I -still- like the LiveJournal better, mainly for the way the 'notifier' works; if I reply to a comment left here, the commentor (I think) has to come back to the post to see it and doesn't get notified that I've replied.. or maybe I'm doing it wrong. ANYHOW, if you come, leave a comment, please. If you'd like to start a dialogue, that's easily arranged. Oh, and it's 'intentional,' that the reader feels like they maybe shouldn't be seeing this. It -IS- very intimate and it is deep into a conversation that's been going on for years, maybe decades. There's a whole LOT more context for this discussion in the relative next (previous) four posts, if you're inclined to keep reading into the blog. And so to the post\/ \/ \/
Tuepm.. only eight, but feeling ever so much later. I finished w/Ariel's camp fic and sent it back weeping, then I chatted her up for afew min and now I can't stop weeping. I should try to find a way to talk about that.
You should.
I.. really, I want, I need to think this is merely the 'down' part of my cycle.
Maybe it is. Still..
What?
Get a chill chip (Lorazepam) in and go drain the potto.
You're inviting me to stall?
I'm inviting you to get collected.
I'd rather take the stall when you get the inquisition going.
You know I'm going to point out that the 'thing' w/MAT seems to be..
A downer?
No, we ALL know there's nothing but good times to remember.
Except for that ONE crushing incident.
She didn't leave you.
I know.
So what is that unbearable clench in your chest that comes so regularly when her nearness is missed?
I can't explain.
Give it a shot.
Really, I don't know. Maybe it's the completely awful feeling that I'll never see her.. hear her.. again. Maybe it's that I feel so unentitled to miss her that way, that much.
Unentitled.. prob'ly not a really word but I know what you mean, but not why you chose it.
It's that infatuation thing, it's like I let that 'thing' grow in my mind.. that thing that wanted.. more.
More.
More than I was invited, more than I was entitled to.. have. And the hell of it izzat I still want.. wonder, and it's no more..
No more.
Don't you get the infatuation thing? It's one-way.
Ease up, Ken.
The obsess, man, for whatever reason I let that fixation grow I wasn't able to let it go in the weeks before school ended and I haven't been able to let it go in the YEARS since.
It was a lot of fun, tho'.
Yeah , you don't have to remind me that I got lots of grins from flaunting the fascination. That's.. I guess that's the creepy thing; I'd cook crazy silly stuff from the sylphs to that fab stuff about the lipstick and I wanted her to tell me I was getting 'out of line' and she never did. Like the stain challenge, stuff.. and that was early, like that first summer while Greatest Good was being writ, the whole point was to make her say eww. I couldn't make her blink.
Overmatched.
Yeah, nice touch.
I know how you like to see your vocab come back.
In one sense, it was ..
Liberating?
Well, it gave me free rein to express the obsess to the object of my fascination and I suppose that was kind of liberating but it .. it was sucha thrill. Okay, I think here's what WAS.. it was like a dance, this is where that 'all about the work' bit got started, as long as the action,such as it was, stayed on the page, it was grand fun. And it DID stay on the page.
Except.
Yeah, there has to be an except, a but. Except I got..
I can say it, but I'd rather you put it on the line.
Except I got emotionally attached.
That's not the pretty line.
I got my heart engaged. And THAT brought, and still brings a lot of guilt.
I think,' tho', that we can agree that guilt is a waste of time and energy; you should, you NEED to forgive yourself.
But.
You can't, imean you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling.. for wanting that closeness.
Yeah, you make it seem so easy.. get over it.
That is not what I'm saying. I think, really, that it's nice that you feel so fondly of Martha; that's good solid friendshit. I would never want you to 'get over it.'
What ARE you saying?
Forgive yourself for getting attached, turn loose of the guilt.
How?
Start by saying the words.. I forgive myself for feeling guilty about having a good friend.
I forgive myself for having such a good friend.
Yeah, like that.
A good friend I lusted hard for.
Eh, that's REALLY small stuff, you do that all the time and..
I see your point. Damn, I've got really good buds to put up w/that kinda.. stuff.
You do, those people are blessings in your life.
I'm not sure exactly how the line was set the first time, but we've made that observation before, about friends that are so dear, that KNOW your secrets and you can look them in the face, knowing that they know and knowing that they know and it doesn't matter because they ARE such good and dear friends.
I miss her so much.
The distance is mostly imaginary.
I forgive myself for feeling guilty about having such a good friend. Do you think this li'l grief piece will creep her out?
You are NOT going to creep her out.
I've tried not to 'share' these pieces about how much I miss her.
I know.
I felt like it would make her feel bad to know I felt bad.
Friends will do that. You DO know that she's still your dear true friend..
Yeah, I s'pose I've never doubted it. It .. it still makes me feel weird, sitting rchere w/tears streaming down my cheeks.
It's not so bad. I think we were primed for a good extended weep.
You're not the least bit ashamed?
I'm not. I think you're due to wash your face and blow your nose.. get that doc you want printed ready..
Do we need to some summing up?
Do we?
I was wondering about sending tonight's run to Martha.
See if she'll cheese it.
Yeah.
I'd say go for it.
Yeah?
I know it'd be a huge rush if it came back w/her fingerprints all over it.
Yeah, it would.. and I think it's decent, imean, there's @ least the prospect of growth, some .. you know, hope.
I want you to think about that mouth.. visualize.
That's sooo easy.
You're smiling.
Yeah, how 'bout that. Heh, ttto Kawliga.
Yeah, that's pretty funny.
Hank, what a character.
Did you get the pill in?
Yes. Oh I didn't do the Depakote tho'. How much editing is this thing going to take?
Not much, mainly we've been taking care of the stray characters and spaces as we go along and we NEVER excise pieces of text.
Well, there was that ONE line you took out of the LJ post.
-I- took it out?
I'm pretty sure you took it out; it was one of those 'pointy' refs.
I think I know what you're talking about.
Ibetcha I could scroll up a few pages and fetch it down if you'd like to see it.
Yeah, do that.. maybe snag a line or few of context.
Got it.
That was nearly quick.
Actually, I was hunting hard and saw a note about the line I'd left out of the previous post, so THAT was a big tip. Here 'tis > > > I don't mind (much) saying that I'm not ready or able, nor do I forsee that change coming, to discuss the crap that lingers in the creepy recesses. I'll admit that I thought it'd be neat meet and nifty in a truly peculiar way if I'd been able to fish Martha into the 'tough questioner' role w/the post.. iguess it was last week.. the relative last one she commented on. < < < < the line 'left out was.. 'fished in.'
That's close enough. Why'd I cut it?
I think you wanted to see if she'd volunteer.
As I recall, she sorta did.
Sorta. Her comment reffed a plural WE can help or something along those lines. It's bedtime, Ken. Wanna go visiting the old sylph sites again?
Yeah, that was kinda interesting.
/\ /\ THAT comment makes a reference to a whole 'nother box of weird that'd been opened Monpm. I left it in because that's the kinda editing I do. It's good for the contex.. sort of.
-km-
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
trail head
It's therapy for me.
I've had these four chunks of my journal, which I thought I'd ship to MarthaArielTess over the summer.. and I didn't. And then I decided I couldn't or maybe SHOULDN'T. So I didn't. But I still wanted, needed to get them, y'know.. OUT. So I put them -here- intead of @ A Muse, my LiveJournal blog, 'cause she'd be less likely to see them here.. which is weird, sort of, because I nearly desparately WANTed her to see them.
Of course there's a story there and I'd be delighted to share, if you'll ask, I'll answer.
Get the girls out.. Tess is sorta of waiting inna chat box.
Why do you have to say stuff like that? Do you have ANY idea how, um, disloyal that looks?
I s'pose that if I don't wanna be sweatin' it Monpm, iota start working on the li'l bitto stuff that needs grading. Later, f'sure. RCnow 732pm Sat and I'll be poppin' the G'spot open shortly and pouring a fresh cuppa. Life is mainly grand, I've got text to play in from Tu and Ariel's sending a big chunk of pt4.. PiB, y'know. Got Dangerbird in the hedfones.. yeah, life is good. The coffee is prob'ly 'bout ready and I'm definitely ready for it, even tho' it does mean walking thru' THAT part of the house where I'm likely to get hijacked. Well, THIS is a lovely howdy do.. 1137pm Sat.. going to be Easter in about 23 min. I rilly haven't done a whole lot except read pt4 and I've only gotten thru' eleven of the 25 chapts Ariel sent. Oh, and Wil sent about that much of the Cursed sequel, Betrayed.
It was a Monday.. not a bad day, on the whole. George and I lunched w/Glynda and her sister, that was grand. I got grades entered in the egradebook.. three grades in all the classes. AND rcnow @ 1003pm I reckon it's about socalled time to get bedward. I've done the box and the costume, still need to set up the coffee maker. Then, I s'pose I'll get medicated and fade away. After I got done w/the grading tasks I read another li'l piece of pt4 and, of course, that's fab. 1017pm, the sleep aid's in and I'm thinkin' iota move to the ink stream. I'll sit for a few min and see what runs onto the screen.. maybe even stick around until the typing gets or feels too sloppy. Ah crap, I've got to set the alarm; there was a brief power outage SunAM. I prob'ly ought to check and make sure the timer on the coffee maker is still good to go.. more crap to keep me off task and out of bed. Hmmm, meds.. yeah, what a concept. Reality, how's that one for a mind-bender? Heh, don't get me started. It's.. yeah, I guess it is.
What's that about?
About five words.
Blithe.
Sarcastic.
Okay, I know you're ready for bed.
Yeah, I am, but I'd like to sit and play as long as I can.
The alarm's going off @ 448AM.
Yeah, more or less.
That's only about six hours.
I'm ready; got a warm up in mind.. start on another round of write little "fake" paragraphs.. tie them to moving thru' the Shakespeare.
Short week.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
What's this tune?
Loose Change, a long one.
Sit 'til it's over, if you can stand it, then go to bed after noting the ttto shift.
Sure, that sounds like as good a plan as any. It was Twilight before this and Motion Pictures before that.
You absolutely MUST remember to try to move some tunes w/the j'drive.
Yeah, that's kinda of a large deal.
I want to dash for a potty break.
Yer worried about being deprived of socalled time, huh.. it'll be fine; I'll take care of you. Go poop.
Wow.
What?
I didn't think I'd miss the whole song, but I came back to find Helpless winding down into Look Out For My Love.
I notice that you didn't turn the light on when you came back in.
It didn't seem necessary.
Y'like my Neil playlist?
Sure. Let's do a ten min frame and move out to the bed.
Fine, bring one up.
Rcthere it is.
Aint she a beauty.. looks it'll take us write up to elevenpm
1) Sure, but first y'gotta get started. That's done and then y'gotta remember not to forget to use the down-arrow @ the appropriate
2) interval instead of the hard return. I think we'll be okay; it's my toy. I'm pretty sure I know how to use it. I was merely pointing
3) out that It's been a while since either of us has been framed. Ohohoh. What? I wonder if this could be used to break the jam @ Auspi. I wish you'd
4) let it go. I wish you'd put some effort into what's clearly a worthwhile project. Clearly worthwhile, izzit? Yeah, I really
5) can't imagine bailing on it. Oh you feel invested. I'll go along w/that. It's a nearly huge beak thru' be able to make the grim admission w/out
6) the face melting.. the brain gloopy nosebleed. Yeah, we've seen it a couple of times w/no
7) seriously ill affects. Heh, guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. Gotta thank txmi for that one again. Think she'll read blamin'
8) Willow? Nah, but I'd really like for her to. She hasn't made a single comment about the slash.. I guess I was definitely fishing when I pitched that line
9) out there. Ah, don't sweat the small stuff. Get her a line or few out, soon, about the perfect child and the wild bunch I teach.
10) line ten. Yup, I guess that's the one we've been looking for, ttto Campaigner. Ooops, a shift on our watch..
That's nearly too funny! Dreamin' Man shuffles in as socalled time runs out in the frame. Say good night, Ken.
Good nite, ken.
AND it's about that socalled time again @ 1004pm Tue. I'm supposing I'm moving into a manic phase, if I'm not already there. I'm getting, um, more than usual done and feeling really good and not sleeping when I'm s'posed to. Well, it's not AWFUL; I did a pretty good job of getting back on track after the horrible mess I'd made of the sked during the short Easter break. I'll get Ambiened up.. actually, the pill's already in, and get some sleep in a bit. Coffee, costume and cats' box have been tended, I'm good to go. I sent Tu's ch5 back to her a few min ago. I'd kinda like to spend a few min w/ Ariel's pt4, but, really, I'd rather play in the relative here. The ink stream has surprisingly little fascination. I'm still not progressing w/or around the albatross story in Auspi and I don't care much for the long-lined thing, bein, I use while Glynda's got the biggo n'book. So, it's me and you, kid.
I can stand it; you're pretty good company.
Thanx, I generally enjoy hangin' w/you, too.
So.. the albatross thing.
It'll get done. I almost nearly got comfortable w/the awful admission that keeps gumming up the works.
The love and Martha line.
Yeah, Tess.
Whatever.
It's, you know, a usage thing; keep the naming stuff as simple as possible.
Okay.
Why have you got that look?
I don't see how.. imean, nevermind.. Tess.
Tess and Ariel.
Gotcha.
So... I read pt4 'til after elevenpm.. g'nite y'all
Fripm.. for another five min or so.. I s'pose I'm medicating recreationally but it is a tad unusual to be "so" awake @ this relative late hour considering the way the week has gone and that I haven't napped today. So the Ambien is probably a prudent, tho' certainly not necessary, measure. I've read all there is, relative currently, of pt4 and I'm ready to race thru' Cursed and Betrayed. Plus, I'm going to make an honest effort to put some decent lessons together for the fairly odious Shakespearean experience being inflicted on the kids. ANYHOW, it's fast becoming SatAM and the dope's starting to have lessay more pronounced effects, which ibetcha means I won't be engaged w/this task for much longer. I'll stick it out for a while and see if I can get it before I get drawn into the early smurf. Um, more than likely, tho', if I get any lines filled before the sloppy smurf, they'll be filled in or @ bein. Glynda still has the biggo n'book. She did mention today that she's getting deep into it, which I take as an indication that she'll be bringing it back this week. I've pitched the slash lines @ Txmich a couple of times and she seems dedicated to not acknowledging the toss. That's very probably an indicator of disinterest.. maybe polite disgust. I've got or I'm getting a fine range of tunes loaded into the MediaPlayer. Ttto Long Tailed Cat maybe it's Dixie Holiday. I need to set that li'l feature up that announces the song @ the toppo the screen when the tune changes.. I've seen it do it a couple of times before and of course I am completely clueless about what brought the musical updates to my typing screen. I reckon most imean some of the assembled y'all can see that I'm having some minor probs w/my fine motor skills and I'm into that sincerely disruptive phase of trying to fix most of the minor miscues instead of letting the allegedly actual ed crew come in on their time and look @ the crap w/a much less jaundiced eye. It is definitely long past my alleged bedtime. In my socalled defense, I spent a few hours cooking up a biggo potto chicken dumpings. That's be good for me to feast on while the gals so to the concert event @ the horse track. My best, and much uninformed guess, izzat they'll leave around 2pm and stay gone 'til midnite. It's JUST a guss and the weather (rain) could shorten that bitto fun much. Dude, the lights are out, my feet are up on the huge desk.. got the nifty wireless k'board in my lap. It was very nearly a struggle to find those li'l bumps on the f and j keys.. but it's all right.. got some Lionel Hampton vibraphoning in the hedfones.. major mellow. I think the chicken dumpings turned out well, I still need to stumble back out to the kitchen and put it in the fridge before I "officially" fall in bed. I managed nearly a screenfull, that's not too bad. It aint great, but it IS fairly representative. I've let idle fingers sit on or near the k'board for nearly as min as I've kept them engaged. I think that's a pretty good sign that I'm ready to stop and seek refuge under the mask. Oh, and then Neil rides that freakin' Crazy Horse around for some sonic blisters.. Love and Only.. yeah, gotta love it. That'll prob'ly keep me here for another ten min or so.. like a little girl who couldn't wait.
So.. Ken.. I know you still fancy yourself to be a writer.
Make your hostile, belittling point and get out.
How's that gig going for ye?
I'm still fillin' lotsa lines; I s'pose it's going fine, thank you.
Satisfied?
Hell no.. not satisfied w/the volume or w/the product tho' both have flashes of construed great ness.
You need, like, a full-time archivist.
Heh, no question about it.. someone to browse the piles of files and start collating and sorting and collecting maybe great lines.
I think the fab tune's going to run out in three min or so.
That'll be fine.. oops there it went, not even a whole min.. and J Beck comes prancing in w/one of those fine Blow By Blow numbers.
Go to bed fella.
Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
Save and shut down.
Yay me.. up ~7AM, thru' the smurf and.. well, I hope to be thru' the splash by 9AM, that's 36 min away. I've played in the MediaPlayer for a while, updated @ the Gblog.. It's a good morning. I think the psychic barometer is rising. The wife and child will likely spend all of the pm @ another music event, maybe I'll get all the school stuff tended. Heh, it COULD happen. Hang on, I want to send the li'l "I'm around" note I already sent to Tess along to Tu and Sil; this won't take long, ibetcha. Nah.. not awfully long, but I am still hugely disgusted @ how damn slowly the machine moves. Signing out of chat seems to help some, closing the G'spot, completely, would prob'ly help s'more.
Okay, dude, what IS the deal?
I'd like to tell you, but I don't want to start lying.
Hmm. So you want me to start?
Sure, that'll be fine.
The assembled we are sitting @ the huge desk, feet up, hedfones fulla Mr Disappointment annit's a quarter 'til fourAM Sun. I napped from around five to tenpm and, well, I woulda figured I'd be back in bed, but evidently, that's not the case.
In fact, JUSTabout the time I was givin' some thought to going back to bed, the perfect child decided she'd get bedward and asked if she could take my spot.
Yeah.
So I've read thru' Cursed and Betrayed.
That sounds like it was probably a real hoot.
Yeah, but igottatellya buddy, Betrayed isn't nearly as powerful as Cursed.
You prob'ly ought to share that w/Wil.
Yeah, probably, but she's worked so long and hard on it.
Maybe Betrayed needs another read.
Yeah, maybe.. but Cursed absolutely astounded me the first time I read it, Betrayed, I dunno.. JUST not the same.
Maybe y'oughta give some of this precious attention to the school tasks.
Yeah.
I'd like to propose getting doped and inducing a little bitto sleep.
That seems like a maybe extraordinarily good idea. Y'think we might hafta switch to the ink stream to get a good approach on the gates of slumberland?
I wouldn't be surprised, but I -do- plan to resist it.
Dingding
IF y'came in looking for something in particular, it's probably already been moved into the em jour spot, oh nine.. y'know.. you only hafta ask.
Yeah, AS USUAL, there's a story there.
meanwhile, I continue to use the Gspot compost as a sort of launching ground, mainly for stuff I write when I'm in my classroom; it's much tidier than opening a Word spot and moving that doc onto the j'drive. @ the relative present moment, tho', I'm sittin in the office of the K'wood manse.. playing on the cool wireless k'board feeding the laptop I inherited from Jen. I had been playing in the ink stream.. but ireckoni decided I wanted the rapid compost. I.. well, i don't know. on the one hand, I'm feeling a tad isolated; I've pretty much stopped sending posts out and that's cut down on a LOT of the contact w/the slashettes. It's probably not fair to say that I miss it more than they do.. but I miss it a lot and I haven't done anything to bridge the gap I opened w/the decision not to be putting my unasked for stuff in their boxes.
And that's the way it is.. the way it goes.. s'more, Tuepm. It's already after tenpm and i will be getting into the chemical slumbers very shortly. I'd be remiss, tho', if i didn't mention making connections thispm w/Txmic, Sil, Tu, and Ariel. Plus.. I had some phone contact w/Chas as we get ready for the New Orleans gig. I guess I've been quite the social butterfly.
not a good sign..1030pm Wed and .. well.. clearly I'm not in bed. I really need to be getting bedward before tenpm @ the latest to get a complement of about seven hours; that doesn't happen very often. A large part of that, I think, izzat it doesn't get dark 'til about 830pm. Oh well. Tomorrow I'll get the 9th graders reading the condensed version of the their play and start the 10th graders on Act II of Caesar. We'll see how that stuff worx out. Coffee, costume and cat's box are ready for the AM.. the Ambien's in.. i s'pose I'm only waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can stumble into Slumberland.. definitely something to look forward to. The fingers, it seems, are already ready to call it a night and that's probably a good idea, but I've still got about haffa cuppa that I thought I wanted to drink. Oh, here's one for the funny how it worx out, dept... after years of whining about Word and the autocapped singular personal pronoun, I find that I frequently miss that feature in the relative this compose mode.
--
The girls are gone for a day, it's possible, but admittedly unlikely, that i'll do some of the school stuff i've let go for.. well, all of THIS week, f'sure. I sent out a flare to Txmi and i've got a fic related string going w/the celebrated authoress. MANY lights are on.. oh yeah, it, um, I guess y'all don't know unless I say so.. I'm typing into the compost spot so that I can watch for incoming messes. I set some stuff on the LJ yesterpm; it seemed like the thing to do. It was, of course, merely streamy fluff.. the lines i'd sorta stored in the relative here since Mon, I think.. I can.. wow, iguessi can see that this is already turning into a long damn stretch of filling the idle w/missing Jen. I kinda think the wheels are going to fly off my manic wagon.
