TueAM, barely, y’know.. about a haffan hour in. it’s nearly too late to put the Ambien in so I’ll very probably do the all-nighter. I’ve sent Sil a headsup, but.. well, I’m not especially optimistic that she’s up.. I could get lucky tho’. I’ve got some schoolstuff, of course, to help pass a few hours and the twenty minute drill of getting ready for school.. and that would include showering and picking a costume. BUT as we can see I’ve elected to sit and see what runs out. Usually, when I do this.. idle spew, I hafta start w/the updates.. it gets the flow going if it’s going to, or sometimes it or they’ll take me to a place where I must stop. So.. the document update. I mentioned more than a couple of times, I think, that Auspicious is stalled @ p65 where I got bogged down w/the telling of the albatross story. The biggo notebook, eh, it’s about to get filled, maybe a dozen pages.. but I figger I’ve lost the desi and I know that shouldn’t make a whole lot of difference.. actually, that shouldn’t make ANY difference @ all, but it does. I’d hoped that I could get her to peruse it once more, “for old lang syne,” before we parted ways. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. Nobody I hang around w/seems to find the time to read as much as I do. Which reminds me very little that Ariel’s sent me a large chunk of pt4 of the PiB thing and I’ve barely touched that. I guess when she took the perceived urgency from getting the read of the first three parts away, I stopped reading pt3 and.. and then I got to do some text play for Tu and a bit for Ariel in pt4.. so, the stuff I really like, playing in other folx fine texts has provided JUST enough distraction. I don’t even remember where I left off the read of pt3. So.. that leaves, what.. the psychic update. Dude, as usual, I’m clueless. I’m alternately craving sleep and sleepless. Let’s presume I haven’t yet gotten over the mess that closed Spring Break. You may recall that on the second Sat, I was much funked, mainly w/crap tangentially associated w/trying to tell.. well, you know. I think I can say w/out much fear of contradiction (but plenty of OTHER fears) that when I wrote, and then transed the line about love and Martha I broke thru’ the brittle crust and fell hard and fast. It IS a very tough admission and.. well, it’s JUST tough. The fact that it remains such a touchy spot after nearly five (hundred) years mainly serves to remind me that I have been crazy for a LOT longer than I’ve been taking meds for it.
peace and hope
-km-
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
oh, the drama
lemme saddle up the palomino and ride a few lines. MAYBE the reason i haven't managed to strike up the exchange w/micello is 'cause i keep doing such relatively extraordinarily long posts.. and let's be frank, i really do think i have overestimated my own interesting ness. BUT i remain hopeful that we'll get that exchange going.. maybe email is the way to go, and swap tales about how we came to be crazy and how we were diagnosed and how we came to cope w/the daily surrealities of our madness.
peace and hope
-km-
peace and hope
-km-
Sunday, March 22, 2009
click..click Is this thing ON ? ?
EVIDENTLY, I've much overestimated my interesting ness. Oh well, them's the breaks and here's yet another entry destined for no comments @ the G blog.
I gotta get some cooking done and get started on the untend. I'm certain that prog reps go out next week and I've made a kinda large deal about pushing the kids w/much work. SOME of it has to get somekinda evaluation. Of course, I want only to sit and play.. well actually I'd like for the girls to leave and let me sit and play; I'm a bit anxious about trying to harvest s'more dism while Jen's around. Except for the fact that she does go out almost every evening, tho', there's nothing to indicate that I'm fixin' to have some time for dissipative leisure. I started cooking ~5pm and that seemed (as it often does) to motivate Jen to get going. She hasn't actually left yet, but ibetcha she get out, w/Hailey, in the rc next haffan hour. I rilly AM such a bum.. wanting my sweet girls to take off so I can perv on some different skin. But.. perving on the familiar skin.. well that'd be completely unacceptable, so let's all try to consider ourselves fortunate that I've got this nearly harmless outlet. Oh crap. Slashettes coming to my city.. next weekend. I don't know how I can possibly miss the op to go see them, @ the same time, I don't know how I could ever make it work. Um, I don't think I can make it work. It's nearly unimaginable how.. the deception. And the purpose of the deception. I can't let it prey on my mind
Shit I can't see how to keep it off my mind. I've got a week to hatch a plan and get Jen's approval.
Okay, hombre.. the albatross.
Yeah, there's one for the funny how shit worx out dept.
I can't believe that you'd even consider this meet.
Hmmph, obviously you don't know me.
This can't be a good thing. Whether you're..
Over it?
Yeah, whether you're over .. and I know you're not and that makes the event even crazier. Plus that thing about the HUGE damn lie it'll take to get your feet out the door. Why would you want to tread that path? You don't care about Jen's feelings @ all.
Well, she's not going to give her permission if I ask.
Hell, I'm not going to give you permission if you ask.
Oh, it's like that.
It has to be.
Yeah, there's a load of dissembling to be done.
Not enough drugs in the world.
No I suppose not, but damn, buddy.. imean I want to meet.. Wil, especially.
Yeah, I'm sure. Maybe she can teach you some geometry.
I'm going to put the Ambien in.
That sounds like a fine idea. The dope's not necessary and it's not going to change anything.
Dude, it's a fresh load of guilt.
I guess you thought we'd run out or something, eh.
Yeah, I musta.
This is fixin' to be a really really long week.
Don't even think about it. There's no chance that the op will materialize and.. if it does, you should pass as a token of good faith. You DO want some good faith 'tween you and your spouse don't you?
So.. in the piece that is or will get inserted relative above, I was trying to get an in on the albatross story. And I think that one worx out w/me giving Stephen Covenant to read.
The dopes' rushd infffffffffffffffffffffffffffff jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jklp;
Well, -I- think that's pretty interesting. My best guess izzat I .. well I really DON'T know whether it's some odd indicator that the malicious interface "lost some text due to my faulty save when I shut the box down or whether it's simply sloppy shit I sat down as the drugs kicked in before I did the faulty save. I'm pretty sure, tho' that when I put the machine on standby when I headed for bed I did not do a proper save. And then I did kinda the same thing when I left school today. I have or .. yeah.. there's a Word file on my desktop @school .. I've alluded to it and maybe even pasted it in where it seemed to fit .. anyhow, I had it open today and when I shut that machine down, I had three or four items open or running.. the pdf version of Covenant, MediaPlayer, Gmail, the mentioned file.. and I simply told it to shut down and didn't think about the Word file 'til it prompted me to save changes and by the time I moved to acknowledge that, the box was closed. So I don't know what that's going to look like MonAM and of course I don't have a clue what was save or lost. But I chided myself for NOT moving the file to the j'drive, already, and I had it w/me today. I s'pose that's the daily update. I've sorta gotten my mind around the idea that there's no way to get to see the slashettes; I'm nearly certain the familial unit will be taking a park day when those grrls are in town. My girls went out and I sat in the smurf or around three hours. Jen came back in a pissy mood, that's not likely to change soon. And this isn't going to speed up the desired shift. Nevertheless, I'm acting like I've got or am having a typing emergency. I know that I should be working on the untend or something that is or seems useful but ibetcha we all know the second verse to that song. I'm a bum and I can't help it. Okay, I could but I won't or don't and ..
Yeah, I think we get the picture.
I've got an experiment for ya.
Yeah?
Yeah, get your meds in and try tackling the albatross story in a frame.
Damn, that sounds scary as hell.
I didn't mean to suggest that it would be easy.
Or fun.
A couple of program notes.. I am not looking forward to the experiment and the very nature of said experiment pretty assures that Jen will interrupt more than twice. That said, let's watch for the clock and get the meds in.
1) the albatross.. okay first y'hafta appreciate the ref to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner and if yer hip to that then the rest of this tale is much facilitated.
2) stop the clock the first interrupt lasts for two minutes. So I was saying the albatross, my tale of woe and guilt is.. damn four years old, feels like a hundred and
3) is as fresh as yesterday. Memory what a bitch it can be. There's .. yeah something and this is going about as well as I thought it could. Tess.
4) I guess that's the term I need to get out the celebrated authoress, Ariel, Martha. And my foolish and deliberate involv
5) involvement.. somethinglike that. I got deeply madly infatuated and it has to be termed that way because it was a one way street. I may hafta to break this off before I can really get rolling because I don't know if I can form words and thought on
6) the topic still. And that's what flips me out. I can verbalize this thing, sort of but it starts w/learning about Price and then takes that
7) flashback thing .. yeah, I' pretty sure I missed a minute in the 5 line. Oh well it doesn't matter a whole lot. I think we can all tell that this is not going well.
8) so, Feb 04 I got involved w/Price and the celebrated authoress. It was that way. The work drew me to her.
9) I can sometimes find the line in ink where I realize that I'd started, consciously, down a dangerous path and chose to keep going.. knowing that neither ink nor whatever
10) I thought I was writing about would "fill the hole" I felt in my .. heart I guess. That seems to be what happened. I went in hoping
11) to get something that I was missing. I'm not sure I can or would name that thing that stuff that ness I thought I needed or wanted.. hoped to get..
12) but working w/her felt so good, so satisfying.. and still does. That's the thing that makes this tale especially woeful I'm still trying to get
13) some unnamable ness from.. yeah. What a mess. And it got worse and I don't see that it's gotten a whole lot better.. except that the weirdness
14) did get me some good meds and brought to the fore some maybe serious psycho problems .. or maybe as Glynda says, my
15) mental illness is only a crutch, the meds.. the diagnosis.. the therapy.. all shams to attract attention.. that attention is what I seek.. think I need to fill that hole. ding
Then it seemed prudent to make a fresh frame and I did that before going to bed. I guess I did the edit run and save before getting under the mask, too; I really don't remember.. and I'm not fixin' to read the stuff I set on the way out, either. The albatross thing has been on my mind too much and finding out that the slashettes are coming to town has certainly exacerbated that ..awful ness in all the very predictable ways. So, I'm taking advantage of the girls being out.. MY girls.. for ten hours or so to drink up the cognac Bethamber gave me. And I s'pose I'm pleased to announce that I am drunk @237pm. Jen and Hailey have been gone ONLY about an hour. My aim was to get plowed and over it before they got home, so.. maybe THAT aim will be realized. The bottle, the remainders of a pint, is drained and buried in the trash. I'm gonna optimistically figure that by 330pm I'll have consumed all the whisky and start on the getting sober part of this experiment. This experiment IS a whole lot more fun than the one I hatched and performed (poorly) last nite. It hurts to admit that I fell in love w/MarthaTessAriel and hurts even more to cop to not being over it four or five HUNDRED years later.
Yeah. So then I went and put something LIKE that whine up @ the Gblog. I'm thinking that in the AM, after I do the obligatory smurf, I'll start putting the em jour on LJ. Maybe back up to messin' w/the geek saga and move forward in five or six page chunks after that.. no particular reason, except that I haven't been sending it out to the posse for a few weeks and.. I'd like to see if there are any commentors out rcthere still. Of COURSE it's a vain Ken move, ALL the posting, mailing, posing is vain Ken stuff. I haven't done it for a while and I miss it. And I have't done it for a while.. well, I think it got stale and then it got hard to face. I don't know for a fact that's what happened, I don't actually recall details of when or why I ceased ending out weekly posts and I haven't done much for reading except for the local and sorta socalled timely ed runs; but I think somethinglike that musta happened. I s'pose I'll learn more about me and how the psychosis has been playing out when I start getting the chunks ready for the LiveJournal.. something to look forward to, I'm sure. I reckon I'll have to browse the sent mail spot to get a handle on when and where I stopped the irregular sends. AND there's girls in the driveway! Morrison and co are not yet done infiltrating the tunes files.. I guess I'm a prophet. The selection in the dark as the gals dash back out to take the pal back to Splendora is The Conversation. Thanx, Joni. She says she keeps him guessing.. Ah Jo.. pervin' on your galpal's man. I should be in bed, for sure. But I'm checking out the k'board in my lap. I could get used to it in ways that other k'boards have not, um, felt quite write. Which is not to suggest that the li'l wireless job I've got under my fingers is an ideal tool.. but it's very friendly; it feels like it WANTS to be in my lap.
I don't know if I told y'all.. I stayed up ALL night and got the untend tended before going back in MonAM. It's prog reps comin' up this week as we head into Spring Break. I guess I did some good.. got most of the stuff I've been hoarding for a few weeks knocked out.. everything but a couple of assignments.. but it'll be okay. I made the choices for what I wanted to measure and it looks like a good, fair, sample. And there's still enough to keep the heat on the slackers that need heating. I think, but won't swear that I'll get to bed by 930pm or thereabouts. It'll be interesting to watch. Oh, remembered to pull the stuff destined for this file off the school's desktop; it's still on the j'drive. I got kinda skittish about keeping the live spew on the j'drive, last week, so the file I use rchere also sits on the local desktop. I back it up irregularly to the j'drive.. every couple of days or so. And since I mentioned it, ttto Tanagled up in Blue, I'll take care of that li'l detail relatively now.
= = == = = ==
I'm ready to have a really.. not fab day. The maniac wants to be a badass and in the sometimes rotten school environment, that's a helluva risk. I chipped a haffa chill pill before I left the house and I was ready for another half by the time I got into the classroom. Second period is in rcnow and.. I'm not feeling good about the chances of getting thru' to lunch w/out comin' crossways @ one my li'l attitude cases. And there's no i'net, the service isn't working.. yet (2nd per) and that raises the specter of leaving the mean third to walk a suspect attendance sheet around to the office. I think my roster's changed since es dub ran the copy twenty days ago. This is a particularly nasty lessay insidious anxious.. edgy. Yay, the 'net came up. Third is in and loud. But the net came up so I can move this scrap out of the spot @ the top of my Necklace doc. and into the more familiar compost hole in the G spot. it DOES look like the mean third will get in and out w/out leaving any blood on the walls. Today, I'm counting that as a favorable sign. three or four of them have turn in their assignment.. due end of class today.. more will not. Fourth will be a freakin' oasis compared to this bunch. Fifth is never bad except for the length of that class. I'll be much annoyed if everyone in that group doesn't finish this work. of course many won't beause some never do. I'm trying not to get drowsy after the lunchin' break.. oh, I've got some chocolate in my drawer! it prob'ly won't take more than a couple of chunks to alter my attitude significantly. Oh poot, I knew, when I left thisAM that we'd have a meeting after school and I forgot to bring the clipboard. that's going to make that little episode seem to take a lot longer than necessary and it's going to start off longer than necessary.
get the date in.. 3-5-09.. it'll take some searchin' huntin' and readin' to figure out if what's in the relative above has already been moved into the oh nine doc. I'd bet it has, but well, that's the opener. I'm determined to have a good day if I hafta to medicate severely. I truly kinda sorta wish I'd brought the j'drive(s) but I didn't and it's prob'ly JUST as well 'cause that'd keep me playing the way I want to.. putting strings on the screen. I did bring both "working" ink docs. I don't expect to be in either, tho'. It's more likely that I'll be playing in the untend than inking lines.. and neither is predicted. I've got g'notes out but nobody's writing back. I'm thinking George may have taken a day. "Gelita" may not be able to reach her machine.. I won't pretend to make excuses for.. Ariel. It's definitely past socalled time to cut that albatross loose.
