threeAM finishing the read then
I slept ‘til after twopm ad today will be spent in mortal
combat w/Jen. She’s stressed about having Meagan around and
pissed about finding the smurf window open and I’m.. well,
I’m feeling much put upon. I’ve got the usual weekend untend
and that stoopid incident that Jen’s going to trot out every
time she has a point to make about my time mismanagement or..
yeah I’ll be hearing about it for a a while plus.. well there’s
a list and I’d like not to be thinking about it. I suppose,
tho’ there’s no escaping shit that so predominates the..
environment. It aint pretty and it’s exactly the kinda stuff
that’s likely to have me looking for nap ops JUST to keep
from being out in it… and that so freakin’ counterproductive,
y’know, ‘cause it keeps anything from getting done and the
nothing getting done is sorta @ the heart of the stress mess.
Oh well, them’s the breaks. So.. yesterpm, I think it was Sat., mightabeen Fripm, I sent Steven that pg chunk of the albatross
headed ‘couch trippin’. It’s reffed that way ‘cause the chunk
is in the Fak Chr and the relative current file as well as
being posted @ A Muse under the same head. Um, anyhow, I haven’t
heard from him. I need, or want to send notes to Chas and to
George.. mostly I want to NOT do anything and NOT hear Jens
voice. I’m, like ised, feelin’ much put upon, but I don’t want
to do anything except wallow, I know that’s a poor reaction
and that it’s a very self-destructive outlook paired t/a
similarly destructive behavior, but I kinda don’t care.. okay
I –do- care, that’s why I mention it, that’s why it bothers
me and maybe perhaps, after the fourth or fifth mention, I’ll
decide that I really must “snap out of it” and actually do
some shit, but for the relative moment, I’m going to try to
keep my head down and drink coffee ‘till I absolutely can’t
drink anymore w/out putting some good starches in to soak up
the acid.. and well, that’s all I can stand to plan for.. I
spent a few min clutching the pen anniguess I feel some better.
Hell, I’ll prob’ly start workin’ t’wards some constructive
tasks inna while. One of the thing that came up in the ink
stream was a line about “not real blood” .. um another ref
that’s buried in.. well the Fak Chr would be the easiest place
to find it. When we came back from our first trip to Colo and
I’d done the GreGoo p2, I hatched a metaphor that centered on
the grisly image of having limbs severed, walking wounded,
feeling my boots full of blood and squishing w/each step.. I
haven’t worn boots in.. well, almost since Jen and I got
married.. she didn’t like them. Idunno, it sorta made me want
to do a topical thing about missing Jen’s affection.. her
physical touches. She takes really good care of me. Materially..
I don’t know how to explain it. She hasn’t give me her mouth
to kiss for three years or so.. maybe once, if we were having
sex, but I wouldn’t swear to that and ibetcha we haven’t had
sex for three years. This is very hard for me, not JUST the
admission, but the reality OF the admission. I want more than
anything to hold my wife, to give her tender kisses to.. but
she won’t abide it. I could go back to before .. my dx in
July ‘05 ..sometime waaay back when she sorta shut down. For
a while she’d.. initiate sex and fuck me silly.. y’know, um,
when we were in Colo on the cited trip, she jumped me three
nights in a row w/two eleven year olds (I think Hailey mighta
been ten and li’l Jennifer eleven) sleeping @ the foot of our
rented bed. But even before that she was not reciprocating
the touches, the little caresses, hugs and strokes, that I
crave. I’ve told her more times than I can count that I need
her hugs and kisses like I need oxygen and she.. doesn’t get
it or discounts my.. I don’t bring this up as a justification
for, y’know, masturbating in the smurf, my porn addiction is
such that I’d very prob’ly do that (often) even if Jen was
hosing me every night. It’s about the simple need to hold her
and the way she pulls away. I truly believe that I haven’t
tasted the inside of her mouth except when we were having sex
for ten years or so, maybe fifteen.. it’s been a really long
time and that’s given sad weight to that thing about having
sex, which is always delicious, but I feel like no love is
being made. So what’s a poor boy to do? I’ve lived w/Jen for
27 years and I don’t know how to please her, how to win her
affection. And it hurts. It hurts because I know that I’ve
NOT been a good friend, not been a good partner and I s’pose
I’m JUST socially retarded that way. Even w/Chas and Steve,
or George and Stephen.. or Martha and Glynda, I take lots more
than I give and I seldom offer anything except my confidences,
which may be unwanted. So, here’s my tag line (tho’ I’ll
prob’ly continue this pathetic ramble for a while).. I love
my wife and I miss her terribly, especially when she’s close
enough to touch but can’t be. Yeah, so I’m running down from
a string of four days on the “up side” of my psychotic arc,
there’s not much question about that, and I’m sorta locked
into this “navel gazing” wallow. I want, more than almost
anything else, to weep, to curl up somewhere and bawl my eyes
out.. and idunno, on the one hand be completely alone and
unnoticed, but on the other hand post the awful ness that I’ve
spewed into this hole @ A Muse.. maybe put it @ my GooBlog,
fewer folk are likely to see it there, but I still get that
peculiar satisfaction of “sharing” my perceived misery. Of
course, wouldn’t y’know, I kinda feel a whole better JUST for
having done the cathartic vent.. I ‘spose that should be much
of a surprise. I think that one of the things I appreciate
about slash is that section in so many of the stories where
one of the men is full of doubt about whether he’s allowed
to touch his lover in the gentle way he wants.. that very
identifiable fear of being rebuffed.. well, that and the
romance. I’ve developed a taste for romance stories that has
truly surprised me. Twilight, f’rinstance, and the Catherine
Marshall thing, Christie, that Glynda turned me on to. oh, I
took a few min and marked a few papers, that task still holds
less than no interest. So, um, I did the whine, to feeling a
bit better. I guess I wanna see about doing a post, that’ll
complete the wallow, maybe tonight I’ll browse Her Two Dads
s’more, if I still feel the need for a weep. It’s still early..
630pm, 3-28-10. I think I’ll put this up @ BOTH blogs.

peace and hope
-km-

2-26-10 it's been a Fri, not much question about that. I'll do the
Sat thing early and, w/JUST a li'l bitto something like luck get
set for a couple of days of ease going into the testing situation.
I'd like to tell you that I'm looking forward to the op to pick up
a li'l extra money doing what'll almost f'sure be very light duty,
but I'd be lyin' if I said I was looking forward to any part of it
except being done w/it.. and even that means that I'll come home
and find the girls up and about and... well, I've run smack into
one of those awful phases where I can't stand the sound of Jen's
voice; I'm finding fault w/the way she talks to me, w/the phrases
she uses, the tone of her voice.. w/the Jen ness of the experience.
I took a couple of hours of nap while the girls went to fetch
Meagan.. and stayed down for haffan hour or so after they got back.
I think, eh, I don't know -what- I think. I think I know what I'm
going do do or the TAKS campers in the AM.. maybe.. annithink I'm
teetering on the brink of another precipitous slide. Yeah, what a
shame. Maybe I can get some useful shit done some socalled time
this weekend and stave off the creeping dep. I reckon we'll all
find out more or less together. RC, @ 1112pm, I'm wondering if I
can get the sleep aid in AND post this li'l chunk of the em jour.
Ind Obs hasn't garnered any comments, but the li'l bleary slices
of my life will generally pull in one or two.