Yeah, that's sorta what happened. I napped for a while in the pm after school, wouldn't get anything going in the G spot and hit the Ambien trail @ midnite. Then found a couple of notes from Txmi apparently timed around 1230AM. One of them was a very longish thing that I haven't gone back and writ an appropriate response to or for. And it's midnite again. I'll very probably load in the superfluous sleep aid and do the nearly quick fade, pretending that I'll get up and hit the untended trail early. A couple of things work against that notion. First of all, I'm slipping into one of those mindsets where I simply don't want to do it and the week of testing that looms kinda seems to open a window for not doing it and drawing no real attention to not doing it. That's a nearly fatal combination for getting stuff done.. not wanting to do it and feeling like you don't really need to do it. It sorta doesn't matter that it's the right thing to do and that the next op to apply the round tuit is NEXT weekend when I hope to be hanging in New Orleans, six or so hours away from the bag of untend. Oh, here's a programming note I may not have already shared. I worked around the awful blockage in Auspicious by.. are you ready for this.. by merely blowing off trying to tell the troublesome albatross story. The way I said it to the page was the effort and socalled time invested .. reached the point of diminishing returns.
I've had these four chunks of my journal, which I thought I'd ship to MarthaArielTess over the summer.. and I didn't. And then I decided I couldn't or maybe SHOULDN'T. So I didn't. But I still wanted, needed to get them, y'know.. OUT. So I put them -here- intead of @ A Muse, my LiveJournal blog, 'cause she'd be less likely to see them here.. which is weird, sort of, because I nearly desparately WANTed her to see them.
Of course there's a story there and I'd be delighted to share, if you'll ask, I'll answer.
Get the girls out.. Tess is sorta of waiting inna chat box.
Why do you have to say stuff like that? Do you have ANY idea how, um, disloyal that looks?
I s'pose that if I don't wanna be sweatin' it Monpm, iota start working on the li'l bitto stuff that needs grading. Later, f'sure. RCnow 732pm Sat and I'll be poppin' the G'spot open shortly and pouring a fresh cuppa. Life is mainly grand, I've got text to play in from Tu and Ariel's sending a big chunk of pt4.. PiB, y'know. Got Dangerbird in the hedfones.. yeah, life is good. The coffee is prob'ly 'bout ready and I'm definitely ready for it, even tho' it does mean walking thru' THAT part of the house where I'm likely to get hijacked. Well, THIS is a lovely howdy do.. 1137pm Sat.. going to be Easter in about 23 min. I rilly haven't done a whole lot except read pt4 and I've only gotten thru' eleven of the 25 chapts Ariel sent. Oh, and Wil sent about that much of the Cursed sequel, Betrayed.
It was a Monday.. not a bad day, on the whole. George and I lunched w/Glynda and her sister, that was grand. I got grades entered in the egradebook.. three grades in all the classes. AND rcnow @ 1003pm I reckon it's about socalled time to get bedward. I've done the box and the costume, still need to set up the coffee maker. Then, I s'pose I'll get medicated and fade away. After I got done w/the grading tasks I read another li'l piece of pt4 and, of course, that's fab. 1017pm, the sleep aid's in and I'm thinkin' iota move to the ink stream. I'll sit for a few min and see what runs onto the screen.. maybe even stick around until the typing gets or feels too sloppy. Ah crap, I've got to set the alarm; there was a brief power outage SunAM. I prob'ly ought to check and make sure the timer on the coffee maker is still good to go.. more crap to keep me off task and out of bed. Hmmm, meds.. yeah, what a concept. Reality, how's that one for a mind-bender? Heh, don't get me started. It's.. yeah, I guess it is.
What's that about?
About five words.
Blithe.
Sarcastic.
Okay, I know you're ready for bed.
Yeah, I am, but I'd like to sit and play as long as I can.
The alarm's going off @ 448AM.
Yeah, more or less.
That's only about six hours.
I'm ready; got a warm up in mind.. start on another round of write little "fake" paragraphs.. tie them to moving thru' the Shakespeare.
Short week.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
What's this tune?
Loose Change, a long one.
Sit 'til it's over, if you can stand it, then go to bed after noting the ttto shift.
Sure, that sounds like as good a plan as any. It was Twilight before this and Motion Pictures before that.
You absolutely MUST remember to try to move some tunes w/the j'drive.
Yeah, that's kinda of a large deal.
I want to dash for a potty break.
Yer worried about being deprived of socalled time, huh.. it'll be fine; I'll take care of you. Go poop.
Wow.
What?
I didn't think I'd miss the whole song, but I came back to find Helpless winding down into Look Out For My Love.
I notice that you didn't turn the light on when you came back in.
It didn't seem necessary.
Y'like my Neil playlist?
Sure. Let's do a ten min frame and move out to the bed.
Fine, bring one up.
Rcthere it is.
Aint she a beauty.. looks it'll take us write up to elevenpm
1) Sure, but first y'gotta get started. That's done and then y'gotta remember not to forget to use the down-arrow @ the appropriate
2) interval instead of the hard return. I think we'll be okay; it's my toy. I'm pretty sure I know how to use it. I was merely pointing
3) out that It's been a while since either of us has been framed. Ohohoh. What? I wonder if this could be used to break the jam @ Auspi. I wish you'd
4) let it go. I wish you'd put some effort into what's clearly a worthwhile project. Clearly worthwhile, izzit? Yeah, I really
5) can't imagine bailing on it. Oh you feel invested. I'll go along w/that. It's a nearly huge beak thru' be able to make the grim admission w/out
6) the face melting.. the brain gloopy nosebleed. Yeah, we've seen it a couple of times w/no
7) seriously ill affects. Heh, guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. Gotta thank txmi for that one again. Think she'll read blamin'
8) Willow? Nah, but I'd really like for her to. She hasn't made a single comment about the slash.. I guess I was definitely fishing when I pitched that line
9) out there. Ah, don't sweat the small stuff. Get her a line or few out, soon, about the perfect child and the wild bunch I teach.
10) line ten. Yup, I guess that's the one we've been looking for, ttto Campaigner. Ooops, a shift on our watch..
That's nearly too funny! Dreamin' Man shuffles in as socalled time runs out in the frame. Say good night, Ken.
Good nite, ken.
AND it's about that socalled time again @ 1004pm Tue. I'm supposing I'm moving into a manic phase, if I'm not already there. I'm getting, um, more than usual done and feeling really good and not sleeping when I'm s'posed to. Well, it's not AWFUL; I did a pretty good job of getting back on track after the horrible mess I'd made of the sked during the short Easter break. I'll get Ambiened up.. actually, the pill's already in, and get some sleep in a bit. Coffee, costume and cats' box have been tended, I'm good to go. I sent Tu's ch5 back to her a few min ago. I'd kinda like to spend a few min w/ Ariel's pt4, but, really, I'd rather play in the relative here. The ink stream has surprisingly little fascination. I'm still not progressing w/or around the albatross story in Auspi and I don't care much for the long-lined thing, bein, I use while Glynda's got the biggo n'book. So, it's me and you, kid.
I can stand it; you're pretty good company.
Thanx, I generally enjoy hangin' w/you, too.
So.. the albatross thing.
It'll get done. I almost nearly got comfortable w/the awful admission that keeps gumming up the works.
The love and Martha line.
Yeah, Tess.
Whatever.
It's, you know, a usage thing; keep the naming stuff as simple as possible.
Okay.
Why have you got that look?
I don't see how.. imean, nevermind.. Tess.
Tess and Ariel.
Gotcha.
So... I read pt4 'til after elevenpm.. g'nite y'all
Fripm.. for another five min or so.. I s'pose I'm medicating recreationally but it is a tad unusual to be "so" awake @ this relative late hour considering the way the week has gone and that I haven't napped today. So the Ambien is probably a prudent, tho' certainly not necessary, measure. I've read all there is, relative currently, of pt4 and I'm ready to race thru' Cursed and Betrayed. Plus, I'm going to make an honest effort to put some decent lessons together for the fairly odious Shakespearean experience being inflicted on the kids. ANYHOW, it's fast becoming SatAM and the dope's starting to have lessay more pronounced effects, which ibetcha means I won't be engaged w/this task for much longer. I'll stick it out for a while and see if I can get it before I get drawn into the early smurf. Um, more than likely, tho', if I get any lines filled before the sloppy smurf, they'll be filled in or @ bein. Glynda still has the biggo n'book. She did mention today that she's getting deep into it, which I take as an indication that she'll be bringing it back this week. I've pitched the slash lines @ Txmich a couple of times and she seems dedicated to not acknowledging the toss. That's very probably an indicator of disinterest.. maybe polite disgust. I've got or I'm getting a fine range of tunes loaded into the MediaPlayer. Ttto Long Tailed Cat maybe it's Dixie Holiday. I need to set that li'l feature up that announces the song @ the toppo the screen when the tune changes.. I've seen it do it a couple of times before and of course I am completely clueless about what brought the musical updates to my typing screen. I reckon most imean some of the assembled y'all can see that I'm having some minor probs w/my fine motor skills and I'm into that sincerely disruptive phase of trying to fix most of the minor miscues instead of letting the allegedly actual ed crew come in on their time and look @ the crap w/a much less jaundiced eye. It is definitely long past my alleged bedtime. In my socalled defense, I spent a few hours cooking up a biggo potto chicken dumpings. That's be good for me to feast on while the gals so to the concert event @ the horse track. My best, and much uninformed guess, izzat they'll leave around 2pm and stay gone 'til midnite. It's JUST a guss and the weather (rain) could shorten that bitto fun much. Dude, the lights are out, my feet are up on the huge desk.. got the nifty wireless k'board in my lap. It was very nearly a struggle to find those li'l bumps on the f and j keys.. but it's all right.. got some Lionel Hampton vibraphoning in the hedfones.. major mellow. I think the chicken dumpings turned out well, I still need to stumble back out to the kitchen and put it in the fridge before I "officially" fall in bed. I managed nearly a screenfull, that's not too bad. It aint great, but it IS fairly representative. I've let idle fingers sit on or near the k'board for nearly as min as I've kept them engaged. I think that's a pretty good sign that I'm ready to stop and seek refuge under the mask. Oh, and then Neil rides that freakin' Crazy Horse around for some sonic blisters.. Love and Only.. yeah, gotta love it. That'll prob'ly keep me here for another ten min or so.. like a little girl who couldn't wait.
So.. Ken.. I know you still fancy yourself to be a writer.
Make your hostile, belittling point and get out.
How's that gig going for ye?
I'm still fillin' lotsa lines; I s'pose it's going fine, thank you.
Satisfied?
Hell no.. not satisfied w/the volume or w/the product tho' both have flashes of construed great ness.
You need, like, a full-time archivist.
Heh, no question about it.. someone to browse the piles of files and start collating and sorting and collecting maybe great lines.
I think the fab tune's going to run out in three min or so.
That'll be fine.. oops there it went, not even a whole min.. and J Beck comes prancing in w/one of those fine Blow By Blow numbers.
Go to bed fella.
Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
Save and shut down.
Yay me.. up ~7AM, thru' the smurf and.. well, I hope to be thru' the splash by 9AM, that's 36 min away. I've played in the MediaPlayer for a while, updated @ the Gblog.. It's a good morning. I think the psychic barometer is rising. The wife and child will likely spend all of the pm @ another music event, maybe I'll get all the school stuff tended. Heh, it COULD happen. Hang on, I want to send the li'l "I'm around" note I already sent to Tess along to Tu and Sil; this won't take long, ibetcha. Nah.. not awfully long, but I am still hugely disgusted @ how damn slowly the machine moves. Signing out of chat seems to help some, closing the G'spot, completely, would prob'ly help s'more.
Okay, dude, what IS the deal?
I'd like to tell you, but I don't want to start lying.
Hmm. So you want me to start?
Sure, that'll be fine.
The assembled we are sitting @ the huge desk, feet up, hedfones fulla Mr Disappointment annit's a quarter 'til fourAM Sun. I napped from around five to tenpm and, well, I woulda figured I'd be back in bed, but evidently, that's not the case.
In fact, JUSTabout the time I was givin' some thought to going back to bed, the perfect child decided she'd get bedward and asked if she could take my spot.
Yeah.
So I've read thru' Cursed and Betrayed.
That sounds like it was probably a real hoot.
Yeah, but igottatellya buddy, Betrayed isn't nearly as powerful as Cursed.
You prob'ly ought to share that w/Wil.
Yeah, probably, but she's worked so long and hard on it.
Maybe Betrayed needs another read.
Yeah, maybe.. but Cursed absolutely astounded me the first time I read it, Betrayed, I dunno.. JUST not the same.
Maybe y'oughta give some of this precious attention to the school tasks.
Yeah.
I'd like to propose getting doped and inducing a little bitto sleep.
That seems like a maybe extraordinarily good idea. Y'think we might hafta switch to the ink stream to get a good approach on the gates of slumberland?
I wouldn't be surprised, but I -do- plan to resist it.
Dingding
IF y'came in looking for something in particular, it's probably already been moved into the em jour spot, oh nine.. y'know.. you only hafta ask.
Yeah, AS USUAL, there's a story there.
meanwhile, I continue to use the Gspot compost as a sort of launching ground, mainly for stuff I write when I'm in my classroom; it's much tidier than opening a Word spot and moving that doc onto the j'drive. @ the relative present moment, tho', I'm sittin in the office of the K'wood manse.. playing on the cool wireless k'board feeding the laptop I inherited from Jen. I had been playing in the ink stream.. but ireckoni decided I wanted the rapid compost. I.. well, i don't know. on the one hand, I'm feeling a tad isolated; I've pretty much stopped sending posts out and that's cut down on a LOT of the contact w/the slashettes. It's probably not fair to say that I miss it more than they do.. but I miss it a lot and I haven't done anything to bridge the gap I opened w/the decision not to be putting my unasked for stuff in their boxes.
And that's the way it is.. the way it goes.. s'more, Tuepm. It's already after tenpm and i will be getting into the chemical slumbers very shortly. I'd be remiss, tho', if i didn't mention making connections thispm w/Txmic, Sil, Tu, and Ariel. Plus.. I had some phone contact w/Chas as we get ready for the New Orleans gig. I guess I've been quite the social butterfly.
not a good sign..1030pm Wed and .. well.. clearly I'm not in bed. I really need to be getting bedward before tenpm @ the latest to get a complement of about seven hours; that doesn't happen very often. A large part of that, I think, izzat it doesn't get dark 'til about 830pm. Oh well. Tomorrow I'll get the 9th graders reading the condensed version of the their play and start the 10th graders on Act II of Caesar. We'll see how that stuff worx out. Coffee, costume and cat's box are ready for the AM.. the Ambien's in.. i s'pose I'm only waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can stumble into Slumberland.. definitely something to look forward to. The fingers, it seems, are already ready to call it a night and that's probably a good idea, but I've still got about haffa cuppa that I thought I wanted to drink. Oh, here's one for the funny how it worx out, dept... after years of whining about Word and the autocapped singular personal pronoun, I find that I frequently miss that feature in the relative this compose mode.
--
The girls are gone for a day, it's possible, but admittedly unlikely, that i'll do some of the school stuff i've let go for.. well, all of THIS week, f'sure. I sent out a flare to Txmi and i've got a fic related string going w/the celebrated authoress. MANY lights are on.. oh yeah, it, um, I guess y'all don't know unless I say so.. I'm typing into the compost spot so that I can watch for incoming messes. I set some stuff on the LJ yesterpm; it seemed like the thing to do. It was, of course, merely streamy fluff.. the lines i'd sorta stored in the relative here since Mon, I think.. I can.. wow, iguessi can see that this is already turning into a long damn stretch of filling the idle w/missing Jen. I kinda think the wheels are going to fly off my manic wagon.
Yeah, that's sorta what happened. I napped for a while in the pm after school, wouldn't get anything going in the G spot and hit the Ambien trail @ midnite. Then found a couple of notes from Txmi apparently timed around 1230AM. One of them was a very longish thing that I haven't gone back and writ an appropriate response to or for. And it's midnite again. I'll very probably load in the superfluous sleep aid and do the nearly quick fade, pretending that I'll get up and hit the untended trail early. A couple of things work against that notion. First of all, I'm slipping into one of those mindsets where I simply don't want to do it and the week of testing that looms kinda seems to open a window for not doing it and drawing no real attention to not doing it. That's a nearly fatal combination for getting stuff done.. not wanting to do it and feeling like you don't really need to do it. It sorta doesn't matter that it's the right thing to do and that the next op to apply the round tuit is NEXT weekend when I hope to be hanging in New Orleans, six or so hours away from the bag of untend. Oh, here's a programming note I may not have already shared. I worked around the awful blockage in Auspicious by.. are you ready for this.. by merely blowing off trying to tell the troublesome albatross story. The way I said it to the page was the effort and socalled time invested .. reached the point of diminishing returns.
Two of Four
A typing emergency?
I don't thinxo. I oft' have cause to regret putting that phrase into Jen's vocab.. well, actually, I regret it every time I hear it. Oh well, it's nobody's fault but my own. Here sits Ken, tappin' the cool wireless on a Monpm. I got napped up and approved to take a couple of days. It'll make the sorry assed testing plan much easier to bear. AND if all goes well, the week will wrap w/a trip to New Orleans. Yay! I guess that's all the news I've go to impart.. days off, days on the road. My eyes are really tired despite napping for several hours on the couches. Let's suppose it's strain from playing w/the MediaPlayer; I filled a folder @ school and it seems that none of it made it home w/me.. oh ibetcha what happened izzat I copied the relative LAST playlist I'd made.. that's why none of the stuff I was looking for was in the folder and all the stuff I found in the folder had already been moved into the relative local library. Hmmph. Stoopid shit.
Stoopid shit DOES happen. I'm kinda halfway trying to see if I can charm the girls back home by sittin' @ the machine. Sometimes it works, especially if I've got a slashette it chat and almost assuredly if it's Tess. Lets see who's got lights on. Hmm, Tu. Haven't heard from HER in a while. I bet she'll answer the ding.. and probably w/in a minute or two.. if not then prob'ly not @ all. Well, I did my part Not much left, now, @ 930pm except to start getting ready for the AM. Coffee and cat's box anyway.. I don't plan to go in, in fact, I've already called the sub line, so I don't need to fret about a costume. I'll get up, get thru' the shower and take the truck down for an oil change and get those folk to look over the exhaust system. There seems to be a leak somewhere. Ah.. strike a formerly familiar pose.. feet up on the huge desk w/the k'board in my lap. The wireless is really good for that. So.. am I afraid of the noise or afraid of the quiet?
Why does it hafta be fear?
It's something Glynda suggested.
Ahhh, the wise one. Yeah, It's good to have her back, but.. well she's.
She says she's fine but she's not.. imean she.
What?
I dunno. It IS good to have her back where I can see her. Glynda was slippin' away before the tragedy, now she's nearly absent.. and I don't know how to bring her back. I suppose that she doesn't want to BE back.
You definitely need to get back into therapy. Yeah, I won't argue that point; the thing is, I don't know what I want to get from therapy.
Well, for a while, there's that hole that's going to open when school ends and you lose contact w/George and Glynda. And, y'know Glynda will be gone forever. Yeah, but ibetcha it'll be easier to bear than losing "her replacement."
You crack me up.
I'm glad you're so easily amused.
Sometimes it needs to be that way.
I could easily dope up and go to bed.
It'd probably be easier to get bedded rcnow than after the girls get back. I didn't and I haven't. I'm going to clip this chunk, close the spot and move to the relative actual em doc, oh nine.
And so I have, sort of. The relative actual thing refs to the way I've started keeping the "master" doc on my desktop and occasionally backing that version onto the j'drive. Yeah.. and the relative last time I tried to back up the files between the two j'drives I got seriously frustrated and it didn't get done. There's simply too much clutter.
FUCK ! ! I absolutely can't believe it's after 130AM again. Didn't this happen yesterday, too? Well, I s'pose that I'll load up the Dambien and try to follow the chemical trail into Slumberland. I know worse things have happened and now that I think about it, it's not even nearly the worst that's happened in.. ohh.. the last twelve hours.
Are you going to take the pill or not?
Yeah. How are we set for frames?
Frames, really, you want to mess w/THAT? Fine. Y'like the ten or fifteen?
I'll almost always pick the fifteen.
Ready when you are.
1) click. So Michelle finds that gesture distracting. Ahhh, that's JUST a shame. I'll tell y/what's distracting and that's what happens when you forget what's s'posed to be
2) going on and hit the return key instead. Yeah, that's less fun than usual.. MUCH less fun than usual. SO.. yeah.. so.. got the Stones in the shuffle Playin' w/Fire.
3) Or somethinglke that. Yeah and there's the shift.. the really slow shift. Sounds like maybe something live. I know this song. Yeah I bet you do. I can't pick it up yet.. can't immedia
4) whoops I missed my drop trying to identify the guitar. Ahh, it'll be all right. Could it be Zappa? I'm sure it could be,
5) but I kinda don't think so. It's more likely to be Satriani. Yeah, I could believe that. I may hafta give up a few seconds and bring up the MediaPlayer screen to see what's
6) going on. Yeah.. it took about a minute and it WAS Zappa. Now the Stones have come back w/Brown Sugar. This is not going to make a good read. Oh
7) please, if you haven't learned by NOW that it's not always going to be sparkling and erudite then you really are bound for .. well another load of disappointment and heartbreak.
8) Another? Have I already gone thru' that.. stuff? Um, don't bug me, I came to play and you seem to be bent on harshing my buzz, which reminds me
9) very little that you forgot to put the Dambien in and it's going go be after twoAM when we get done w/this exercise. Quit your
10) belly achin' the pill's in and Neil's on. Ibetcha can't name that tune. Yeah, sure I can, it's JUST gonna take a minnit or few 'til the tit rolls
11) around. I think it's prob'ly from the Living W/War thing.. Going Home. I think it's from Broken Arrow. You're
12) both wrong, it's Going Home, but it's from Are You Passionate. Wow, it doesn't sound like the other songs on that disc @ all. Heh, aint that great. One more reason to like the man.