Heh, are you JUST getting around to that?
Don't judge.
No, rilly, dude.. this could be important. Four years after the tragic fact you're nearly ready to..
Get over it.
I'd like to believe you, but I think it's the Lorazepam talking.
Yeah, that seems nearly likely.
Think you'll ever be ready to talk about that shit.. imean beyond the telling of the tale?
Um, that's a toughie.. a real poser. Sometimes, y'know, I think I'd like to be able to get deep into the discuss w/another air breather.. but what ARE the chances when I can't seem to do the delve when it's JUST you and me?
I'm having a hard time believing that I can't raise any traffic in the g'spot.
That is nearly amazing.
Hey, Ariel, bless her heart did send a note. The "mean third" has come in for about an hour annahaf.
That oughta be something to look forward to.
Yeah, I'm sure. Do a quick count .. looks like 18 in the room, 8 that may be on task.. and given the terms of the fake assignment I've given, prob'ly four, I bet not more than five of the others, will earn the zero that can't be made up.
Ariel suggested that I send a note to Wil.. I did, but haven't gotten a reply, yet. I was hoping that she'd send me a clean copy of Covenant to browse during the "self-imposed" down-time today.
Short converses w/my floor prince indicate that there's a large amount of absenteeism among the faculty today. I figger George is in that group, maybe 'gelita, too. Oh well, Lunch, which is slated for an HOUR oughta be a quiet affair, prob'ly only me and Stephen. Yup, a VERY quiet affair, Stephen didn't show. Thirty or forty min into the solitude, tho', somekinda ruckus erupted in the cafeteria and that bit of bullshit shortened the lunch. THEN.. then those asswipe powers that wannabe decided to shorten what was left of the OTHER scheduled hour-long lunch.. but since instead they went to 6th period and around that socalled time Wil sent me a clean pdf version of Covenant, life was grand again. RCnow, the 7th p group is in and almost everyone in the room is on task. Yay.
Hey, got thru' yesterday pretty well.. very well, I reckon.. until RIGHT before bedtime when Ariel told me the slashettes were coming to my city. It's something.. I'm inclined to blame the dilemma on my bipolar ness, but it's really a matter of fidelity and being a partner and not being such a bum. But I can't imagine NOT going to see those gals and the duplicity, the deception, the hoops I'd have to jump thru' to make that happen are similarly unimaginable.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
damn it quits being early so quick. I wonder if I maybe iota medicate before I.. yeah, I probably should. The min before kids rush in rushed by and 1st period is in. They seem .. subdued. I like that, I'd like to think it's a trend that would continue @ least 'til 4th comes in. And w/a little somethinglike luck, the bells would shorten 3rd by ten or fifteen min.
As for ME.. I'm starting to feel okay. I napped for a couple of hours after grading the pitifully small bit of make up work I took in yesterday.. stayed down for three or four hours.. got up for about an hour annahaf and got coffee and costume ready for thisAM.. took an Ambien and slept the rest of the night.. did NOT want to get up and get going. It's much better now. I was thinking it was going to be a low attendance day, but those hopes have been dashed.
I've still got one assignment that hasn't been graded.. it'll get done, maybe get some of them on the books tonight, I'm not counting it as a zero, yet, so them that gets it will see a benefit mostly, but it's not hurting anyone where that grade hasn't hit yet.
- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
This is so not encouraging, every little task seems to be overwhelming the machine.. and I don't the see the stuff I'm sure I set yesterpm. Lemme go check and see if it's in the other file..
Yeah.. it wasn't. I don't how that happens. Maybe my fix isn't as good as I thought it was. I'd been having trouble saving crap to the j'drive and it seemed prudent to set the oh nine doc on the desktop.. for some reason, it seems more stable.. anyhow.. for a few days I've been thinking stuff wasn't "sticking" to the screen.. like I know I filled a few lines below the insert yesterpm.. mainly discourse about eh need to hunt down.. well whatever. It's gone. I'm going to suppose that I'm going to hafta do frequent saves for a while, like I'd gotten used to doing w/the dinosaur I abandoned. Oh well and whatever. Every change takes some getting used to, I guess it helps you recognize the change ness. It's elevenpm, the Ambien's in. I'm going to see about teaching the kids about Know the Code t'morrow. I wrote a few puzzles, this pm. Yay. I'm doing the save and clicking thru' some dism before I fade.
Ttto After Midnight.. it's Thupm.. going to be Fri in the AM.. for all intents and purposes, Spring Break starts tomorrow. I'm expecting to have a pretty good day. I got the kids going on Know the Code today and they.. most of 'em, seem like they're into it so that's what I've got on tap for all classes again. The second part of this lesson ought to be less chalk talk and more independent practice. Of course, before any of that good stuff can happen, I've got to spend some hours under the mask.. behind the gates of slumberland. I'll load up the Ambien in a little bit, but it doesn't seem likely that I'll be moving bedward before elevenpm. That's getting much too regular, and then I need to grab a nap when I come home from school. Of course, for a week or so, that's really not an issue, yay! In the relative now, as Cortez winds thru' that exquisite intro, I'm trying much too hard not to get tensed when I hear my sweetie's voice. That's the single thing I hate most about my psychosis.. and I do think it's the madness, this "phase" where there's nothing in the world that bugs me as much as hearing her talking to me. Okey dokey, the coffee's ready, the costume's ready, that leaves only the cats' box before I'm ready to be ready to move t'wards bed.. well, the box and jammies. I reckon I'm ready to input the sleep aid, that could get me into bed a few min before eleven.. that'd be fine. A framed exercise would be a whole lot of fun, ibetcha.. more than likely, tho', I'll move the streamin' funs to the Auspicious doc or maybe the big n'book. I think some ink action really is more suited to the slow settle I'm trying to produce. The rapid compost is lotsa fun, but it's not especially conducive to getting to sleep. Plus, I want to have my stuff disconnected from the machine.. security reasons.
Hmmm. It took quite long enough to get into the file. The joy of being home is fading fast. Jen was on the phone when I came in and.. I guess the girl simply has to talk all the time she's awake. Um, so I got too quickly to that place where I don't want to hear her. I s'pose I should have anticipated that and medicated appropriately. It's prob'ly not too late to get a piece of a chill pill in.. I'll go for the half. I had an "episode" @ school. A couple of kids playing in the room @ the beginning of 7th got me primed and then I went off on one when I couldn't get her focused. Things smoothed out, tho', but I shoulda known that I would be ready to quit liking being home too soon to suit. Several things I could have done differently might have prolonged the buzz of getting away from the school. I noticed the I was kinda craving the spit and I should have put some gum in; I didn't and that bit of tense preceded the seventh period outburst and I reckon could have been a precipatory factor. Man.. I've got no sense @ all; it's cold and I had a bowl of cake and ice cream.. sherbet, actually.. nevertheless, now I'm plenty damn cold. The heat's running and I've got a good potto coffee; I'll be fine. My right hand is so cold it hurts, but I'd noticed that and even mentioned it Jen before I had the cake and sherbet. Ah crap, a yawn. Less than haffan hour after putting he chill in. I don't care THAT much. Maybe the girls will take off for a while (unlikely w/the weather sucking so hard) and I and hit the smurf for a while. DAMN! More yawns, this is out of control.. plus being cold. I'm going to wind up crawling under some covers to get a nap. That would be sorta grand; I know for a fact that I'd get "my spot" under the comforter warm and cozy in a heartbeat. I'm really having a hard time w/the yawning. And it's so puzzling, I guess I'm run down a bit. I don't recall the chillin' Lorazepam ever hitting so quickly. ANOTHER yawn, give me a break. Well, when I went to fetch the cuppa refill, Jen mentioned looming trips but I've got a feeling I'm going to have to get horizontal before the girls can find their way out. I'm willing to do that.. kinda helping all us along the trail.
Yeah, I got snuggled in and they got gone for a short while. I've got msWin on the line, trying to see if they an get me a fix for the suddenly not working cd player. The machine says the driver's been corrupted or something and I'm hoping the Win folk will run a clean one in for me. it could happen. I figured that's kinda what they were there for. Meanwhile.. the online them seem to be running the slowest ever scan of my machine. If they report back w/some bullshit list of crap they consider essential and DON'T catch that bad driver I will be much disgusted. I mean rilly, folk, what IS the point if you're not going to find the actual problem that brought me to the quack site in the first place? I'm already not pleased w/their insistence that I undo some of the tweaks I initiated to get this box running a bit faster. Um, they've been running their long-distance scan for ten or fifteen min. I am so very not encouraged by the lack of speed and progress. I can see that this process, which I tried to avoid in the first place, is going to take much longer than I imagined. I goin' to guess that I'll have to leave it doing it's stoopid shit scan and go to bed. Jen will not be pleased to find the machine up when I'm not, and I'm not going to like telling her that I've got a problem.. even if it does get fixed nearly easily, simply the idea that I'm have woes w/a device she already doesn't like is a mess I don't want to wade into.
Speaking of messes I don't want.. I'm going to try.. actually I am trying to download a driver to "fix" the bad one. I guess we'll all find out more or less together how this trick works. It's going to take more that a little luck, I think, but I feel pretty lucky. It looks like I dealing w/Symantec on this deal, and it's free.. that sorta make me get a tiny bit optimistic.
I'm goin' to shut the g'spot and I'll be write back. Okay, not WRITE back, nothing moves nearly quickly enough, especially since I already loaded the sleep aid. There's a note from txmic and I didn't see the.. tag.. 'til I was already committed to minimizing the box. I'll ease back over to the relative there and see what's up, THEN close it. I'm trying to draw Michele into the odd ness, I want to hear some of her stories. I definitely need a larger sample of psychotics than I see in Carter, Stephen and my'elf, that was completely uncalled for, and yet, there it is on the screen, the drugs are in, how long to you want to try to pretend that something that maybe could be cobbled for recognition will go on? As for me, I'm merely letting the linecount run up or down, depending on yer perspective, and figgering there'll be a mell of a hess to clean out .. whenever, yeah, it could get done by the socalled time that the 'grafs find their holes and the fence gets stood up.
Don't mock me w/my own voice. Ooh, Guns and Roses going slow.
Yeah, we've got some surprisingly fab tunes loaded in annit's SUCH a shame that no more will get in 'til I figure out how to get the sick driver back on board. Um, need a quick executive decision.. shall we hit more spit on the way to the bedward stroll or not? I pick spit, Moving along, w/out reading or reading.
Hey, what's that about?
It's about moving forward.
I wanted to get topical.
Too bad, there's neither will nor socalled time. Heh, you're the master of neither.
I'm counting the yawns again; I can have you stumbling towards the bed in five or six min.
That sounds about write, it'll be oneAM.
Try to remember to hit the Advair, the mouthwash and maybe the cats' box on the way out.
I think I can handle that.
49pages. I wanted that on this line.
Done.
It looks like the Auspicious doc is about to bust 50 pages.
Dude, Auspi is bumpin' on 64 inked pages. THIS doc is oh nine.
Yay! And it looks like there's a butt load of cleaning to be done in the relative above dozen or so lines.
It's an occupational hazard. I think y'oughta stroll or scroll, ttto Old Man.. up around to p 12 and plot the next LJ post.
SunAM, I've got a load of cleaning to do in the relative this text. It might get done. I'm feeling.. like I'm stating a slide. Usually that doesn't last long. I expect that it's tied to knowing that the slashettes are probably going to come and go w/out me even exchanging notes w/them, much less getting a meet in. Deep down inside, I know it's better that way, but.. yeah, but.
Oh y'like anxiety? how 'bout me trying to set up the slashette meet. Hoping to commit atrocities against my holy covenants.. wish me luck. I figure I'll call Jen in about haffan hour and find out wuzzup. they left in the truck and i woulda thought they'd take the car. I don't know how they're scheduling anything, they may have dashed to get "stuff" before taking off for Beaumont. I kinda expected that Sara would've gotten to the relative here noonish or so, but it's a quarter 'til 2pm and.. well, the chance to slip WILL get away.Of course it would be VERY bad form and bad FOR me if I dashed to the airport and they came back to get the car. That bust is NOT an option, I'll call in a bit and see wuzzup.
They DID come back to get the car and by that time, I was in phoney commune w/Ariel and she rang in while the trade was in progress SOOOOO, tho' I prob'ly COULD have dashed out to the airport to see her, I didn't. And, similarly, even tho' the window was WIDE open, I didn't get to see Wil, Sil or Nan. That bites. oh well, eh, them's the breaks.
So.. crap! MonAm @ 238AM, that's nearly unforgiveable. Oh well (there's one I'm getting plenty tired of), @ least the Ambien's in. I've got nine pages of ohh nine ready to go up and be ignored @ the LJ. I s'pose that in some twisted way, that's something to look forward to. Anyhow.. I'll be bedward soon and, maybe back on the writing trail five six hours after that. The slashettes.. yeah, they came and went, passing astoundingly close to the window of opportunity which slammed shut JUST as I was thinkin' I'd wriggle thru'. Prob'ly for the best, eh. I almost can't believe it's still on my mind. Almost. AND, on that note, I'm switching back to the ink stream 'til I deem it's socalled time to get under the mask.
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there's always the frame thing.
Yeah, I've got a clean one and a spare.
Let's do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we'll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it'll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C'mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I'd like to think so, but it's more like Lennon's Watching the Wheels. I.. I'm fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I'm good. The dope's kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I'm bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my "new" G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it's the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in "bipolar funs" a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another "writer" in my on backyard. I can't tell that she's actually reading s
6) the stuff I'm posting, but it's good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had "this affliction" and how long did it take to get "under control?"
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I'd spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin' shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin' down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses.
Was that last night? It's Wed.. no, Tue.. trash day. I've been following Jen thru' stores for four annahaf hours. I don't think I uttered a sight of discontent the whole time but I kinda think when she talks about it it'll sound as if I was bitchin' about being dragged along the whole way. Maybe not. I think iota get another quarter of the chill pill in, tho, JUST for good measure. I'd tempted to go for the half, but .. let's see. The quarter's usually quite enough and the dope's NOT fixin' to run out.
NOW it's Wed.. 130AM. Jen's not happy 'cause nobody's showing any signs of getting to bed. To my credit, I guess, I've put the Ambien in and there's the first yawn. I s'pose iota be movin' this act to the page and let the ink stream carry me t'wards the gates of slumberland. I figger there's an average chance that I'll have an op to sit and play for a while after the chemical nap.
Woes.. not actual hurtful stuff, but inconveniences that make me feel harried. Make a list: first is getting used to the feel of the nice new wireless k'board. I tend to not tap the spacebar quite hard enough, of course, the k'board on the laptop this device replaces/services (heh slash servcies) is hyper sensitive, I guess that's a fair trade.
