Not giving up

4-20-10 Back from therapy. I had a restless night..
not exactly restless, I got my sleep, but I kept
waking too often after the 130AM pop.. finally,
around 420AM I got up and came to the office where
I stayed mainly occupied in the smurf for most of
five hours ‘til I went to see Shirl. I still don’t
have much for objectives, but I think that this is
going to be a more positive experience than I
remember the previous el tee being.. imean, except
for Suzana being soo damn good looking (Shirl, eh,
not so much), I think that this gal will keep me on
track, if there’s a track to get on, so far that’s
still very vague. Shirl WILL stop me from telling
stories JUST to be telling stories, so the bitto
theater aspect that seems so large, before, is
absent this scalled time. So, here sits Ken, tense
and clueless and tense about being clues and
clueless about why I’m tense. Poof, tiny poof
actually.. I did a few lines in the LZ file and
noticed that Jen had gotten up so I went to the
other side of the door for a short short.. fix and
ate a couple of fishy sammiches and then stretched
out for about, um I guess about a couple hours of
nap.. it’s rc 250pm. Once I started sliding into
the drowse, it was really really hard to stir off
the couch. I’ll be okay, we’ll call it simple nap..
not overly long.
Quit staring.
I don’t know what else to do.
Move your fingers.
Yeah, okay.
It’s not so hard is it?
I s’pose not.
How’s the coffee?
Best I’ve made in a while.
You, um..
Yeah, lots of um. I was wondering if one of the
reasons I have such a hard time talking to Jen is
that you I we don’t want her to worry.. sort of
need to be strong for her thing going on. I can’t
tell her about the job and I can’t tell her about
my psychosis.
More stress she doesn’t need.
Like I’m protecting her.
At the expense of..
See that’s the thing. I’ve spent a lot of socalled
time mourning the loss of intimacy.. figuring I was
prob’ly @ fault for undermining her trust and..
What?
Loads of stuff I don’t know how to talk about it..
even w/me.
That’s only kinda weird.
Tell me about it.
I’ve been going into the archives and finding odd
weeps. Sometimes it’s emo stuff like the Ranger
lines.. rc JUST now it was this little piece of
cheese that jolted me so hard I had to shut the file.
Cheese.
Martha stuff.
I know, I was fishing for details.
It’s was so weird.. I didn’t even see the context,
only her comment, “an adventure.. like the
adventure girl?”
Oh.
You expect me to connect the dots backward from the
penance piece to the .. I can’t, not w/out going to
get the documentation.
So much what if, huh.
I can’t let myself or yourself think that way.
Okay, I’ll, um, not then.
So, we’re back to watching the fingers not move.
Try to keep ‘em out of the eye brows and moustache.
Dude..i’m going to break apart.
I think you ought to let go as much as you can and
there’s not a safer place than the relative here.
Shirl asked if I was familiar w/emotional affairs.
Yeah, I’d already mentioned sexless affairs..
So.. the elf.
Yeah.
So now all my love brings me only pain.
It’s not supposed to be that way.
That’s my line.
Breaking.. down and not making any sense.
You’re doing fine, I know exactly what you mean.
I reckon that’s good enough the.
Yeah, don’t try to explain.
How do I sort it out w/out going thru’ the motions
of explanation?
Go thru’ the motions if it helps.
There’s no good place to start.
I miss Jen.. been missing her for years I was
missing her, I’m sure, when I started showing
notebooks to Glynda. I’d bet that was part of
the reason, the rationale for getting.. into
that entanglement.
That’s an odd term.
You know that I love Glynda.
I know that.
You know that it’s a way much different love than
I have for Chas or even George.
Can you compare it to my love for..
My love?
Our love, your love.. for Martha.. or Jen.
Wow. Love.. I can’t do this. Every part of this
discuss is more painful than I can stand.
Try a different tack. Look @ the crazy thing..
Remember Shirl asking what I considered crazy.
Yeah. My love.. our love. Crazy.
I won’t deny that.
Do you see the peculiarly possessive tone?
You can love Martha but I can’t..
That’s not fair.
I was there, I know how the string broke.
Okay, maybe you have a point.
Maybe. The phrase dirty little secret is suggested.
There aren’t any secrets in here, tho’, are there?
Only the stuff you haven’t admitted yet.
Admitted into evidence.
Evidence of thought crimes.
Change, slightly, of topic.. what are you looking
for in the archives?
Distraction.
I know that’s what you say.. really, is that all
there is to it?
That’s enough. I’ve been seriously in need of
distraction; it.. man, you’re here, you know what
it’s like. I absolutely can’t stand to be alone in
my own head.
So the drama.
Yeah, loads of personal angst; I guess I should
keep it to myself.
No, I’m here for you, buddy.
I feel crazy, these are the crazy intervals.. I
feel like I’m literally falling apart. I hurt and
I don’t know what to do or who to tell.. or what
I would say. This is a wallow, huh?
Don’t sweat it, I’m not going to tell you to shut up.
I’m not sure this is helpful.
Do you think it’s harmful, or hurtful?
I’m thinking that, from a mental health standpoint,
if I’m feel like I’m, as I said, coming apart, then
this particular exercise is more conducive to further
splintering or shattering than healing.
Because of the dialogue voices thing..
Yeah, exactly.
So I should shut up? I can let you do a monologue; I
thought I was helping.
So..
Yeah?
You know, rushing to post this exchange.
I’m sure there’s a point, but I fail to see it.
Yeah, well, I.. I guess I wanted to put it out JUST
to see if anyone would acknowledge seeing it.
Okay, good luck w/that; y’know you COULD simply
email the piece to, um, anyone you think..
That would put folk on the spot, sort of. Then they
nearly HAVE to, um, respond, and I don’t want to
make anyone more uncomfortable than I’ve made myself.