13) yeah. I know I've listened to ..Passionate about a zillion times for Don't Tell and Mr Disappointment. And somehow got THAT sound all
14) associated w/the record.. so I didn't recognize this tune, which I sorta clearly know, as being from that collection. Do you recognize that the fifteenth line is looming near?
15) Yeah, very near.. like, write up on the assembled us. So.. yeah, that was fun, it nearly always is and I reckon that's why I keep doing it and
ding
and recommending it to others. And they seem NEVER to get it. Well, it's likely an acquired taste, like the anticonvention and if you don't do it a few times, then y'never acquire the taste for the wild and crazy funs found in or w/my toy.
You know what I want, now, doncha?
Yeah, you want to do the edit run and post this.
Wow, you know me so well. Why am I not surprised.
I think that was my line.
Oooh, there's Annie & Eurhythmics. .The King and Queen of America. That is SUCH a good tune.. we two are one she sed.
I don't see how I could ever lose sight of the inbox counter from the relative here in the compost spot, but it seems to happen regularly. I'll try to keep an eye on it for a while. The plan is to sit and fill a line or several in the drafty compose block of the Gspot. As I sit @ the huge desk, already not looking forward to the school gig in the morrow, the borders of this box seem quite well defined, but I sorta expect them to change. Maybe that suspicious shift comes when I close and reopen the hole. I can't stay long, it's 924pm; I'll be getting doped and crawling under the mask w/in the hour ibetcha. On the way to the gates of Slumberland, there are or is, almost of course the familiar trio of tasks.. coffee costume and cats' box that must be tended. That seldom takes more than 20min.. but I want to round up one of my plastic chess sets. I got a note from George indicating that my group won't be testing in the morrow. One of the guys, I'm certain, will bring his set and from what I've seen in past sessions, there's enough interest in the game to keep @ least half the room settled w/the supplemental set. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen; I made a search of the premises.. Jen helped.. and the spare chess men weren't found. Soooo, ireckoni will get the coffee and cat's box taken care of - I did the costume selection - and prepare to medicate and fade away. I hope for a 1030pm meet w/the mask. Okay, this is what I was talking about when I came in, I'm @ the relative bottom of the typing area, actually pushing the top few lines out of sight and I can still see the inbox thingy. I knew it was s'posed to work that way. I'm going to guess that on some previous visit to this spot, I'd scrolled too far down the page. By 1017pm the pill is in. That's probably a tiny bit later than i woulda picked or the 1030pm fade, but, really, any socalled time before elevenpm has to be regarded w/guarded optimism considering how much I've slept during the relative last two days and particularly in light of the fact that I've been out of bed for less than twelve hours today. Oh.. I forgot the pm meds.. let's go get that done, eh. Mmmmm, there's the dope, um, starting to muddle my synapses; I much confess that I like that distinctive and peculiar sensation. I've been hanging out in the G'spot in case a late mess from Txmi came in; I guess I'll use some of MY precious min to see if she's done another posting @ her blog w/out commenting on mine. It's such a petty complaint, I've been doing exactly the same thing @ LJ for a couple or three years.. posting and even actually browsing my Friends page w/out commenting. Alas, there's 1030pm and I'm feeling much inclined to get reclined for a few hours. Say good night, Ken.
g'nite, Ken.
Heh, watching the in spot from a room that's not my own. I sent out dings to George and.. Martha, but really, I'm not counting on either responding. My sweet wife went out, after I went to bed, and bought me a cheap chess/checkers/backgammon set. I've got some min between chess matches and lunch and.. well, you know how it is, this seemed like the thing to do. It's easier and less obtrusive than the ink stream. I know. I already tried the pen gig. Plus, it's easier for me to kinda keep an eye on what's going on in the room when I'm not "focused on the page." I came to play; I even brought the li'l mp3 which relative currently is running Dangerbird thru' the hedfones. I'm.. I guess I'm unnecessarily anxious; I prob'ly ought to medicate. It's the easy fix, Glynda would be appalled, let's not tell her. Ah crap.. got barely past tenAM and the group is starting to show maybe terminally restless indications. Hey, Martha dinged back. I may be able to get a truly distractive converse going for a li'l while. Hah! I stepped away to write a rr pass and when I came back I hit the spacebar to get back on track and it shifted the screen. Hang on M's responding..
Home sweet home. The pm shift was very nearly awful. I'm sure w/out the medicinal fortifications I'd installed early, it would been spectacularly unpleasant. But I got out and made it home so I can put my feet up on the huge desk and act like it never happened. In truth, it bodes ill for tomorrow and the whole process bodes ill for the chances of having NFHS around next year. There's no question, rcnow, that iota be working on apps for New Caney and (shudder) Humble. Crap. THAT is going to suck. I need to get a freakin' resume together in addition to the app scramble. I sooo don't want to be thinking about any of that shit. That's the kinda ideations that will send me running for the escape under the mask. How 'bout this.. I'll go have a bowl of cereal or chicken dumpings and then go play in the front yard for a while.. 'til Jen comes out and disturbs the meditation anyway.
Dude.
Ahhhh, don't start anything.
I was JUST sayin'..
I was JUST sayin' don't.
Fine, be that way.
I will; it is.
So, um, ready for bed?
Yeah, I think I've been ready for an hour or so but JUST got around to droppin' the pill.
I thought you told the page, earlier, that the manic had burned to a cusp.
Yeah, I prob'ly did say something like that but I also said that I'm not a reliable judge of what's going on w/how I feel.. plus, I'm waaaay tired after the ride home and not going to bed 'til after daybreak.
But it still seems to take the med to push you to the bed.
Let's JUST say I'm hedging my bets.
Okay, so when are you moving?
Write away, I reckon.
Wow, haven't done THIS in a while, typing into the oh nine file instead of putting in the thoughts on compost spot and moving it.. I had an Ambien in my hand a minute ago, I guess I swallowed it. That was the intent; it's 1043pm and I sorta wish I'd gotten to bed about an hour ago. I didn't get any of the stuff I'd wanted to do done this evening. I came in and napped for a couple of hours and then went Krogering w/Jen.. picked up some cheap chicken.. pretty much shot the time I might've used to update the gradebook online and see about some other school tasks. Man, I hate being in this place where all I seem to be able to think about is school when I'm not @ school.. and most especially @ or near bedtime. Oh well.. that's the way it is. I am still running kinda manic, that's sort of a source of concern. I get a little brittle, late, and that's what's prompted the observation that I'm on a cusp.. phase shifting.. I'm not pleased w/..me, I guess. I haven't been sharing w/the slashettes and they haven't been sharing w/me and.. I don't much care for that either. And.. now I'm.. well I don't want to say I'm fretting about having a post next year, but, honestly, that's really where the anxious is headed. There's faculty meeting tomorrowpm that ought to give somekinda answers, @ least it was touted that way in the announcements today. Ahh, there's the dope in my mind. That should provide the impetus to get the k'board out of my lap and my head under the mask innafew min. Maybe by elevenpm, about six min away.. almost for sure before 1115pm. Let's take some of the precious compost min and do a quick edrun and select a chunk to send to the slashettes.. see if I can get some converses started, maybe even get some texts comin' my way again. I've got a feeling.. a feeling deep inside, oh yeah.. I've got a feeling that I need to reach out to get out.
Ah... me. I got a note from George asking for more Ken. It kinda threw me for a loop because @ first I thought it was Tu making the request; she'd been the relative last responder on a mass mailing. Well, that's still way cool and I'm glad that SOMEONE wants to read my tired ramblings.
So I sent him a pile and a promise to send more, yay.
So, I'm wondering not really why I'm having such a hard time committing the albatross story to page or screen. Let's make the easy (and wrong) assumption that it's because it's ALL so well documented already. Okay, you don't like that one, how 'bout that thing about not being able to find a place to start.
I spent LOTSA min browsing the em archives, found the em tee trans doc which has been on my mind a lot as i struggle w/the bird thing and it, or they (there ARE two of them) are still very highly charged. I hope they always will be.. um, I went looking for an account of the cheap chicken tale. and didn't find that. I did find a helluva doc that'd been cheesed nicely I found plenty of stuff that reminds me what a terribly deep and complex story is the albatross. So that's the way that went. I'll maybe go back to the attempt I'd started in Auspicious. When I worked up the relative last grand funk, I was trying to get the tome run into those lines.
Feet up on the huge desk and expecting to fall over unconscious momentarily.. of course that's NOT going to happen. So, Auspi and oh nine are both @ or near 70 pgs. That might be a sign, as the edit we head for another likely breaking spot to start.. well, the noise is ALWAYS about combing the archives for the precious and germinal nuggets.. Maybe after I get Ariel's text shipped back. There's still a TON of stuff I want to do w/my c'room kids and Shakespeare. They're learning more than they could imagine about the structure of the plays and.. yeah.. When I get into the videogame ops, they really shine and MOST will pick up a couple hundred points JUST for paying attention. The game's a hit, but it always IS after the first show.
1) Let's try this.. I'm pretty sure that it's the fifteen min model and that I've got another one.. I know there's only ONE ten.. but let's all keep hoping for another min or few that this isn't it. Watching watching I guess that was the move
2) we'll pick that one, it's easier to see. Eleven got by and evidently, I'm not in bed or in the bedward mode.
3) I'm sure I could explain that if pressed, but suffice it to say that this STILL isn't the best medium to coax me into bed. The pen
4) is much better. Oh well. So.. t'morrow @ school.. remind all classes about the six weeks essay and pitch the deal one more time..all classes OUGHT to be playing the game for big points and
5) that seems to keep them scarily focused. . better go in w/a supplemental chip of the chill pill Everything works if you let it
6) Six.. I guess we'll make it. I'd nearly be glad to stop @ ten, except I know there's only one clean ten frame and I don't want to
7) be making another one. The Thu ought to go well, got the kids mostly excited about the game and the ones that are getting it are really good. The ones that are shaky @ least are good enough to get help from the more adroit stoonts and get it in time for the window to be open. It was thirty seconds for most of today, we'll go to 20 tomorrow and keep the points @ 20. I think some of these kids will MAKE their six weeks on the game. That's not awful.. it will give them somekinda understanding of the
8) whoops understanding of the narrative structure of the plays.
9) I'm glad it devised the tool and.. well, what can I say.. it works really really well for what I designed it to do. And here comes the moment of truth. It looks like
10) I may be in the solitary ten frame.. that's not the worst thing that's happened.. not even the worst that's happened today, but I will hafta create a new one if I want to do it again.
After midnight.. oh well. I had a couple of hours of nap.. I'll call it two and I might still get four annhaf hours of aided slumbers before heading out in the morrow. I'll call it six annahaf for the mood record. I'm glad that txmi directed me that site, @ least in the short term, it's interesting and I'm interested in keeping the chart up. Of course, that's likely to fall by the wayside @ the first blush of a depressive slide; I guess we'll all find out more or less together. For all I know, the entries will be the thing that keeps me hanging on when the dreaded drop comes. Yeah, when, not if. Well, that's enough of the streamin' relief for a short while. Maybe the kids will let me catch my breath tomorrow.. not likely. For a couple of days, they've been keen to play my video game for lots of points.
Late? Yeah, I suppose it is; it's after midnite, Sat imean Sun 3-17-09 @ 1209AM. I'm getting, honestly, a tad anxious to hear from txmi. It's been about five days since I sent her a pile of Ken.. specifically the geek stuff, and haven't heard back from her. On the plus side, I've heard from a couple of sources that I've got book(s) on the way thru' the mail. AND Ariel's sent pt 4 down for final touches and tweaks. It's a beauty, but who'd ever expect any less? Ahhhh.. what can I say? 123AM, I reckon iota put the Ambien in. The little crash seems like it came and went. I wept thru' the the end of Reparations early.. moped thru' a converse w/Nan.. well, I went all maudlin talking to her about Glynda leaving.. and then I let the untend send me running for the mask. I feel much better rc now about thru' the morrow and ibetcha I'll have the school stuff mostly under control by the socalled time I get under the mask Sunpm. W/a little somethinglike luck, Jen and I will get the gutters finished, too. I've kept the machine on most of the day hoping I'd hear from txmi.. didn't happen.. had a ..wooo head rush, yay Ambien.. um, had a good chat w/Tess. I guess it was good. I mean. well I seem to have spent a considerable portion of the converses w/Tess and Nan remembering the Brook. Well, what can I say, those was some rilly good days. It won't ever be the same. That old gang of mine has moved away.. except George. That's been.. comfortably constant; even thru' the intense weird that I wrought w/the geek. I think Glynda asked about that when we (she & I) were visiting in her room Thu or Fri.. whether he'd ever said anything about any of the .. stuff, either in real socalled time as it was happening or ref to how it got developed into the story. He hasn't. Friends, loves.. mindfucks and heart aches.
I think you're past ready to get masked.
I'm sure you're write, but I'd like to sit and see how long I can, um
sustain interest? I think THAT ship has sailed.
I want to know how long I can sit and seem to have fun w/the k'board..
wellemmesuggest dropping down into a frame and seein' how that goes.
Yeah I could go for that. You know we don't keep frames in the G spot. That means we'll hafta fetch one up from the Oh nine doc.
Well, if we MUST fetch one, it really only makes sense to bring a couple.
You are a fine one to be talking sense.. but we did get a nice array of frames brought over w/surprisingly little trouble.
We got a ten anna pair of fifteens.
I was really surprised to see the ten; I thought it'd been toasted a while ago.
well, if you're looking for a recommendation
I'm not.
Give the Ten a shot.
I think I want to paste the ten up.
I think I want to watch.
It looks so SMALL. Are you SURE that’s ten?
Rub it a bit, it'll get longer.
1) Got Joni playin' For Free. . good tune winding down w/that clarinet. it could be an alto sax. I think it's a clarinet. here comes the first
2) jump and it times out nicely w/the song shit. Maybe Journey, for sure something I don't recognize right away. It's no biggie. the point, i think i had one was that I was so definitely not ready to get to bed and be so close to Jen and fear that I'd cause her to
3) i'm pretty sure i missed the mark there.. somewhere. fretting about following my sweet
4) wife into bed and feeling unwelcomed there. Tough stuff that I'm not equipped to discuss.
5) well, THIS gig is past the halfway point, that oughta offer some relief. What it really does is make me want to go browsing in the archives
6) for a shit load of touchy angstish lines. There's Bowie.. Young Americans,
7) so, now you think you want to go play in the archives all night.
8) No, dude, that's not really in the field of possibilities. it's bedtime. find a good spot under the mask and come back for some early funs in five or
9) six hours. We'll be waiting. Hit your late Advair and move thataway.
10) line ten, eh. Yeah, that's the one we've been looking for. fine, make my good byes for me. Goodnite, Ken,
Hmmm, I'll try to remember that I've got that fifteen stuck down there.. it's a bit of an anomaly to have something like that hanging around the bottom of the compost spot. I s'pose that when I moved it from the oh nine it seemed like the thing to do. ANYHOW, it's TueAM and I'm in my c'room w/JUST a few min before the kids come in. Today's the first day in a plenty long time that I didn't chip the chill pill before leaving the house. It's a good day I reckon.. hope it stays mainly grand.
wow.. okay, gettin' kinda long but it'll move JUST fine ibetcha. Ahh, nevermind. I'm sittin' in a noisy classroom of my own making and not especially pleased about how I feel. Hmmm, How DO I feel? Not especially anxious, prob'ly a little bit. I guess I'd tab it as baseline on the mood chart.. and maybe run down a mild shot of depression 'cause I sure couldn't say it wasoris elation. The sleep number's going to be low again.. less than five. I don't mind but it gives easy rise to the escapist nap which always takes too long. I'm ready to start faking my thru' the untend.
Okay.. meds first. . and I want to go do the mood chart innabit. I was reaching for the clipboard.. the Auspi doc.. but elected to go for the rapid compost. I reckon I'm running a bit manic.. nice change from a tad depressed. Sleep's completely screwed, of course.. long, like three or four hour naps in the pm after school the past couple of days.. it's Thu 3-21-09, and very little snoozes after dark. For the charting purposes I'm calling it a combined five annahaf hours. Um what else. Oh yeah, contract got signed today; that oughta make Jen feel some better. Glynda signed, too I think.. JUST in case, "life is so unpredictable" she sed. I said YAY ! ! hope springs eternal. AND training day tomorrow, so no class, that oughta be great funs. Have all the untend taken care of.. oh yeah.. up last night getting the pile reduced to zero AND watched Brokeback Mountain w/Jen. Heh. If you don't know why that’s a grin.. yeah.. ask, I guess. In the relative here and now, I'm going to go outside and mess w/gutters and yard shit @ least 'til Jen comes home and makes me stop. The girls are @ the church, I think, getting VBS rooms(s) ready.
What must be shall be.. That's a certain text. Y'like that? It's Romeo and Juliet.. okay, Friar Lawrence to Julie in Act IV scene i. It seemed like a good place to start; I was thinking about Glynda and particularly the possibility, tho' certainly remote, that she'd be around next term. We finally got to sign contracts today and she signed, too, I think. It's way more likely that she'll NOT return.. but it's also pretty unlikely that I won't hear from her again after the end of school, a greater fear. What else is news? Well, there's the definite dearth of ink being run out. I set a few lines in Auspi @ Krishna's office Wedpm but I don't think I've touched the biggo n'book since I got it back from Glynda a couple of weeks ago.. got a training day t'morrow to keep me out of classes.. a holiday Mon. I'm counting on using a large part of that interval getting the first slow read of Ariel's pt4 done. Yeah buddy! By Satpm.. actually SatAM, I'd finished the first slow read AND sent it back.. now she's touched up the text.. mainly hitting the typos that distracted me.. and sent it back. So I could get in ANOTHER slow weepy read of Reparations before I go back to school, Tue. Maybe, it could happen. Hang on, despite working in the G spot, I'm going to open MediaPlayer and see if I can do this w/out breaking something. Y'know what.. I think I'll do the restart and then see how it goes.
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a spewed chunk out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been, gee I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullshit and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How fucked up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn fucked up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorrent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
So, I did a little distractive tasking, loading up the li'l mp3. For a little while that'll make the machine a bit more fun as I won't be having the MediaPlayer open and MAYBE the toy will run some better.. some faster. Still, it's nearly SUSPICIOUS that I've gone three days or so w/out a note coming into the box. I don't know that I've even had anything except MY notes coming in from the MoodTracker since Thupm.. spooky spooky.
And promises of someday make his dreams that's where the salt breeze swept in when I heard Circle Game thispm.. I've loaded it onto the mp3 and that's like the last line of the first or second verse.. the ten yr-old maybe.
Hang on, I know there's some stuff in the compost spot.. lemme go bring that in.
Damn, I don't when there's been a drought like this, but I'm sure it's happened once or twice before. No new messages. I -did- entice txmi in for ONE reply last night, but she couldn't be coaxed into sustaining the converse w/the needy maniac. And the slashette crew has completely ignored me since I sent my post out, um.. I think it was Thupm. RCnow it's Monpm and.. wow. I'm glad I bit that chill pill or I'd prob'ly NOT be faring too well.
WedAM and into a part of the sked that I truly despise, the fake block w/no exams, simply kids held in classrooms idly for a couple of hours. Today, my 5th period crew will spend nearly all day w/me, two hours in the morning (Senior exam sked) as well as their usual hour annahaf. I sent out a few "feeler" notes to see if any of my usual correspondents will chat me up. Yeah, sort of, George jumped in, and I caught, um, Martha @ home, -and- I've managed to draw Glynda in! So that was school. It was okay. Martha and I ran a couple of strings forth and back thirty times or so; she gave me plenty to read.
Would it be out of line for me to mention the naming thing?
Nah, I s'pose I noticed it, too. Martha.
Suddenly comfortable?
Umm.. not really. I think it has something to do w/the way the converse w/txmi developed. I can tell you for a fact that little bitty shit whips up the salt breeze.
Like today.
I don't thinxo. I oft' have cause to regret putting that phrase into Jen's vocab.. well, actually, I regret it every time I hear it. Oh well, it's nobody's fault but my own. Here sits Ken, tappin' the cool wireless on a Monpm. I got napped up and approved to take a couple of days. It'll make the sorry assed testing plan much easier to bear. AND if all goes well, the week will wrap w/a trip to New Orleans. Yay! I guess that's all the news I've go to impart.. days off, days on the road. My eyes are really tired despite napping for several hours on the couches. Let's suppose it's strain from playing w/the MediaPlayer; I filled a folder @ school and it seems that none of it made it home w/me.. oh ibetcha what happened izzat I copied the relative LAST playlist I'd made.. that's why none of the stuff I was looking for was in the folder and all the stuff I found in the folder had already been moved into the relative local library. Hmmph. Stoopid shit.
Stoopid shit DOES happen. I'm kinda halfway trying to see if I can charm the girls back home by sittin' @ the machine. Sometimes it works, especially if I've got a slashette it chat and almost assuredly if it's Tess. Lets see who's got lights on. Hmm, Tu. Haven't heard from HER in a while. I bet she'll answer the ding.. and probably w/in a minute or two.. if not then prob'ly not @ all. Well, I did my part Not much left, now, @ 930pm except to start getting ready for the AM. Coffee and cat's box anyway.. I don't plan to go in, in fact, I've already called the sub line, so I don't need to fret about a costume. I'll get up, get thru' the shower and take the truck down for an oil change and get those folk to look over the exhaust system. There seems to be a leak somewhere. Ah.. strike a formerly familiar pose.. feet up on the huge desk w/the k'board in my lap. The wireless is really good for that. So.. am I afraid of the noise or afraid of the quiet?