Emj
Eh, stupid stuff DOES happen.
What do y'spose happened?
All I know izzat when I opened the myten hole, about thirty of the
thirty four pages were absent.
Deja vu all over again.
I'd betcha that most of the text is up @ one of the blogs, so the
only thing "missing" is the stack of links I'd set @ the bottom.
And the frames.
Oh yeah. Well, that's not such a big deal to put a couple more of
those together. Mainly, it's another wake-up call to quit fucking
around w/the sleep aid.
A lesson we seem completely unable to learn.
Oh, so you're going to accept some of the responsibility?
For all we know.. Yeah, I know that I've contributed @ least as
much as you have to the abuse and, yep it's JUST as likely to have
been my fingers working the delete key, or whatever, as yours.
No use fretting about it, eh?
None.
Wow, it's fixin' to be elevenpm.
Yeah, but it's gonna be Fri and this IS pretty usual.
Sure. I've got clothes and coffee ready.. and yawns.
Put the pill in and get to bed.
Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
I had a little nap thispm.
I know.. a couple of hours.. got up and tried to get the smurf
rollin'..
Yeah, the pillow and mask will be good.
Leaning into that escapist bent?
I won't deny it.. getting up and watching the varied and mainly
minor car woes not get solved was a tad.. annoying.
Stressful?
Well, mainly it was the way I was, y'know, interacting w/Jen. @
least she was trying to get shit done; I could only drag my feet.
So..
So it looks like another in the string of maybe too short entries.
Which suggests, to me, that there's something, um, more that you'd
like to say.
Maybe, but it doesn't seem to be coming. Gonna be the weekend, got
a SHIT load of untend to cope w/.
Yay, you.
You could help.
Maybe I will.
3-5-10 it was Fri. I've had a nap, I'd like more. It's 730pm and I
think there's an average chance that the girls are going out for a
bit and I want to go play in the vid smurf. We haven't had much
success getting the automotive crap straightened out, but there is,
maybe, some small progress being made. It will be a challenge I hope
I'm up to, getting a handle on the untend this weekend. Tue is
s'posed to be the late night for parental greets and I think Prog
Reps are also s'posed to go in about then. Generally, it's past
socalled time for a streak of mania to come riding in and get me @
least looking like I'm on top of my game. Meanwhile I sat in the
relative here and geared a couple or three frames. I figger I'll
reset a few of the links, too, it JUST seems to shorten travel time
a few seconds, when I'm rushin' to the smurf.
Socalled time.
Yeah, somethinglike that.
Yay, the girls seem, definitely, too be on their way out.. of course
that could still mean several minutes before I can lean back in the
chair and start clicking up that wild stuff. That, DOES sound like
the door, tho'.
3-6-10 Yeah, that was the door. RC 1016AM, I've been up .. oh..
three annahaf hours.. mainly in the vid smurf, collected some links
and cleared the history. I'll be dashing to the shower, I reckon in
.. well, by elevenAM, prob'ly, unless Jen gets up first. Maybe I'll
go have some breakfast. You know, anything to keep me out of the
untend. Yup, this is SO not good, bumping on six weeks w/out doing
any real grading. Oh well, it all pays the same. A little while
later, things look much improved. As it turned out, I settled in for
three or five hours of nap while the girls got showered and even tho'
grading was the last thing I wanted to do, when I settled in, I got
mainly done in JUST an hour or so. Of course, the rapid was greatly
aided by, apparently having left a large chunk of it @ school.. or
somewhere. So I got everything marked and only need to sort and
record the marks. I don't think that'll take awfully long and then
maybe I'll get "inspired" to make a new set of seating charts.
Anyhow, once more again, I'm waiting for the girls to take off so I
can ..you know. And they did and I did. I ALSO did a bitto
textplorin' to see how much stuff might be recovered from the
relative latest touch of Ambien induced machined memory loss. The
Fake Chrono is pretty good up to the last week of Jan. so it's
mainly Feb that's missing and, very probably most of that can be
pulled in from the LJ so it's prob'ly ONLY the first few days of
March that'll be gone forever. Oh well. I've been on a string of
sad little short event logs. And since I'm back "up" to 21 pages,
I'm inclined to think that the gap I'm trying to fill is nearly
negligible. Scarcely moment later, I've pumped the file up to 43
pages.. it'll take some comparative reading w/fak chr to figure
out where the overlap is.. plus because of some the allegedly
stylish things I do w/the text when I post it, some bits kinda
"naturally" get repeated, to produce an intentional overlap. So
I've got a buncha stuff to look @ in the rescued and reconstructed
doc. Cool, after excising the overlap, I've still got 37 pages..
some of that will go down when I "unadjust" the line length.. make
up for one of the things I do when I set stuff @ A Muse.
3-7-10 @ 2AM.. twoAM, iguess is the way it usually shows up. I put
the pill in. Before I came in I was tellin' my'elf that no matter
how I feel @ noon, I need to mark the beginning of the day as
slightly elevated.. and maybe I can hang on to that for most of the
day. We'll see. So.. I got all the line adjusts done and most of the
duplication out.. I think there may still be maybe a page of dupl.
in med-Feb, but the doc's @ 32 pages. It looks like, as predicted,
the only thing lost is the relative last week.. four or five days.
It seems like it turned out about that way when I dashed the oh
niner last summer. I got lucky, there's no question about it. Whew.
I slept 'til elevenAM.. that's going to complicate getting to bed in
a timely manner, I'm sure. Eh, maybe I'll work on the seating charts
I wanted done. the girls were practically out the door @ 515pm when
the phone rang, it's Meagan and the call will likely keep the girls
here another haffan hour, maybe not, Jen's rounding up her purse. I
watched I Might et Loud and it was mainly fab. I saw it as the Jimmy
Page show, I'm sure some might see it differently, but Jim definitely
had the best licks even if The Edge mighta had a couple of the best
stories. Jack.. well his best piece was the opener where he built a
"diddley" in a cow pasture. Yeah, y'only hafta ask. So it's a Sun,
going into the week before the break which will, I hope, be capped
w/the hand delivery of my inscribed Reparation. I think I may start
cooking my breakfast taco stuff tonight. I'd intended to do it for
the 9th grade feed, but that's past (on Thu) already. I did pineapple
and it was good.. and much easier.. well, quicker, anyway. It would
be a hoot-maker if I got the op to feed Martha tacos Fri.. And so it
becomes late, nearly midnite. Well, everything.. almost everything
that could be done IS. Coffee, costume, box, grading.. didn't get the
charts done, I guess that'll give me something to do Tuepm. So the
pill is in and I'm on my way out. I'm only IN because I left the
writing kit @ school. I guess after doing the book shuffle Fripm, I
dashed w/out gathering my stuff for the weekend. Oh well. I'll come
up w/an assignment and a warm up when I get there and, can I please
stop thinking about school. It's socalled time to cozy up to the
Slumberland gatekeeper. I'll see about going 'til I can't, then try
to remember not to forget to do a save and then simply close the lid
on the machine. I can do the shut down in the AM. Oh, I need, also,
to try to remember not to forget to put Conflict in the bag.. get
done w/the timely read. I've really let it slide for a couple of
weeks. I don't know what I've been doing, besides the smurf, to
distract m'self. I'm also way behind on my mag reads. Eh, stuff
usually gets done, of course, that presumes that someone's
interested in getting stuff done and, lately, that hasn't been me.
Midnite's JUST waaayy to close. You may have noticed, tho', that I'm
rc still here and rc still playing in the tepid unstirring pool that
is not really the stream. I gotta find my paddle for the digital
canoe. Ah, another nearly forgotten metaphor.. can you dig it. I
reckon iota not try to force any issues and JUST go to bed. And so I
shall.
3-8-10 @1030pm.. yeah, much too late to be sitting here and I didn't
even have a nap. Tomorrow will certainly be a day, @ least I've got
the long lunchin' break w/Glynda and George in the something to look
forward to, dept.. I hope not to see any parents Tuepm and to be
current w/all my .. oh.. yeah, stop thinking about school. Ahh,
Martha.
I'm not sure that's a whole lot better.
Yeah, it is, b'lieve me.
If you say so.
I said so.. imean, y'wanna talk about stuff in the something to look
forward to, dept., dude that is one. What a fab way to kick off Spring
Break.
Well, whichever way it turns out..
What do you mean.
Um.. throwaway line, all I rilly meant was I hope we can get s'more
line filled.
Yeah, okay, that shouldn't be a prob.
It shouldn't ever be a prob.
Oh, I get it, the tense oughta spring the steam.
Somethinglike that.
Say good night, Ken.
G'nite, Ken.
3-9-10 @ school for the longass day, prob'ly be after sevenpm before I
start homeward.. but there is the lunchin' date to look forward to. And
that's good, the kids are quite damn restless.. all eyes on the early
dismissal and very little work getting done. Yep, sevenpm when I left..
rcnow a quarter 'til ninepm I'm... that weird kind of beat that only
comes from the long idle. I did get my charts done and ill be sure to