The cd reader/player conked out. The device manager tells me the driver is missing or corrupted. I'm guessin' that means corrupted somehow since it was working fine for a while. Working on the notion that there's a driver "out there" that I can download for free, I've put some feelers out on tech boards. Toshiba was no help w/the two I got from them.. wrong apps. The cd thing bugs me 'cause I was loading abuncha stuff onto MediaPlayer.. but I've noticed that there's not enough memory to go around if I've got MediaPlayer and the G spot open. I've always known that the google page is a memory hog.. all that continuous updating and.. stuff. If I dare have Word open, too, I can JUSTabout count on having buckets of trouble, the least of which is taking MINUTES to shift from one task to another.
There's something weird going on w/my Word.. or my j'drive.. I think it's the j'drive, but it seems to be affecting both of 'em.. and i've only used the 4gig for back up. But when I'm doing edit tasks or generally shuffling text between docs, I'll get ready to save and get a message about being "unable" to save because of some permission thing. So far, the only things "lost" have been dism docs, but it can't be a good thing. The workaround seems to be to save the doc I'm tinkering w/to the desktop and work w/that version then to a "save as" to move it back to the j'drive.
And then there's the usual thing about feeling neglected and abandoned by "my readers." Okay, part of that IS my fault; I quit sending out the irregular posts from the em journal around the time the geek saga got shifted to Confessions... But response had been waning, it seemed to me, so the psychotic decided to quit spamming my buddies. It was a unilateral decision. AND around that time I started putting some stuff @ my Google blog. That was prob'ly the last bitto "news" I shared w/the slashettes. It was one of those "kismet fits." I'd googled in "bipolar funs" and got directed to a two-year-old post @ a Google blog and the authoress turned out to be a 50-something woman in K'wood.. I reckon I've posted haffa dozen times trying to get or hold her interest, but I can't tell that she's reading the Ken @ all. So I put some stuff up @ A Muse. I read sixty entries back on my Friends' page, but didn't leave a single comment.
So.. that kinda stuff makes me think I'm flirting w/depression and of course, when I look @ how long so MANY of these behaviors and reactions have persisted, I've gotta think that this is or has been somekinda record setting string of days/weeks "off my feed," since as I've oft sed, my dep rounds are usually measured in HOURS.
There was more.. but Tess, imean Ariel ..dinged in and sent me some good angsty fic to browse.. maybe get a good weep; I requested it. And Jen came up behind me and said (in her best travel anxious voice) I can't believe that you're sitting there doing nothing. So I got up and did STUFF for a while. I can't tell it's made either us feel better or more agreeable. Them's the breaks, eh. My current inclination is to set the most recently ignored G blog post @ A Muse.. where it can be similarly ignored. And while I'm @ it, how 'bout pickin' a more or less random spot to clip the venerable oh nine doc and send it out to the usual suspects. That really sounds like more bother than I want to deal w/presently.
peace and hope
-km-
I gotta get some cooking done and get started on the untend. I'm certain that prog reps go out next week and I've made a kinda large deal about pushing the kids w/much work. SOME of it has to get somekinda evaluation. Of course, I want only to sit and play.. well actually I'd like for the girls to leave and let me sit and play; I'm a bit anxious about trying to harvest s'more dism while Jen's around. Except for the fact that she does go out almost every evening, tho', there's nothing to indicate that I'm fixin' to have some time for dissipative leisure. I started cooking ~5pm and that seemed (as it often does) to motivate Jen to get going. She hasn't actually left yet, but ibetcha she get out, w/Hailey, in the rc next haffan hour. I rilly AM such a bum.. wanting my sweet girls to take off so I can perv on some different skin. But.. perving on the familiar skin.. well that'd be completely unacceptable, so let's all try to consider ourselves fortunate that I've got this nearly harmless outlet. Oh crap. Slashettes coming to my city.. next weekend. I don't know how I can possibly miss the op to go see them, @ the same time, I don't know how I could ever make it work. Um, I don't think I can make it work. It's nearly unimaginable how.. the deception. And the purpose of the deception. I can't let it prey on my mind
Shit I can't see how to keep it off my mind. I've got a week to hatch a plan and get Jen's approval.
Okay, hombre.. the albatross.
Yeah, there's one for the funny how shit worx out dept.
I can't believe that you'd even consider this meet.
Hmmph, obviously you don't know me.
This can't be a good thing. Whether you're..
Over it?
Yeah, whether you're over .. and I know you're not and that makes the event even crazier. Plus that thing about the HUGE damn lie it'll take to get your feet out the door. Why would you want to tread that path? You don't care about Jen's feelings @ all.
Well, she's not going to give her permission if I ask.
Hell, I'm not going to give you permission if you ask.
Oh, it's like that.
It has to be.
Yeah, there's a load of dissembling to be done.
Not enough drugs in the world.
No I suppose not, but damn, buddy.. imean I want to meet.. Wil, especially.
Yeah, I'm sure. Maybe she can teach you some geometry.
I'm going to put the Ambien in.
That sounds like a fine idea. The dope's not necessary and it's not going to change anything.
Dude, it's a fresh load of guilt.
I guess you thought we'd run out or something, eh.
Yeah, I musta.
This is fixin' to be a really really long week.
Don't even think about it. There's no chance that the op will materialize and.. if it does, you should pass as a token of good faith. You DO want some good faith 'tween you and your spouse don't you?
So.. in the piece that is or will get inserted relative above, I was trying to get an in on the albatross story. And I think that one worx out w/me giving Stephen Covenant to read.
The dopes' rushd infffffffffffffffffffffffffffff jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jklp;
Well, -I- think that's pretty interesting. My best guess izzat I .. well I really DON'T know whether it's some odd indicator that the malicious interface "lost some text due to my faulty save when I shut the box down or whether it's simply sloppy shit I sat down as the drugs kicked in before I did the faulty save. I'm pretty sure, tho' that when I put the machine on standby when I headed for bed I did not do a proper save. And then I did kinda the same thing when I left school today. I have or .. yeah.. there's a Word file on my desktop @school .. I've alluded to it and maybe even pasted it in where it seemed to fit .. anyhow, I had it open today and when I shut that machine down, I had three or four items open or running.. the pdf version of Covenant, MediaPlayer, Gmail, the mentioned file.. and I simply told it to shut down and didn't think about the Word file 'til it prompted me to save changes and by the time I moved to acknowledge that, the box was closed. So I don't know what that's going to look like MonAM and of course I don't have a clue what was save or lost. But I chided myself for NOT moving the file to the j'drive, already, and I had it w/me today. I s'pose that's the daily update. I've sorta gotten my mind around the idea that there's no way to get to see the slashettes; I'm nearly certain the familial unit will be taking a park day when those grrls are in town. My girls went out and I sat in the smurf or around three hours. Jen came back in a pissy mood, that's not likely to change soon. And this isn't going to speed up the desired shift. Nevertheless, I'm acting like I've got or am having a typing emergency. I know that I should be working on the untend or something that is or seems useful but ibetcha we all know the second verse to that song. I'm a bum and I can't help it. Okay, I could but I won't or don't and ..
Yeah, I think we get the picture.
I've got an experiment for ya.
Yeah?
Yeah, get your meds in and try tackling the albatross story in a frame.
Damn, that sounds scary as hell.
I didn't mean to suggest that it would be easy.
Or fun.
A couple of program notes.. I am not looking forward to the experiment and the very nature of said experiment pretty assures that Jen will interrupt more than twice. That said, let's watch for the clock and get the meds in.
1) the albatross.. okay first y'hafta appreciate the ref to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner and if yer hip to that then the rest of this tale is much facilitated.
2) stop the clock the first interrupt lasts for two minutes. So I was saying the albatross, my tale of woe and guilt is.. damn four years old, feels like a hundred and
3) is as fresh as yesterday. Memory what a bitch it can be. There's .. yeah something and this is going about as well as I thought it could. Tess.
4) I guess that's the term I need to get out the celebrated authoress, Ariel, Martha. And my foolish and deliberate involv
5) involvement.. somethinglike that. I got deeply madly infatuated and it has to be termed that way because it was a one way street. I may hafta to break this off before I can really get rolling because I don't know if I can form words and thought on
6) the topic still. And that's what flips me out. I can verbalize this thing, sort of but it starts w/learning about Price and then takes that
7) flashback thing .. yeah, I' pretty sure I missed a minute in the 5 line. Oh well it doesn't matter a whole lot. I think we can all tell that this is not going well.
8) so, Feb 04 I got involved w/Price and the celebrated authoress. It was that way. The work drew me to her.
9) I can sometimes find the line in ink where I realize that I'd started, consciously, down a dangerous path and chose to keep going.. knowing that neither ink nor whatever
10) I thought I was writing about would "fill the hole" I felt in my .. heart I guess. That seems to be what happened. I went in hoping
11) to get something that I was missing. I'm not sure I can or would name that thing that stuff that ness I thought I needed or wanted.. hoped to get..
12) but working w/her felt so good, so satisfying.. and still does. That's the thing that makes this tale especially woeful I'm still trying to get
13) some unnamable ness from.. yeah. What a mess. And it got worse and I don't see that it's gotten a whole lot better.. except that the weirdness
14) did get me some good meds and brought to the fore some maybe serious psycho problems .. or maybe as Glynda says, my
15) mental illness is only a crutch, the meds.. the diagnosis.. the therapy.. all shams to attract attention.. that attention is what I seek.. think I need to fill that hole. ding
Then it seemed prudent to make a fresh frame and I did that before going to bed. I guess I did the edit run and save before getting under the mask, too; I really don't remember.. and I'm not fixin' to read the stuff I set on the way out, either. The albatross thing has been on my mind too much and finding out that the slashettes are coming to town has certainly exacerbated that ..awful ness in all the very predictable ways. So, I'm taking advantage of the girls being out.. MY girls.. for ten hours or so to drink up the cognac Bethamber gave me. And I s'pose I'm pleased to announce that I am drunk @237pm. Jen and Hailey have been gone ONLY about an hour. My aim was to get plowed and over it before they got home, so.. maybe THAT aim will be realized. The bottle, the remainders of a pint, is drained and buried in the trash. I'm gonna optimistically figure that by 330pm I'll have consumed all the whisky and start on the getting sober part of this experiment. This experiment IS a whole lot more fun than the one I hatched and performed (poorly) last nite. It hurts to admit that I fell in love w/MarthaTessAriel and hurts even more to cop to not being over it four or five HUNDRED years later.
Yeah. So then I went and put something LIKE that whine up @ the Gblog. I'm thinking that in the AM, after I do the obligatory smurf, I'll start putting the em jour on LJ. Maybe back up to messin' w/the geek saga and move forward in five or six page chunks after that.. no particular reason, except that I haven't been sending it out to the posse for a few weeks and.. I'd like to see if there are any commentors out rcthere still. Of COURSE it's a vain Ken move, ALL the posting, mailing, posing is vain Ken stuff. I haven't done it for a while and I miss it. And I have't done it for a while.. well, I think it got stale and then it got hard to face. I don't know for a fact that's what happened, I don't actually recall details of when or why I ceased ending out weekly posts and I haven't done much for reading except for the local and sorta socalled timely ed runs; but I think somethinglike that musta happened. I s'pose I'll learn more about me and how the psychosis has been playing out when I start getting the chunks ready for the LiveJournal.. something to look forward to, I'm sure. I reckon I'll have to browse the sent mail spot to get a handle on when and where I stopped the irregular sends. AND there's girls in the driveway! Morrison and co are not yet done infiltrating the tunes files.. I guess I'm a prophet. The selection in the dark as the gals dash back out to take the pal back to Splendora is The Conversation. Thanx, Joni. She says she keeps him guessing.. Ah Jo.. pervin' on your galpal's man. I should be in bed, for sure. But I'm checking out the k'board in my lap. I could get used to it in ways that other k'boards have not, um, felt quite write. Which is not to suggest that the li'l wireless job I've got under my fingers is an ideal tool.. but it's very friendly; it feels like it WANTS to be in my lap.
I don't know if I told y'all.. I stayed up ALL night and got the untend tended before going back in MonAM. It's prog reps comin' up this week as we head into Spring Break. I guess I did some good.. got most of the stuff I've been hoarding for a few weeks knocked out.. everything but a couple of assignments.. but it'll be okay. I made the choices for what I wanted to measure and it looks like a good, fair, sample. And there's still enough to keep the heat on the slackers that need heating. I think, but won't swear that I'll get to bed by 930pm or thereabouts. It'll be interesting to watch. Oh, remembered to pull the stuff destined for this file off the school's desktop; it's still on the j'drive. I got kinda skittish about keeping the live spew on the j'drive, last week, so the file I use rchere also sits on the local desktop. I back it up irregularly to the j'drive.. every couple of days or so. And since I mentioned it, ttto Tanagled up in Blue, I'll take care of that li'l detail relatively now.
= = == = = ==
I'm ready to have a really.. not fab day. The maniac wants to be a badass and in the sometimes rotten school environment, that's a helluva risk. I chipped a haffa chill pill before I left the house and I was ready for another half by the time I got into the classroom. Second period is in rcnow and.. I'm not feeling good about the chances of getting thru' to lunch w/out comin' crossways @ one my li'l attitude cases. And there's no i'net, the service isn't working.. yet (2nd per) and that raises the specter of leaving the mean third to walk a suspect attendance sheet around to the office. I think my roster's changed since es dub ran the copy twenty days ago. This is a particularly nasty lessay insidious anxious.. edgy. Yay, the 'net came up. Third is in and loud. But the net came up so I can move this scrap out of the spot @ the top of my Necklace doc. and into the more familiar compost hole in the G spot. it DOES look like the mean third will get in and out w/out leaving any blood on the walls. Today, I'm counting that as a favorable sign. three or four of them have turn in their assignment.. due end of class today.. more will not. Fourth will be a freakin' oasis compared to this bunch. Fifth is never bad except for the length of that class. I'll be much annoyed if everyone in that group doesn't finish this work. of course many won't beause some never do. I'm trying not to get drowsy after the lunchin' break.. oh, I've got some chocolate in my drawer! it prob'ly won't take more than a couple of chunks to alter my attitude significantly. Oh poot, I knew, when I left thisAM that we'd have a meeting after school and I forgot to bring the clipboard. that's going to make that little episode seem to take a lot longer than necessary and it's going to start off longer than necessary.
get the date in.. 3-5-09.. it'll take some searchin' huntin' and readin' to figure out if what's in the relative above has already been moved into the oh nine doc. I'd bet it has, but well, that's the opener. I'm determined to have a good day if I hafta to medicate severely. I truly kinda sorta wish I'd brought the j'drive(s) but I didn't and it's prob'ly JUST as well 'cause that'd keep me playing the way I want to.. putting strings on the screen. I did bring both "working" ink docs. I don't expect to be in either, tho'. It's more likely that I'll be playing in the untend than inking lines.. and neither is predicted. I've got g'notes out but nobody's writing back. I'm thinking George may have taken a day. "Gelita" may not be able to reach her machine.. I won't pretend to make excuses for.. Ariel. It's definitely past socalled time to cut that albatross loose.
Heh, are you JUST getting around to that?
Don't judge.
No, rilly, dude.. this could be important. Four years after the tragic fact you're nearly ready to..
Get over it.
I'd like to believe you, but I think it's the Lorazepam talking.