Why does it hafta be fear?
It's something Glynda suggested.
Ahhh, the wise one. Yeah, It's good to have her back, but.. well she's.
She says she's fine but she's not.. imean she.
What?
I dunno. It IS good to have her back where I can see her. Glynda was slippin' away before the tragedy, now she's nearly absent.. and I don't know how to bring her back. I suppose that she doesn't want to BE back.
You definitely need to get back into therapy. Yeah, I won't argue that point; the thing is, I don't know what I want to get from therapy.
Well, for a while, there's that hole that's going to open when school ends and you lose contact w/George and Glynda. And, y'know Glynda will be gone forever. Yeah, but ibetcha it'll be easier to bear than losing "her replacement."
You crack me up.
I'm glad you're so easily amused.
Sometimes it needs to be that way.
I could easily dope up and go to bed.
It'd probably be easier to get bedded rcnow than after the girls get back. I didn't and I haven't. I'm going to clip this chunk, close the spot and move to the relative actual em doc, oh nine.
And so I have, sort of. The relative actual thing refs to the way I've started keeping the "master" doc on my desktop and occasionally backing that version onto the j'drive. Yeah.. and the relative last time I tried to back up the files between the two j'drives I got seriously frustrated and it didn't get done. There's simply too much clutter.
FUCK ! ! I absolutely can't believe it's after 130AM again. Didn't this happen yesterday, too? Well, I s'pose that I'll load up the Dambien and try to follow the chemical trail into Slumberland. I know worse things have happened and now that I think about it, it's not even nearly the worst that's happened in.. ohh.. the last twelve hours.
Are you going to take the pill or not?
Yeah. How are we set for frames?
Frames, really, you want to mess w/THAT? Fine. Y'like the ten or fifteen?
I'll almost always pick the fifteen.
Ready when you are.
1) click. So Michelle finds that gesture distracting. Ahhh, that's JUST a shame. I'll tell y/what's distracting and that's what happens when you forget what's s'posed to be
2) going on and hit the return key instead. Yeah, that's less fun than usual.. MUCH less fun than usual. SO.. yeah.. so.. got the Stones in the shuffle Playin' w/Fire.
3) Or somethinglke that. Yeah and there's the shift.. the really slow shift. Sounds like maybe something live. I know this song. Yeah I bet you do. I can't pick it up yet.. can't immedia
4) whoops I missed my drop trying to identify the guitar. Ahh, it'll be all right. Could it be Zappa? I'm sure it could be,
5) but I kinda don't think so. It's more likely to be Satriani. Yeah, I could believe that. I may hafta give up a few seconds and bring up the MediaPlayer screen to see what's
6) going on. Yeah.. it took about a minute and it WAS Zappa. Now the Stones have come back w/Brown Sugar. This is not going to make a good read. Oh
7) please, if you haven't learned by NOW that it's not always going to be sparkling and erudite then you really are bound for .. well another load of disappointment and heartbreak.
8) Another? Have I already gone thru' that.. stuff? Um, don't bug me, I came to play and you seem to be bent on harshing my buzz, which reminds me
9) very little that you forgot to put the Dambien in and it's going go be after twoAM when we get done w/this exercise. Quit your
10) belly achin' the pill's in and Neil's on. Ibetcha can't name that tune. Yeah, sure I can, it's JUST gonna take a minnit or few 'til the tit rolls
11) around. I think it's prob'ly from the Living W/War thing.. Going Home. I think it's from Broken Arrow. You're
12) both wrong, it's Going Home, but it's from Are You Passionate. Wow, it doesn't sound like the other songs on that disc @ all. Heh, aint that great. One more reason to like the man.
13) yeah. I know I've listened to ..Passionate about a zillion times for Don't Tell and Mr Disappointment. And somehow got THAT sound all
14) associated w/the record.. so I didn't recognize this tune, which I sorta clearly know, as being from that collection. Do you recognize that the fifteenth line is looming near?
15) Yeah, very near.. like, write up on the assembled us. So.. yeah, that was fun, it nearly always is and I reckon that's why I keep doing it and
ding
and recommending it to others. And they seem NEVER to get it. Well, it's likely an acquired taste, like the anticonvention and if you don't do it a few times, then y'never acquire the taste for the wild and crazy funs found in or w/my toy.
You know what I want, now, doncha?
Yeah, you want to do the edit run and post this.
Wow, you know me so well. Why am I not surprised.
I think that was my line.
Oooh, there's Annie & Eurhythmics. .The King and Queen of America. That is SUCH a good tune.. we two are one she sed.
I don't see how I could ever lose sight of the inbox counter from the relative here in the compost spot, but it seems to happen regularly. I'll try to keep an eye on it for a while. The plan is to sit and fill a line or several in the drafty compose block of the Gspot. As I sit @ the huge desk, already not looking forward to the school gig in the morrow, the borders of this box seem quite well defined, but I sorta expect them to change. Maybe that suspicious shift comes when I close and reopen the hole. I can't stay long, it's 924pm; I'll be getting doped and crawling under the mask w/in the hour ibetcha. On the way to the gates of Slumberland, there are or is, almost of course the familiar trio of tasks.. coffee costume and cats' box that must be tended. That seldom takes more than 20min.. but I want to round up one of my plastic chess sets. I got a note from George indicating that my group won't be testing in the morrow. One of the guys, I'm certain, will bring his set and from what I've seen in past sessions, there's enough interest in the game to keep @ least half the room settled w/the supplemental set. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen; I made a search of the premises.. Jen helped.. and the spare chess men weren't found. Soooo, ireckoni will get the coffee and cat's box taken care of - I did the costume selection - and prepare to medicate and fade away. I hope for a 1030pm meet w/the mask. Okay, this is what I was talking about when I came in, I'm @ the relative bottom of the typing area, actually pushing the top few lines out of sight and I can still see the inbox thingy. I knew it was s'posed to work that way. I'm going to guess that on some previous visit to this spot, I'd scrolled too far down the page. By 1017pm the pill is in. That's probably a tiny bit later than i woulda picked or the 1030pm fade, but, really, any socalled time before elevenpm has to be regarded w/guarded optimism considering how much I've slept during the relative last two days and particularly in light of the fact that I've been out of bed for less than twelve hours today. Oh.. I forgot the pm meds.. let's go get that done, eh. Mmmmm, there's the dope, um, starting to muddle my synapses; I much confess that I like that distinctive and peculiar sensation. I've been hanging out in the G'spot in case a late mess from Txmi came in; I guess I'll use some of MY precious min to see if she's done another posting @ her blog w/out commenting on mine. It's such a petty complaint, I've been doing exactly the same thing @ LJ for a couple or three years.. posting and even actually browsing my Friends page w/out commenting. Alas, there's 1030pm and I'm feeling much inclined to get reclined for a few hours. Say good night, Ken.
g'nite, Ken.
Heh, watching the in spot from a room that's not my own. I sent out dings to George and.. Martha, but really, I'm not counting on either responding. My sweet wife went out, after I went to bed, and bought me a cheap chess/checkers/backgammon set. I've got some min between chess matches and lunch and.. well, you know how it is, this seemed like the thing to do. It's easier and less obtrusive than the ink stream. I know. I already tried the pen gig. Plus, it's easier for me to kinda keep an eye on what's going on in the room when I'm not "focused on the page." I came to play; I even brought the li'l mp3 which relative currently is running Dangerbird thru' the hedfones. I'm.. I guess I'm unnecessarily anxious; I prob'ly ought to medicate. It's the easy fix, Glynda would be appalled, let's not tell her. Ah crap.. got barely past tenAM and the group is starting to show maybe terminally restless indications. Hey, Martha dinged back. I may be able to get a truly distractive converse going for a li'l while. Hah! I stepped away to write a rr pass and when I came back I hit the spacebar to get back on track and it shifted the screen. Hang on M's responding..
Home sweet home. The pm shift was very nearly awful. I'm sure w/out the medicinal fortifications I'd installed early, it would been spectacularly unpleasant. But I got out and made it home so I can put my feet up on the huge desk and act like it never happened. In truth, it bodes ill for tomorrow and the whole process bodes ill for the chances of having NFHS around next year. There's no question, rcnow, that iota be working on apps for New Caney and (shudder) Humble. Crap. THAT is going to suck. I need to get a freakin' resume together in addition to the app scramble. I sooo don't want to be thinking about any of that shit. That's the kinda ideations that will send me running for the escape under the mask. How 'bout this.. I'll go have a bowl of cereal or chicken dumpings and then go play in the front yard for a while.. 'til Jen comes out and disturbs the meditation anyway.
Dude.
Ahhhh, don't start anything.
I was JUST sayin'..
I was JUST sayin' don't.
Fine, be that way.
I will; it is.
So, um, ready for bed?
Yeah, I think I've been ready for an hour or so but JUST got around to droppin' the pill.
I thought you told the page, earlier, that the manic had burned to a cusp.
Yeah, I prob'ly did say something like that but I also said that I'm not a reliable judge of what's going on w/how I feel.. plus, I'm waaaay tired after the ride home and not going to bed 'til after daybreak.
But it still seems to take the med to push you to the bed.
Let's JUST say I'm hedging my bets.
Okay, so when are you moving?
Write away, I reckon.
Wow, haven't done THIS in a while, typing into the oh nine file instead of putting in the thoughts on compost spot and moving it.. I had an Ambien in my hand a minute ago, I guess I swallowed it. That was the intent; it's 1043pm and I sorta wish I'd gotten to bed about an hour ago. I didn't get any of the stuff I'd wanted to do done this evening. I came in and napped for a couple of hours and then went Krogering w/Jen.. picked up some cheap chicken.. pretty much shot the time I might've used to update the gradebook online and see about some other school tasks. Man, I hate being in this place where all I seem to be able to think about is school when I'm not @ school.. and most especially @ or near bedtime. Oh well.. that's the way it is. I am still running kinda manic, that's sort of a source of concern. I get a little brittle, late, and that's what's prompted the observation that I'm on a cusp.. phase shifting.. I'm not pleased w/..me, I guess. I haven't been sharing w/the slashettes and they haven't been sharing w/me and.. I don't much care for that either. And.. now I'm.. well I don't want to say I'm fretting about having a post next year, but, honestly, that's really where the anxious is headed. There's faculty meeting tomorrowpm that ought to give somekinda answers, @ least it was touted that way in the announcements today. Ahh, there's the dope in my mind. That should provide the impetus to get the k'board out of my lap and my head under the mask innafew min. Maybe by elevenpm, about six min away.. almost for sure before 1115pm. Let's take some of the precious compost min and do a quick edrun and select a chunk to send to the slashettes.. see if I can get some converses started, maybe even get some texts comin' my way again. I've got a feeling.. a feeling deep inside, oh yeah.. I've got a feeling that I need to reach out to get out.
Ah... me. I got a note from George asking for more Ken. It kinda threw me for a loop because @ first I thought it was Tu making the request; she'd been the relative last responder on a mass mailing. Well, that's still way cool and I'm glad that SOMEONE wants to read my tired ramblings.
So I sent him a pile and a promise to send more, yay.
So, I'm wondering not really why I'm having such a hard time committing the albatross story to page or screen. Let's make the easy (and wrong) assumption that it's because it's ALL so well documented already. Okay, you don't like that one, how 'bout that thing about not being able to find a place to start.
I spent LOTSA min browsing the em archives, found the em tee trans doc which has been on my mind a lot as i struggle w/the bird thing and it, or they (there ARE two of them) are still very highly charged. I hope they always will be.. um, I went looking for an account of the cheap chicken tale. and didn't find that. I did find a helluva doc that'd been cheesed nicely I found plenty of stuff that reminds me what a terribly deep and complex story is the albatross. So that's the way that went. I'll maybe go back to the attempt I'd started in Auspicious. When I worked up the relative last grand funk, I was trying to get the tome run into those lines.
Feet up on the huge desk and expecting to fall over unconscious momentarily.. of course that's NOT going to happen. So, Auspi and oh nine are both @ or near 70 pgs. That might be a sign, as the edit we head for another likely breaking spot to start.. well, the noise is ALWAYS about combing the archives for the precious and germinal nuggets.. Maybe after I get Ariel's text shipped back. There's still a TON of stuff I want to do w/my c'room kids and Shakespeare. They're learning more than they could imagine about the structure of the plays and.. yeah.. When I get into the videogame ops, they really shine and MOST will pick up a couple hundred points JUST for paying attention. The game's a hit, but it always IS after the first show.
1) Let's try this.. I'm pretty sure that it's the fifteen min model and that I've got another one.. I know there's only ONE ten.. but let's all keep hoping for another min or few that this isn't it. Watching watching I guess that was the move
2) we'll pick that one, it's easier to see. Eleven got by and evidently, I'm not in bed or in the bedward mode.
3) I'm sure I could explain that if pressed, but suffice it to say that this STILL isn't the best medium to coax me into bed. The pen
4) is much better. Oh well. So.. t'morrow @ school.. remind all classes about the six weeks essay and pitch the deal one more time..all classes OUGHT to be playing the game for big points and
5) that seems to keep them scarily focused. . better go in w/a supplemental chip of the chill pill Everything works if you let it
6) Six.. I guess we'll make it. I'd nearly be glad to stop @ ten, except I know there's only one clean ten frame and I don't want to
7) be making another one. The Thu ought to go well, got the kids mostly excited about the game and the ones that are getting it are really good. The ones that are shaky @ least are good enough to get help from the more adroit stoonts and get it in time for the window to be open. It was thirty seconds for most of today, we'll go to 20 tomorrow and keep the points @ 20. I think some of these kids will MAKE their six weeks on the game. That's not awful.. it will give them somekinda understanding of the
8) whoops understanding of the narrative structure of the plays.
9) I'm glad it devised the tool and.. well, what can I say.. it works really really well for what I designed it to do. And here comes the moment of truth. It looks like
10) I may be in the solitary ten frame.. that's not the worst thing that's happened.. not even the worst that's happened today, but I will hafta create a new one if I want to do it again.
After midnight.. oh well. I had a couple of hours of nap.. I'll call it two and I might still get four annhaf hours of aided slumbers before heading out in the morrow. I'll call it six annahaf for the mood record. I'm glad that txmi directed me that site, @ least in the short term, it's interesting and I'm interested in keeping the chart up. Of course, that's likely to fall by the wayside @ the first blush of a depressive slide; I guess we'll all find out more or less together. For all I know, the entries will be the thing that keeps me hanging on when the dreaded drop comes. Yeah, when, not if. Well, that's enough of the streamin' relief for a short while. Maybe the kids will let me catch my breath tomorrow.. not likely. For a couple of days, they've been keen to play my video game for lots of points.
Late? Yeah, I suppose it is; it's after midnite, Sat imean Sun 3-17-09 @ 1209AM. I'm getting, honestly, a tad anxious to hear from txmi. It's been about five days since I sent her a pile of Ken.. specifically the geek stuff, and haven't heard back from her. On the plus side, I've heard from a couple of sources that I've got book(s) on the way thru' the mail. AND Ariel's sent pt 4 down for final touches and tweaks. It's a beauty, but who'd ever expect any less? Ahhhh.. what can I say? 123AM, I reckon iota put the Ambien in. The little crash seems like it came and went. I wept thru' the the end of Reparations early.. moped thru' a converse w/Nan.. well, I went all maudlin talking to her about Glynda leaving.. and then I let the untend send me running for the mask. I feel much better rc now about thru' the morrow and ibetcha I'll have the school stuff mostly under control by the socalled time I get under the mask Sunpm. W/a little somethinglike luck, Jen and I will get the gutters finished, too. I've kept the machine on most of the day hoping I'd hear from txmi.. didn't happen.. had a ..wooo head rush, yay Ambien.. um, had a good chat w/Tess. I guess it was good. I mean. well I seem to have spent a considerable portion of the converses w/Tess and Nan remembering the Brook. Well, what can I say, those was some rilly good days. It won't ever be the same. That old gang of mine has moved away.. except George. That's been.. comfortably constant; even thru' the intense weird that I wrought w/the geek. I think Glynda asked about that when we (she & I) were visiting in her room Thu or Fri.. whether he'd ever said anything about any of the .. stuff, either in real socalled time as it was happening or ref to how it got developed into the story. He hasn't. Friends, loves.. mindfucks and heart aches.
I think you're past ready to get masked.
I'm sure you're write, but I'd like to sit and see how long I can, um
sustain interest? I think THAT ship has sailed.
I want to know how long I can sit and seem to have fun w/the k'board..
wellemmesuggest dropping down into a frame and seein' how that goes.
Yeah I could go for that. You know we don't keep frames in the G spot. That means we'll hafta fetch one up from the Oh nine doc.
Well, if we MUST fetch one, it really only makes sense to bring a couple.
You are a fine one to be talking sense.. but we did get a nice array of frames brought over w/surprisingly little trouble.
We got a ten anna pair of fifteens.
I was really surprised to see the ten; I thought it'd been toasted a while ago.
well, if you're looking for a recommendation
I'm not.
Give the Ten a shot.
I think I want to paste the ten up.
I think I want to watch.
It looks so SMALL. Are you SURE that’s ten?
Rub it a bit, it'll get longer.
1) Got Joni playin' For Free. . good tune winding down w/that clarinet. it could be an alto sax. I think it's a clarinet. here comes the first
2) jump and it times out nicely w/the song shit. Maybe Journey, for sure something I don't recognize right away. It's no biggie. the point, i think i had one was that I was so definitely not ready to get to bed and be so close to Jen and fear that I'd cause her to
3) i'm pretty sure i missed the mark there.. somewhere. fretting about following my sweet
4) wife into bed and feeling unwelcomed there. Tough stuff that I'm not equipped to discuss.
5) well, THIS gig is past the halfway point, that oughta offer some relief. What it really does is make me want to go browsing in the archives
6) for a shit load of touchy angstish lines. There's Bowie.. Young Americans,
7) so, now you think you want to go play in the archives all night.
8) No, dude, that's not really in the field of possibilities. it's bedtime. find a good spot under the mask and come back for some early funs in five or
9) six hours. We'll be waiting. Hit your late Advair and move thataway.
10) line ten, eh. Yeah, that's the one we've been looking for. fine, make my good byes for me. Goodnite, Ken,
Hmmm, I'll try to remember that I've got that fifteen stuck down there.. it's a bit of an anomaly to have something like that hanging around the bottom of the compost spot. I s'pose that when I moved it from the oh nine it seemed like the thing to do. ANYHOW, it's TueAM and I'm in my c'room w/JUST a few min before the kids come in. Today's the first day in a plenty long time that I didn't chip the chill pill before leaving the house. It's a good day I reckon.. hope it stays mainly grand.
wow.. okay, gettin' kinda long but it'll move JUST fine ibetcha. Ahh, nevermind. I'm sittin' in a noisy classroom of my own making and not especially pleased about how I feel. Hmmm, How DO I feel? Not especially anxious, prob'ly a little bit. I guess I'd tab it as baseline on the mood chart.. and maybe run down a mild shot of depression 'cause I sure couldn't say it wasoris elation. The sleep number's going to be low again.. less than five. I don't mind but it gives easy rise to the escapist nap which always takes too long. I'm ready to start faking my thru' the untend.
Okay.. meds first. . and I want to go do the mood chart innabit. I was reaching for the clipboard.. the Auspi doc.. but elected to go for the rapid compost. I reckon I'm running a bit manic.. nice change from a tad depressed. Sleep's completely screwed, of course.. long, like three or four hour naps in the pm after school the past couple of days.. it's Thu 3-21-09, and very little snoozes after dark. For the charting purposes I'm calling it a combined five annahaf hours. Um what else. Oh yeah, contract got signed today; that oughta make Jen feel some better. Glynda signed, too I think.. JUST in case, "life is so unpredictable" she sed. I said YAY ! ! hope springs eternal. AND training day tomorrow, so no class, that oughta be great funs. Have all the untend taken care of.. oh yeah.. up last night getting the pile reduced to zero AND watched Brokeback Mountain w/Jen. Heh. If you don't know why that’s a grin.. yeah.. ask, I guess. In the relative here and now, I'm going to go outside and mess w/gutters and yard shit @ least 'til Jen comes home and makes me stop. The girls are @ the church, I think, getting VBS rooms(s) ready.
What must be shall be.. That's a certain text. Y'like that? It's Romeo and Juliet.. okay, Friar Lawrence to Julie in Act IV scene i. It seemed like a good place to start; I was thinking about Glynda and particularly the possibility, tho' certainly remote, that she'd be around next term. We finally got to sign contracts today and she signed, too, I think. It's way more likely that she'll NOT return.. but it's also pretty unlikely that I won't hear from her again after the end of school, a greater fear. What else is news? Well, there's the definite dearth of ink being run out. I set a few lines in Auspi @ Krishna's office Wedpm but I don't think I've touched the biggo n'book since I got it back from Glynda a couple of weeks ago.. got a training day t'morrow to keep me out of classes.. a holiday Mon. I'm counting on using a large part of that interval getting the first slow read of Ariel's pt4 done. Yeah buddy! By Satpm.. actually SatAM, I'd finished the first slow read AND sent it back.. now she's touched up the text.. mainly hitting the typos that distracted me.. and sent it back. So I could get in ANOTHER slow weepy read of Reparations before I go back to school, Tue. Maybe, it could happen. Hang on, despite working in the G spot, I'm going to open MediaPlayer and see if I can do this w/out breaking something. Y'know what.. I think I'll do the restart and then see how it goes.