keep the kids busy. I've got a fresh potto and a great need to not think
about school or.. anything. I guess I'd like, I don't know why, to chat
up Martha for a bit. It could only be the lightest most inconsequential
talk, ibetcha, of the sort I generally find odious, but I won't attempt
even that frivolous engagement while Jen's around, and if she scoots I'm
more likely headed for the smurf than JUSTabout anything else. Yeah, so
here's some personal weird..
Hang on.
Eh, nevermind.
I'm interested.
But you KNOW.
So, I'm interested in what you'll confess.
Oh. Well the girls did scoot and I was going to ding Martha, but Nan's
light was on, too and I got that "don't wanna intrude" attitude and then
went to the smurf.
Oh.. imean and..
And then, when I came back and saw that only Martha's light was green, I
.. I guess I changed my mind about my interest .. or my willingness to
make small talk w/her.
Okay, there's something I think I'd like to explore.
Yeah, wazzat?
Ah, coy boy.. the small talk angle.
Oh, yeah, well it's something that's bugged me for years. It's relative,
I'm sure to what counts as idle chat, but stuff about the eather and
such.. it's conversation I can't stand to have w/Martha. Any kind of
idea stuff, which generally means lit or fic or even dear friends (when
we talk about people) is good conversation and I really, um, treasure
those moments. But.. it grates on me to do small talk w/her and it has
for as I said, years. Let's suppose it's 'cause.. um, no .. let's NOT
suppose.
Would it help if I introduced the term "value"?
Um, no.. I don't think so.
Okay, get ready for bed.
I got all li'l detail stuff, coffee, costume..
Put the pill in, it's nearly tenpm.
Fine, that's done, too. I..
What?
Um, the time thing. Looking for the pop around three and f'sure settling
back in for another cycle 'til 445AM.
Yeah, it times out about that way. That's six annahaf hours or so.
I'll go along w/that; don't ask me to do math.
I was headed for a comment about trying to be more honest in your charted
data, imean, what's the point of having it if you're not going to make it
a reliable record for yourself?
Okay, I'll try to make sure it's, what'd you say.. reliable.
Thanx in advance. I think we'll all appreciate having a truthful chart
more than a pretty one. What the fuck, why did you put that spit in?
Oh.. ireckoni sorta decided I wasn't rushing off to bed.
Sorta decided. Well, got the hedfones going and felt like I could jam on
the k'board for a short while.. it seemed like the thing to do @ the
socalled time.
You are a trip, man. What's playing.. Shadow of Your Smile?
Yeah, something juicy off that Compact Jazz compilation.
The tiny toy is till pissin' me off.. won't play more than haffan hour
@ a stretch w/out assistance.
Otherwise, it IS a cool toy. Wazzit hold, 30 hours or so?
April in Paris. It was good last summer, going on bike rides. I guess I
overcharged the batteries or something.
I guess that happens. How long are you going to try to not go to bed..
and why?
Um, 1015pm rcnow, I think I can hang another fifteen easily enough.
Wanna chart it? I happen to know that there's a fifteen JUST waiting
for the touch of the master's hand. Let me call 'im up. JUST take a
couple of clicks, see, and we could be in.
Bring it.
What's Van doing? Something goofy.
1) I have zero confidence it this thing. It'll be grand, get the
first click out of the way.. we're not going to figure out the
2) tune before it end.. prob'ly won't do a whole lot better w/this
one. Ah, the hook, These Dreams of YOU.
3) timings a bit off. It's still not a race.. merely a mechanism to
get another string of characters to stick to the screen. Y'kneed to
step back and quaff the Depakote.. yum four horsepills.
4) crazymeds.. yeah.. for the rest of your life, and considering your
position on living forever, that's a lot of dope goin' in.. it's
already established that
5) these are not the drugs of choice.. right.. mushrooms. I’m gonna
hafta
6) point out that the doe get in the way.. I'm sure you're right and
I'll mourn the passing of the muse when I no longer feel @ ease
7) sitting an playing in the stream. Unfinished works. Well, you anni
both know that
8) the secret deal, ttto Mystic, it feeding the needy Ratboy. I think
if there was a syllable of encouragement I would savor. so
9) you say. Long pause.. it happens, had to make that not a race point.
10) So, moment ten. Yeah. I could be stopping now if I'd pulled up the
short frame. But that's not what happened.
11) we'll get done and unscathed. More Van. I think the box has done
its heinous sort. Well, maybe I'll get some files inflicted while I'm
@.. that other place,
12) tomorrow. Yeah, go for it. I'm going to kinda focus on getting this
line and the next two run out and then dashing for the mask.
13) Sounds like a plan. Wow, twenty seconds of complete idle.
14) It's NOT a race, boys.. well, what's the point of the timer, then?
It's there to created a tiny bitto tension which CAN be your friend.
15) Cool here's the line we’ve been looking for. Let it run out and go
get the last of the coffee. DON'T look @ the clock. CRAP
How did it get to be 1040pm?
So figger the pop coming closer to the alarm time.. if I can get a
decent manic rise, it'll be fab.
It's going to be fab.. don't think about school.
I'm going to pitch again, the notion of reviewing w/an eye t'wards
resurrection or recrafting some of the.. slash.
Why?
It's safer than het kinks.
It would be terminally good to get something in good enough shape for
consid by DSP.
When did that pill go in>
About an hour ago.
Oh, so we're moving far from the target zone and into the maybe fun
zone.
Yeah, you could look @ it like that.
I want to talk about how much I look forward to Fri and feel the dread
flitting around the psychotic edges.
It's going to be fine.
Sigh.
Don't do that. You're trying to sir up the salt breeze.
Dude, I'd welcome ANYTHING moving thru' my sinuses; the salt breeze
sounds like a great thing.
Coffee's done; I think that's your cue to dash.
3-10-10 first of all, I can't believe I left the j'drive @ school..
and I'm not thrilled about saving this piece of a doc to the machine’s
drive.. I guess I could put it on my big G drive.. I did give that some
thought. I've got a load of bad feelings.. like y'know I realized
before I got out to the car that I'd left my water jug in the c'room,
but didn't go back in for it.. and I'd JUST walk out a discussion about
theft from rooms. Eh.. prob'ly be okay, I've got to hope so. And I
noticed that I kept getting the salt breeze whipped up by Mike Moore's
idiot Capitalism. Dude, this is starting to feel very icky. Of course I
already don't want to be hearing from Jen and I really need to have
some conversations w/her.. y'know, planning for the break, if nothing
else. And then there's the triple threat looming Fri which is barely a
day away.. Okay, it's nearly two days away, but it seems so freakin'
big.. good byes to George and Glynda, Martha's visit; I'm all but
assured a psychotically catastrophic weekend. Hey, something to look
forward to I guess. Oh yeah, serious respiratory woes that started a
week ago.. that one may be improving , we'll see. Rclast night my
asthma was as abad as it's been in many years, but today it seems
mainly my sinuses. Oh, check this out, I don't have the j'drive, that
means I don't have the tendoc or whatever I was calling the recovered
emjour (actually, I think it's "emj") and that means I don't have
access to the pile of smurf links I'd harvested rc lately, and I've
been keeping the history cleaned out., that's mainly 'cause I found
that Publisher had been opened (it got stuck to my start menu, this
machine does stoopid shit like that) and only Jen uses Publisher. I'm
pretty sure she was only looking for one of her old files, and she's
not likely to go snooping.. I don't think.. but why NOT try to stay on
top of the ass-covering game. So, it's looking like a challenge JUST
to stay out of the napping bed @ 530pm.. the girls left, I have no
interest in trying to find some smurf; it's me and rc this screen..
and I gotta say I'm more comfortable w/the ideation of the escapist
nap than either dinging Martha or watching to see if some annoying
disturbing revelation gets strung out of my fingers. Y'know what the
largest, best, most convincing argument against the nap is? The fresh
potto I made maybe haffan hour ago and haven't hit yet.. clearly
something I wanted very badly, eh. It's really good coffee, I find
(not surprising) when I get a cuppa. So I celebrate by engaging
Martha, she's gonna send Two Dads so I can weep thru' that @ least
once more before final submission. Still, s'more, I want to get my
coffee down and nap.. by 630pm the girls are back, Just as I was
going to go lookin' for some smurf.. that exquisite timing, y'know.
Ssss sigh. I simply can't deal, it sucks and I don't care that it
sucks. I'll blame some of the crap on the respiratory woes but
there's no question that I want to fade away for some hours then
get up, eat and medicate back to unconsciousness. Yeah, so I napped
for a couple of hours, got up fixed lunch for the bunch, did the
coffee and costume thing, and put the pill in JUST a bit after
tenpm. As expected, rclast night, I popped up around twoAM and got
up for a bite when I didn't got write back to sleep. Somehow, I
doubt that I'll be doing much pop on this trip, annif it does come,
it'll prob'ly be close to fourAM and I'd be inclined to stay up.
Thur, as I mentioned to Martha, will either flash by inna heartbeat