Yeah, that seems nearly likely.
Think you'll ever be ready to talk about that shit.. imean beyond the telling of the tale?
Um, that's a toughie.. a real poser. Sometimes, y'know, I think I'd like to be able to get deep into the discuss w/another air breather.. but what ARE the chances when I can't seem to do the delve when it's JUST you and me?
I'm having a hard time believing that I can't raise any traffic in the g'spot.
That is nearly amazing.
Hey, Ariel, bless her heart did send a note. The "mean third" has come in for about an hour annahaf.
That oughta be something to look forward to.
Yeah, I'm sure. Do a quick count .. looks like 18 in the room, 8 that may be on task.. and given the terms of the fake assignment I've given, prob'ly four, I bet not more than five of the others, will earn the zero that can't be made up.
Ariel suggested that I send a note to Wil.. I did, but haven't gotten a reply, yet. I was hoping that she'd send me a clean copy of Covenant to browse during the "self-imposed" down-time today.
Short converses w/my floor prince indicate that there's a large amount of absenteeism among the faculty today. I figger George is in that group, maybe 'gelita, too. Oh well, Lunch, which is slated for an HOUR oughta be a quiet affair, prob'ly only me and Stephen. Yup, a VERY quiet affair, Stephen didn't show. Thirty or forty min into the solitude, tho', somekinda ruckus erupted in the cafeteria and that bit of bullshit shortened the lunch. THEN.. then those asswipe powers that wannabe decided to shorten what was left of the OTHER scheduled hour-long lunch.. but since instead they went to 6th period and around that socalled time Wil sent me a clean pdf version of Covenant, life was grand again. RCnow, the 7th p group is in and almost everyone in the room is on task. Yay.
Hey, got thru' yesterday pretty well.. very well, I reckon.. until RIGHT before bedtime when Ariel told me the slashettes were coming to my city. It's something.. I'm inclined to blame the dilemma on my bipolar ness, but it's really a matter of fidelity and being a partner and not being such a bum. But I can't imagine NOT going to see those gals and the duplicity, the deception, the hoops I'd have to jump thru' to make that happen are similarly unimaginable.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
damn it quits being early so quick. I wonder if I maybe iota medicate before I.. yeah, I probably should. The min before kids rush in rushed by and 1st period is in. They seem .. subdued. I like that, I'd like to think it's a trend that would continue @ least 'til 4th comes in. And w/a little somethinglike luck, the bells would shorten 3rd by ten or fifteen min.
As for ME.. I'm starting to feel okay. I napped for a couple of hours after grading the pitifully small bit of make up work I took in yesterday.. stayed down for three or four hours.. got up for about an hour annahaf and got coffee and costume ready for thisAM.. took an Ambien and slept the rest of the night.. did NOT want to get up and get going. It's much better now. I was thinking it was going to be a low attendance day, but those hopes have been dashed.
I've still got one assignment that hasn't been graded.. it'll get done, maybe get some of them on the books tonight, I'm not counting it as a zero, yet, so them that gets it will see a benefit mostly, but it's not hurting anyone where that grade hasn't hit yet.
- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
This is so not encouraging, every little task seems to be overwhelming the machine.. and I don't the see the stuff I'm sure I set yesterpm. Lemme go check and see if it's in the other file..
Yeah.. it wasn't. I don't how that happens. Maybe my fix isn't as good as I thought it was. I'd been having trouble saving crap to the j'drive and it seemed prudent to set the oh nine doc on the desktop.. for some reason, it seems more stable.. anyhow.. for a few days I've been thinking stuff wasn't "sticking" to the screen.. like I know I filled a few lines below the insert yesterpm.. mainly discourse about eh need to hunt down.. well whatever. It's gone. I'm going to suppose that I'm going to hafta do frequent saves for a while, like I'd gotten used to doing w/the dinosaur I abandoned. Oh well and whatever. Every change takes some getting used to, I guess it helps you recognize the change ness. It's elevenpm, the Ambien's in. I'm going to see about teaching the kids about Know the Code t'morrow. I wrote a few puzzles, this pm. Yay. I'm doing the save and clicking thru' some dism before I fade.
Ttto After Midnight.. it's Thupm.. going to be Fri in the AM.. for all intents and purposes, Spring Break starts tomorrow. I'm expecting to have a pretty good day. I got the kids going on Know the Code today and they.. most of 'em, seem like they're into it so that's what I've got on tap for all classes again. The second part of this lesson ought to be less chalk talk and more independent practice. Of course, before any of that good stuff can happen, I've got to spend some hours under the mask.. behind the gates of slumberland. I'll load up the Ambien in a little bit, but it doesn't seem likely that I'll be moving bedward before elevenpm. That's getting much too regular, and then I need to grab a nap when I come home from school. Of course, for a week or so, that's really not an issue, yay! In the relative now, as Cortez winds thru' that exquisite intro, I'm trying much too hard not to get tensed when I hear my sweetie's voice. That's the single thing I hate most about my psychosis.. and I do think it's the madness, this "phase" where there's nothing in the world that bugs me as much as hearing her talking to me. Okey dokey, the coffee's ready, the costume's ready, that leaves only the cats' box before I'm ready to be ready to move t'wards bed.. well, the box and jammies. I reckon I'm ready to input the sleep aid, that could get me into bed a few min before eleven.. that'd be fine. A framed exercise would be a whole lot of fun, ibetcha.. more than likely, tho', I'll move the streamin' funs to the Auspicious doc or maybe the big n'book. I think some ink action really is more suited to the slow settle I'm trying to produce. The rapid compost is lotsa fun, but it's not especially conducive to getting to sleep. Plus, I want to have my stuff disconnected from the machine.. security reasons.
Hmmm. It took quite long enough to get into the file. The joy of being home is fading fast. Jen was on the phone when I came in and.. I guess the girl simply has to talk all the time she's awake. Um, so I got too quickly to that place where I don't want to hear her. I s'pose I should have anticipated that and medicated appropriately. It's prob'ly not too late to get a piece of a chill pill in.. I'll go for the half. I had an "episode" @ school. A couple of kids playing in the room @ the beginning of 7th got me primed and then I went off on one when I couldn't get her focused. Things smoothed out, tho', but I shoulda known that I would be ready to quit liking being home too soon to suit. Several things I could have done differently might have prolonged the buzz of getting away from the school. I noticed the I was kinda craving the spit and I should have put some gum in; I didn't and that bit of tense preceded the seventh period outburst and I reckon could have been a precipatory factor. Man.. I've got no sense @ all; it's cold and I had a bowl of cake and ice cream.. sherbet, actually.. nevertheless, now I'm plenty damn cold. The heat's running and I've got a good potto coffee; I'll be fine. My right hand is so cold it hurts, but I'd noticed that and even mentioned it Jen before I had the cake and sherbet. Ah crap, a yawn. Less than haffan hour after putting he chill in. I don't care THAT much. Maybe the girls will take off for a while (unlikely w/the weather sucking so hard) and I and hit the smurf for a while. DAMN! More yawns, this is out of control.. plus being cold. I'm going to wind up crawling under some covers to get a nap. That would be sorta grand; I know for a fact that I'd get "my spot" under the comforter warm and cozy in a heartbeat. I'm really having a hard time w/the yawning. And it's so puzzling, I guess I'm run down a bit. I don't recall the chillin' Lorazepam ever hitting so quickly. ANOTHER yawn, give me a break. Well, when I went to fetch the cuppa refill, Jen mentioned looming trips but I've got a feeling I'm going to have to get horizontal before the girls can find their way out. I'm willing to do that.. kinda helping all us along the trail.
Yeah, I got snuggled in and they got gone for a short while. I've got msWin on the line, trying to see if they an get me a fix for the suddenly not working cd player. The machine says the driver's been corrupted or something and I'm hoping the Win folk will run a clean one in for me. it could happen. I figured that's kinda what they were there for. Meanwhile.. the online them seem to be running the slowest ever scan of my machine. If they report back w/some bullshit list of crap they consider essential and DON'T catch that bad driver I will be much disgusted. I mean rilly, folk, what IS the point if you're not going to find the actual problem that brought me to the quack site in the first place? I'm already not pleased w/their insistence that I undo some of the tweaks I initiated to get this box running a bit faster. Um, they've been running their long-distance scan for ten or fifteen min. I am so very not encouraged by the lack of speed and progress. I can see that this process, which I tried to avoid in the first place, is going to take much longer than I imagined. I goin' to guess that I'll have to leave it doing it's stoopid shit scan and go to bed. Jen will not be pleased to find the machine up when I'm not, and I'm not going to like telling her that I've got a problem.. even if it does get fixed nearly easily, simply the idea that I'm have woes w/a device she already doesn't like is a mess I don't want to wade into.
Speaking of messes I don't want.. I'm going to try.. actually I am trying to download a driver to "fix" the bad one. I guess we'll all find out more or less together how this trick works. It's going to take more that a little luck, I think, but I feel pretty lucky. It looks like I dealing w/Symantec on this deal, and it's free.. that sorta make me get a tiny bit optimistic.
I'm goin' to shut the g'spot and I'll be write back. Okay, not WRITE back, nothing moves nearly quickly enough, especially since I already loaded the sleep aid. There's a note from txmic and I didn't see the.. tag.. 'til I was already committed to minimizing the box. I'll ease back over to the relative there and see what's up, THEN close it. I'm trying to draw Michele into the odd ness, I want to hear some of her stories. I definitely need a larger sample of psychotics than I see in Carter, Stephen and my'elf, that was completely uncalled for, and yet, there it is on the screen, the drugs are in, how long to you want to try to pretend that something that maybe could be cobbled for recognition will go on? As for me, I'm merely letting the linecount run up or down, depending on yer perspective, and figgering there'll be a mell of a hess to clean out .. whenever, yeah, it could get done by the socalled time that the 'grafs find their holes and the fence gets stood up.
Don't mock me w/my own voice. Ooh, Guns and Roses going slow.
Yeah, we've got some surprisingly fab tunes loaded in annit's SUCH a shame that no more will get in 'til I figure out how to get the sick driver back on board. Um, need a quick executive decision.. shall we hit more spit on the way to the bedward stroll or not? I pick spit, Moving along, w/out reading or reading.
Hey, what's that about?
It's about moving forward.
I wanted to get topical.
Too bad, there's neither will nor socalled time. Heh, you're the master of neither.
I'm counting the yawns again; I can have you stumbling towards the bed in five or six min.
That sounds about write, it'll be oneAM.
Try to remember to hit the Advair, the mouthwash and maybe the cats' box on the way out.
I think I can handle that.
49pages. I wanted that on this line.
Done.
It looks like the Auspicious doc is about to bust 50 pages.
Dude, Auspi is bumpin' on 64 inked pages. THIS doc is oh nine.
Yay! And it looks like there's a butt load of cleaning to be done in the relative above dozen or so lines.
It's an occupational hazard. I think y'oughta stroll or scroll, ttto Old Man.. up around to p 12 and plot the next LJ post.
SunAM, I've got a load of cleaning to do in the relative this text. It might get done. I'm feeling.. like I'm stating a slide. Usually that doesn't last long. I expect that it's tied to knowing that the slashettes are probably going to come and go w/out me even exchanging notes w/them, much less getting a meet in. Deep down inside, I know it's better that way, but.. yeah, but.
Oh y'like anxiety? how 'bout me trying to set up the slashette meet. Hoping to commit atrocities against my holy covenants.. wish me luck. I figure I'll call Jen in about haffan hour and find out wuzzup. they left in the truck and i woulda thought they'd take the car. I don't know how they're scheduling anything, they may have dashed to get "stuff" before taking off for Beaumont. I kinda expected that Sara would've gotten to the relative here noonish or so, but it's a quarter 'til 2pm and.. well, the chance to slip WILL get away.Of course it would be VERY bad form and bad FOR me if I dashed to the airport and they came back to get the car. That bust is NOT an option, I'll call in a bit and see wuzzup.
They DID come back to get the car and by that time, I was in phoney commune w/Ariel and she rang in while the trade was in progress SOOOOO, tho' I prob'ly COULD have dashed out to the airport to see her, I didn't. And, similarly, even tho' the window was WIDE open, I didn't get to see Wil, Sil or Nan. That bites. oh well, eh, them's the breaks.
So.. crap! MonAm @ 238AM, that's nearly unforgiveable. Oh well (there's one I'm getting plenty tired of), @ least the Ambien's in. I've got nine pages of ohh nine ready to go up and be ignored @ the LJ. I s'pose that in some twisted way, that's something to look forward to. Anyhow.. I'll be bedward soon and, maybe back on the writing trail five six hours after that. The slashettes.. yeah, they came and went, passing astoundingly close to the window of opportunity which slammed shut JUST as I was thinkin' I'd wriggle thru'. Prob'ly for the best, eh. I almost can't believe it's still on my mind. Almost. AND, on that note, I'm switching back to the ink stream 'til I deem it's socalled time to get under the mask.
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there's always the frame thing.
Yeah, I've got a clean one and a spare.
Let's do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we'll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it'll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C'mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I'd like to think so, but it's more like Lennon's Watching the Wheels. I.. I'm fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I'm good. The dope's kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I'm bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my "new" G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it's the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in "bipolar funs" a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another "writer" in my on backyard. I can't tell that she's actually reading s
6) the stuff I'm posting, but it's good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had "this affliction" and how long did it take to get "under control?"
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I'd spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin' shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin' down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses.
Was that last night? It's Wed.. no, Tue.. trash day. I've been following Jen thru' stores for four annahaf hours. I don't think I uttered a sight of discontent the whole time but I kinda think when she talks about it it'll sound as if I was bitchin' about being dragged along the whole way. Maybe not. I think iota get another quarter of the chill pill in, tho, JUST for good measure. I'd tempted to go for the half, but .. let's see. The quarter's usually quite enough and the dope's NOT fixin' to run out.
NOW it's Wed.. 130AM. Jen's not happy 'cause nobody's showing any signs of getting to bed. To my credit, I guess, I've put the Ambien in and there's the first yawn. I s'pose iota be movin' this act to the page and let the ink stream carry me t'wards the gates of slumberland. I figger there's an average chance that I'll have an op to sit and play for a while after the chemical nap.
Woes.. not actual hurtful stuff, but inconveniences that make me feel harried. Make a list: first is getting used to the feel of the nice new wireless k'board. I tend to not tap the spacebar quite hard enough, of course, the k'board on the laptop this device replaces/services (heh slash servcies) is hyper sensitive, I guess that's a fair trade.
The cd reader/player conked out. The device manager tells me the driver is missing or corrupted. I'm guessin' that means corrupted somehow since it was working fine for a while. Working on the notion that there's a driver "out there" that I can download for free, I've put some feelers out on tech boards. Toshiba was no help w/the two I got from them.. wrong apps. The cd thing bugs me 'cause I was loading abuncha stuff onto MediaPlayer.. but I've noticed that there's not enough memory to go around if I've got MediaPlayer and the G spot open. I've always known that the google page is a memory hog.. all that continuous updating and.. stuff. If I dare have Word open, too, I can JUSTabout count on having buckets of trouble, the least of which is taking MINUTES to shift from one task to another.