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a spewed chunk out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been, gee I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullshit and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How fucked up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn fucked up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorrent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
So, I did a little distractive tasking, loading up the li'l mp3. For a little while that'll make the machine a bit more fun as I won't be having the MediaPlayer open and MAYBE the toy will run some better.. some faster. Still, it's nearly SUSPICIOUS that I've gone three days or so w/out a note coming into the box. I don't know that I've even had anything except MY notes coming in from the MoodTracker since Thupm.. spooky spooky.
And promises of someday make his dreams that's where the salt breeze swept in when I heard Circle Game thispm.. I've loaded it onto the mp3 and that's like the last line of the first or second verse.. the ten yr-old maybe.
Hang on, I know there's some stuff in the compost spot.. lemme go bring that in.
Damn, I don't when there's been a drought like this, but I'm sure it's happened once or twice before. No new messages. I -did- entice txmi in for ONE reply last night, but she couldn't be coaxed into sustaining the converse w/the needy maniac. And the slashette crew has completely ignored me since I sent my post out, um.. I think it was Thupm. RCnow it's Monpm and.. wow. I'm glad I bit that chill pill or I'd prob'ly NOT be faring too well.
WedAM and into a part of the sked that I truly despise, the fake block w/no exams, simply kids held in classrooms idly for a couple of hours. Today, my 5th period crew will spend nearly all day w/me, two hours in the morning (Senior exam sked) as well as their usual hour annahaf. I sent out a few "feeler" notes to see if any of my usual correspondents will chat me up. Yeah, sort of, George jumped in, and I caught, um, Martha @ home, -and- I've managed to draw Glynda in! So that was school. It was okay. Martha and I ran a couple of strings forth and back thirty times or so; she gave me plenty to read.
Would it be out of line for me to mention the naming thing?
Nah, I s'pose I noticed it, too. Martha.
Suddenly comfortable?
Umm.. not really. I think it has something to do w/the way the converse w/txmi developed. I can tell you for a fact that little bitty shit whips up the salt breeze.
Like today.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
gettin' there.. face fulla salt
I can tell you for a fact that little bitty shit whips up the salt breeze.
Like today.
Yeah, like today when she said I remember lunchin'..
And you sent back big grins that weren't there.
I was there.
And so you were. And poised to..
No, I would never again bring that up.
You need to, even if it's only in here.
It'd hafta be only in here and w/no chance of getting OUT of here.
Well, you have as much to do w/that as any of us.
So.. for the unrecord the breeze swept in and I was slightly tempted to cop to it.. tell her it hurts, still, when I think about such good times.
Dude, I feel for ya.
Your cheeks are wet, too.
Yeah, imagine that. So, I guess there's no getting over it.. over her.
And the hell of it is that there was, you know, only the .. what would you call it?
The weird. The stoopid voluntary heartbreak.. and there could never be anything else.
Yeah, that's the really amazing part. I knew it.. the stuff I felt, the weird in my head, could only exist, could only grow in my head.
Ha! Made a big fat lair out of all of us, eh.. it grew quite abundantly in my heart.
Yeah, funny how shit worx out.
Well, I reckon it was noble and admirable of you NOT to mention.. you know.
Yeah, plenty considerate not to say anything about the salt breeze or..
Yeah.
The hole. I, well.. I think I know that it never was "that way" for her and even if it HAD been, I'd like to think that both of us treasured the sanctity of our marriage(s) to never act on the .. impulse. But, @ the same time, I.. wonder. I kinda think it would give some much needed validation to my feelings if..
I think I understand.. sort of that whole mighta coulda been, if only.
If only.
What the fuck was THAT about?
The share? It JUST seemed like the thing to do @ the time.
I guess you've got to go over to MoodTracker and make that adjustment on your chart.
Oh, show the mix.
Yeah, gonna call that mild?
Why, do you want to chart it moderate?
Yeah, I'd go w/mod and mention the spike in the notes.
FINE, let's go do that distractive task now.
Feel better?
You know I don't. I came back thru' the G spot and, well, I was hoping that txmi had chimed in w/some sympathy and, not finding that, I was going to inflict my misery on Tu.. she had her writing on light earlier. BUT when I clicked the reveal, only..
Yeah.
And for JUST a second I thought it'd be okay to tell Martha that I was..
What a noble fella you've turned into thispm.
It doesn't make any sense to drag her down. The best she could do is run the refrain of "if you want me to quit.." and I can't do that and I truly couldn't bear telling her I need ..
You need..
I crave that tiny insubstantial contact we've got.
She'd say it's not inconsequential, offer assurances that my contribution is valued.
And keep me hanging on.
But that's not cruel.
I can't think of it that way. I've got to call ME masochistic. Oh shit, guess who JUST dinged in. I really can't take this. It's fight or flight; I'm fleeing the scene.
> On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 9:38 AM, wrote:
>> OMG.. absolutely loving Jess' present.
glad for the the big desk
ew ew ew
lol
She sed - - *snicker* Mock outrage does become you so
Kensed - - I'm glad you..
unnerstan
approve
get such giggles from my discomfiture
I do, too - -
And she replied - - It makes me smile just thinking about all the lunches we shared in your room and then in George's room, how carefully we brought him into that conversation. - -
IF there was such a thing as a trigger, that smile line would be it.. that's where the salt breeze swept in.
My reply - -ahhh, big grins.
I'm going to feed some of my peers some beefy rice-n-beans
taco/burritos this week and then do the big batcho breakfast tacos
this weekend for the ELA meet, prob'ly Mon.
AND try to get "book reports" from Glynda (Caught..) and Angela (Alliance). - -
And it was..so freakin normal.. so light
Yeah, now this.
Annit's elevenpm, um Wed. Testing, for my classes, starts tomorrow. I've got first and fourth. I had JUST enough time on my hands today to get some great reads and chats w/the celebrated authoress and JUST enough of that to invoke .. traumatic weeps. Yeah, go figure. And I s'pose I'm past ready to get bedward, but I'm gonna hold off a li'l bit and then hit the superfluous sleep aid. I reckon I feel like I need or maybe deserve some chemical funs. I didn't dope tho' annit's ThuAM. I've got two groups testing today, the first period Eng I class and the fourth p Eng II. Prob'ly the two best as far as coming in and getting settled. That's good, I'm still feeling a bit brittle. After three quarters of a Lorazepam tab, tho', brittle really isn't it.. I'm soft and melty, def ready for some nap.
I don't even know how to address what's happened in the interim. I s'pose the easiest thing is to say it's been a wild ride. A weekend that's made me wonder if the meds had completely forsaken me. Lemme try a little summary.. it's rc a quarter 'til fourAM, Sun. twenty-four hours ago I was a manic fool. Around nineAM Sat, I went down and when the nap set in it came HARD and I've only been out of bed, to get fed a couple of times, for about an hour or so.. well, I've been up since around 3AM. I don't remember how Fri went.. lessee, the girls were gone to get Megan, um, I probably went to bed early and got up around sixAM Sat. And stayed up. RCnow I feel mostly shitty and I know I need to get a couple of things done.. the last of the grading and cooking up the taco stuff. By fiveAM the grade task is largely in hand, yay. I'm going to take a chance on masking up for a while, hoping to get up, spray the yard and maybe get the cooking done.
Fuck this. Nearly midnite Mon.. when I look @ the account of the weekend, it seems ALL wrong. I guess I could go into the sent mail and find some evidence, but I'm thinking that Fri was the manic nite and after a couple hours sleep I got up Sat, mowed, went back to bed and stayed mainly there 'til tenpm or so Sun. I -did- get the spraying done SunAM.. went back to bed, got up and did the taco cook and wrap. Oh well, if it gets to be a REAL point of contention, I'm certain the ambitious archivist could sort it out. The faculty feed was good, it almost always is.
Tuepm, eh. JUST barely and I'm still in the c'room in the nearly quiet wake of the early dismissal. The powers that wannabe have directed the faculty we show up for a meeting in about ten min. I'll go. Of course I'll go. I'm not liking staying in the c'room. I've gotten et up w/ennui.. not liking anything very much. And.. anxious.. really really anxious. I chipped a chill pill and I'm sure it'll be a considerable challenge not to crawl under the mask when I get home.. I need to get a wrap on the grading task tonight.. it's not hard to imagine a scenario of going in and napping for several hours, counting on getting up and getting the grades knocked out. It sounds, frankly, like a recipe for disaster, but.. also quite familiar.. oh well.
Yeah, 1030pm, um Tue, the superfluous sleep aid's in. I've simply gotten tired of fucking around w/the grade task. it's all done on paper, it's the machine part that messin' w/me. I'll f'sure get over that, too. Mainly, I want to have the crapfest behind me and the only way that's going to happen is if I can work thru' the immediate problems getting necessary shit done. Yep, I can tell I'm heading RIGHT into some stoopid my life sucks stage. It doesn't of course; my life is mainly grand, but I'm going to be feeling like I don't deserve to share air w/.. anybody and do deserve all the perceived slights that I can possibly imagine. I'd like to say I'm looking forward to it, heh, but that really WOULD be crazy. No, I recognize that it's JUST one of those things and I'll hafta ride it out. Let's try riding out, this time, w/out tweaking the meds the way you have the relative last couple of times.
Socalled times.
Yeah, somethinglike that.
Yeah them, too.
WedAm, yeah, had to check, tho'.. I'm sofa king anxious. It can't be pretty AND the em ef Pentamation seems to be down.. non functioning.. keeping me from getting the last of the grades in. Definitely a day for the kids to be staying home.. somehow, I don't think it's going to work that way and ibetcha that a near majority of the stoonts in the bldg today came to see some bit of evil perpetrated. Maybe it's JUST the anxious talking.. well, f'sure it's the anxious talking. I took haffa tab of Lorazepam before I left the house.. after discovering the Pentamation's down.. that's double the usual chipped dose.
ThuAM.. before school up and feeling.. good, this is prob'ly close enough to normal. I'm not noticeably anxious.. a change from the relative last couple or four days.. and I don't feel the swing moving @ all. Maybe I can go in.. oh yeah, I haven't left the house yet.. and get stuff packed and maybe get enough signatures to pass for signed out. I'm in NO hurry to get in, that's for sure, so maybe there IS a tiny bit of anxious ness.. I haven't even started rounding up tape and stuff I know I'll want to take w/me.. markers.. maybe a box or two. I'm pretty sure I can find a box in the garage. I'm nearly certain that the school's not going to provide any of the stuff we'll need to make our necessary moves. Yup that's all it took to bring in the anxious; I reckon I'll chip the Lorazepam on the way into the shower and we'll see how it goes from there.
Okay.. @ the school rcnow @ tenAM been shuffled thru' a meeting or so and I've gotten one signature. Mostly I've gotten way much aggravated. I chomped haffatab of Lorazepam on the way in.. I could tell it was going to be that kind of a day. I have not been disappointed. I'm still anxious enough to jump out of my skin, but much looking forward to lunchin' w/George and Glynda.
Ans so went Wed.. no wait, that was Thu.. School hasn't been out a whole day and I can't keep 'em straight already. Oh well. So, lunch was good, of course. And almost of course, I didn't make substantial progress t'wards getting checked out. I figure I'll go in Mon and give it another shot. Maybe taking a couple or three days to "clear my head" and.. whatever will put me in a better headspace to get that shit done.
I had intended to come in w/an observation that writing into the compost spot in the gmail box has gotten to be the norm, rather than the exception for my oh nine entries; I'm sure there's a reason for that.
Wow. Oh, it's Reparation. I'm nearly done w/the third read and getting some serious weep. I don't mind. I've got another project or two I'd like to spend some socalled time on. I'm going to try to make an old doc more interesting.. JUST for fun and I want to get the ink stream flowing JUST to fill some pages. Anyhow, I came in mainly to let the salt breeze clear.
Mmm, okay.. that worked out all right I reckon. I'm done w/the read and it's been sent to.. Ariel.
Heh, that crax me up
Yeah?
Yeah, still can't do the naming thing.
Well, y'know it's Ariel's text.
You sent it to Martha.
Yeah. And in other news, I see that Ambien got reviewed in Rolling Stone. It seems that the fun is quite well documented. Well, no good deed goes unpunished.
Is s'pose that's one way to look @ it.
So, the pill's in.
Yeah.
The wait..
Yeah I'll try to sit thru the targeted fifteen min, oh did y'notice that RS also pointed to that window.. apparently it's a design thing.
Well, it sure comes on fast.
Yeah, and then the fun maybe unleashed.
Yeah, let the bum out.
Of course, I was already leaning t'wards the manic fool.
Yeah, and after you let this sleepy window close..
Which I'm about to do. Oh I'm also about to get bedward w/out taking the pm meds. I should go do that.
I think it can wait haffan hour or so.
Really, that long?
I don't think you're going anywhere.
Ohh kaaaay. Was there something you wanted to, um, discuss?
Huh? No, I simply like the chemical funs. Wanna beer?
That sounds like a really good thing.
So, go get the late meds and snag one of the last couple of brews. Aaand I'm back.
Are you doing that shit for, like, some theatrical effect.
Yeah, it's like a long spoken vowel.
Stop it.
Um, sure.. okay. I was saying, I'm back w/the beer, I got the Depakote in and the cited Ambien doze window's slammed shut.
Damn, dude, I guess you're on your own.
I'll be fine. Hey, since we're doping again, how 'bout a spit and..
What else could there be?
I'll think of something, go load the Cope.
You'd mentioned, earlier, an archival project.
I'm not sure I reffed it that way, but I know what you're talking about. The um, 14 pg mobi collage file.
Yeah, how's that coming?
When I got thru' w/the read, I kinda lost interest in going back in and doing the commentary.
Oh, stand by for some stoooooppid shit. I was going to put this in a separate doc, but it sorta fits and it's NOT like the Asupi page count is EVER going to catch up again. Okay, here's the intro.. Why I love her, still.
Use the name.
Martha. Okay, this takes a bit of set up.. in her rclatest fic there's a triangle brewing as best friends fall for the same fella. It's a BDSM tale and the fella is the designated sub. I won't go into the whole story line, @ the point coming thru' in the rc chapt, the one guy has only JUST realized he's falling for the fella his bf has already sorta claimed dibs on. This is going to take a bit of crafting.
Evan and Rhys are the BFs, Takoda the desig sub. After seven chapts of set up they have their first "session," Evan is the desi dom. It has to be that way, it's a plot point. So here's a couple of clips from the chapt, followed by some chat that came along as I was reading the chapt.
Evan pulled Takoda in front of him again, arms around his waist.
"For a good Dom, a session is all about the sub and what he needs," Evan said. "Rhys needed to be punished and absolved. I provided the punishment. You provided the absolution.
Evan was tempted to open his trousers and grind against Takoda's ass, but he was afraid that would be too much for his still wary sub. Next time, maybe. For now, he needed to work on proving that, in his sessions anyway, it was all about the sub.
Oh, the things he would teach Takoda if the sub were really his!
The thought shocked Evan so much he nearly took a step back. Only the knowledge that Takoda would surely fall if he did kept him in place. Shit. He'd been so worried about Takoda falling for him that he hadn't kept a tight enough rein on his own emotions. He pushed them away. He and Rhys had never poached on each other's preserves, and he'd seen the way Rhys reacted to a simple kiss from Takoda. They belonged together. Evan would just have to suck it up and remind himself what he was there for: to get Rhys and Takoda together the way they belonged.
It's all about the sub, he chanted silently as he forced his hands to keep moving, forced himself to act like nothing had changed.
me: all about the sub, eh
Ariel: yeah, that's the theme
and what Takoda has to come to believe
me: i can't tell you.. well i guess i shall.. how much it reminds me of all
about the work
snort
Ariel: :)
the little deceptions that let us go on with our lives
me: this is such a nice n hot chapt
brava!
Ariel: good
it was time to start turning up the heat a little
me: yeah.. I'll get back to you w/a note about a sect that kinda bogs down in
expo
Ariel: in this chapter?
or in one of the earlier ones?
me: nah, something I saw thisAM
Ariel: ok
And so it went, and so it goes. I didn't "feel" the giggly snort, but it had to come in to keep the salt breeze out. She knows. She knows I know she knows. There's no reason to put her in a position of justifying the.. shit I can't stay out of. Her line about little deceptions is way much familiar. So, I think I had a point and it's prob'ly the same one I didn't make the relative last time I clipped in some chat w/her.. maybe I did. How deftly the bull charges thru' that china shop and how little sweeping up needs done afterwards.
How little weeping up GETS done.
Oh.. you again.
It's been a day, eh.
Yeah, and heading into another @ oneAM Mon.. still feeding my ass to the ennui. It's probably not a good idea to take the child to the school t'morrow.
In the morrow, it's actually later today.
Whatever. YOU need to get some sleep.
I'd do that if you weren't in here playin' on the k'board.. and before this it was the page.
Maybe I've got something to say.
Do you?
I feel like crap.
That's kinda JUST too bad; I feel fine. I'm going in and moving some shit around and getting some stuff turned in to Glynda in exchange for signatures and if I can get signed off for keys and inventory or whateverthefuck Rivers thinks he needs then I'll be out in somethinglike a hurry.
Yeah? I think it'd be a hoot to take Hailey to eat lunch.
I think she'd get in the way of the conversations I want to have w/Glynda and 'gelita.
Think Glynda will have anything to say about the doc I put together for her?
I'm interested in whether she'll say she knew, she remembers or act surprised.
She's not gonna act surprised.
It's a, um, heady mix of sex and religion.
And it's very personal, the point to be made that she treated it kinda differently from the way Martha did.
Kinda.
Do you think she'll be interested in why the doc got assembled in the relative now?
Do you think she'll voice those interests or the theory that doubtlessly underpins it?
Ahhh, fella.. she says about as much as George does.
But I left the author's intent gate swinging wide and clattering loudly against the fence.
It's so obvious, tho', and you can't count on her to rise to being so almost evidently baited.
Well, there's no question that I don't want to have that converse in front of Hailey. It goes, or could go, too many places that are too weird for her to see.
You should definitely shut up and go to bed. I saw a yawn.
Yeah, I should go get under the mask.
Go on, we'll be fine.
Excuse me?
Really you'll rest better w/out us in there.
Yawn. I'll JUST sorta curl up in that corner and go when y'all get ready.
Think he's out?
Yeah, he's a big fan of naps; he's down for @ least haffan hour.
Is it mean to be considering ways to get out w/out the perfect child?
No more wrong than going in w/no intent of getting stuff done properly,
Well, all I know for sure izzat I'm JUSTabout terminally unenthused about getting in and out.
Part of it is that funked up room assignment mess.
It's a mess, that's f'sure.
And then there's the
Stepped away and lost that one, didn't you?
I think I was going for a reminder about being et up w/ennui and kinda not givin' haffa crap whether it's done right or to specs or anyone's satisfaction.
I noticed that you deleted the Yeah doc we crafted for Glynda.
It got sent, if you want a copy, it's in the sent mail pile.
I only wanted to mention that I put a doc together and got it out.
Yay, you.
I
Five.
What?
Five of seven lines beginning w/that pronoun.
There, I fixed a typo, bring the abhorrent average down a bit. The doc I pasted up for Glynda.. that's sort of a present, a reminder of the huge space she has or had in my life.
Like today.
Yeah, like today when she said I remember lunchin'..
And you sent back big grins that weren't there.
I was there.
And so you were. And poised to..
No, I would never again bring that up.
You need to, even if it's only in here.
It'd hafta be only in here and w/no chance of getting OUT of here.
Well, you have as much to do w/that as any of us.
So.. for the unrecord the breeze swept in and I was slightly tempted to cop to it.. tell her it hurts, still, when I think about such good times.
Dude, I feel for ya.
Your cheeks are wet, too.
Yeah, imagine that. So, I guess there's no getting over it.. over her.
And the hell of it is that there was, you know, only the .. what would you call it?
The weird. The stoopid voluntary heartbreak.. and there could never be anything else.
Yeah, that's the really amazing part. I knew it.. the stuff I felt, the weird in my head, could only exist, could only grow in my head.
Ha! Made a big fat lair out of all of us, eh.. it grew quite abundantly in my heart.
Yeah, funny how shit worx out.
Well, I reckon it was noble and admirable of you NOT to mention.. you know.
Yeah, plenty considerate not to say anything about the salt breeze or..
Yeah.
The hole. I, well.. I think I know that it never was "that way" for her and even if it HAD been, I'd like to think that both of us treasured the sanctity of our marriage(s) to never act on the .. impulse. But, @ the same time, I.. wonder. I kinda think it would give some much needed validation to my feelings if..
I think I understand.. sort of that whole mighta coulda been, if only.
If only.
What the fuck was THAT about?
The share? It JUST seemed like the thing to do @ the time.
I guess you've got to go over to MoodTracker and make that adjustment on your chart.
Oh, show the mix.
Yeah, gonna call that mild?
Why, do you want to chart it moderate?
Yeah, I'd go w/mod and mention the spike in the notes.
FINE, let's go do that distractive task now.
Feel better?
You know I don't. I came back thru' the G spot and, well, I was hoping that txmi had chimed in w/some sympathy and, not finding that, I was going to inflict my misery on Tu.. she had her writing on light earlier. BUT when I clicked the reveal, only..
Yeah.
And for JUST a second I thought it'd be okay to tell Martha that I was..
What a noble fella you've turned into thispm.
It doesn't make any sense to drag her down. The best she could do is run the refrain of "if you want me to quit.." and I can't do that and I truly couldn't bear telling her I need ..
You need..
I crave that tiny insubstantial contact we've got.
She'd say it's not inconsequential, offer assurances that my contribution is valued.
And keep me hanging on.
But that's not cruel.
I can't think of it that way. I've got to call ME masochistic. Oh shit, guess who JUST dinged in. I really can't take this. It's fight or flight; I'm fleeing the scene.