or last forever, anticipating her Fri arrival. Fri will, by
necessity be an adventure. Steven, in his campaign to get the
campus locked down, is predicting big numbers of teacher absenteeism
and halls roamed by packs of stoonts hyped up on too much free time,
I reckon we'll all find our more or less together. I expect to be
blissfully distracted and focused on Fri, so I'll try come and go
early.. change Jen's li'l hose when I get home.. prob'ly pick up a
fresh can of Cope on the way home, did I mention the pills in?
Yes, it's 1040pm.
A tad later than iota, but it'll work out okay.
I'll get up and mope around 'til I get the first cup in me, then
start figuring if I want to ANY net moments, run a in rc here, or
JUST dash, I think there's a good chance I'll slip and ship this
fragment thru' the gmail to sirkay. It would prob'ly be bad form to
browse Dads and weep behind the big desk. Ssss sigh. Aint life grand?
I can feel the anxious bubbling.. prob'ly get to the hard roil by
630AM Fri.. and the,, as Sam Hagar says, It's Over. Yeah, but the
name of the tune is When it's Love. Either way, expect trauma. So,
here's where we sit rcnow.. pill went in.. figger 1030pm, that'll
put the op @ threeAM, maybe 330pm. I can live w/that and like it,
even, if I can roll over and snooze that next hour annahaf. But we I
you are sitting rchere @ elevenpm.. pushing the pop back, ibetcha to
around fourAM; that starts to get tricky, if I don't roll over
immediately, I get stuck fretting about the rapidly shrinking window,
and that gives a nearly nice kinda manic edge to the start of the day.
And there he goes.. off to school @ bedtime. I need to shop a talk
therapist. I've gotta feeling I'm not going to be.. pleased to bring
Steven into that role, tho' I am hopin' to tell him whole albatross
story AND see if I can get some hard lines writ. I guess we'll all
find our more or less together. The fog's starting to roll in.. I
s'pose I'll be moseyin' off t'wards the open gate inna bit. I don't
want to be out here where the creep sets in.
The creep?
Okay, I'm not really interested in coming in t/morrow and finding
stuff I didn't or don't remember setting down.
I thought that's what you like best about the Ambien.
It's.. a tool. I need to get regular sleep and the compound helps some.
No, it doesn't really, not the way you do it.
You've got a complaint..
It's was an observation, and if we were under the mask, there'd be a
lot of discussion about what to do to "get comfortable" or why the
k'board was abandoned so easily.
So..
So this is the semiusual plan, write 'til you can't and then sprint
to the bed. Maybe remember the Advair and mouthwashing.. not minding
that thirty min or so after the pill goes in, the optimal window for
easy sleep closes and the op for increasing weird widens. So.. what's
the plan rchere?
As y'might expect, clip this into a note to myself in the g'compost..
count on the j'drive being where I left it.. and paste it in early.
Yeah, that'll work. Let's start the move.
How's that?
I'm impressed.. but, wow, it looks like it may be a race to bed under
the mask by midnite.
I can prob'ly make it by 1130pm if I'm willing to schlep thru' some
chatter.
dude, it seems like chatter's your aim.
Yeah whatever.. closing fast on 1130pm, not a whole lotta chatter
annibetcha the train's rollin' up in the seconds it takes to do the
save and bail.
Cool, see you on the other side, eh.
3-11-10 and it's bedtime already.
Socalled time.
Yeah, 916pm. Gonna be Fri.. THE big Fri.. it might get weird.
Yeah, it might.
I need to go put a load of tacos together.. a dozen constructions
later I'm JUST.. wow, trying not to get to flipped out about tomorrow.
Good luck w/that.
Yeah, I know. There's tenpm I guess iota be putting the pill in.
Go do the li'l health stuff, gargle w/salt water to kill off the rest
of the stuff trying to live in my throat, hit the sinus med and Tylenol
one more socalled time before bed. Put the Depakote it. I've already
got the Fri costume picked out.
Maybe plug the shave in for a few hours.
Dude, I'm stoked.
Hmm, Nancy seems to not know about .. the.. stuff.
Eh, I have to figure this meets not nearly as momentous for Martha as
it is for me.
I don't think this is a biggo deal for anyone as it is for you.
Prob'ly not. I keep trying not to think about it.
Heh, elephant in the room.
It tends to blend in w/the rest of the psychosis.. it COULD be a
hallucination.
I've got to get doped and into bed.
Yeah, I don't think we can even make elevenpm.
It's not a race. Oh? Cue the frame.
Okay, I can do that, gimme a few second and we'll roll.
1) click. Yeah, cool ness. The pill went in mere seconds ago and
the frame will run out a couple of minutes before
2) elevenpm. I can work w/that. I sure hope I don't wake up feeling
like crap, I've some.. thing.. that acts like it wants to be flu.. the
respiratory
3) woes turned all achy thisAM.. and there's a li'l touch of nausea,
too. Yeah, it's an invitation to not go in.. but that would suck way
worse than
4) going in sick. I think I can manage the crap around my door, and
some, like Steven, expects a storm of crap.
5) I figger if George and Stewart are around to lend some hall support,
it'll be a grand day. And if not, well.. the suckiest part will be not
seeing George
6) and I'll be so distracted w/my private agenda, it kinda won't matter
what the kids are doing. I'll make somekinda deal and once I shut the
door,
7) my room will be, um, secure against whatever goes on in the
relative out there. It's hard to communicate the kind of chaos..
8) and really it's more of a fearful thing than crazy, that a thousand
or so restless stoonts cook up w/too little supervision.. and that's
where Steven's
9) expecting the prob.. a load of faculty absentees.. which will suck
mightily if it materializes. It only takes a modicum of supervision to
keep
10) the masses in line, but they're JUST as easily led into wild
MISbehavior as they are coaxed into staying in line.
11) Eh, we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it. I look for
Martha and Nan to roll in before noon and I really don't care what else
happens if they can
12) get in and out. Really.. don't care. Let's get the break going and
the kids out of the building.. it'll make us all feel better. I don't
expect
13) that my groups will give me any trouble.. imean except for the
usual could you get any MORE on my nerves kinda stuff. I think First
will be the worst.. and then
14) fifth. But.. we'll see. It comes down to how well the faculty we
can control the halls, most of us can be counted on to keep our kids
safely out of
15) the mess once we get them into our rooms. Most of us.. there seems
to be a cadre of my peers that let their kids roam.. it's that you
betcha, go, I don't want you in here mentality.
And that's the frame @ 1057pm.
Y'wanna read s'more Dads?
I could enjoy that.
I'll open it.
I need to finish Conflict. Yeah, but.. well, I don't really see that
happening before Rep arrives, unless I read thru' theAM classes.
That would suit me.
Yeah, I'm for it if we can manage it.ah, yawns, that's a good sign,
write?
Yeah, a very good sign. Oh, I don't think the Depakote's in rc yet..
and then the Advair and wash.
Let's do 'er.
I'm def a steamin' mess on the way to bed.
Come on, fell, we only need twelve or thirteen hours and you get to
sleep thru' about half of that. I'm going to recommend hitting the
chocolate harder and more regularly than the spit. Grab a bag of the
sweep, I y'think about it in the AM.. can't focus on what might but,
but how to keep the vision clear and evident that the five basics are
where we've got to start, in order to make a more perfect union. Sigh.
Stop thinking about school. It'll be Fri and the AM and that's about
as good as it gets.
I wish I had your confidence.
You do.
You know, as well as I do that the personal challenge comes couched in
a way so that it's not SO personal w/out the kid recognizing that he
was out of line. Kid SAYS he was wronged by the man but what was going
that brought the man into the equation... I feel the lull building;
let's dash to the pillow and mask.
I'm going to set up the fake shutdown.
Yeah, be our guest.
3-12-10 w/the anxious eating me up and down. I don't know whether iota
chip in another half or quarter or ride it out. I took haffa chill pill
early, but mainly to no great effect; I was tense on the drive in and
the sitting rchere is also quite tense. The kids, tho', are doing JUST
great.. I figured they would. I pitched the quarter in, it seemed like
the thing to do. There was a note, earlier from Martha, as she sat for
her connecting flight thru' Atlanta.. she's definitely on her way. I'm
getting to the counting minutes stage, despite the added Lorazepam; it's
933AM. I've got the 3rd p in.. they did good and I think they were mainly
on-task when the prince buzzed thru'. 4th comes in, scary quiet @ 1037 and
I figure I'll be getting the landed ding from Martha JUST any socalled
time. I'm reading Dads to "take the edge off." I left Conflict @ home in
my other bag. By 1130AM, the eagle has landed. @ 1215 I'm simply beside
my'elf, anticipatin' her arrival. The halls have been remarkably clear..
due in large part to Steven's unrelenting police work. It'll likely be @
least haffan hour before she shows.. and we have not been able to raise
George. Sigh.. I don't b'lieve there's time for another quarter to do me
any good.. eh, maybe.. gotta get thru' goodbyes.. maybe hit the remaining
half (in the rc handy supply) before I head home. @ 1245pm, I have reason
to b'lieve Martha's in or near the bldg. I can barely breathe.