There's something weird going on w/my Word.. or my j'drive.. I think it's the j'drive, but it seems to be affecting both of 'em.. and i've only used the 4gig for back up. But when I'm doing edit tasks or generally shuffling text between docs, I'll get ready to save and get a message about being "unable" to save because of some permission thing. So far, the only things "lost" have been dism docs, but it can't be a good thing. The workaround seems to be to save the doc I'm tinkering w/to the desktop and work w/that version then to a "save as" to move it back to the j'drive.
And then there's the usual thing about feeling neglected and abandoned by "my readers." Okay, part of that IS my fault; I quit sending out the irregular posts from the em journal around the time the geek saga got shifted to Confessions... But response had been waning, it seemed to me, so the psychotic decided to quit spamming my buddies. It was a unilateral decision. AND around that time I started putting some stuff @ my Google blog. That was prob'ly the last bitto "news" I shared w/the slashettes. It was one of those "kismet fits." I'd googled in "bipolar funs" and got directed to a two-year-old post @ a Google blog and the authoress turned out to be a 50-something woman in K'wood.. I reckon I've posted haffa dozen times trying to get or hold her interest, but I can't tell that she's reading the Ken @ all. So I put some stuff up @ A Muse. I read sixty entries back on my Friends' page, but didn't leave a single comment.
So.. that kinda stuff makes me think I'm flirting w/depression and of course, when I look @ how long so MANY of these behaviors and reactions have persisted, I've gotta think that this is or has been somekinda record setting string of days/weeks "off my feed," since as I've oft sed, my dep rounds are usually measured in HOURS.
There was more.. but Tess, imean Ariel ..dinged in and sent me some good angsty fic to browse.. maybe get a good weep; I requested it. And Jen came up behind me and said (in her best travel anxious voice) I can't believe that you're sitting there doing nothing. So I got up and did STUFF for a while. I can't tell it's made either us feel better or more agreeable. Them's the breaks, eh. My current inclination is to set the most recently ignored G blog post @ A Muse.. where it can be similarly ignored. And while I'm @ it, how 'bout pickin' a more or less random spot to clip the venerable oh nine doc and send it out to the usual suspects. That really sounds like more bother than I want to deal w/presently.
peace and hope
-km-
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
stuff I wrote on the way to bed Monpm
A tool I invented to faciltate the maybe peculiar streaming I do and love is "the Frame." Basically, I set up a stack of prenumbered lines and start writing.. counting on the linewrap and the down arrow to make this sucker work. It does.. almost magnificently. Drop into the frame and type.. watch a second had somewhere and click the down arrow @ the min mark. DON'T use a return, it'll screw things up severely. I usually opt for the 15min frame, but I keep @ least one clean ten min frame around, too. Once this thing's set up, if you like it, it IS sorta imortant to keep a couple of "clean" versions around, else by the time you've created the frame, the "muse" has fled. JUST in case you think you'd like to play w/my toy, I'll put a clean frame @ the bottom of the post. All you hafta do is clip it onto a word page.. I save everything as txt, you'll do as you see fit, I'm sure.
+ + + + + + +
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there's always the frame thing.
Yeah, I've got a clean one and a spare.
Let's do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we'll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it'll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C'mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I'd like to think so, but it's more like Lennon's Watching the Wheels. I.. I'm fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I'm good. The dope's kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I'm bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my "new" G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it's the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in "bipolar funs" a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another "writer" in my on backyard. I can't tell that she's actually reading s
6) the stuff I'm posting, but it's good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had "this affliction" and how long did it take to get "under control?"
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I'd spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin' shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin' down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses.
peace and hope
-km-
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+ + + + + + +
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there's always the frame thing.
Yeah, I've got a clean one and a spare.
Let's do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we'll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it'll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C'mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I'd like to think so, but it's more like Lennon's Watching the Wheels. I.. I'm fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I'm good. The dope's kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I'm bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my "new" G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it's the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in "bipolar funs" a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another "writer" in my on backyard. I can't tell that she's actually reading s
6) the stuff I'm posting, but it's good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had "this affliction" and how long did it take to get "under control?"
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I'd spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin' shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin' down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses.
peace and hope
-km-
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25 years ? ! ? yer puttin' me on
USUALLY, this would go up @ A Muse (my LiveJournal site) and it pro'ly will.. later, but I thought I'd put it ..y'know HERE. It's not so much showing off as making a point.
= = = = = = = = = =
I'm going to go get under the mask and ibetcha I can slip thru' the gates of slumberland w/in ten or fifteen min. If not, I'll prob'ly be back in the relative here clutching a pen for a while. The pen stuff is usually more "soothing" than typing; I figure it has something to do w/the slower and more "controlled" rate of composition. It's JUST a theory.
SatAM annibetcha whatever "this" is will get dropped into the em journal when I have an op to do the drop. Psycho stuff first.. since it was so nearly successful yesterday, I expect to be eating li'l chips of chill pill like M&Ms today. the first quarter's now @930AM. I've been up for over an hour, mainly in converse w/the perfect child. we talk music where we really have no common ground except that we both like it a lot and like talking about it. I started waking around 330AM, that's sorta to be expected after the sleep aid @ ten or elevenpm whenever it was that it went in. I did go back to bed and started waking again around sixAM.. that's a guess, of course, since I can't read the clock from the bed w/out my glasses. and then it was a string of prob'ly twenty or forty min snatches lotsa vivid dreams about school and rotten testy situations. Okay, I could start ranting about the malicious interface @ any moment. There are things about this older version of Word that i'm starting NOT to like and not to like in BIG ways.. to begin w/I've had to save the doc as a Word piece, 'cause I'm getting some undesirable results in the txt format. I guess I can stand that for a while, if I can get the page stable and looking the way I expect it to. Oh, here's a note I need to get in. txmichele77 I did manage to go over to the G blog this AM using Jen's machine, and the audience of one has not left a comment on my rclatest post. I wanted to send her a note thru' her email and let her know that I my home machine had died. Well.. stuff. You know how vain Ken is going to scramble to try to keep a possible reader stringin' along. So, I was headed into a bitch about the way the dream thing got truly annoying and after five or six trips thru' that portal I was past ready to get out of bed.. plus I was starting to feel that "feeling" that I COULD nearly easily stay in bed all day and I regard that as a very bad sign. Also in the very bad sign dept., the fact that I had to type that last line twice, having lost it when I closed the doc. I'm going to spend ALL my time w/this machine learning how to use it again and then replace the motherfucker! I've forgotten how easily shit gets lost. I reckon iota start backing up everything.. heh, everything, that's one doc. Sigh, grumble grumble. This could get to be not a lot of fun in a hurry. AND w/out the smurf the distractive fun part is gone. Oh well, I reckon we'll survive. Let's see how this worx out.. I've started the save to the machine's drive, instead of the li'l disk. I think, but I'm not completely sure, that the save to the hard drive is a second or two quicker.. yeah, but I kinda still need to get into the habit of hitting ctrl S every time I let my hands rest for more than a second or so. AND I'll want to save it to the portable disk so I can take it school Mon and move this stuff onto the j'drive. This is sooo complicated. It shouldn't be, imean the task itself is easy enough.. familiar, and all that, but there are lotsa li'l dingy things that hafta go along w/the task to keep it going. That's the way it has to be for a while. and very probably, after I get a new machine, which I DO see as kind of inevitable, I'll have to learn a whole new set of protocols. Ah change. yeah, I checked, it takes less than a second to do the save to the em drive and fifteen or twenty to save the piece to the portable disk. I'm gonna guess its slow because of the overwriting; when I was doing the occasionally casual save to the floppy, it only took three or four seconds. Still, that's sorta the way it has to be. I'll do the casual save to the em drive and back it up to the floppy, um, occasionally. 1030AM. I reckon it's about time to be thinking about getting showered and having a day. 1140AM, showered, fed, fresh coffee and Cope. Jen's still bedded but not for long.. her phone rang and it's kinda past socalled time for her to be getting up. I don't think i've mentioned that I really like the new old k'board. it's.. got a weird familiarity. this is the one I used when I did all my learning to stream stuff in San mar and it FEELS like.. well I guess it feels like an old friend. It seems to me that when I do get a min or few to sit, that the stream runs more freely than it has in ages. Prob'ly not really that way, but it seems that way anyhoos. Maybe it's because I can't go anywhere w/this machine except into the text and, for a while that's only the relative THIS text. And for all the bitchin' I've done, I really do like the machine, too. 386.. that prob'ly doesn't mean anything to most of y'all. @ the time Jeff built it, that was the top of the line, fastest processor chip on the market. Windows for Workgroups v3, Word v6..OLD stuff and it doesn't crash. Prety much the only time i've lost data was from shuffling disks and not saving properly. Mostly. There was an occasion when Jen went in and trashed all my files. THAT kinda sucked. In the grand scheme of things tho', i've probably misplaced @ least as much data as i've lost.. case in point, two boxes of 5" disks w/abuncha DisplayWrite files on 'em.. complete mystery as to their whereabouts. oh well, them's the breaks, eh. So here sits Ken doing the idle spew and it feels better than it has .. for a long time. I'm givin' credit to the k'board. Maybe I can talk my'elf into doing some school stuff in a while. I've been outside crushing cans and I'm going back out to check fluids on the cars.. maybe pull a weed. It would not be unreasonable to say I'm hiding from Jen.. but I'll never admit it. Okey dokey, I found the boxes of dw3 files and done a couple of conversions to make sure I know how.. I do. The trick now is figuring out how to get a reading on how much space is left on the little (3") disks I'm putting the converted files on. The control panel on the desktop is no use @ all and I haven't even found something like My Computer which would easily show properties, such as space avail, anywhere in the options. Oh well, I think there's a place in dw3 that'll tell me how much space is left on a disk. I reckon that's the next thing to check. Hmm, that seemed to work out well. I found a few disks that have been corrupted somehow and can't be opened. One in particular is a tragic loss, it's transcriptions of the early nery stuff. Anyhow.. so it'll be a project, converting and moving the files. DisplayWrite has a utility that converts the files, or portion if you so choose, to plain text. Actually, it creates a plain text version, the source file is still there in dw3. I've converted most of these files before, I think.. but it's a fun thing to do and i've got plenty of room for multiple versions so that's no biggie.
By elevenpm I've had a couple of naps and converted everything that can be. Here's a sample.
= = = = = =
One day, this will get to be important. Take my word for it. Anyhow, it's christmas in june '93 and R'zan is over w/ Honey's invitation for the first time in a long time.. since before Christmas for sure.. and she's looking smaller than ever. that's the dangerous part, that I even looked.. and I'm loading up on whisky and all of a sudden, the op to recover a large part of the absent T hole looms nearly near. Funny how shit like that worx out. I couldn't begin to sort out how any of this shit matters or ranx in imagined importance ttcdto Tonight's The Night. One thing for sure, tho'.. it's kind of a fuckin' shame that I got this drunk before I started jammin'. Or maybe that's the only way it could have been. All I know for sure.. I do seem to be on a for sure kick.. All I know is it's Madonna in the headphones and I was trying to say that I've got a large buzz underway and it feels good to be here and I think it's been quite a while since I have been.. back here and jammin'. And considering that Baby's out there and I'm feeling mainly loose, I'd say that this is AN historic occasion. Maybe we'll see some evidence of history being made sometime shortly. Or, maybe not. Oh, like it matters, the Madtune is Papa Don't Preach. And the shifty's to Love&.. And I must say that Giggles has been pointed at. I mean to say that fun's fun and it does get much wilder and even in my own lifetime and vision it happens over &.. well I must say the most wremarkable thing about the whole ordeal wremains that I can FIND the keyboard, and to be able to nearly find my way around the k'board, well I think you all shoulc be as impressed as I am. And then there's the whiskey. And the tail. And the imagined approved flashed ass.. I don't b'lieve stranger things HAVE happened.. and I don't b'lieve they're fixin' to. Hey. Give n take, write. So ultimately, I went back to watch the gals for a while and nobody was fixin' to give anything up so I loaded up the cup for another overflow round and came back here. Like it matters to someone but me.. butt.. me.. yeah, I thought I made it entirely too clear that I'd like to see that butt.. and see how it fits in my hand.. Giggle on.. so for wreasons of her own, Baby's doing the Mad remote shift and so I must admit to a bit of improvisational lickin'.. in purely imaginary creases..I nearly got my eyes lost on strainin for the wide peak. Oh, I shudder to think what all the referential background is for that line.. and I'm thankful that I don't have to sort it out.. lost and peak I guess carry all the meaning load.. wide too 'cause .. and I did get .. write what.. write about it.. man I can't even think about it.. yeah, trippin' hard on R'zan being around and just dedicated to trippin.. gettin' all frantic about everyone's motivation in the first and each subsequent place.
And frantic s'more when the gals sneak out for a couple of hours ..
and then watchin' like I can't when they get back.. it's so weird.. and what if there was some bullshit wrecip.. I have sincerely snagged a ness here.. feelin' dedicated to describing what I must not see.. figurin' that the imagined you can figure it out and hoping you can't..
the code. Yeah, and now I'm thinking comp and other wild improbable shit. I keep feeling I could nearly get untracked and I smack the fence and fall write into space.. y'know what I mean.. I mean I want to write but I'm afraid to.. like it does matter and if I say Giggles is, then truer words have not been writ. And I can't stand the heat, even if it's the imaginary warmth of steamy muff.. please understand that I would like each of you to feel the actuality that isn't and never was but I don't want you to think I did it w/ wishcraft.. but of course I understand that I put that notion in motion too.. and it's crafty all write.. it's the pen-disclaimer..
------- ----------
hesed > figurin' that the imagined you can figure it out and hoping you can't <
How classic is that? So.. lessee, June '93.. Jen and I have been together for ten years, she's barely pregnant w/the perfect child, I'm working @ the Center.. my SoC styling, the stream, looks almost like it does fifteen years later.
Yet s'more sampling, 'cause it's handy and easy..
\/ \/ \/
Yes, friends, it's more of the same; going down the Stream of Consciousness again. Exploring the mysteries of Ken. Without the aid (or hindrance) of "herbal inspiration." So what's on my mind this AM ? That reminds me that i "ought" to get the timeset in: it's 3/23/83 @ 2:10, AM. I've done a little minor straightening up in the room. I'm sure that counts for something.
I'm sitting here listening to a year-old radio tape. I'm entirely too mellow. I must keep that in mind and " pick it up."
As in, be more aware of how SLOW i talk, after all, it IS AM radio and AM jox talk fast. Good ole "Ken Kasual." I know that dude; he's good. This is NO good; i can't get untracked. I've been sitting here for five minutes. I'll take a break and look around for something to inspire me.
I'm back, that's clear enough. It's ten 'til four, AM. An all-nighter in the making. Making for a long day culminating in my radio show this evening. Something to look forward to, i'm sure. I can't say that i'm any more inspired that i was before the break, mainly more bored and this machine is my chief form of entertainment.