> On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 9:38 AM,
>> OMG.. absolutely loving Jess' present.
glad for the the big desk
ew ew ew
lol
She sed - - *snicker* Mock outrage does become you so
Kensed - - I'm glad you..
unnerstan
approve
get such giggles from my discomfiture
I do, too - -
And she replied - - It makes me smile just thinking about all the lunches we shared in your room and then in George's room, how carefully we brought him into that conversation. - -
IF there was such a thing as a trigger, that smile line would be it.. that's where the salt breeze swept in.
My reply - -ahhh, big grins.
I'm going to feed some of my peers some beefy rice-n-beans
taco/burritos this week and then do the big batcho breakfast tacos
this weekend for the ELA meet, prob'ly Mon.
AND try to get "book reports" from Glynda (Caught..) and Angela (Alliance). - -
And it was..so freakin normal.. so light
Yeah, now this.
Annit's elevenpm, um Wed. Testing, for my classes, starts tomorrow. I've got first and fourth. I had JUST enough time on my hands today to get some great reads and chats w/the celebrated authoress and JUST enough of that to invoke .. traumatic weeps. Yeah, go figure. And I s'pose I'm past ready to get bedward, but I'm gonna hold off a li'l bit and then hit the superfluous sleep aid. I reckon I feel like I need or maybe deserve some chemical funs. I didn't dope tho' annit's ThuAM. I've got two groups testing today, the first period Eng I class and the fourth p Eng II. Prob'ly the two best as far as coming in and getting settled. That's good, I'm still feeling a bit brittle. After three quarters of a Lorazepam tab, tho', brittle really isn't it.. I'm soft and melty, def ready for some nap.
I don't even know how to address what's happened in the interim. I s'pose the easiest thing is to say it's been a wild ride. A weekend that's made me wonder if the meds had completely forsaken me. Lemme try a little summary.. it's rc a quarter 'til fourAM, Sun. twenty-four hours ago I was a manic fool. Around nineAM Sat, I went down and when the nap set in it came HARD and I've only been out of bed, to get fed a couple of times, for about an hour or so.. well, I've been up since around 3AM. I don't remember how Fri went.. lessee, the girls were gone to get Megan, um, I probably went to bed early and got up around sixAM Sat. And stayed up. RCnow I feel mostly shitty and I know I need to get a couple of things done.. the last of the grading and cooking up the taco stuff. By fiveAM the grade task is largely in hand, yay. I'm going to take a chance on masking up for a while, hoping to get up, spray the yard and maybe get the cooking done.
Fuck this. Nearly midnite Mon.. when I look @ the account of the weekend, it seems ALL wrong. I guess I could go into the sent mail and find some evidence, but I'm thinking that Fri was the manic nite and after a couple hours sleep I got up Sat, mowed, went back to bed and stayed mainly there 'til tenpm or so Sun. I -did- get the spraying done SunAM.. went back to bed, got up and did the taco cook and wrap. Oh well, if it gets to be a REAL point of contention, I'm certain the ambitious archivist could sort it out. The faculty feed was good, it almost always is.
Tuepm, eh. JUST barely and I'm still in the c'room in the nearly quiet wake of the early dismissal. The powers that wannabe have directed the faculty we show up for a meeting in about ten min. I'll go. Of course I'll go. I'm not liking staying in the c'room. I've gotten et up w/ennui.. not liking anything very much. And.. anxious.. really really anxious. I chipped a chill pill and I'm sure it'll be a considerable challenge not to crawl under the mask when I get home.. I need to get a wrap on the grading task tonight.. it's not hard to imagine a scenario of going in and napping for several hours, counting on getting up and getting the grades knocked out. It sounds, frankly, like a recipe for disaster, but.. also quite familiar.. oh well.
Yeah, 1030pm, um Tue, the superfluous sleep aid's in. I've simply gotten tired of fucking around w/the grade task. it's all done on paper, it's the machine part that messin' w/me. I'll f'sure get over that, too. Mainly, I want to have the crapfest behind me and the only way that's going to happen is if I can work thru' the immediate problems getting necessary shit done. Yep, I can tell I'm heading RIGHT into some stoopid my life sucks stage. It doesn't of course; my life is mainly grand, but I'm going to be feeling like I don't deserve to share air w/.. anybody and do deserve all the perceived slights that I can possibly imagine. I'd like to say I'm looking forward to it, heh, but that really WOULD be crazy. No, I recognize that it's JUST one of those things and I'll hafta ride it out. Let's try riding out, this time, w/out tweaking the meds the way you have the relative last couple of times.
Socalled times.
Yeah, somethinglike that.
Yeah them, too.
WedAm, yeah, had to check, tho'.. I'm sofa king anxious. It can't be pretty AND the em ef Pentamation seems to be down.. non functioning.. keeping me from getting the last of the grades in. Definitely a day for the kids to be staying home.. somehow, I don't think it's going to work that way and ibetcha that a near majority of the stoonts in the bldg today came to see some bit of evil perpetrated. Maybe it's JUST the anxious talking.. well, f'sure it's the anxious talking. I took haffa tab of Lorazepam before I left the house.. after discovering the Pentamation's down.. that's double the usual chipped dose.
ThuAM.. before school up and feeling.. good, this is prob'ly close enough to normal. I'm not noticeably anxious.. a change from the relative last couple or four days.. and I don't feel the swing moving @ all. Maybe I can go in.. oh yeah, I haven't left the house yet.. and get stuff packed and maybe get enough signatures to pass for signed out. I'm in NO hurry to get in, that's for sure, so maybe there IS a tiny bit of anxious ness.. I haven't even started rounding up tape and stuff I know I'll want to take w/me.. markers.. maybe a box or two. I'm pretty sure I can find a box in the garage. I'm nearly certain that the school's not going to provide any of the stuff we'll need to make our necessary moves. Yup that's all it took to bring in the anxious; I reckon I'll chip the Lorazepam on the way into the shower and we'll see how it goes from there.
Okay.. @ the school rcnow @ tenAM been shuffled thru' a meeting or so and I've gotten one signature. Mostly I've gotten way much aggravated. I chomped haffatab of Lorazepam on the way in.. I could tell it was going to be that kind of a day. I have not been disappointed. I'm still anxious enough to jump out of my skin, but much looking forward to lunchin' w/George and Glynda.
Ans so went Wed.. no wait, that was Thu.. School hasn't been out a whole day and I can't keep 'em straight already. Oh well. So, lunch was good, of course. And almost of course, I didn't make substantial progress t'wards getting checked out. I figure I'll go in Mon and give it another shot. Maybe taking a couple or three days to "clear my head" and.. whatever will put me in a better headspace to get that shit done.
I had intended to come in w/an observation that writing into the compost spot in the gmail box has gotten to be the norm, rather than the exception for my oh nine entries; I'm sure there's a reason for that.
Wow. Oh, it's Reparation. I'm nearly done w/the third read and getting some serious weep. I don't mind. I've got another project or two I'd like to spend some socalled time on. I'm going to try to make an old doc more interesting.. JUST for fun and I want to get the ink stream flowing JUST to fill some pages. Anyhow, I came in mainly to let the salt breeze clear.
Mmm, okay.. that worked out all right I reckon. I'm done w/the read and it's been sent to.. Ariel.
Heh, that crax me up
Yeah?
Yeah, still can't do the naming thing.
Well, y'know it's Ariel's text.
You sent it to Martha.
Yeah. And in other news, I see that Ambien got reviewed in Rolling Stone. It seems that the fun is quite well documented. Well, no good deed goes unpunished.
Is s'pose that's one way to look @ it.
So, the pill's in.
Yeah.
The wait..
Yeah I'll try to sit thru the targeted fifteen min, oh did y'notice that RS also pointed to that window.. apparently it's a design thing.
Well, it sure comes on fast.
Yeah, and then the fun maybe unleashed.
Yeah, let the bum out.
Of course, I was already leaning t'wards the manic fool.
Yeah, and after you let this sleepy window close..
Which I'm about to do. Oh I'm also about to get bedward w/out taking the pm meds. I should go do that.
I think it can wait haffan hour or so.
Really, that long?
I don't think you're going anywhere.
Ohh kaaaay. Was there something you wanted to, um, discuss?
Huh? No, I simply like the chemical funs. Wanna beer?
That sounds like a really good thing.
So, go get the late meds and snag one of the last couple of brews. Aaand I'm back.
Are you doing that shit for, like, some theatrical effect.
Yeah, it's like a long spoken vowel.
Stop it.
Um, sure.. okay. I was saying, I'm back w/the beer, I got the Depakote in and the cited Ambien doze window's slammed shut.
Damn, dude, I guess you're on your own.
I'll be fine. Hey, since we're doping again, how 'bout a spit and..
What else could there be?
I'll think of something, go load the Cope.
You'd mentioned, earlier, an archival project.
I'm not sure I reffed it that way, but I know what you're talking about. The um, 14 pg mobi collage file.
Yeah, how's that coming?
When I got thru' w/the read, I kinda lost interest in going back in and doing the commentary.
Oh, stand by for some stoooooppid shit. I was going to put this in a separate doc, but it sorta fits and it's NOT like the Asupi page count is EVER going to catch up again. Okay, here's the intro.. Why I love her, still.
Use the name.
Martha. Okay, this takes a bit of set up.. in her rclatest fic there's a triangle brewing as best friends fall for the same fella. It's a BDSM tale and the fella is the designated sub. I won't go into the whole story line, @ the point coming thru' in the rc chapt, the one guy has only JUST realized he's falling for the fella his bf has already sorta claimed dibs on. This is going to take a bit of crafting.
Evan and Rhys are the BFs, Takoda the desig sub. After seven chapts of set up they have their first "session," Evan is the desi dom. It has to be that way, it's a plot point. So here's a couple of clips from the chapt, followed by some chat that came along as I was reading the chapt.
Evan pulled Takoda in front of him again, arms around his waist.
"For a good Dom, a session is all about the sub and what he needs," Evan said. "Rhys needed to be punished and absolved. I provided the punishment. You provided the absolution.
Evan was tempted to open his trousers and grind against Takoda's ass, but he was afraid that would be too much for his still wary sub. Next time, maybe. For now, he needed to work on proving that, in his sessions anyway, it was all about the sub.
Oh, the things he would teach Takoda if the sub were really his!
The thought shocked Evan so much he nearly took a step back. Only the knowledge that Takoda would surely fall if he did kept him in place. Shit. He'd been so worried about Takoda falling for him that he hadn't kept a tight enough rein on his own emotions. He pushed them away. He and Rhys had never poached on each other's preserves, and he'd seen the way Rhys reacted to a simple kiss from Takoda. They belonged together. Evan would just have to suck it up and remind himself what he was there for: to get Rhys and Takoda together the way they belonged.
It's all about the sub, he chanted silently as he forced his hands to keep moving, forced himself to act like nothing had changed.
me: all about the sub, eh
Ariel: yeah, that's the theme
and what Takoda has to come to believe
me: i can't tell you.. well i guess i shall.. how much it reminds me of all
about the work
snort
Ariel: :)
the little deceptions that let us go on with our lives
me: this is such a nice n hot chapt
brava!
Ariel: good
it was time to start turning up the heat a little
me: yeah.. I'll get back to you w/a note about a sect that kinda bogs down in
expo
Ariel: in this chapter?
or in one of the earlier ones?
me: nah, something I saw thisAM
Ariel: ok
And so it went, and so it goes. I didn't "feel" the giggly snort, but it had to come in to keep the salt breeze out. She knows. She knows I know she knows. There's no reason to put her in a position of justifying the.. shit I can't stay out of. Her line about little deceptions is way much familiar. So, I think I had a point and it's prob'ly the same one I didn't make the relative last time I clipped in some chat w/her.. maybe I did. How deftly the bull charges thru' that china shop and how little sweeping up needs done afterwards.
How little weeping up GETS done.
Oh.. you again.
It's been a day, eh.
Yeah, and heading into another @ oneAM Mon.. still feeding my ass to the ennui. It's probably not a good idea to take the child to the school t'morrow.
In the morrow, it's actually later today.
Whatever. YOU need to get some sleep.
I'd do that if you weren't in here playin' on the k'board.. and before this it was the page.
Maybe I've got something to say.
Do you?
I feel like crap.
That's kinda JUST too bad; I feel fine. I'm going in and moving some shit around and getting some stuff turned in to Glynda in exchange for signatures and if I can get signed off for keys and inventory or whateverthefuck Rivers thinks he needs then I'll be out in somethinglike a hurry.
Yeah? I think it'd be a hoot to take Hailey to eat lunch.
I think she'd get in the way of the conversations I want to have w/Glynda and 'gelita.
Think Glynda will have anything to say about the doc I put together for her?
I'm interested in whether she'll say she knew, she remembers or act surprised.
She's not gonna act surprised.
It's a, um, heady mix of sex and religion.
And it's very personal, the point to be made that she treated it kinda differently from the way Martha did.
Kinda.
Do you think she'll be interested in why the doc got assembled in the relative now?
Do you think she'll voice those interests or the theory that doubtlessly underpins it?
Ahhh, fella.. she says about as much as George does.
But I left the author's intent gate swinging wide and clattering loudly against the fence.
It's so obvious, tho', and you can't count on her to rise to being so almost evidently baited.
Well, there's no question that I don't want to have that converse in front of Hailey. It goes, or could go, too many places that are too weird for her to see.
You should definitely shut up and go to bed. I saw a yawn.
Yeah, I should go get under the mask.
Go on, we'll be fine.
Excuse me?
Really you'll rest better w/out us in there.
Yawn. I'll JUST sorta curl up in that corner and go when y'all get ready.
Think he's out?
Yeah, he's a big fan of naps; he's down for @ least haffan hour.
Is it mean to be considering ways to get out w/out the perfect child?
No more wrong than going in w/no intent of getting stuff done properly,
Well, all I know for sure izzat I'm JUSTabout terminally unenthused about getting in and out.
Part of it is that funked up room assignment mess.
It's a mess, that's f'sure.
And then there's the
Stepped away and lost that one, didn't you?
I think I was going for a reminder about being et up w/ennui and kinda not givin' haffa crap whether it's done right or to specs or anyone's satisfaction.
I noticed that you deleted the Yeah doc we crafted for Glynda.
It got sent, if you want a copy, it's in the sent mail pile.
I only wanted to mention that I put a doc together and got it out.
Yay, you.
I
Five.
What?
Five of seven lines beginning w/that pronoun.
There, I fixed a typo, bring the abhorrent average down a bit. The doc I pasted up for Glynda.. that's sort of a present, a reminder of the huge space she has or had in my life.
The end of the trail
Yeah, that tile MAY be a little misleading. What I mean izzat this postis the last of the four whichwraps an as-yet-unnamed series. This COULD be especially confusing, depends on when the random you sees it because the other three may not be up yet. Relativity, what a context.
Seven of five.
What?
Seven of five lines beginning w/that pronoun.
There, I fixed a typo, bring the abhorrent average down a bit. The doc I pasted up for Glynda.. that's sort of a present, a reminder of the huge space she has or had in my life.
Okay. It's twoAM, can we go to bed?
Sure, lemme do the creepy mess check thing @ gmail.
You don't even hafta look @ that screen, you can see from the li'l tile thingy up there that there's no new mail.
Cool, let's turn everything off and get a clean mask.
JUSTabout twenty-four or five hours gets by and I've done the Ambien drop again. I did manage to get up to the school and finish packing, but didn't get any signatures on my page.. had lunch w/Glynda, George and his mom. That was real good. So the dope's running in, again.
Yep, there it goes.
I spent the relative last hour or so building a playlist for the MediaPlayer. It kept doing some stoopid thing of running a shortlist of alleged favorites, so I built a list that'd run slightly over twenty-four hours of tunes that I really don't mind hearing. And I'll very probably put some more on my list.
Of course the prob w/doing something like that izzat then I don't hear much I don't already know.. unless I make a conscious effort to put unfamiliar tunes on the list. Earlier, much earlier, I guess, I sorta cajoled
Tess
Martha
Yeah, that one
Got her to accept a load or few of spew.
She'd mentioned, earlier still, getting the occasional grin from seeing JUST in the spew.. and then noted that she'd prob'ly NOT seen some of the material I put together for Glynda last night. So I mentioned that there was prob'ly around fifty pages in the rc em journal she hadn't seen. She said ship it and we kinda agreed to move it chunks of ten or so pages. We'll see how it goes. I sorta feel like it's a disservice to her to.. inflict my crap on her, but.. well, I guess I was in on of those moods.. guess I've been in one of those moods for a while. I reckon we'll all find our more or less together how it goes. It'll take to the second installment before she gets a shot of my lingering angst but after that, I don't think there'll be a single installment w/out some of it. It's .. it's mean and I expect that if she's still reading when this line comes down the pipe, she'll agree. Even w/the Ambien in, tho', I don't think I'm fixin' to "share" why I think I've taken that tack.. why I gotten that bent. I think the real ness izzat I'm still getting to play in her text, she seems still to appreciate my efforts.. and that part is so much fun, still. It's very probably reasonable to say that's the part that has always been a reliable grin. The work. Can y'see me smilin'? I am. It's all about the work. The fun stuff, the delight, the openness and sharing.. all about the work. So, I really need to go get under the mask for a few hours. I seem to have turned the psychic corner, back up manic avenue out of the creepy brittle cul-de-sac w/out falling thru' the crust. Yay. It's been a week. I've mentioned to more than a couple of the lady folk that I'm feeling much like the meds are NOT helping, that my mental state was a whole lot like it is rcnow many years ago.. that I can't tell that taking the chemicals is or are improving the quality of my life.
Do you want to talk quality of life?
I don't want to get sucked into that pseudo topic you've got hiding under the bar.
Well, how about a Guinness on top of the bar.
That, I could get interested in.
Is it out of the question that you're faking peace of mind out of the goodness of your heart? I want some socalled time and some alleged answers.
I'll give you fifteen min.
Why are you acting like you're going to freak Martha out when she sees that you're sill carrying a torch?
It's not really old news.
And we don't want it to stop.
What's the best case scenario? Zzzzzi thinkit would be heavenly to be quartered someplace a timezone or few from familiar entanglements and see how freakin' congenial we can be and get some fab fics produced. Y'see, I need for it to STAY all about the work. It can't happen. It can't happen simply because of the heart-rending distance.. the proposed proximity would be ever so much destructive. There area LOT of little things, mainly connected to or derived from her appearance that would simply kill me.
It would be fine; she would not, could not take you any place you don't already know how to go. There could be no follow that butt the gleaming smile flashed back over the shoulder to folfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffk
I think we've seen THAT before and JUST as I was anticipating the Find the Cost of Freedom to Ohio tunes shift.. and I dozed off. Let's presume that's a good sign that we can get to bed.. certainly ahead of four-thirty.. So, I'm feelin' mostly good but in that space where I'm wondering why I'm taking a buncha powerful meds that aren't even especially fun to play w/. Yeah, let's go to bed. There's Sinatra w/Summer Breeze.
Ambien funs, eh? I'm amused, I guess.. can't, honestly, say amazed. ..no place you don't already know how to go, hesed. Anni don't even wonder (and you shouldn't, either) where the follow went. Wednesday has come and mostly went w/out going to the school.
It's ONLY 423pm.
Late enough to safely presume there'll be no trip in for signatures. Steven says Glynda's about to be unavailable for an extended period. Um, excuse me folk, I'm going to shut it down for a relative while and investigate some kitchen funs.
Hey, when y'get back, consider doing the refrigerator roulette account you I we tumbled while sittin' and eatin'.
Maybe.. it was really only some thing to tap out and send to the gals.
But it's still a fine notion.
Sigh.
What?
Oh, you know.. wanting to feel.. idunno, better, I guess.
I'm going to send you back into the archives. I want to find that bitto stray hot chocolate and put it in the 'creep' file.
Ah, an errand, that sounds.. distractive. Well, that didn't work out. Can't remember where I saw it and I can't find it. Aint that the way it has to go? Speakin' of which.. it looks like Word probs is fixin' to cause me considerable anguish.
Hang on, hesed, there's a context bump looming.
.. .. I excised twelve pages I wrote @ Amber's, it's mostly Ambien funs. Some of it will probably come back in.
Yup, here we go.. some of the lines from the stay @ the crazy sis-in-law's.
> > Crap. I'm guessin' that I went to bed w/out doing a good save and.. well, some spew got lost. That's JUST a shame. The family unit has travelled to Amber's, it's Fri 6-12-09, we got in around ninepm yesterday. I'm certain that @ 330AM I was sittin @ BethAMber's kitchen table playing in the Ambien creep, but that stuff is conspicuously absent. Oh well. I probably had some good fun and ibetcha I do it s'more, maybe tonight. I am, I admit, much too fond of the amnesiac trippin'. Meanwhile, I'm very glad to have time to play and.. be left mostly alone. What's news? I've begun reading Uncle Tom's Cabin. I'm doing the maybe final trek thru' Reparations.. Ariel's pt4. Hang on I'm starting MediaPlayer. We left K'wood in a relative rush and last night I was thinking that I'd have @ least one "worried" message from txmi when we get back; that's rc slated to be late tomorrow, prob'ly early SunAM. The days off-line will put a gap in my MoodTracker chart, but I think I'll be able to go in and edit it. Soo, I need to log in those entries, here, I guess. Um let's presume I did Thu's before we left. .chart Fri as a notch above baseline w/6.5 hours sleep, no noted irritability or anxious.
I was wishing last night that I'd enlisted Tess to go in and make simple entries so that @ least there'd be something TO edit. I think, tho' that I can fix dates to let me go in and close the mentioned gap. I'm pretty sure I've availed that function on one other occasion when I let a day get by w/out an entry. Very prob'ly the desire to get Tess involved is exactly that, a desire to get Tess involved. High ho. Do I smell salt?