When the woman next to Jaime ... rose to leave, she leaned over
and said softly, "You two give me hope. My son is gay, but he's
still young and wild. I'd like to see him in a real relationship
some day, one like you have."
They thanked her, not sure what else to say. When she left,
Jaime smiled at Srikkanth. "I think I like being part of something
someone would want for their children."

3-13-10 I’ll be dashing to get showered and to fetch Jen’s paper
innaminnit but I wanted to note, iguess mainly to m’self that I haven’t
posted in relatively long time, but neither has any of the gals I
dragged over from MoodTrackers.. I think tho’ that I can nearly count
on a comment on this one (presuming it gets up) from Tu. Anyhow, it’s
Spring break and maybe 1) I can do a bit of the untend everyday and get
it all out of the way w/out a big nervous push 2) reestablish some of my
LJ and GooBlog ties. For all my whining about the want of traffic on my
F’page, Salix and Jade are on almost every day and Mady, bless her, is
in a lot, too 3) find or enlist someone to take that confessor role that
I’ll be sorely missing w/George and Glynda BOTH gone. I guess we’ll all
find out together.. heh, I’ve got this little arsenal of pet lines.. all
find together, oh well, sigh, and yet I persist, damn I’m good, can you
did it.. quite a list.. and yet the thing I tag the MOST often when I
get to play in another writer’s text is the “too frequent” occurrence of
a particular word or phrase. Early in the li’l Dads thing Ariel JUST let
me go back thru’ (w/all its delicious weeps) there was one of –those- ..
his retreating back.. which I’ve grown to not like @ all.. and there’s
that other thing that shows up in.. a lot.. of their fics where there’s
a –need- to have sex / make love “to prove we’re (still) alive.” Eh
(another of mine), that’s the diff b’tween workin’ in MY text and
theirs.. when I work on my text, I barely fix stray characters (mostly
omitted spaces and transposed letters) occasionally even leaving
misspellings ‘cause they contribute weirdly to the contex. Yeah, like
that one there. Well, hey.. let’s figger out where to do the clip and
how I want to treat that wunnerful bit I snipped from Her Two Dads..
get this thing posted.