- - -
I decided to move the margins, y'see, to account for the drift of the roll on the carriage. No biggie. With any luck at all, in an hour or so, i'll get into the shower. That's my short-term goal... to get into the shower. Also, i'd like to get to the bottom of of this roll and start something
"substantial."
Whatever that means. Where did i get the idea that i'm gonna live forever. It's really getting in the way, now. I think it's the main barrier between me and "discipline." But i could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. Deep down inside, in a vain way, i feel like i was born for greatness. I still like to thing that someday, i can organize this mindless rambling into a cohesive statement. But what is that statement? Some kind of "Why Me," kind of tale, i guess. Only time will tell, and as i say, i feel like i have plenty of time. All the time in the world. No REAL deadline. Catch my drift, o anonymous reader? The audience question... Who am i writing this for? For me, at this stage of the game, my readers are still within physical reach. Do you have any questions? Speak up, i'm right here. Doubtlessly, in the same room with any reader that might have been invited to peruse this manuscript. Now why would i invite someone to read this?
To collect a little praise, of course. That's my style. Ttto Beast Of Burden, the Stones, y'know. I wonder what the connection is... only time will tell, again. You DO realize, dear reader, that ttto stands for "to the tune of" and refers to the tunes on the stereo as i sit and type... Well, you do now, i trust. I mean, why would i lie about something like that? Trust me, i wouldn't. Why is the tune important? It may not be; it's just something inoticed, i say i noticed, going on around me and it got committed to paper. That's my style, too.
Like the timeset, 4:01, AM; it seemed important at the time i was sitting here rapping on the keyboard. That doesn't mean it IS important. I mean, what is MEANING?
Just playing thaos,, um, those mind games as J. Lennon said. Well i'm moving on down the roll at a brisk clip. I like that. It's the sort of thing that keeps me at this gig. Progress, real and/or imagined. Down the roll and into the tube. Is this any way to live? Well, it's not uncomfortable. In fact, as i've said, it's kind of a thrill for me just to cover up the paper with my own words. Vanity... i did this and much more, very much like it. It's not great- but i like to think it has it's "moments." It's not what you call a living; it's a pass-time.
Lieke.. huh? I was going t= go.. i was going for the timeset..4:08, AM. Just to show that time still goes on. As if someone out there might forget. I mean, in spite of the recurring timeset, this stuff is, in a sense, timeless. It's always more or less irrelevant. I want a Pulitzer Prize. Is that so much to ask? A little prestigious recognition. This might be the best time for me to take another break; this time (4:13) to take a shower. But maybe not. I'm pretty flexible in these matters. I think what i'll do is "freshen up" my dip and then come back and try to psyche myself into quitting this noxious habit, once and for all. But mostly for me, just to show that i can. Yes, i MUST quit dipping. It's nasty and unsatisfying.
Unsatisfying unless i need a fix. Then it does satisfy that
fleeting need.
= = = = = = = =
YUP, another sample, from a decade earlier, in case I needed support for my posit that the more things change, the more they stay the same. That bit was writ, um, I'd guess about a month before I started hanging out w/Jen annabout a year plus two weeks before we wed on 4-7-84.
Once more, w/feeling.. Sun 2-01-09 @2AM. I'm pretty sure it's Feb, now. The Ambien's in. I managed to get thru' Sat w/a couple of naps and no cooking or schoolstuff accomplished. That oughta make for some interesting and tense daylight hours. Something to look forward to, I'm sure. Oh, I started another file, smutty bits clipped from the conversions. Me and the machine, what a team. I'll try to make a point of getting the relative this file shipped to the slashettes Mon. I woulda liked to get the the first chunk posted to my Gooblog, but that aint going to happen. The blog can't be reached from the school and.. okay, I s'pose it's POSSIBLE to move the piece from the j'drive to the blog thru' Jen's machine. It's a LOT more likely that I'd send it to txmichele thru' the email. Let's burn that bridge when we come to it. I'm headed for the mask, y'all. Watch for me and keep my spot warm, eh?
I pulled in some more "samples" while I was finishing up the conversions Sun, and that or they will probably be the reason I don't get this chunk mailed to the slashettes. I think I want to do some commentary about why the bits were picked and I know they need some brushing before they're presentable. I think tho' that the reason for bringing BOTH of 'em in.. there two bits, probably writ w/in a year or so of each other(possibly days or hours) AND they show... lessay "elements" that show up in my RaT tale. Of course, the discourse is deeply coded; s'more of that "maybe you unnerstan but I kinda hope you don't" stuff. But y'only hafta ask.
Man, it's Thursday, the very last day of Feb 91. I'm struggling to
keep the medication ahead of a toothache and hiding out in the office while the in laws shuffle around in the morning haze/ I really need John to come by ASAP and help out with the medicinal angle/ oh well/ an interesting thing was set up and knocked down yesterday - I'm not at all sure that I can say enough about it with out getting into some dreadful truth/ but alas I bet no sense can be made without considerable wreal explanation/ so this may not get told/ well it's so weird/ I think I said troubling once before/ yeah that fits too/ but look at it this way if I manage to get it down then I'll have a powerful base to work from/ a place to stand while I move the world as it were/ Ok, the thing is this um/ star quality/ yeah I had one of the dark files open to a section where that phrase was dropped in/ and also the phrase questionable tension/ yeah and these two are connected with the boy/boy stuff/ homosexuals?/ hey not so loud/ you carved it in stone and act like you're worried about the word getting out/ ok look, see this is how I get seriously flipped out/ and the ho ho line/ there's actually quite a bit of it/ so we've got some uh/ smutty tales where a dick goes into a guy's face/ I can't believe it - how did this happen?/ well see, I'm convinced that this is a by product of having seen that kind of stuff at the palace/ so in a situation a tad reminiscent of the scene where um H1 and T2 are doing the highlights on the um viewer um/ well it does sound like a good one/ well, it's one of those synchro things that gets set up to test the bounds of the paradigm/ I guess/ and likewise this dance I'm doing now/ well this is tough - you\I\we never wreally know who will see this/ look it's almost for certain no one will ever see this without an invitation/ ok, so John was back here and I had the pair of phrases in question on the screen and he asked about questionable tension/ and I couldn't explain it then but the words were there/ and/ well the explanation wasn't on the screen actually but I had the definite impulse to put them there/ and so John's question went unanswered/ maybe I wanted him to ask instead about the star quality/ that would be easier to deal with?/ well no/ go ahead and put the terrible phrase down and see if you can leave it in/ whip it out?/ yeah something along those lines/
I was about to reintroduce the question about questionable tension/ y'see it wrelates to letting a particular interested party into the WIS file and the motive for doing so/ hence questionable/ and the tense part is a ref to expectations/ expected reaction/ yeah that too/ y'see um it's an expansion sort of on the viewer thing/ with the drift towards viewing the expansion/ I can live with that ref/ I'm a curious fellow/ that's a bit of understatement/ so how to precipitate the anticipated action/ yeah but why/ use the curious umbrella/ fine/ so the deal is that the point of putting the WIS on display is to get that something else on display/ and then what/ well as Ted Kennedy sed we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it/ but the expected exposure/ the anticipated action/ might lead to the unspeakable/ and of course that possibility is at the root/ so to speak/ of the questionable tension/ I need to take another couple of asprins to stay ahead of the toothache/ and so during the desperate distraction I went for the set up again at the WIS/ well it was so close anyway to the situation outline of a scene somewhere else with the file going by a couple of bits carrying lines um/ the line/ yeah that one too/ go ahead and input it and see how long it lasts/ um I'd suck that one/ there/ well it's been said before/ and do you suppose that line would prompt the hoped for exposure?/ well yeah I do/ I'm not so sure and I'd bet anyway that you'd have to repeat it to get any response at all/ and since there's little or no chance that the line will be sprung anyway the whole trip is pretty much moot/ but it still makes for an interesting tale/ but who would I ever want to read it?/ hmmm
move the laundry to the drier/
You only hafta ASK.. it was s'posed to be my exit line. I let tenpm get by, the Ambien's in; I still need to move the file onto the floppy and get it to the school w/me so it can go out Mon. I still won't be able to post the first bit to the Gooblog tho', 'cause that whole category of sites (including LJ) is blocked. So, I thought I'd let the sleep aid start percolating before I headed bedward. maybe I'll switch media, even tho' I rilly like the new old k'board, the slower pace of the pen prob'ly IS more conducive to the result I want.. sleep.
Monpm.. getting a fourth hit of chill going ahead of the chemical fade. Doncha love the mania? well, yeah, actually I do. And I love the new old k'board. I prob'ly ought to set up a couple of frames if I'm going to keep fucking around in this hole, and it looks like I will be, for a while. THIS isn't even the hole I want to be playing in. Heh. Woddimean is, I started a file of germinal smut. Well, nearly all the bit I clipped into the "creep" file are little streamed snippets that run a dozen or so lines, barely suggesting somethinglike a story.. but it's sixteen or seventeen pages deep. I s'pose big chunks of that is the fab Monster tale and the maybe legendary Couple of Beasts. Oh yeah, there's also a nearly lengthy thing I called Brad and Nancy. Wooo. I'm going to suppose that I'll wind up putting the malignant seven in that spot, too. There's a simple and nearly embarrassing reason for making that collection and storing it on this machine.. I miss the smurf. Of course, it would be exceedingly bad form to be "caught" playing in that, um, field. The display on this machine is HUGE. I've moved the font size down to 8pt but, I'm sure if Jen walked up behind me, she'd be able to read the whole screen in a second. When I was running the 10pt font, I had set the zoom @ 80% and it still looked huge. There's probably no net gain, moving down to 8pt since then I had to move the zoom back to 100. I'm gettin more characters to the line tho', annikinda like that. I'm still earning how to get shit like line length right. I always use defaults but they seem to be.. not where i'd want 'em most of the time. It's the malicious interface.. Word. I've got to get to bed it's a quarter 'til elevenpm. I got s'more of the untend taken care of but it's still going to be a day and the way I handle t'morrow will likely have a tremendous effect on how the rest of the week goes. Say good night, Ken.
= = = = = = = = = =
I'm going to go get under the mask and ibetcha I can slip thru' the gates of slumberland w/in ten or fifteen min. If not, I'll prob'ly be back in the relative here clutching a pen for a while. The pen stuff is usually more "soothing" than typing; I figure it has something to do w/the slower and more "controlled" rate of composition. It's JUST a theory.
SatAM annibetcha whatever "this" is will get dropped into the em journal when I have an op to do the drop. Psycho stuff first.. since it was so nearly successful yesterday, I expect to be eating li'l chips of chill pill like M&Ms today. the first quarter's now @930AM. I've been up for over an hour, mainly in converse w/the perfect child. we talk music where we really have no common ground except that we both like it a lot and like talking about it. I started waking around 330AM, that's sorta to be expected after the sleep aid @ ten or elevenpm whenever it was that it went in. I did go back to bed and started waking again around sixAM.. that's a guess, of course, since I can't read the clock from the bed w/out my glasses. and then it was a string of prob'ly twenty or forty min snatches lotsa vivid dreams about school and rotten testy situations. Okay, I could start ranting about the malicious interface @ any moment. There are things about this older version of Word that i'm starting NOT to like and not to like in BIG ways.. to begin w/I've had to save the doc as a Word piece, 'cause I'm getting some undesirable results in the txt format. I guess I can stand that for a while, if I can get the page stable and looking the way I expect it to. Oh, here's a note I need to get in. txmichele77 I did manage to go over to the G blog this AM using Jen's machine, and the audience of one has not left a comment on my rclatest post. I wanted to send her a note thru' her email and let her know that I my home machine had died. Well.. stuff. You know how vain Ken is going to scramble to try to keep a possible reader stringin' along. So, I was headed into a bitch about the way the dream thing got truly annoying and after five or six trips thru' that portal I was past ready to get out of bed.. plus I was starting to feel that "feeling" that I COULD nearly easily stay in bed all day and I regard that as a very bad sign. Also in the very bad sign dept., the fact that I had to type that last line twice, having lost it when I closed the doc. I'm going to spend ALL my time w/this machine learning how to use it again and then replace the motherfucker! I've forgotten how easily shit gets lost. I reckon iota start backing up everything.. heh, everything, that's one doc. Sigh, grumble grumble. This could get to be not a lot of fun in a hurry. AND w/out the smurf the distractive fun part is gone. Oh well, I reckon we'll survive. Let's see how this worx out.. I've started the save to the machine's drive, instead of the li'l disk. I think, but I'm not completely sure, that the save to the hard drive is a second or two quicker.. yeah, but I kinda still need to get into the habit of hitting ctrl S every time I let my hands rest for more than a second or so. AND I'll want to save it to the portable disk so I can take it school Mon and move this stuff onto the j'drive. This is sooo complicated. It shouldn't be, imean the task itself is easy enough.. familiar, and all that, but there are lotsa li'l dingy things that hafta go along w/the task to keep it going. That's the way it has to be for a while. and very probably, after I get a new machine, which I DO see as kind of inevitable, I'll have to learn a whole new set of protocols. Ah change. yeah, I checked, it takes less than a second to do the save to the em drive and fifteen or twenty to save the piece to the portable disk. I'm gonna guess its slow because of the overwriting; when I was doing the occasionally casual save to the floppy, it only took three or four seconds. Still, that's sorta the way it has to be. I'll do the casual save to the em drive and back it up to the floppy, um, occasionally. 1030AM. I reckon it's about time to be thinking about getting showered and having a day. 1140AM, showered, fed, fresh coffee and Cope. Jen's still bedded but not for long.. her phone rang and it's kinda past socalled time for her to be getting up. I don't think i've mentioned that I really like the new old k'board. it's.. got a weird familiarity. this is the one I used when I did all my learning to stream stuff in San mar and it FEELS like.. well I guess it feels like an old friend. It seems to me that when I do get a min or few to sit, that the stream runs more freely than it has in ages. Prob'ly not really that way, but it seems that way anyhoos. Maybe it's because I can't go anywhere w/this machine except into the text and, for a while that's only the relative THIS text. And for all the bitchin' I've done, I really do like the machine, too. 386.. that prob'ly doesn't mean anything to most of y'all. @ the time Jeff built it, that was the top of the line, fastest processor chip on the market. Windows for Workgroups v3, Word v6..OLD stuff and it doesn't crash. Prety much the only time i've lost data was from shuffling disks and not saving properly. Mostly. There was an occasion when Jen went in and trashed all my files. THAT kinda sucked. In the grand scheme of things tho', i've probably misplaced @ least as much data as i've lost.. case in point, two boxes of 5" disks w/abuncha DisplayWrite files on 'em.. complete mystery as to their whereabouts. oh well, them's the breaks, eh. So here sits Ken doing the idle spew and it feels better than it has .. for a long time. I'm givin' credit to the k'board. Maybe I can talk my'elf into doing some school stuff in a while. I've been outside crushing cans and I'm going back out to check fluids on the cars.. maybe pull a weed. It would not be unreasonable to say I'm hiding from Jen.. but I'll never admit it. Okey dokey, I found the boxes of dw3 files and done a couple of conversions to make sure I know how.. I do. The trick now is figuring out how to get a reading on how much space is left on the little (3") disks I'm putting the converted files on. The control panel on the desktop is no use @ all and I haven't even found something like My Computer which would easily show properties, such as space avail, anywhere in the options. Oh well, I think there's a place in dw3 that'll tell me how much space is left on a disk. I reckon that's the next thing to check. Hmm, that seemed to work out well. I found a few disks that have been corrupted somehow and can't be opened. One in particular is a tragic loss, it's transcriptions of the early nery stuff. Anyhow.. so it'll be a project, converting and moving the files. DisplayWrite has a utility that converts the files, or portion if you so choose, to plain text. Actually, it creates a plain text version, the source file is still there in dw3. I've converted most of these files before, I think.. but it's a fun thing to do and i've got plenty of room for multiple versions so that's no biggie.