I dunno man.. y'wanna also mention the ttto? R Palmer Bad Case..
I really DON'T know why you'd want to.
Yeah, well, it's.. something I do. JUST.. showin' off, I guess.
Yeah, well..
Yeah?
Nothing. If that's what you want to do, I guess it's fine.
This is..
This is what?
This is the kinda stuff that keeps me medicating.
Well, chip the chill pill and drift out to the social area, briefly. Don't forget to do the save.
I went out and had a slice of pizza. Coming back in, I was thinkin' maybe iota switch media; I'd like to run the page count up in Auspi. But the machine's on and I like the rapid compost eve, maybe especially when I don't have an objective.
Heh, that's the usual state of things. I think you sorta get inclined to switch media as a comfort shufflin' mechanism, as often as not.
I won't argue that point. Merry's coming in.
Not right away. It'll be a couple or three hours.
We could get stupid again.
Yes, but that would be wrong.
Oh, you -Do- crack me up.
JUST don't forget to do a good save.
Yeah, whatever.. 455pm.
Don't you. Imean I know you do but.. addiction.
Well, it's a risk, f'sure, but y'know that I think I can mess w/it and not go there.
Manics are Not known for making good decisions.
I know and I recognize that I'm definitely doing that risk taking thing.. and enjoying it ever so much.
Sounds manic to me.
Dude, doncha wish we coulda kept what we did last night?
Technically it was thisAM, but sure, imean, almost obviously we COULDA kept it.
Yeah I wonder why it didn't get saved. There's notes in the inked lines about getting bed ward around 539AM.. and I do have definite memories of noting time in THIS doc @ threeAM and a quarter 'til four..
But none of it's still here.
Nope.
Maybe there's some relic in hanging around as a recovered doc.
I'll try to remember to go looking for it after this "session." I'm settled and I'd like to sit and do the trippin gig for an hour or so. I seems to be pretty short-lived. Yeah, I did one in the car riding out here.
How risky wuzzat?
Exactly.
So, that's four or five times in a couple of times.
I'm awful aren't I?
Yeah, that's some serious doping.
508pm where's the last socalled time marker? It was five before the hour.
Good, if you aren't too distracted, get another one in around the half out.
I don't think that's going to be a problem. Are you trying to keep me focused on some imaginary task @ hand?
No, it's a reference point.
I'll see what I can do for you. Amber and Merry. I kinda tried to steer the chemical magic that way in.. the earlier trip.
There's plenty to mine, that's for sure.. peeky pushy highly imaginative watching.. back in the day.
Is that what this is about, wanting to get back to another time? You KNOW you were crazy then, too. It was more fun, the guilt.. not as realized. Not really simpler times, but.. easier.
Yeah.. lessee the kid on the couch, the neighbors.
The palace. You and me got an altogether different idea of simpler.
@ least rc now all that stuff
That stuff?
The weird is confined inside my cranium. It doesn't involve other air breathers. So that's simplicity.
It's easier to manage.
I'm going to encourage you not to get much into details about any of this stuff.
525pm.. got some big yawning going on. Well, I'm going to say we should be encouraged by that response and get ready for a bumpy ride.
What do you think will yield the more interesting lines, Tess or Merry/Beth?
I don't know that I could make that decision for us. I always get the impression that you want to ramble about Tess, but I know there is some major wild ness associated w/the in-law gals. I notice that you've made that single obsequious mention of John.
Well, it could bee Rod.
It coulda been Karl or Dave, but I'm certain it was a ref to John.
So what happens if you sit here for a couple of hours, noting the passage of socalled time diligently and none of the odd sticks to the screen?
Well, this time it won't be because I forgot to do the save.
LOTS of yawns.
Well, it IS what this pill is designed to do
Zing there goes one of those momentary lapses of attention.
What do you mean?
I caught him napping @ the k'board.
539pm.
Stevie Ray w/Texas Flood.
Think your doc's in the recovery bin? Damn I don't WANT to go looking for it,
Dozing s'more
Yup that looks like it's going to be what I do
How terribly disappointing.
I'll see if I can hang on 'til a quarter 'til.
It's 544pm and the urge to nap is quite strong.
I don't have the j'drive in. distraction will have to come from what I've stored on the desktop.
549pm and my yawns have spread around the house, leaving only Jen up and moving around She's made several mentions of wanting to go to the store since she came back an hour or two ago.
748pm I'm back from following Honey thru' stores. Merry's expected w/in the half hour. You hafta know that the relative next twelve hours can only run downhill as the numbers increase and I get to gear up for more of Jen's travel stress.. to a locale I think she has even less interest in attending than I do or did Amber's house. I'm tired and hungry and..
Tired?
I'm sure it's more like hungover.. but hungry and I sorta think dinner's going to be birthday cake. I can definitely feel a certain sourness creeping into my demeanor. It may or may not be related to not chipping the chill pill earlier; it's more likely tied to going to stores w/Jen when I had counted on sittin' and playing in the dope stream. Maybe it'd help to make a potto coffee. That turns out to be incomprehensibly complicated tho' so it'll hafta wait for more experienced hands. @ 817pm I'm definitely irritated @ nothing and everything. Merry came in, but I'm glad to see her.. pretty much always am. It's little things like typos and the .. k'board, having to hunt for the backspace and delete keys. I think I smell coffee brewing..
Oh yeah, that's way mo' better. BethAmber got up and made a pot!
Beth?
That's her name, actually Amber Beth, I think. I'm easily confoosed. When we lived in San Marcos I went thru' a short period calling her E Z Beth. Yeah that was mean, but it sorta fit. And it's a name I used almost exclusively in her presence. I don't want to talk about that any more.
You brought it up.
And now I've dismissed it.
Tell us about Merry.
That's an easy corruption of my mother-in-law's name, Marilyn. Not much to say, she's a good gal. I like her. She smokes and that's often a point of contention 'tween her and Jen. I think I'm ready to switch media for a while.
Yeah.. 1032pm. It didn't take awfully long to get to place in Auspi where the com shu made me move again.. and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get comfortable again.
Face it, dude, there's stuff to deal w/.
Yeah, there's stuff do deal w/but
Fine, let's take it easy. What's the page count on Auspicious rcnow?
75
That's good. You're not in any hurry to end it are you?
I guess not.
You shouldn't be; they're only numbers. This doc, f'rinstance is 'bout to supass.. maybe it already has.. the number in click, it's immediate predecessor. And before that we'd gotten into that thing of stacking 1,2,3,4.. to nine in folders.. I think we did three or four of those and those sets were arbitrarily chopped off around eight to ten pages.
Yeah, well, I think that was a shipping issue, like rcnow, the catchin' up chunks I'm sending to Tess are running ten or less pages. Oh, won't it be interesting to see if she's cheesed either (or both) of the installs she's gotten.
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up. I mean, I'm sure she means well, but when she's writing, she's sorta obliged to follow her own muses.
Yeah.
So don't be too awfully disappointed if it goes as far as sending the relative this bit out w/out getting much feedback from her. I sure don't want to see you getting all bent out of shape the way you did when you were trying to get her to work on Confessions.
Yeah, that was..
Let's JUST say it was unproductive. I will tell you this, tho', you know or you ought to know that you've got plenty of stuff to brush and rub .. of your own.. if you're ever in that state of mind.
Yeah, how 'bout we bring up Creep and set it on the desk?
Yeah, I'm sure that's not your best idea ever, but I'll go for it. I think you ought to close MediaPlayer before you plug in the j'drive.. and that's done. Actually moved a couple of files.. I'm sure that's going to cause some context problems w/the kenm thing we brought out.
Maybe not, mainly I wanted it so I could JUST look @ it. It was on the short list of files that'd been opened when I was looking for the stuff I lost in the amnesia fog.
Oh, the kenm file didn't get moved.
Hmmph, oh well, Creep did. And on that happy note.. well actually an hour or so later, @ 1223AM I've pitched another Ambien in. I know for a fact that it is a bad idea, very probably a very bad idea but there's no reasoning w/the maniac and HE decided great funs could be had after watching Merry blow out the candles on her birthday cake.. 63, I think I heard 'em say.
Let's do some math. Start w/the birth year.. um.. oh three
Huh?
Work w/me.. no, that won't work okay.. oh nine, six three.. six, borrowed one.. 1949? Lessee.. no.
1946.
I think that's it.
So, ten years my senior.
And you're married to her daughter. Jen was born in sixty-three, I was, um, seven.. Merry.. 17, then.
Okay. That was fun.
No it wasn't, it nearly gave me a headache.
Keep a watch on the time; and do the save often.
Yeah as if. None of that helped last night.
No two trips are the same.
Man, I'm going to insist that you NOT do this for a long while.
Yeah, I know, you're worried about addiction.
Well, that and this can't be healthy.
It seems pretty harmless.
JUST lay off for a while.. a week or so.
Mmmm, there's the tingly melt.. 1240AM.
Wow, that's waaaay slower that previous notes; usually that effect comes in the first ten or fifteen min.
Dude, it's fifteen in.
Oh, well, I'm not good @ math.
Don't sweat the small stuff; your job is keeping the fingers moving. Don't get bogged down when the sleepy stuff sweeps in.
1245AM
Got it.
I don't think we've managed to get thru' one of these yet w/out some serious slop; I think you've got to get used to the idea that it kinda comes w/the territory. How many times have we tried to capture different buzzes in sundry records?
Yeah, but this one.. I dunno, there's something different.
Heh, ttto Wild Side.. Lou Reed. I, um I'm not saying it can't be done.. in fact, I've always thought pretty much ANY of the buzzes could be, um ..
Writ?
Yeah, that'll do. 1251AM and save.. and the colored girls say doo ta doo or something like that. Mmmm.
What now?
Ah, nothing really, Merry came into the room.
And?
And that's all.. little pervin' going on. But it's a habitual thing like watching Beth jiggle under her jammies tops.
Yeah, I think you're not as likely to get in large trouble there.
Oh yeah? I think the crazy sis-in-law would get loudly indignant and Jen would not be pleased.
Well, we'll JUST hafta make a point of not telling them, eh.
Yeah, let's not.
109AM I've moved back to the kitchen table. It's a lot more comfortable here; for one thing, there's no chance of anyone slipping up behind me. I might even get bold enough to open the creep file.
Bold?
Like you don't know what's in there.
I notice that you opened Rep.
Well, some stupid thing w/the machine and Word.. it works a lot better if I open a Word doc, like from the desktop than opening the program from the start menu. So I usually click a doc open and then pull the oh nine up from the file menu.
118AM save the children playing Halo are distracting me.
Don't sweat the small stuff. We're what, nearly an hour in?
Yeah, I guess that's pretty close.
What do you think about firing in another one?
I'm for it.
No shit? I figured you'd object vociferously.
Well, I gave some thought to trying to stall, but I know that we'll want to get going, like out of the house, if possible, before noon and that means sleep has to come sometime.
So you think that if we push the dose that you'll get to bed.
Heh, there IS no bed; Merry took my spot and I don't think Hailey's going to share the spot she inherited from Merry.
So.. up all night?
Looks like.
Party! Lemme suggest that you move thru' the potty.
Yeah, and I'll finish this Dr pepper Honey started and make a short pot.
156AM another the other Ambien goes in; Neil's started Ordinary people an eighteen annahaf minute song, lesse how the party's going after that. It's a bet that some difference will be noted.
Yeah, what about the previous hour?
I don't have any answers. I JUST don't see how this fresh influx of chemicals won't make a difference. 201AM I got up and poured some of the short pot into my cup, which I have ascertained stinks.. prob'ly needs a good scrub.
Amber's coffee's pretty good.
Let me get a save while I'm thinking about it.
Wouldn't y'JUST as soon think about Beth's tits?
Ah, speak of..
Yeah, that used to be a pretty reliable response.
Yup, I'd set down a line like that and she'd float by.. or Jen would. Yeah that exquisite sense of timing. Remember the bummer trip to Colo when thinking carnally of li'l Jennifer brought Jen running JUSTabout every time.
Which trip? Jennifer went w/us on both.
The one where she turned 13.
The second.. relative last.. Oh, that brown swimsuit.. Seroquel busting the maniac's balls.
213AM end of the song.. it dies slow, but there's Joni's Conversation. Head check..
I've still got mine. I can tell that you've got expectations that aren't being met.
I'll be fine.
You were hoping to be sitting and watching some twisted shit run out onto the screen. It hasn't happened that way yet.. the li'l bits of odd ness show up on the page or screen after you set it aside. You never get to see the weird happen. That's the attraction of this compound.. amnesia.
That's certainly twisted. Yeah, but almost by definition, you can't be aware of it happening.
228AM save 233AM much distracted by a) tv and b) Amber shuffling around.
So, if we pop in another one around threeAM, think we can effect the kink parade you see to be craving?
Craving, that's probably about right.
Where's that third pill?
Oh, I took it.. 246AM save
I think I've got the mechanics covered.
Y'wanna shoot for the moon here?
Let me do some editing, that looks really sloppy some callit the drug hand stuff.
And then pitch it a fourth. and the plan, if there is one, @304AN is to keep pitchin' Ambiens in the hole .. 'til something is someone makes us stop,
I'm game, but I insist that you clean up most of the typos that came in in like the previous six lines gotta be fixed.
It's unlikely to get any worse before it gets any better; you should be prepared for that. I don't see any sensible way to be prepared.. there may be some small or esoteric benifits to certain ing
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/\ /\ < < yeah, one of the ed crew fellas thought it important to point out that the slop had run into a frame.
Yah, and then went to sleep w/a finger on the return key, 'cause the "lines" in the frame got numbered to 96 or something rilly odd like that.
I'll get to the timeset innaminnit ibetcha, suffice it to say that I'm @ the huge desk. Anxious, yeah, I guess that's it. Knowing there's one more trip in to get checked out @ the school and not knowing when. I've called three times to two numbers thisAM. It's.. yeah, made me anxious. I guess that's what's doing it; I know I'm quite wound up and.. that's the only thing I can think of that might've done it. I want to get distracted and stay distracted. I want to be able, to be free.. to have permission to do absolutely nothing.
Y'wanna try to tell about that dream? oh oh oh edsez LEAP into the stream to note that I went to the school Mon the 22nd and found the upstairs hall so fulla desks and such that there was barely room to talk, so nacherly I HAD to tell Glynda about the dream; she said oh Ken you let such little things become so big in your life.
I guess I wouldn't mind; you unnerstan, tho', that it's been over 24 hours since waking rcnow @ a quarter 'til 12pm on Tue 6-16-09.. The main thing izzat Tess was innit. The set was evidently Smiley/NFHS.. the halls were packed w/piles of crap mainly textbooks, there was barely a couple of feet, mostly up the middle to navigate. I saw Slaughter first, greeted him as has become our custom by calling him Mr Morphis. Apparently the move, some move was underway and the names over doors, and the room numbers, were all scrambled but I got to the room that seemed to be mine, which seemed to be next to George's and on the second floor.. maybe it was down on that hall going out t'wards the library where Angela was.. I think, tho' that it was on the second floor. Of course my room was a mess and when I found the computer, I couldn't remember the pass to log in. JUST as I was getting really frustrated George led HER in. Gods, I nearly fainted. When I saw the sparkle in her eye(s).. y'know, completely took my breath way, made my head spin. George's smile was JUSTabout as radiant, standing behind her. She wore some clingy knit top and a calf-length skirt.. seems like the skirt had buttons on it and the top didn't.. the dye job was nearly vivid, the mock'late was absent. Of course a hard hug ensued and persisted 'til Kim Wright showed up to claim some of her attention.. but I still had a hand on her waist when she kinda gave a half-turn to hug Kim.. I'd swear her legs were still in contact w/mine. That's the important part, to me.. imean it's nearly incidental that she'd come in w/some (big) news about Price and wanted me to check something out.. on the computer I couldn't get in. I could put in elaboration about the way the hug seemed to linger and how I couldn't resist checking out the pointy ness in the curves of her shirt.. sweater's not the right descriptor.
Yeah.. so it's Tue. I woke w/that li'l dream MonAM but.. couldn't stand to mention it 'til Monpm, after I told Tess I'd seen her in a dream. I stayed way tense yesterday, it seems some better today. Last night the vivid dream was @ Six Flags and was focused on somekinda promotional treasure hunt.. longer, but not as interesting, I think. Got time, it seems to play in the archives which I often say I want much.. but, of course, I don't have a plan.. imean I don't know what I'm looking for or what to do w/what I find. I spent SOME time yesterday shuffling and combining files in the dism folder; it's kinda fun and interesting.. sort of .. and kinda sorta feels like getting something done. I wouldn't try to pass it off as constructive but distractive and that's what I needed. Today, Wed, I need to get the chill chip in and work on seeming busy enough to keep Jen from worrying me about getting nothing done. Of course, that means moving away from the relative here. I did SOME useful stuff, I guess. I scrubbed the tub and made mashed potatoes.. crushed some cans.. little stuff, but ireckon it counts. Unless I've been misled, the girls are going out, leaving w/in the half hour. That, of course will be my cue to dive into the smurf. Sooo, will it be the usenet pic bank, the pornhub vid bank, or the asstr story bank? I've got nearly too much stuff in the dism folder already to go looking for stuff to harvest @ asstr. I think I'll go video for twenty or thirty min and then move to the usenet. Yeah, too much information, I suppose. I'll try not to keep going in that vein.. imean unless y'want me to. It would help if the girls got out, eh. How 'bout if I while away the stray min in the dism folder..
And so.. I've been doing archival housecleaning and this bit needs to get "placed" so I can empty and delete a folder that had four or five files, one of them twenty-three pages of formerly paper trans, emptied and deleted.. yeah somethingike that.
-kenankenagin-
We're not like other people.
WE? We are the -same- people. And I doubt that -I- am much different from any other schizophrenic.
I am different. You are different. AND we are not like the others.
Do you know any others?
Does Carter count?
Um, no.. but I'll grant that I'm not like him.
You're compelled to be "whole," aren't you?
I have a little difficulty w/the notion of sharing my identity w/someone or someTHING else.
You're having a conversation w/your'elf.
It's, um, not really a conversation.
Seven of five.
What?
Seven of five lines beginning w/that pronoun.
There, I fixed a typo, bring the abhorrent average down a bit. The doc I pasted up for Glynda.. that's sort of a present, a reminder of the huge space she has or had in my life.
Okay. It's twoAM, can we go to bed?
Sure, lemme do the creepy mess check thing @ gmail.
You don't even hafta look @ that screen, you can see from the li'l tile thingy up there that there's no new mail.
Cool, let's turn everything off and get a clean mask.
JUSTabout twenty-four or five hours gets by and I've done the Ambien drop again. I did manage to get up to the school and finish packing, but didn't get any signatures on my page.. had lunch w/Glynda, George and his mom. That was real good. So the dope's running in, again.
Yep, there it goes.
I spent the relative last hour or so building a playlist for the MediaPlayer. It kept doing some stoopid thing of running a shortlist of alleged favorites, so I built a list that'd run slightly over twenty-four hours of tunes that I really don't mind hearing. And I'll very probably put some more on my list.
Of course the prob w/doing something like that izzat then I don't hear much I don't already know.. unless I make a conscious effort to put unfamiliar tunes on the list. Earlier, much earlier, I guess, I sorta cajoled
Tess
Martha
Yeah, that one
Got her to accept a load or few of spew.
She'd mentioned, earlier still, getting the occasional grin from seeing JUST in the spew.. and then noted that she'd prob'ly NOT seen some of the material I put together for Glynda last night. So I mentioned that there was prob'ly around fifty pages in the rc em journal she hadn't seen. She said ship it and we kinda agreed to move it chunks of ten or so pages. We'll see how it goes. I sorta feel like it's a disservice to her to.. inflict my crap on her, but.. well, I guess I was in on of those moods.. guess I've been in one of those moods for a while. I reckon we'll all find our more or less together how it goes. It'll take to the second installment before she gets a shot of my lingering angst but after that, I don't think there'll be a single installment w/out some of it. It's .. it's mean and I expect that if she's still reading when this line comes down the pipe, she'll agree. Even w/the Ambien in, tho', I don't think I'm fixin' to "share" why I think I've taken that tack.. why I gotten that bent. I think the real ness izzat I'm still getting to play in her text, she seems still to appreciate my efforts.. and that part is so much fun, still. It's very probably reasonable to say that's the part that has always been a reliable grin. The work. Can y'see me smilin'? I am. It's all about the work. The fun stuff, the delight, the openness and sharing.. all about the work. So, I really need to go get under the mask for a few hours. I seem to have turned the psychic corner, back up manic avenue out of the creepy brittle cul-de-sac w/out falling thru' the crust. Yay. It's been a week. I've mentioned to more than a couple of the lady folk that I'm feeling much like the meds are NOT helping, that my mental state was a whole lot like it is rcnow many years ago.. that I can't tell that taking the chemicals is or are improving the quality of my life.
Do you want to talk quality of life?
I don't want to get sucked into that pseudo topic you've got hiding under the bar.
Well, how about a Guinness on top of the bar.
That, I could get interested in.
Is it out of the question that you're faking peace of mind out of the goodness of your heart? I want some socalled time and some alleged answers.
I'll give you fifteen min.
Why are you acting like you're going to freak Martha out when she sees that you're sill carrying a torch?
It's not really old news.
And we don't want it to stop.