peace and hope
-km-

Hey, say 'welcome back'

This is a “selection” from my machined journal.. I thought I’d
already posted it @ my –other- spot, the LJ, but that seems not
to be the case.. so I guess it’s new spew!

But FIRST. A message from the Department or Redundancy Dept.

I s'pose that means either do it NOW .. or not.
I pick not. There's a small chance that I can get the stream
rolling and that is sort of a priority. Eh, the rush of words
isn't coming, let's do the post and maybe catch up.. later I
s'pose that means either do it NOW .. or not. I pick not.
There's a small chance that I can get the stream rolling and
that is sort of a priority. Eh, the rush of words isn't
coming, let's do the post and maybe catch up.. later. It
looks like another, um, interval getting no school work done.
I can stand it for another couple of days, I s'pose, but
EVENTUALLY, yknow, I'm gonna hafta get my sorry ass in gear.

Tonight tho', it's rc a quarter 'til sevenpm..
izzat write? Yep, a quarter 'til sevenpm.. I'm thinking of
Zolpidem excesses and getting to bed by nine or tenpm.
Yeah, the pill is in.
Yay. So are we done talking about school for a while?
Yeah, prob'ly. Wanna talk about the smurf?
Oooh, didn't think you had it in ya.
Well, it..
You found some links that you thought were lost.
Youth and beauty stuff.
It's still not as much fun as the vid stream.
Searchable vid stream @ that.
Y'need to get the Depakote in before it gets lost in the fog.
Yeah.. try to do the house sweeps and the MoodTracker, too.
Done.. tell me what you were thinking when you opened that
hidden window.
Well, @ first, I was JUST wondering if I'd left that in the
addy bar.
You did, and several related, um, ones.
You're daring me to say big ped, huh.
Eh, I think the REAL challenge is getting the explanation to
stick to the screen.
You're thinking the girls ARE going to go out for pizza and
whatever and that you'll get min to disregard the school
stuff.
I thought we were talking about that. They leave and I've
got the door to, um, wonderland open.
You guys can talk amongst yerselves for a bit, I'm talking
Conflict to the potty for a short while. Yeah that was good..
getting to the battle @ the Eiffel Tower and the release of
that kinky wild magic.. that's what brings Eric and Vin
together and that match gets to be important in the late
stages of Rep..
Ten 'til eightpm, I don't think the girls are going out..
but I prob'ly will hit another Ambien.. prob'ly around 915pm.
Ibetcha don't make it past 830pm.. and you'll be damn lucky
not to get knocked off and busted, somehow, for this damn
silliness.
I wanna see if you can play any of the stuff stashed in the
iTunes library.
That sounds like a worthwhile experiment.
Everything takes so long to open. I think it's coming up..
then we'll see if we've got a play all option or what de
fuck. Yeah, it's a ..dope experiment. Maybe. I've "moved"
the iTunes stuff into the mp3 player, and it'll be
interesting to see if and how it plays. It seems not to play
w/the files already loaded in the tiny box. I think I can
make it work, it won't be especially easy.. @ least until I
figger out what the fuck I'm doing, but I have great promise
that I'll get the little toy playing more like my way than it
ever has. Is that the third Ambien going it @ 933pm? Yes, my
dear, I do believe it was. I am so ready to run to the masked
preserve that I canardly stand it.
Hey, Just the slow and sloppy flow going like for oldimes
sake. For socalled oldtimes sake. The third pill is in and I
know where to find the mask, getting away from this craziness
is not going to be a problem. In fact, they'll be nearly glad
to get up and dysty vvlrsning upif wecan get some stalwarts
like loomis and Marty to go in ab roust the slaxkguards w/a
promise of eggs and pabon and have them unite againstithr
oppressor

2-9-10 @ school.. Um, yeah, looks like some doped foolery
relative above. I'll look @ it and read it later, maybe see
if some sense can be edited into it. No work got done rclast
night and I've brought the astounding anxious to school w/me
again, maybe it IS starting to swing upward.. maybe I'm
simply getting used to it, but it doesn't feel nearly as bad
as it did yesterday and Sun. I am kinda sorta half-heartedly
trying to get a li'l bitto the grading stuff. A very little
bit. What I'm finding, thru' the first couple of periods,
izzat I'm quite irritable, as in no patience and quick to
single out individual asswipes to vent my angry on for minor
missteps. This is.. dangerous, but I think that if I can
keep my outbursts focused on the kids in my room.. as
opposed to the random belligerent in the hall.. I'll prob'ly
get thru, um, unscathed. Definitely got to watch out cabin
fever, being holed up in the room w/stoonts that seem to be
growing more restless as the day goes on. I made it to
seventh, but I'm not sure that two of these children are
going to make it out. A couple of little boys that can't
behave and feed off each other's playful frenzy. It took
JUSTabout a minnit for me to get unraveled and all up in a
boisterous face. I don't feel much better for the vent;
there's a better than average chance that it'll happen again
w/the same kid tomorrow or the next day. Anyhow, it's got me
in the mood to go home and get under the mask.. but before I
can do that, I've a li'l training presentation to my Language
Arts peers after school; I think I can get thru' it in under
six min and THEN beat a hasty retreat. It's a version of my
"test taking strategy" pitch that I've been giving groups of
stoonts and faculty a couple or three times a year for ten
years or so. I can run it out in lengths from 2 min to 40
min w/ease and comfort, depending on who wants what and how
I want to handle visual aids. Yeah, I'm good.. still I'd
rather get home and NOT do anything for a while.. the rest
of the night maybe. We'll see; maybe I'll get inspired to
run another album thru' the slowass conversion.. maybe do
some kitchen funs, too; I'm certain the house is completely
bereft of leftovers,, so something's gotta get cooked. And..
who knows, suddenly the idea of pitchin' up another A Muse
post seems like it could get to be write thing to do.

2-10-10 @ school.. it seems like when I'm the house it's all
I can do to stay out from under the mask.. and of course none
of the untend is getting tended. Well, a tiny little bit's
getting done during the mainly settled classes; I prob'ly
inputted fifteen or twenty grades thisAM, mainly stuff that
got marked during class yesterAM. Rclast night I, um, was in
the office, on the computer, doing the house sweepstakes and
I checked the F'list, noting that Adrienne has put up a post
I wanna get back to and comment on. I think maybe that the
bad anxious is waning and that I'll start being more like
productive and less w/drawn and hostile.. we'll see. I'm
setting things up to take a mental health day Fri.. Mon is an
in-service day, so by the time I see the kids Tue, I'll be
ready to push them thru' an exam and the rapidly closing
make-up window. The thing izzat I think the swing's coming
back to the up side of the arc. Yay. I actually was out of
bed, messing around in the company of my girls for a couple
or three hours rc last night and then did an unmedicated
fade around 1130pm. Sooooo, I went home and went ALMOST
immediately to bed; I made a short, semi-mandatory romp thru'
the smurf 'cause the girls were out when I came in, but it
was not interesting nor nearly distracting enough to help me
resist the call of the mask. I napped for a couple or three
hours and got up feeling like I maybe shouldn't have, but I
stayed up and got some kitchen funs going. RCnow @ 1130pm
I've got the iTunes toy converting.. copying, actually, the
biggo folder of WAV files. Oh, anni called the sub line and
set up the "legal" absence for tomorrow and Fri. yeah, it
JUST seemed like the thing to do.