By elevenpm I've had a couple of naps and converted everything that can be. Here's a sample.
= = = = = =
One day, this will get to be important. Take my word for it. Anyhow, it's christmas in june '93 and R'zan is over w/ Honey's invitation for the first time in a long time.. since before Christmas for sure.. and she's looking smaller than ever. that's the dangerous part, that I even looked.. and I'm loading up on whisky and all of a sudden, the op to recover a large part of the absent T hole looms nearly near. Funny how shit like that worx out. I couldn't begin to sort out how any of this shit matters or ranx in imagined importance ttcdto Tonight's The Night. One thing for sure, tho'.. it's kind of a fuckin' shame that I got this drunk before I started jammin'. Or maybe that's the only way it could have been. All I know for sure.. I do seem to be on a for sure kick.. All I know is it's Madonna in the headphones and I was trying to say that I've got a large buzz underway and it feels good to be here and I think it's been quite a while since I have been.. back here and jammin'. And considering that Baby's out there and I'm feeling mainly loose, I'd say that this is AN historic occasion. Maybe we'll see some evidence of history being made sometime shortly. Or, maybe not. Oh, like it matters, the Madtune is Papa Don't Preach. And the shifty's to Love&.. And I must say that Giggles has been pointed at. I mean to say that fun's fun and it does get much wilder and even in my own lifetime and vision it happens over &.. well I must say the most wremarkable thing about the whole ordeal wremains that I can FIND the keyboard, and to be able to nearly find my way around the k'board, well I think you all shoulc be as impressed as I am. And then there's the whiskey. And the tail. And the imagined approved flashed ass.. I don't b'lieve stranger things HAVE happened.. and I don't b'lieve they're fixin' to. Hey. Give n take, write. So ultimately, I went back to watch the gals for a while and nobody was fixin' to give anything up so I loaded up the cup for another overflow round and came back here. Like it matters to someone but me.. butt.. me.. yeah, I thought I made it entirely too clear that I'd like to see that butt.. and see how it fits in my hand.. Giggle on.. so for wreasons of her own, Baby's doing the Mad remote shift and so I must admit to a bit of improvisational lickin'.. in purely imaginary creases..I nearly got my eyes lost on strainin for the wide peak. Oh, I shudder to think what all the referential background is for that line.. and I'm thankful that I don't have to sort it out.. lost and peak I guess carry all the meaning load.. wide too 'cause .. and I did get .. write what.. write about it.. man I can't even think about it.. yeah, trippin' hard on R'zan being around and just dedicated to trippin.. gettin' all frantic about everyone's motivation in the first and each subsequent place.
And frantic s'more when the gals sneak out for a couple of hours ..
and then watchin' like I can't when they get back.. it's so weird.. and what if there was some bullshit wrecip.. I have sincerely snagged a ness here.. feelin' dedicated to describing what I must not see.. figurin' that the imagined you can figure it out and hoping you can't..
the code. Yeah, and now I'm thinking comp and other wild improbable shit. I keep feeling I could nearly get untracked and I smack the fence and fall write into space.. y'know what I mean.. I mean I want to write but I'm afraid to.. like it does matter and if I say Giggles is, then truer words have not been writ. And I can't stand the heat, even if it's the imaginary warmth of steamy muff.. please understand that I would like each of you to feel the actuality that isn't and never was but I don't want you to think I did it w/ wishcraft.. but of course I understand that I put that notion in motion too.. and it's crafty all write.. it's the pen-disclaimer..
------- ----------
hesed > figurin' that the imagined you can figure it out and hoping you can't <
How classic is that? So.. lessee, June '93.. Jen and I have been together for ten years, she's barely pregnant w/the perfect child, I'm working @ the Center.. my SoC styling, the stream, looks almost like it does fifteen years later.
Yet s'more sampling, 'cause it's handy and easy..
\/ \/ \/
Yes, friends, it's more of the same; going down the Stream of Consciousness again. Exploring the mysteries of Ken. Without the aid (or hindrance) of "herbal inspiration." So what's on my mind this AM ? That reminds me that i "ought" to get the timeset in: it's 3/23/83 @ 2:10, AM. I've done a little minor straightening up in the room. I'm sure that counts for something.
I'm sitting here listening to a year-old radio tape. I'm entirely too mellow. I must keep that in mind and " pick it up."
As in, be more aware of how SLOW i talk, after all, it IS AM radio and AM jox talk fast. Good ole "Ken Kasual." I know that dude; he's good. This is NO good; i can't get untracked. I've been sitting here for five minutes. I'll take a break and look around for something to inspire me.
I'm back, that's clear enough. It's ten 'til four, AM. An all-nighter in the making. Making for a long day culminating in my radio show this evening. Something to look forward to, i'm sure. I can't say that i'm any more inspired that i was before the break, mainly more bored and this machine is my chief form of entertainment.
- - -
I decided to move the margins, y'see, to account for the drift of the roll on the carriage. No biggie. With any luck at all, in an hour or so, i'll get into the shower. That's my short-term goal... to get into the shower. Also, i'd like to get to the bottom of of this roll and start something
"substantial."
Whatever that means. Where did i get the idea that i'm gonna live forever. It's really getting in the way, now. I think it's the main barrier between me and "discipline." But i could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. Deep down inside, in a vain way, i feel like i was born for greatness. I still like to thing that someday, i can organize this mindless rambling into a cohesive statement. But what is that statement? Some kind of "Why Me," kind of tale, i guess. Only time will tell, and as i say, i feel like i have plenty of time. All the time in the world. No REAL deadline. Catch my drift, o anonymous reader? The audience question... Who am i writing this for? For me, at this stage of the game, my readers are still within physical reach. Do you have any questions? Speak up, i'm right here. Doubtlessly, in the same room with any reader that might have been invited to peruse this manuscript. Now why would i invite someone to read this?
To collect a little praise, of course. That's my style. Ttto Beast Of Burden, the Stones, y'know. I wonder what the connection is... only time will tell, again. You DO realize, dear reader, that ttto stands for "to the tune of" and refers to the tunes on the stereo as i sit and type... Well, you do now, i trust. I mean, why would i lie about something like that? Trust me, i wouldn't. Why is the tune important? It may not be; it's just something inoticed, i say i noticed, going on around me and it got committed to paper. That's my style, too.
Like the timeset, 4:01, AM; it seemed important at the time i was sitting here rapping on the keyboard. That doesn't mean it IS important. I mean, what is MEANING?
Just playing thaos,, um, those mind games as J. Lennon said. Well i'm moving on down the roll at a brisk clip. I like that. It's the sort of thing that keeps me at this gig. Progress, real and/or imagined. Down the roll and into the tube. Is this any way to live? Well, it's not uncomfortable. In fact, as i've said, it's kind of a thrill for me just to cover up the paper with my own words. Vanity... i did this and much more, very much like it. It's not great- but i like to think it has it's "moments." It's not what you call a living; it's a pass-time.
Lieke.. huh? I was going t= go.. i was going for the timeset..4:08, AM. Just to show that time still goes on. As if someone out there might forget. I mean, in spite of the recurring timeset, this stuff is, in a sense, timeless. It's always more or less irrelevant. I want a Pulitzer Prize. Is that so much to ask? A little prestigious recognition. This might be the best time for me to take another break; this time (4:13) to take a shower. But maybe not. I'm pretty flexible in these matters. I think what i'll do is "freshen up" my dip and then come back and try to psyche myself into quitting this noxious habit, once and for all. But mostly for me, just to show that i can. Yes, i MUST quit dipping. It's nasty and unsatisfying.
Unsatisfying unless i need a fix. Then it does satisfy that
fleeting need.
= = = = = = = =
YUP, another sample, from a decade earlier, in case I needed support for my posit that the more things change, the more they stay the same. That bit was writ, um, I'd guess about a month before I started hanging out w/Jen annabout a year plus two weeks before we wed on 4-7-84.
Once more, w/feeling.. Sun 2-01-09 @2AM. I'm pretty sure it's Feb, now. The Ambien's in. I managed to get thru' Sat w/a couple of naps and no cooking or schoolstuff accomplished. That oughta make for some interesting and tense daylight hours. Something to look forward to, I'm sure. Oh, I started another file, smutty bits clipped from the conversions. Me and the machine, what a team. I'll try to make a point of getting the relative this file shipped to the slashettes Mon. I woulda liked to get the the first chunk posted to my Gooblog, but that aint going to happen. The blog can't be reached from the school and.. okay, I s'pose it's POSSIBLE to move the piece from the j'drive to the blog thru' Jen's machine. It's a LOT more likely that I'd send it to txmichele thru' the email. Let's burn that bridge when we come to it. I'm headed for the mask, y'all. Watch for me and keep my spot warm, eh?
I pulled in some more "samples" while I was finishing up the conversions Sun, and that or they will probably be the reason I don't get this chunk mailed to the slashettes. I think I want to do some commentary about why the bits were picked and I know they need some brushing before they're presentable. I think tho' that the reason for bringing BOTH of 'em in.. there two bits, probably writ w/in a year or so of each other(possibly days or hours) AND they show... lessay "elements" that show up in my RaT tale. Of course, the discourse is deeply coded; s'more of that "maybe you unnerstan but I kinda hope you don't" stuff. But y'only hafta ask.
Man, it's Thursday, the very last day of Feb 91. I'm struggling to
keep the medication ahead of a toothache and hiding out in the office while the in laws shuffle around in the morning haze/ I really need John to come by ASAP and help out with the medicinal angle/ oh well/ an interesting thing was set up and knocked down yesterday - I'm not at all sure that I can say enough about it with out getting into some dreadful truth/ but alas I bet no sense can be made without considerable wreal explanation/ so this may not get told/ well it's so weird/ I think I said troubling once before/ yeah that fits too/ but look at it this way if I manage to get it down then I'll have a powerful base to work from/ a place to stand while I move the world as it were/ Ok, the thing is this um/ star quality/ yeah I had one of the dark files open to a section where that phrase was dropped in/ and also the phrase questionable tension/ yeah and these two are connected with the boy/boy stuff/ homosexuals?/ hey not so loud/ you carved it in stone and act like you're worried about the word getting out/ ok look, see this is how I get seriously flipped out/ and the ho ho line/ there's actually quite a bit of it/ so we've got some uh/ smutty tales where a dick goes into a guy's face/ I can't believe it - how did this happen?/ well see, I'm convinced that this is a by product of having seen that kind of stuff at the palace/ so in a situation a tad reminiscent of the scene where um H1 and T2 are doing the highlights on the um viewer um/ well it does sound like a good one/ well, it's one of those synchro things that gets set up to test the bounds of the paradigm/ I guess/ and likewise this dance I'm doing now/ well this is tough - you\I\we never wreally know who will see this/ look it's almost for certain no one will ever see this without an invitation/ ok, so John was back here and I had the pair of phrases in question on the screen and he asked about questionable tension/ and I couldn't explain it then but the words were there/ and/ well the explanation wasn't on the screen actually but I had the definite impulse to put them there/ and so John's question went unanswered/ maybe I wanted him to ask instead about the star quality/ that would be easier to deal with?/ well no/ go ahead and put the terrible phrase down and see if you can leave it in/ whip it out?/ yeah something along those lines/
I was about to reintroduce the question about questionable tension/ y'see it wrelates to letting a particular interested party into the WIS file and the motive for doing so/ hence questionable/ and the tense part is a ref to expectations/ expected reaction/ yeah that too/ y'see um it's an expansion sort of on the viewer thing/ with the drift towards viewing the expansion/ I can live with that ref/ I'm a curious fellow/ that's a bit of understatement/ so how to precipitate the anticipated action/ yeah but why/ use the curious umbrella/ fine/ so the deal is that the point of putting the WIS on display is to get that something else on display/ and then what/ well as Ted Kennedy sed we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it/ but the expected exposure/ the anticipated action/ might lead to the unspeakable/ and of course that possibility is at the root/ so to speak/ of the questionable tension/ I need to take another couple of asprins to stay ahead of the toothache/ and so during the desperate distraction I went for the set up again at the WIS/ well it was so close anyway to the situation outline of a scene somewhere else with the file going by a couple of bits carrying lines um/ the line/ yeah that one too/ go ahead and input it and see how long it lasts/ um I'd suck that one/ there/ well it's been said before/ and do you suppose that line would prompt the hoped for exposure?/ well yeah I do/ I'm not so sure and I'd bet anyway that you'd have to repeat it to get any response at all/ and since there's little or no chance that the line will be sprung anyway the whole trip is pretty much moot/ but it still makes for an interesting tale/ but who would I ever want to read it?/ hmmm
move the laundry to the drier/
You only hafta ASK.. it was s'posed to be my exit line. I let tenpm get by, the Ambien's in; I still need to move the file onto the floppy and get it to the school w/me so it can go out Mon. I still won't be able to post the first bit to the Gooblog tho', 'cause that whole category of sites (including LJ) is blocked. So, I thought I'd let the sleep aid start percolating before I headed bedward. maybe I'll switch media, even tho' I rilly like the new old k'board, the slower pace of the pen prob'ly IS more conducive to the result I want.. sleep.
Monpm.. getting a fourth hit of chill going ahead of the chemical fade. Doncha love the mania? well, yeah, actually I do. And I love the new old k'board. I prob'ly ought to set up a couple of frames if I'm going to keep fucking around in this hole, and it looks like I will be, for a while. THIS isn't even the hole I want to be playing in. Heh. Woddimean is, I started a file of germinal smut. Well, nearly all the bit I clipped into the "creep" file are little streamed snippets that run a dozen or so lines, barely suggesting somethinglike a story.. but it's sixteen or seventeen pages deep. I s'pose big chunks of that is the fab Monster tale and the maybe legendary Couple of Beasts. Oh yeah, there's also a nearly lengthy thing I called Brad and Nancy. Wooo. I'm going to suppose that I'll wind up putting the malignant seven in that spot, too. There's a simple and nearly embarrassing reason for making that collection and storing it on this machine.. I miss the smurf. Of course, it would be exceedingly bad form to be "caught" playing in that, um, field. The display on this machine is HUGE. I've moved the font size down to 8pt but, I'm sure if Jen walked up behind me, she'd be able to read the whole screen in a second. When I was running the 10pt font, I had set the zoom @ 80% and it still looked huge. There's probably no net gain, moving down to 8pt since then I had to move the zoom back to 100. I'm gettin more characters to the line tho', annikinda like that. I'm still earning how to get shit like line length right. I always use defaults but they seem to be.. not where i'd want 'em most of the time. It's the malicious interface.. Word. I've got to get to bed it's a quarter 'til elevenpm. I got s'more of the untend taken care of but it's still going to be a day and the way I handle t'morrow will likely have a tremendous effect on how the rest of the week goes. Say good night, Ken.
read your Ken..