What's the best case scenario? Zzzzzi thinkit would be heavenly to be quartered someplace a timezone or few from familiar entanglements and see how freakin' congenial we can be and get some fab fics produced. Y'see, I need for it to STAY all about the work. It can't happen. It can't happen simply because of the heart-rending distance.. the proposed proximity would be ever so much destructive. There area LOT of little things, mainly connected to or derived from her appearance that would simply kill me.
It would be fine; she would not, could not take you any place you don't already know how to go. There could be no follow that butt the gleaming smile flashed back over the shoulder to folfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffk
I think we've seen THAT before and JUST as I was anticipating the Find the Cost of Freedom to Ohio tunes shift.. and I dozed off. Let's presume that's a good sign that we can get to bed.. certainly ahead of four-thirty.. So, I'm feelin' mostly good but in that space where I'm wondering why I'm taking a buncha powerful meds that aren't even especially fun to play w/. Yeah, let's go to bed. There's Sinatra w/Summer Breeze.
Ambien funs, eh? I'm amused, I guess.. can't, honestly, say amazed. ..no place you don't already know how to go, hesed. Anni don't even wonder (and you shouldn't, either) where the follow went. Wednesday has come and mostly went w/out going to the school.
It's ONLY 423pm.
Late enough to safely presume there'll be no trip in for signatures. Steven says Glynda's about to be unavailable for an extended period. Um, excuse me folk, I'm going to shut it down for a relative while and investigate some kitchen funs.
Hey, when y'get back, consider doing the refrigerator roulette account you I we tumbled while sittin' and eatin'.
Maybe.. it was really only some thing to tap out and send to the gals.
But it's still a fine notion.
Sigh.
What?
Oh, you know.. wanting to feel.. idunno, better, I guess.
I'm going to send you back into the archives. I want to find that bitto stray hot chocolate and put it in the 'creep' file.
Ah, an errand, that sounds.. distractive. Well, that didn't work out. Can't remember where I saw it and I can't find it. Aint that the way it has to go? Speakin' of which.. it looks like Word probs is fixin' to cause me considerable anguish.
Hang on, hesed, there's a context bump looming.
.. .. I excised twelve pages I wrote @ Amber's, it's mostly Ambien funs. Some of it will probably come back in.
Yup, here we go.. some of the lines from the stay @ the crazy sis-in-law's.
> > Crap. I'm guessin' that I went to bed w/out doing a good save and.. well, some spew got lost. That's JUST a shame. The family unit has travelled to Amber's, it's Fri 6-12-09, we got in around ninepm yesterday. I'm certain that @ 330AM I was sittin @ BethAMber's kitchen table playing in the Ambien creep, but that stuff is conspicuously absent. Oh well. I probably had some good fun and ibetcha I do it s'more, maybe tonight. I am, I admit, much too fond of the amnesiac trippin'. Meanwhile, I'm very glad to have time to play and.. be left mostly alone. What's news? I've begun reading Uncle Tom's Cabin. I'm doing the maybe final trek thru' Reparations.. Ariel's pt4. Hang on I'm starting MediaPlayer. We left K'wood in a relative rush and last night I was thinking that I'd have @ least one "worried" message from txmi when we get back; that's rc slated to be late tomorrow, prob'ly early SunAM. The days off-line will put a gap in my MoodTracker chart, but I think I'll be able to go in and edit it. Soo, I need to log in those entries, here, I guess. Um let's presume I did Thu's before we left. .chart Fri as a notch above baseline w/6.5 hours sleep, no noted irritability or anxious.
I was wishing last night that I'd enlisted Tess to go in and make simple entries so that @ least there'd be something TO edit. I think, tho' that I can fix dates to let me go in and close the mentioned gap. I'm pretty sure I've availed that function on one other occasion when I let a day get by w/out an entry. Very prob'ly the desire to get Tess involved is exactly that, a desire to get Tess involved. High ho. Do I smell salt?
I dunno man.. y'wanna also mention the ttto? R Palmer Bad Case..
I really DON'T know why you'd want to.
Yeah, well, it's.. something I do. JUST.. showin' off, I guess.
Yeah, well..
Yeah?
Nothing. If that's what you want to do, I guess it's fine.
This is..
This is what?
This is the kinda stuff that keeps me medicating.
Well, chip the chill pill and drift out to the social area, briefly. Don't forget to do the save.
I went out and had a slice of pizza. Coming back in, I was thinkin' maybe iota switch media; I'd like to run the page count up in Auspi. But the machine's on and I like the rapid compost eve, maybe especially when I don't have an objective.
Heh, that's the usual state of things. I think you sorta get inclined to switch media as a comfort shufflin' mechanism, as often as not.
I won't argue that point. Merry's coming in.
Not right away. It'll be a couple or three hours.
We could get stupid again.
Yes, but that would be wrong.
Oh, you -Do- crack me up.
JUST don't forget to do a good save.
Yeah, whatever.. 455pm.
Don't you. Imean I know you do but.. addiction.
Well, it's a risk, f'sure, but y'know that I think I can mess w/it and not go there.
Manics are Not known for making good decisions.
I know and I recognize that I'm definitely doing that risk taking thing.. and enjoying it ever so much.
Sounds manic to me.
Dude, doncha wish we coulda kept what we did last night?
Technically it was thisAM, but sure, imean, almost obviously we COULDA kept it.
Yeah I wonder why it didn't get saved. There's notes in the inked lines about getting bed ward around 539AM.. and I do have definite memories of noting time in THIS doc @ threeAM and a quarter 'til four..
But none of it's still here.
Nope.
Maybe there's some relic in hanging around as a recovered doc.
I'll try to remember to go looking for it after this "session." I'm settled and I'd like to sit and do the trippin gig for an hour or so. I seems to be pretty short-lived. Yeah, I did one in the car riding out here.
How risky wuzzat?
Exactly.
So, that's four or five times in a couple of times.
I'm awful aren't I?
Yeah, that's some serious doping.
508pm where's the last socalled time marker? It was five before the hour.
Good, if you aren't too distracted, get another one in around the half out.
I don't think that's going to be a problem. Are you trying to keep me focused on some imaginary task @ hand?
No, it's a reference point.
I'll see what I can do for you. Amber and Merry. I kinda tried to steer the chemical magic that way in.. the earlier trip.
There's plenty to mine, that's for sure.. peeky pushy highly imaginative watching.. back in the day.
Is that what this is about, wanting to get back to another time? You KNOW you were crazy then, too. It was more fun, the guilt.. not as realized. Not really simpler times, but.. easier.
Yeah.. lessee the kid on the couch, the neighbors.
The palace. You and me got an altogether different idea of simpler.
@ least rc now all that stuff
That stuff?
The weird is confined inside my cranium. It doesn't involve other air breathers. So that's simplicity.
It's easier to manage.
I'm going to encourage you not to get much into details about any of this stuff.
525pm.. got some big yawning going on. Well, I'm going to say we should be encouraged by that response and get ready for a bumpy ride.
What do you think will yield the more interesting lines, Tess or Merry/Beth?
I don't know that I could make that decision for us. I always get the impression that you want to ramble about Tess, but I know there is some major wild ness associated w/the in-law gals. I notice that you've made that single obsequious mention of John.
Well, it could bee Rod.
It coulda been Karl or Dave, but I'm certain it was a ref to John.
So what happens if you sit here for a couple of hours, noting the passage of socalled time diligently and none of the odd sticks to the screen?
Well, this time it won't be because I forgot to do the save.
LOTS of yawns.
Well, it IS what this pill is designed to do
Zing there goes one of those momentary lapses of attention.
What do you mean?
I caught him napping @ the k'board.
539pm.
Stevie Ray w/Texas Flood.
Think your doc's in the recovery bin? Damn I don't WANT to go looking for it,
Dozing s'more
Yup that looks like it's going to be what I do
How terribly disappointing.
I'll see if I can hang on 'til a quarter 'til.
It's 544pm and the urge to nap is quite strong.
I don't have the j'drive in. distraction will have to come from what I've stored on the desktop.
549pm and my yawns have spread around the house, leaving only Jen up and moving around She's made several mentions of wanting to go to the store since she came back an hour or two ago.
748pm I'm back from following Honey thru' stores. Merry's expected w/in the half hour. You hafta know that the relative next twelve hours can only run downhill as the numbers increase and I get to gear up for more of Jen's travel stress.. to a locale I think she has even less interest in attending than I do or did Amber's house. I'm tired and hungry and..
Tired?
I'm sure it's more like hungover.. but hungry and I sorta think dinner's going to be birthday cake. I can definitely feel a certain sourness creeping into my demeanor. It may or may not be related to not chipping the chill pill earlier; it's more likely tied to going to stores w/Jen when I had counted on sittin' and playing in the dope stream. Maybe it'd help to make a potto coffee. That turns out to be incomprehensibly complicated tho' so it'll hafta wait for more experienced hands. @ 817pm I'm definitely irritated @ nothing and everything. Merry came in, but I'm glad to see her.. pretty much always am. It's little things like typos and the .. k'board, having to hunt for the backspace and delete keys. I think I smell coffee brewing..
Oh yeah, that's way mo' better. BethAmber got up and made a pot!
Beth?
That's her name, actually Amber Beth, I think. I'm easily confoosed. When we lived in San Marcos I went thru' a short period calling her E Z Beth. Yeah that was mean, but it sorta fit. And it's a name I used almost exclusively in her presence. I don't want to talk about that any more.
You brought it up.
And now I've dismissed it.
Tell us about Merry.
That's an easy corruption of my mother-in-law's name, Marilyn. Not much to say, she's a good gal. I like her. She smokes and that's often a point of contention 'tween her and Jen. I think I'm ready to switch media for a while.
Yeah.. 1032pm. It didn't take awfully long to get to place in Auspi where the com shu made me move again.. and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get comfortable again.
Face it, dude, there's stuff to deal w/.
Yeah, there's stuff do deal w/but
Fine, let's take it easy. What's the page count on Auspicious rcnow?
75
That's good. You're not in any hurry to end it are you?
I guess not.
You shouldn't be; they're only numbers. This doc, f'rinstance is 'bout to supass.. maybe it already has.. the number in click, it's immediate predecessor. And before that we'd gotten into that thing of stacking 1,2,3,4.. to nine in folders.. I think we did three or four of those and those sets were arbitrarily chopped off around eight to ten pages.
Yeah, well, I think that was a shipping issue, like rcnow, the catchin' up chunks I'm sending to Tess are running ten or less pages. Oh, won't it be interesting to see if she's cheesed either (or both) of the installs she's gotten.
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up. I mean, I'm sure she means well, but when she's writing, she's sorta obliged to follow her own muses.
Yeah.
So don't be too awfully disappointed if it goes as far as sending the relative this bit out w/out getting much feedback from her. I sure don't want to see you getting all bent out of shape the way you did when you were trying to get her to work on Confessions.
Yeah, that was..
Let's JUST say it was unproductive. I will tell you this, tho', you know or you ought to know that you've got plenty of stuff to brush and rub .. of your own.. if you're ever in that state of mind.
Yeah, how 'bout we bring up Creep and set it on the desk?
Yeah, I'm sure that's not your best idea ever, but I'll go for it. I think you ought to close MediaPlayer before you plug in the j'drive.. and that's done. Actually moved a couple of files.. I'm sure that's going to cause some context problems w/the kenm thing we brought out.
Maybe not, mainly I wanted it so I could JUST look @ it. It was on the short list of files that'd been opened when I was looking for the stuff I lost in the amnesia fog.
Oh, the kenm file didn't get moved.
Hmmph, oh well, Creep did. And on that happy note.. well actually an hour or so later, @ 1223AM I've pitched another Ambien in. I know for a fact that it is a bad idea, very probably a very bad idea but there's no reasoning w/the maniac and HE decided great funs could be had after watching Merry blow out the candles on her birthday cake.. 63, I think I heard 'em say.
Let's do some math. Start w/the birth year.. um.. oh three
Huh?
Work w/me.. no, that won't work okay.. oh nine, six three.. six, borrowed one.. 1949? Lessee.. no.
1946.
I think that's it.
So, ten years my senior.
And you're married to her daughter. Jen was born in sixty-three, I was, um, seven.. Merry.. 17, then.
Okay. That was fun.
No it wasn't, it nearly gave me a headache.
Keep a watch on the time; and do the save often.
Yeah as if. None of that helped last night.
No two trips are the same.
Man, I'm going to insist that you NOT do this for a long while.
Yeah, I know, you're worried about addiction.
Well, that and this can't be healthy.
It seems pretty harmless.
JUST lay off for a while.. a week or so.
Mmmm, there's the tingly melt.. 1240AM.
Wow, that's waaaay slower that previous notes; usually that effect comes in the first ten or fifteen min.
Dude, it's fifteen in.
Oh, well, I'm not good @ math.
Don't sweat the small stuff; your job is keeping the fingers moving. Don't get bogged down when the sleepy stuff sweeps in.
1245AM
Got it.
I don't think we've managed to get thru' one of these yet w/out some serious slop; I think you've got to get used to the idea that it kinda comes w/the territory. How many times have we tried to capture different buzzes in sundry records?
Yeah, but this one.. I dunno, there's something different.
Heh, ttto Wild Side.. Lou Reed. I, um I'm not saying it can't be done.. in fact, I've always thought pretty much ANY of the buzzes could be, um ..
Writ?
Yeah, that'll do. 1251AM and save.. and the colored girls say doo ta doo or something like that. Mmmm.
What now?
Ah, nothing really, Merry came into the room.
And?
And that's all.. little pervin' going on. But it's a habitual thing like watching Beth jiggle under her jammies tops.
Yeah, I think you're not as likely to get in large trouble there.
Oh yeah? I think the crazy sis-in-law would get loudly indignant and Jen would not be pleased.
Well, we'll JUST hafta make a point of not telling them, eh.
Yeah, let's not.
109AM I've moved back to the kitchen table. It's a lot more comfortable here; for one thing, there's no chance of anyone slipping up behind me. I might even get bold enough to open the creep file.
Bold?
Like you don't know what's in there.
I notice that you opened Rep.
Well, some stupid thing w/the machine and Word.. it works a lot better if I open a Word doc, like from the desktop than opening the program from the start menu. So I usually click a doc open and then pull the oh nine up from the file menu.
118AM save the children playing Halo are distracting me.
Don't sweat the small stuff. We're what, nearly an hour in?
Yeah, I guess that's pretty close.
What do you think about firing in another one?
I'm for it.
No shit? I figured you'd object vociferously.
Well, I gave some thought to trying to stall, but I know that we'll want to get going, like out of the house, if possible, before noon and that means sleep has to come sometime.
So you think that if we push the dose that you'll get to bed.
Heh, there IS no bed; Merry took my spot and I don't think Hailey's going to share the spot she inherited from Merry.
So.. up all night?
Looks like.
Party! Lemme suggest that you move thru' the potty.
Yeah, and I'll finish this Dr pepper Honey started and make a short pot.
156AM another the other Ambien goes in; Neil's started Ordinary people an eighteen annahaf minute song, lesse how the party's going after that. It's a bet that some difference will be noted.
Yeah, what about the previous hour?
I don't have any answers. I JUST don't see how this fresh influx of chemicals won't make a difference. 201AM I got up and poured some of the short pot into my cup, which I have ascertained stinks.. prob'ly needs a good scrub.
Amber's coffee's pretty good.
Let me get a save while I'm thinking about it.
Wouldn't y'JUST as soon think about Beth's tits?
Ah, speak of..
Yeah, that used to be a pretty reliable response.
Yup, I'd set down a line like that and she'd float by.. or Jen would. Yeah that exquisite sense of timing. Remember the bummer trip to Colo when thinking carnally of li'l Jennifer brought Jen running JUSTabout every time.
Which trip? Jennifer went w/us on both.
The one where she turned 13.
The second.. relative last.. Oh, that brown swimsuit.. Seroquel busting the maniac's balls.
213AM end of the song.. it dies slow, but there's Joni's Conversation. Head check..
I've still got mine. I can tell that you've got expectations that aren't being met.
I'll be fine.
You were hoping to be sitting and watching some twisted shit run out onto the screen. It hasn't happened that way yet.. the li'l bits of odd ness show up on the page or screen after you set it aside. You never get to see the weird happen. That's the attraction of this compound.. amnesia.
That's certainly twisted. Yeah, but almost by definition, you can't be aware of it happening.
228AM save 233AM much distracted by a) tv and b) Amber shuffling around.
So, if we pop in another one around threeAM, think we can effect the kink parade you see to be craving?
Craving, that's probably about right.
Where's that third pill?
Oh, I took it.. 246AM save
I think I've got the mechanics covered.
Y'wanna shoot for the moon here?
Let me do some editing, that looks really sloppy some callit the drug hand stuff.
And then pitch it a fourth. and the plan, if there is one, @304AN is to keep pitchin' Ambiens in the hole .. 'til something is someone makes us stop,
I'm game, but I insist that you clean up most of the typos that came in in like the previous six lines gotta be fixed.
It's unlikely to get any worse before it gets any better; you should be prepared for that. I don't see any sensible way to be prepared.. there may be some small or esoteric benifits to certain ing
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/\ /\ < < yeah, one of the ed crew fellas thought it important to point out that the slop had run into a frame.
Yah, and then went to sleep w/a finger on the return key, 'cause the "lines" in the frame got numbered to 96 or something rilly odd like that.
I'll get to the timeset innaminnit ibetcha, suffice it to say that I'm @ the huge desk. Anxious, yeah, I guess that's it. Knowing there's one more trip in to get checked out @ the school and not knowing when. I've called three times to two numbers thisAM. It's.. yeah, made me anxious. I guess that's what's doing it; I know I'm quite wound up and.. that's the only thing I can think of that might've done it. I want to get distracted and stay distracted. I want to be able, to be free.. to have permission to do absolutely nothing.
Y'wanna try to tell about that dream? oh oh oh edsez LEAP into the stream to note that I went to the school Mon the 22nd and found the upstairs hall so fulla desks and such that there was barely room to talk, so nacherly I HAD to tell Glynda about the dream; she said oh Ken you let such little things become so big in your life.
I guess I wouldn't mind; you unnerstan, tho', that it's been over 24 hours since waking rcnow @ a quarter 'til 12pm on Tue 6-16-09.. The main thing izzat Tess was innit. The set was evidently Smiley/NFHS.. the halls were packed w/piles of crap mainly textbooks, there was barely a couple of feet, mostly up the middle to navigate. I saw Slaughter first, greeted him as has become our custom by calling him Mr Morphis. Apparently the move, some move was underway and the names over doors, and the room numbers, were all scrambled but I got to the room that seemed to be mine, which seemed to be next to George's and on the second floor.. maybe it was down on that hall going out t'wards the library where Angela was.. I think, tho' that it was on the second floor. Of course my room was a mess and when I found the computer, I couldn't remember the pass to log in. JUST as I was getting really frustrated George led HER in. Gods, I nearly fainted. When I saw the sparkle in her eye(s).. y'know, completely took my breath way, made my head spin. George's smile was JUSTabout as radiant, standing behind her. She wore some clingy knit top and a calf-length skirt.. seems like the skirt had buttons on it and the top didn't.. the dye job was nearly vivid, the mock'late was absent. Of course a hard hug ensued and persisted 'til Kim Wright showed up to claim some of her attention.. but I still had a hand on her waist when she kinda gave a half-turn to hug Kim.. I'd swear her legs were still in contact w/mine. That's the important part, to me.. imean it's nearly incidental that she'd come in w/some (big) news about Price and wanted me to check something out.. on the computer I couldn't get in. I could put in elaboration about the way the hug seemed to linger and how I couldn't resist checking out the pointy ness in the curves of her shirt.. sweater's not the right descriptor.
Yeah.. so it's Tue. I woke w/that li'l dream MonAM but.. couldn't stand to mention it 'til Monpm, after I told Tess I'd seen her in a dream. I stayed way tense yesterday, it seems some better today. Last night the vivid dream was @ Six Flags and was focused on somekinda promotional treasure hunt.. longer, but not as interesting, I think. Got time, it seems to play in the archives which I often say I want much.. but, of course, I don't have a plan.. imean I don't know what I'm looking for or what to do w/what I find. I spent SOME time yesterday shuffling and combining files in the dism folder; it's kinda fun and interesting.. sort of .. and kinda sorta feels like getting something done. I wouldn't try to pass it off as constructive but distractive and that's what I needed. Today, Wed, I need to get the chill chip in and work on seeming busy enough to keep Jen from worrying me about getting nothing done. Of course, that means moving away from the relative here. I did SOME useful stuff, I guess. I scrubbed the tub and made mashed potatoes.. crushed some cans.. little stuff, but ireckon it counts. Unless I've been misled, the girls are going out, leaving w/in the half hour. That, of course will be my cue to dive into the smurf. Sooo, will it be the usenet pic bank, the pornhub vid bank, or the asstr story bank? I've got nearly too much stuff in the dism folder already to go looking for stuff to harvest @ asstr. I think I'll go video for twenty or thirty min and then move to the usenet. Yeah, too much information, I suppose. I'll try not to keep going in that vein.. imean unless y'want me to. It would help if the girls got out, eh. How 'bout if I while away the stray min in the dism folder..
And so.. I've been doing archival housecleaning and this bit needs to get "placed" so I can empty and delete a folder that had four or five files, one of them twenty-three pages of formerly paper trans, emptied and deleted.. yeah somethingike that.
-kenankenagin-
We're not like other people.
WE? We are the -same- people. And I doubt that -I- am much different from any other schizophrenic.
I am different. You are different. AND we are not like the others.
Do you know any others?
Does Carter count?
Um, no.. but I'll grant that I'm not like him.
You're compelled to be "whole," aren't you?
I have a little difficulty w/the notion of sharing my identity w/someone or someTHING else.
You're having a conversation w/your'elf.
It's, um, not really a conversation.
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