2-11-10.. JUST barely, but y'know form counts @ 1225AM. I've
noticed that the rc conversion goes SOME quicker than the
album to mp3 trip.. the WAV files, well um, it's partly
dependent on the machine's poor multi-tasking capability;
f'rinstance, if I JUST let t run, after some short interval,
like six or seven minutes, the Norton (whose subscription
has expired) starts doing a "background" scan which slows
the conversions down to JUSTabout the non-speed of the album
thing.. but if I simply keep the box distracted.. JUST busy
enough for the idle scan shit not to kick in, then it'll get
thru' the conversions @ a reasonable clip getting some songs
done in a few seconds.. w/345 plus hours of tunes to convert,
I kinda need it to keep moving along. Hailey set this
maneuver up for me and if I don't let it run all the way
thru' the biggo folder that I put the stuff in when I moved
it from the school's machine, then I'll hafta do the
conversion in chunks or let it start over and duplicate what
it's done. That seems mightily unproductive. So.. for
whatever reason, the iTunes started its conversion of my big
folder @ the "bottom" w/ZZ Top and it seems to have worked
its way up to Tom Petty.. maybe Traveling Wilburys. I think
that's um, maybe a third of the way thru'; if I can keep it
moving @ this "improved" rate, I think it could maybe get
done in an hour.. hour annahaf, tops. I reckon we'll find
out more or less together. Hmm, loox like Temptations,
that's progress. I don't think I can go to A Muse or the
F'list w/out slowing it way down but maybe I can get another
post ready.. go see about Adrienne's t'morrow.. later today
(Thu). yeah, we'll see. I'm going to go set up, maybe make a
short potto and then about resisting the urge to play in the
Zolpidem fog. Cool, Rolling Stones, more progress. Hmm, ten
'til oneAM.. figger I'll be sittin' up w/the conversion 'til
twoAM or so.. I kinda don't see much way NOT to get all
stoopid w/the pills w/out making somekinda "deal" w/my'elf
to do it SOMETIME in the relative next two or three days.
Maybe I could tie it to a reward thingy.. get the untend
done, or started, @ least.. really and truly, I don't think
I'm going to have much of a struggle NOT getting doped in
the relative this sitting; I 'magine that by the time..
imean socalled time (I rilly ought to abandon that cute-ism),
um by threeAM I'll prob'ly be quite ready to give up this
silliness for a few hours. So, here sits Ken w/the k'board
under his fingers.. fresh cuppa beside himorme and the iToy
working thru' The Police. The Zolpidem fog, tho' is looking
way more attractive, I'm not @ all sure why. Let's kinda
hang out and see how long it takes the tool to reach Neil in
the line up, I figure that's prob'ly about half-way.. maybe
not quite, but close enough, ibetcha. Don't Stand So Close
To Me.. De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da.. moving write along. Every
Little Thing.., Every Breath You Take..
Let's NOT do that.
Sure. You KNOW I was JUST passing time.
Oh, lookit dat.. Moody Blues.
Heh, I forgot that I'd moved the Neil folder to the
beginning when I got tired of the first rattle always coming
up ACDC.
So, y'think that's close enough to the middle?
For what?
Um, to start loading in the Ambien.
Excuse me?
Funs, dude. Funs.
Let's talk about this.
Let's put a pill in and talk about it.
Ooooh, Judds. Now, f'sure we're half way.
I'm not sure I get your point.
Okay, but I think you're overthinking this. It's 113AM, the
conversion's rolling along; I think that since we're
obviously not going to APPROACH the untend 'til MAYBE Fripm,
let's kinda celebrate the progress on the relative current
project.
And by "celebrate" you mean..
Better living thru' chemistry. I unnerstan that you were, um,
reticent about getting doped and maybe.. oh, Hendrix.. um,
maybe screwing up the data transfer, but it looks like it's
gonna get done and, let's face it, we've STILL got to keep
the machine amused for about an hour. Janis will be going by
momentarily, James Gang.. Hank Williams..
Did I miss Johnny Cash?
Yeah, prob'ly, you SAID you didn't want to keep close tabs,
write?
Sure.
Here's the thing about getting doped.. I want to be up to
call Ms Baldwin @ the school, um, around about a quarter 'til
sevenAM.. maybe Steven, too.
J Geils
Doobie Bros after a short, gassy potty break.
Definitely making progress; it's 144AM.. almost for sure this
deal will be done by 230AM; I think you oughta get amenable
to hitting a second Ambien.
I'm going to see if my robe got dry; I'm feelin' a bit of a
chill.
It did and the process is thru' the BeeGees and into the
Beatles.. second pill's in me.
I'll let it in, but you must have noticed that the socalled
fun seems to come after the third infusion.. and lasts only
a couple of minutes before the nonsense is swept away by the
flood of unconsciousness.
Yeah, I got it. Go check that roast yer tryin' to get into
the crock.
Beatles!
The point is made, we could be done w/the convert by 130AM.
I put two pills in.. wouldya JUST shut up and .. let it be.
Sure. Still Beatles @ 225AM, but I've got a slab of pork
roast in the crock annit's JUST itchin' to be pulled pork
around noonish. So, I need to keep the Ken machine distracted,
engaged, moving along for another six or seven hours while
that dish gets mostly done. @ least in a perfect world, THIS
would be the perfect situation for the weasel that is Ken..
socalled time to play and no expectations about the outcome..
the product.. except that there is or would.. um.. wouldoris
be more than when we started.
Still Beatles.. I saw you look up to Max's Silver Hammer..
now Octopus's Garden..ooh oh, I want You (She's So Heavy).
That's quite enough of that. It's 130AM, the Neil is imminent
and we can all go back to whatever we were doing before.
I was trying to get back under the mask.. Art of Noise @
242AM. I think the masses are poised, pressing to dash for
the bed and mask as soon as it looks like the mechanical
part of the chore is accomplished,
"Aint Wastin' Time No More," .. "Little Martha".. "Revival"..
Allman Bros, almost for sure.. yeah, there's "One Way Out."
Definitely AllBros. Gonna be the Neil wrap up soon and I will
dash promptly to bed.. rest up enough to get up and deal
w/the pig in the crock in a few hours.
Wait wait how did we get from AllBros to Styx? Renegade? Too
Much Time on My Hands? THIS aint write. Fuckin' 353AM, we
should be hip deep in the Neil and getting ready to wade OUT
of this morass.
Miss America.. Mr Roboto.. I protest!
I shoulda known this was going MUCH too well.. now Stevie
Ray.. I'm disgusted.
Steve Miller? It seemed to be rolling along so predictably..
and I'm feelin'.. idunno.. betrayed, 'cause I was kinda
counting on getting under the mask.. soon.. maybe already.
Freakin' Steely Dan, how does that happen? I definitely want
more dope to fix my mind around this crap.. cope and Zope..
how's that sound? Let's talk stupid.. it's 403AM, the
conversion trail's taken a wicked twist.. and "found" a
string of Soundtrack albums to move.. Grease, Forrest Gump,
Jesus Christ Superstar, Dazed and Confused.. who KNOWS what
else.. annit's after fourAM. I got disgusted and mode more
coffee and pitched in the third Ambien. In previous
campaigns against mental wellness, three Ambiens seemed to
provide the break point.. Simon & Garfunkel? You're putting
me on. There may be, really NO END to the conversion in this
sitting. The plus side izzat if this DOES get done then iota
be able to .. maybe twice as much as far as sorting and
sharing my fab tune collection.. We'll see, maybe start
putting a simple tag like A or l to indicate the sources
before conversion was vinyl, as opposed to the cd WAV stuff..
it might make a difference someday. Still circlin' around the
S mess.. Santana. Jen's going to bed. I gotta wonder if
that's going to prompt me to see how much the smurf will slow
this operation down.. it's sure not going to make it any less
interesting.
Sit long enough to see where it goes after the Supernatural
disc..
Gimme another pill.
Really? A fourth.. doncha think that's kinda..
Pushing the limits? Maybe, but we're all upwrite and got
socalled time on our hands. Get your answer, go reload the
cuppa and take some min in the potty w/Conflict.. hmm The
Calling.. still Carlos, I'm thinking. Oh yeah, Singing Winds,
Crying Beasts.. ABRAXAS! Go Carlos go.