I will almost certainly make it to bed.. reltively shortly. I dont want to be sacked out much past 8AM. It's rc 1130pm. 3-16-09. the spewage filling the box is nearly fresh..relatively recent.. imean, if you compare it to the stuff I've been putting up over @ A Muse, it's crisply fresh..
I'm goin' to shut the g'spot and I'll be write back. Okay, not WRITE back, nothing moves nearly quickly enough, especially since I already loaded the sleep aid. There's a note from txmic and I didn't see the.. tag.. 'til I was already committed to minimizing the box. I'll ease back over to the relative there and see what's up, THEN close it. I'm trying to draw Michele into the odd ness, I want to hear some of her stories. I definitely need a larger sample of psychopaths than I see in Carter, Stephen and my'elf, that was completely uncalled for, and yet, there it is on the screen, the drugs are in, how long to you want to try to pretend that something that maybe could be cobbled for recognition will go on? As for me, I'm merely letting the linecount run up or down, depending on yer perspective, and figgering there'll be a mell of a hess to clean out .. whenever, yeah, it could get done by the socalled time that the 'grafs find their holes and the fence gets stood up.
Don't mock me w/my own voice. Ooh, Guns and Roses going slow.
Yeah, we've got some surprisingly fab tunes loaded in annit's SUCH a shame that no more, I'll bet until I figure out how to get the sick driver back on board. Um, need a quick executive decision.. shall we hit more spit on the way to the bedward stroll or not? I pick spit, Moving along, w/out reading or reading.
Hey, what's that about?
It's about moving forward.
I wanted to get topical.
Too bad, there's neither will nor socalled time. Heh, you're the master of neither.
I'm counting the yawns again; I can have you stumbling towards the bed in five or six min.
That sounds about write, it'll be oneAM.
Try to remember to hit the Advair, the mouthwash and maybe the cats' box on the way out.
I think I can handle that.
49pages. I wanted that on this line.
Done.
It looks like the Auspicious doc is about to bust 50 pages.
Dude, Auspi is bumpin’ on 64 pages. THIS one is oh nine.
Yay! And it looks like there's a butt load of cleaning to be done in the relative above dozen or so lines.
It's an occupational hazard. I think y'oughta stroll or scroll, ttto Old Man.. up around to p 12 and plot the next LJ post.
SunAM, I've got a load of cleaning to do in the relative this text. It might get done. I'm feeling.. like I'm stating a slide. Usually that doesn't last long. I expect that it's tied to knowing that the slashettes are probably going to come and go w/out me even exchanging notes w/them, much less getting a meet in. Deep down inside, I know it's better that way, but.. yeah, but.
So.. crap! MonAm @ 238AM, that's nearly unforgiveable. Oh well (there's one I'm getting plenty tired of), @ least the Ambien's in. I've got nine pages of oh nine ready to go up and be ignored @ the LJ. I s'pose that in some twisted way, that's something to look forward to. Anyhow.. I'll be bedward soon and, maybe back on the writing trail five six hours after that. The slashettes.. yeah, they came and went, passing astoundingly close to the window of opportunity which slammed shut JUST as I was thinkin' I'd wriggle thru'. Prob'ly for the best, eh. I almost can't believe it's still on my mind. Almost. AND, on that note, I'm switching back to the ink stream 'til I deem it's socalled time to get under the mask.
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there’s always the frame thing.
Yeah, I’ve got a clean one and a spare.
Let’s do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we’ll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it’ll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C’mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I’d like to think so, but it’s more like Lennon’s Watching the Wheels. I.. I’m fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I’m good. The dope’s kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I’m bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my “new” G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it’s the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in “bipolar funs” a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another “writer” in my own backyard. I can’t tell that she’s actually reading single line of
6) the stuff I’m posting, but it’s good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had “this affliction” and how long did it take to get “under control?”
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I’d spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin’ shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin’ down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses,
I was, as the pros say, "in crisis" and lemmetellya BUDDY, theree was no freakin' way I could have gone into my classroom in four weeks.. and yet.. Praise God and clever docs. Lordy had me "on track" almost immediately and followed w/a couple fo tweaks that made me function, um, w/much alleged normalcy.
I'm goin' to shut the g'spot and I'll be write back. Okay, not WRITE back, nothing moves nearly quickly enough, especially since I already loaded the sleep aid. There's a note from txmic and I didn't see the.. tag.. 'til I was already committed to minimizing the box. I'll ease back over to the relative there and see what's up, THEN close it. I'm trying to draw Michele into the odd ness, I want to hear some of her stories. I definitely need a larger sample of psychopaths than I see in Carter, Stephen and my'elf, that was completely uncalled for, and yet, there it is on the screen, the drugs are in, how long to you want to try to pretend that something that maybe could be cobbled for recognition will go on? As for me, I'm merely letting the linecount run up or down, depending on yer perspective, and figgering there'll be a mell of a hess to clean out .. whenever, yeah, it could get done by the socalled time that the 'grafs find their holes and the fence gets stood up.
Don't mock me w/my own voice. Ooh, Guns and Roses going slow.
Yeah, we've got some surprisingly fab tunes loaded in annit's SUCH a shame that no more, I'll bet until I figure out how to get the sick driver back on board. Um, need a quick executive decision.. shall we hit more spit on the way to the bedward stroll or not? I pick spit, Moving along, w/out reading or reading.
Hey, what's that about?
It's about moving forward.
I wanted to get topical.
Too bad, there's neither will nor socalled time. Heh, you're the master of neither.
I'm counting the yawns again; I can have you stumbling towards the bed in five or six min.
That sounds about write, it'll be oneAM.
Try to remember to hit the Advair, the mouthwash and maybe the cats' box on the way out.
I think I can handle that.
49pages. I wanted that on this line.
Done.
It looks like the Auspicious doc is about to bust 50 pages.
Dude, Auspi is bumpin’ on 64 pages. THIS one is oh nine.
Yay! And it looks like there's a butt load of cleaning to be done in the relative above dozen or so lines.
It's an occupational hazard. I think y'oughta stroll or scroll, ttto Old Man.. up around to p 12 and plot the next LJ post.
SunAM, I've got a load of cleaning to do in the relative this text. It might get done. I'm feeling.. like I'm stating a slide. Usually that doesn't last long. I expect that it's tied to knowing that the slashettes are probably going to come and go w/out me even exchanging notes w/them, much less getting a meet in. Deep down inside, I know it's better that way, but.. yeah, but.
So.. crap! MonAm @ 238AM, that's nearly unforgiveable. Oh well (there's one I'm getting plenty tired of), @ least the Ambien's in. I've got nine pages of oh nine ready to go up and be ignored @ the LJ. I s'pose that in some twisted way, that's something to look forward to. Anyhow.. I'll be bedward soon and, maybe back on the writing trail five six hours after that. The slashettes.. yeah, they came and went, passing astoundingly close to the window of opportunity which slammed shut JUST as I was thinkin' I'd wriggle thru'. Prob'ly for the best, eh. I almost can't believe it's still on my mind. Almost. AND, on that note, I'm switching back to the ink stream 'til I deem it's socalled time to get under the mask.
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there’s always the frame thing.
Yeah, I’ve got a clean one and a spare.
Let’s do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we’ll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it’ll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C’mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I’d like to think so, but it’s more like Lennon’s Watching the Wheels. I.. I’m fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I’m good. The dope’s kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I’m bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my “new” G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it’s the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in “bipolar funs” a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another “writer” in my own backyard. I can’t tell that she’s actually reading single line of
6) the stuff I’m posting, but it’s good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had “this affliction” and how long did it take to get “under control?”
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I’d spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin’ shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin’ down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses,
I was, as the pros say, "in crisis" and lemmetellya BUDDY, theree was no freakin' way I could have gone into my classroom in four weeks.. and yet.. Praise God and clever docs. Lordy had me "on track" almost immediately and followed w/a couple fo tweaks that made me function, um, w/much alleged normalcy.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
SPEWAGE
I'll come up w/a catchy title later. I've tried NOT to do much "live spew" into the posting boxes, it's..JUST not the way I do thing. Lessay the reason izzat I'd rather move the verbiage from my journal to the box than the other way around. I guess it really doesn't matter a whole lot. The issue is how deep I want run the string into this hole and.. well that's really about it. I could sit and let the manic fingers play for an hour or so, pretty easily. gimme another second or so to spark the MediaPlayer.. get some tunes going, y'know. Some ZZ Top, that li'l ole band from Texas.. yeah, that'll do. The MediaPlayer is a bit of a sore spot relative currently, the cd reader has kinda crashed, the device manager tells me the driver's been corrupted somehow in the past couple of days. I wouldn't mind so much but none of the touted "restore points" do any good for fixing it.. and I've had remarkably poor luck bringing a fix in from the i'net. Oh well, them's the breaks. AND, speaking of breaks.. it's Spring Break. I haven't done much for the bio, but I'll admit in this post that I'm a teacher in a public high school "deep in the 'hood." Oh, there's Bonnie Raitt! I love teaching.. I came to it rather late, I was nearly 40when I started but.. well, I'd spent 15 years getting my B.S.ed so that sorta precluded getting in much earlier. That, and I graduated w/out my teaching certificate; that took another, um, couple or three years. I made it in, tho', and it's a hoot. Sometime I'll try to run out some tales about the myriad of jobs I held and didn't before I got into the classroom.. radio, newspaper, oil patch, food service, gas stations, manufacturing.. yeah, there's a list, a long one, and I've never had a job I dreaded getting out to do! That's prob'ly not completely accurate, but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Hmm, what's this? Cheap Trick covering Magical Mystery Tour. There are two stories I want most to tell, they're sorta twined together in what I call the personal mythology: my albatross story and the before and after of my very public meltdown. Oooh, Private Eyes.. Hall and Oates. I prob'ly ought to stop that. I prob'ly won't, but I can see how it could be confusing and annoying to a new reader like txmichele, sorry babe, it comes w/the terrtory. the point of the stream is to let it flow. the tunes are much on my mind and that puts them on the screen. I'm going to look for a graceful exit as Pat Benatar coasts thru' w/a song I don't immediately recognize. The mentioned albatross story is the one I feel compelled to tell as it gives some understanding of why I'm crazy, how crazy I am, and how long I'd been crazy before the very public meltdown. The albatross story (it's a refernce to Sam Colerige's Rime of the Ancient Mariner) also provides some insight into the state of my marriage and how THAT came to be. Woohoo!Neil Young, my MAIN man, w/Thrasher. Neil gets supplanted by Clapton while I was doing the edit run thru' the sloppy text.. which reminds me to mention my other love, editing other folks texts. Wow, another tie to the albatross and..yeah, it's kind of a large deal. Hmm, I reckon I'm going to hafta move into one of MY files and craft an accounting of the bird tale (ooooh Eurthymics!). W/a li'l bitto somethinglike luck, txmich wil be pressing for somekinda explanation of SOME of this stuff. I certainly HOPE so. Well, this has been great fun but I'm slippin' out to stress mightily about the slashettes and the yawning maw of opportunity opening tomorrow when the girls head out for Beaumont.
peace and hope
-km-
peace and hope
-km-
Saturday, March 7, 2009
not really liking this much
Hang on, I'm going to get another cup of coffee, drain the pot.. and put a Dr Pepper in the freezer for haffan hour or so. And.. so .. not liking this so much hesed. Mostly I meant the Blogger experience, it's been HUGELY unsatisfying.. less so, even, than the LJ and for the same reason(s) to a greater extent. I want readers and I want feedback/commentary from said readers. The LJ sorta came w/a "built in" audience because I was graciously plugged into the small camp of slashettes and they'd generously comment, usually even tho' I never wrote any fics after my "inital public offering." Here.. well, there's txmi but she seems uninclined to comment.
That's NOT really a criticism, it's merely an observation. I write nearly endlessly, share, prob'ly, too much and when I do.. I'm looking for somekinda reaction.
And then there's the thing that's REALLY on my mind. The slashettes, some of them, are coming to my city next weekend. This is the sort of nondilemma which stresses me way much more than it should. I can't imagine NOT going to see them and I can't imagine how I could manage it and survive as a married man. My wife so strongly disapproves of my contacts and connection w/those wimmin that.. well I'd have to commit atrocious crimes against her trust and our covenant to make the meet w/the slashettes. Maybe we'll be out of town. We were the relative last time, um.. the singular she, the celebrated authoress was in the city, and tho' it preyed much and long on my feeble mind, there was absolutely no way to get to see.. her. And that made it.. lessay easier to bear. THIS time, tho'.. there's the opportunity to meet @ least one of the gals I've done so much work for and never met. The -real- mind fuck, tho', is the possiblity that ..she.. will fly in and OUT of IAH, a scant ten or twelve miles from my home. How easy could it be to ease down that road to chat her up before she departs forever again?
How freakin' crazy am I to consider such.. exigencies? One of the cornerstones of the personal paradigm izzat the FIRST time she left forever precipitated my "very public meltdown." What kinda mad, sad, fool would volunteer for that kind of pain.. again?
The hell of this this is my own realization that I -am- such a mad, sad, fool.. professing to love and cherish my wife but ready to make it a lie w/my actions.
-km-
That's NOT really a criticism, it's merely an observation. I write nearly endlessly, share, prob'ly, too much and when I do.. I'm looking for somekinda reaction.
And then there's the thing that's REALLY on my mind. The slashettes, some of them, are coming to my city next weekend. This is the sort of nondilemma which stresses me way much more than it should. I can't imagine NOT going to see them and I can't imagine how I could manage it and survive as a married man. My wife so strongly disapproves of my contacts and connection w/those wimmin that.. well I'd have to commit atrocious crimes against her trust and our covenant to make the meet w/the slashettes. Maybe we'll be out of town. We were the relative last time, um.. the singular she, the celebrated authoress was in the city, and tho' it preyed much and long on my feeble mind, there was absolutely no way to get to see.. her. And that made it.. lessay easier to bear. THIS time, tho'.. there's the opportunity to meet @ least one of the gals I've done so much work for and never met. The -real- mind fuck, tho', is the possiblity that ..she.. will fly in and OUT of IAH, a scant ten or twelve miles from my home. How easy could it be to ease down that road to chat her up before she departs forever again?
How freakin' crazy am I to consider such.. exigencies? One of the cornerstones of the personal paradigm izzat the FIRST time she left forever precipitated my "very public meltdown." What kinda mad, sad, fool would volunteer for that kind of pain.. again?
The hell of this this is my own realization that I -am- such a mad, sad, fool.. professing to love and cherish my wife but ready to make it a lie w/my actions.
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