2-11-10 Oh em gee, up, sort of @1130AM, I didn't call the
school, I have NO new messes in the Gspot, the convert's
STILL going.. it says 293 albums @ 4.8 days worth of moozic!
I'm nearly impressed. And that's mainly the stuff I moved
from the classroom machine; I've only converted six or seven
disks @ the house. Woo hoo! It IS hip deep in the Neil, @
last.. maybe get finished by noon or onepm. Hey, there's
"Tell Me Why" anniknow it's the After the Goldrush version,
'cause it's already done Decade.. yeah, and Only Love Can
Break Your Heart.. this COULD be the end of the trail!
Southern Man.. 'Till the Morning Comes.. Oh, Lonesome Me..
Don't Let It Bring You Down.. Birds.. When You Dance.. I
Believe in You.. Cripple Creek Ferry.. this could be IT..
nope.. wow, My Funny Valentine, that's prob'ly Miles Davis..
hmm, yep, Blues By Five.. Miles' quintet.. now I'm confoosed
.. again, s'more. I guess it'll get done when it's done, eh.
Hmmm, Michael Jackson @ noon.. this could be a while, yet.
Madonna.. hmm, Human Nature, wazzis, Janet Jackson? I really
don't know, the conversion window only gives me song titles,
Sanctuary.. Bedtime Story.. still Madge @ 1238pm. The count's
up to 312 albums and 5.2 days when it moves to Lynyrd Skynyrd
.. yeah, Sweet Home Alabama was kind of a tip. So, there's
still a ways to go. I wonder if the iToy sifted past the
"clever" way I'd moved the Neil into that "aaneil" folder;
there are several Neil folders in the biggo Music folder so
that one could still be the last one converted. Dude, onepm
and it's Loggins and Messina.
Closing fast on twopm.. need to get showered, Led Zep.. 324
albums and 5.5 days.
321pm, 456 albums.. 14 gigs of music to run in 8.7 days and
there's sill a way to go. Billy Joel's going in.. I'd hafta
to look @ the biggo file to get a clue what's left; I'm not
going to do that. I'd like for it to be done, that's for
sure; I can't go to a mailbox or do the sweepstakes thing
w/out slowing the conversion to a crawl. Word doesn't seem
too bad, the pic smurf's not too bad.. MoodTracker's a big
drag, Gmail nearly cripples it. I wanna go to bed. Hmm, I've
run in about 250 albums since I got up around 1130AM, that
was eight hours ago.. and.. so that's nearly as much as went
in for all of the, um, twelve hours before that. Lessee, the
school machine said ~345 hours.. yeah, something over fifteen
days.. shit. I guess I only THOUGHT I was getting close to
being done.
There's Janis.. it's Big Brother (& the Holding Co.) y'know.
Bad Co, ACDC, I rilly don't have any idea what's left..
Aerosmith, Beethoven.. maybe the school count was closer to
250 than 350 and we're a lot closer to being finished than..
eight more hours. Yep, starting into the Beethoven.. should
be all nine symphonies and a couple of strays. Count it down
w/me. Bad Co.. April Wine.. Alice Cooper.. Alabama.. Al
Green.. I'm REALLY counting on getting done w/this project
in a short while, it's 1113pm.. Aerosmith.. I s'pose that if
the sly Neil folder's been raided already, then we'll get to
ACDC inna short short and I can.. pretend to do something
else, maybe before midnight. I wonder if Air Supply went in
w/one of the earlier sweeps or if I never took it to school
to get loaded. Whatever, IF and when the big stack's turned,
I reckon I'll do a restart and give some fleeting thought to
getting bedded and masked. I think what I want to know, next
about the iToy, is how it plays the stuff I've stuffed in the
library.. like does it have a decent random shuffle or is
this a situation where I've got to pick tunes and/or build
playlists. I guess we'll all find out more or less together.
Hmm, Eat the Rich.. still Aerosmith.. Dream On, Same Old Song
and Dance, Sweet Emotion.. oughta be JUSTabout done.. walk
This Way.. can we PLEASE move on? To begin w/I'm past tired
of naming tunes and bands. 480 album titles and 15.4 gigs of
music.. Awwright! Go Down.. ACDC is in the house.. prob'ly
four or five disks from Angus and crew.. cool, I'm thinking
this gig's gonna be wrapped by midnite, unless there's a wad
of sneaky Neil waiting in the digital wings.

2-12-10 Annit looks like we're done @ 485 albums @ 15.69
gigs.. 'till I bring in s'more vinyl.. or something. It's
1217AM. I pushed play and the first rattle is Miles Davis
from Doo Bop. Dude.. some little meltdown sent me to bed for
seven or eight hours and I still can't.. deal.

2-13-10 @ 1007pm.. yeah, up from a nap. It aint pretty. I,
um, started playing w/the album conversion thingy again;
still working on Roger Williams tunes to test out the
procedure for making a cd. As per usual, the software is
being quite slow and cantankerous. It's almost as if ..
well.. one more way that I'm not having a real good time
playing w/my toys. My brain hurts. I've been .. not waging a
successful campaign against mental wellness, I guess. This is
prob'ly where a responsible person.. not ME, clearly.. would
reenter talk therapy. Evidently I'm no longer able to having
George and Glynda in that role. That's such a shame and the
very worst part is going to be getting Jen on board, I think.
Perhaps, if I take a little initiative and find this
professional on my own, then she'll be more amenable to
letting me pursue that avenue of treatment. Something's
gotta give and I'd rather NOT start making monthly
adjustments to my med regimen. Eh, stuff gets done, write?
Isn't that the pillar of my "faith in my'elf?" I'm..
unhappy.. annit's different from not being happy.
And you can't talk to me.
I can't tell which of us is the problem.
The problem?
The "one" that took FOUR freakin' Ambiens the other night..
the one that thinks it'd be okay to slide a couple more down
tonight.
Oh.
Imean, I'm sure it's me.. YOU wouldn't do ignorant shit like
that would you?
Well, fun's fun, y'know. Four, huh?
Dude, there was shit in the floor and in my clothes.
Ew, sounds messy.
Shit, real, actual feces.. and yeah, it was REAL messy.
An isolated incident, I'm sure.
I won't argue that point, but I think it's got to be, y'know,
an indicator of something seriously skewed somewhere. Another
f'instance is the way I can't approach the untend.
The string of avoidance naps.
Yeah, and y'know, it's not JUST the untend that sends me
sleepin'
I hate to sound so simplistic, but, rilly and truly, you've
GOT to sit down and start dealing w/it a page @ a time..
don't think about how many pages there are, how many get or
got handled, JUST start dealing w/'em one @ a time.
For HOURS @ a stretch.
Don't do hours, if you're not on a roll.. do SOME and then
do something else.
Nap.
That would be waaay down on the list. Cook, Read. Write,
even. Maybe go for a walk out to the birdfeeder or the can
crusher.
Yeah, there are always things to do.. clean a toilet, scrub
a sink, wash a floor.
So.. I'm guessin' that you're not much interested in playing
in the medicine cabinet tonight.
Of course, I can't categorically rule it out, but I'd think
not.
How 'boutcha see if there's a version of the Ind Obs handy.
Found it.. broke it into three chunks, the third is actually
the Malignant Seven, which tho' oft' alluded to in the
second half of Ind Obs, is a separate doc.

2-15-10 @ 105AM and this part of the programs almost
necessarily will have a buncha crap about school stuff. Oh
and there will some whining about the iToy which doesn't have
a "real" shuffle for the 3380 songs rc in the library.. It's
pulling songs out, seemingly @ random, but it will begin
w/and play the same songs in the same order.. so I s'pose
that means I'm going to hafta start building playlists. More
crap to work out later. All I know for sure izzat I am easily
annoyed and much displeased w/life.. okay MY life.. and yeah,
that sorta sums it up. I've come that that "come to Jesus"
moment. I must cop to the fact that whatever excuses I'm
making for my bad behavior, sorry attitude, my dopin', my
sloth.. It's mine and I made it happen and I can't nearly
overcome that stuff w/out the Lord's help and that means I
must acknowledge that this mess is my own but that I want him
to give me strength to clean it up. Here's what I love about
coming to Jesus.. he knows me; he knows me better than I do,
better than Jen does, and he's still willing to forgive the
sins.. MY sins. There's a real flow stopper; I s'pose it goes
on to say that I must ask for his help and be willing to
accept it. I am.. on both counts, ready and willing. And..
yeah, another and.. I'm going to see about getting the first
installment of the rebooted Indelicate Obsession posted.

And so I did. RCnow in the empty classroom.. in-service,
y'know.. the Lorazepam I pitched in before leaving the house
a couple of hours ago doing me no good @ all that I can tell,
the anxious wages unabated. Maybe if I'd come in and found
evidence that the sub had handled the classes.. but it seems
like the classes rather man-handled her and that .. well,
first period, esp, will feel the brunt of my fury. And the
one little shithead in seventh that actually cursed the sub..
definitely going to be in for some serious repentance. This
is the kinda crap that makes me not want to come to work..
'cause I'm prob'ly two glances away from getting the same
kind of ill treatment. I.. sigh. I need to find something
else that gives me as much satisfaction as teaching has, for
lo these many years, 'cause I don't want to be coming into
classrooms and dreading the arrival of my stoonts. It's going
to be more than I can manage to get home and not crawl under
the mask. And it's going to suck mightily if I come in
t'morrow having not mastered the untend.. I have no idea,
except thru' divine intervention that said task will get done.
I guess we'll all find out more or less tomorrow, eh. I say
stuff gets done, and .. believe that this beast is no
exception.. but I don't know how I'll feel if it doesn't get
done.. sure, I've got stuff for the kids and I think I can
make the week.. but.. but shit, I'm so NOT on my game and I
don't think it'd take a whole lot to bring me down.. a puff,
a whisper.


peace and hope
-km-