peace and hope
-km-

Testing the Line-adjust

I think that one of the things I appreciate about slash
is that section in so many of the stories where one of
the men is full of doubt about whether he's allowed to
touch his lover in the gentle way he wants.. that very
identifiable fear of being rebuffed.. well, that and the
romance. I've developed a taste for romance stories that
has truly surprised me. Twilight, f'rinstance, and the
Catherine Marshall thing, Christie, that Glynda turned
me on to. oh, I took a few min and marked a few papers,
that task still holds less than no interest. So, um, I
did the whine, to feeling a bit better. I guess I wanna
see about doing a post, that'll complete the wallow,
maybe tonight I'll browse Her Two Dads s'more, if I still
feel the need for a weep.
It would be easy.. or maybe too hard to bear.. here's a
bit from New Moon. = = = = = I wondered how long this
could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain
would JUST decrease to the point where I could bear it –
I would be able to look back on those few short months
that would always be the best of my life. And if it were
possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow
me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for
as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for,
more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see
it that way. But what if this hole never got any better?
If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was
permanent and irreversible? = = = = = =
Yeah.. easy weeps. The hole thing, which I like best of
all, sorta doesn't fit the context of the previous
section, it needs the ref of the sentence before how
long this could last.. a line about trying to breathe
w/out lungs, itself a ref the aching around the edges
of the hole in my chest. There's very little doubt that
I'm going to explore my own stupidity for an hour or few..
get my pm meds in, scoop the cats' box and start firing in
Ambien. 1143pm, the box is done, the meds are in, coffee's
set up for the AM.. clothes are not.. prob'ly oughta go
tend to that detail while I can still navigate the hall
w/out leaning too much on the doorways. brb. Pills, aint
that something. I guess iota slip over to MT and do the
chart before they send their robo reminder to my Gspot.
I can feel the sleep window opening behind me, I don't
think it's going to get a whole lot closer, or inviting,
'til I have @ least one more pill in me and I'd kinda
like to see if I could swing four. Stranger things have
happened. It doesn't matter a whit that the untend remains
untended. I woulda liked to hatch four semi insightful
warms, but I don't see that happening either.. and now,
I'd like to be done thinking about school for five or six
hours. It's after midnite, if you have any hope of slipping
a second Ambien it, this would be the socalled time to do
it. I don't think there's much chance that one more can get
in, much less two, and have a reasonable expectation of
getting up and going by sixAM. Annit wouldn't take a whole
lot to push 630AM out of the likely range. Done w/school,
remember? Well, that's going to bring us back to the easy
weep and why..
I think I covered that why pretty well, because it's maybe
cathartic.
Maybe. I don't think you want to do it rchere.
No?
No, go stretch out between the pillow and mask.. see if
you can summon a sylph and, pretty much whatever the
outcome, you'll be watering up and likely sobbing in
JUST a few minutes.
You make it sound so easy.
It is, but it's also easy to turn your focus outward and
get another stack of papers marked. The dope isn't going
to get in the way of that operation.
It's school.
Yeah. Hmm, figger the first Ambien went in around a
quarter 'til elevenpm, the next maybe haffan hour later.
I think we could get away w/pitching the third, oh.. say
in the relative next five or ten min. THEN, if you were
really committed to loading four, it would fit nicely,
sort of, @ midnight.
Here's a minor complication. I need to go get a drink..
water, I guess, and that's going to prompt a drunken
stroll to the kitchen.
I can handle it.. back it ten secs.
I think it was closer to thirty. Ready for the third pill?
Sure, I'm feeling stoopid and dangerous.
Good, it's in already.
Yay, I guess.
Are we ready to launch a full-frontal on the HUN?
That doesn't happen.
Didn't thinxo.
We're looking to build on the pieces like couch trippin'
and adv grl to get some paths laid out where we can "walk
safely" w/y'know, precedent on our side. I get the sense
that, your continued work on the Albatross and the RaT
figure quite large in the movement.
The movement?
The revolution in American letters that will make CUS a
serious bit of lit.
As far as I know, -none- of the LD/EK epic has been writ.
It takes a bit of scaffolding.
This is not a problem?
This is not a problem because I you we are going to live
forever.
Here comes a quart 'til midnight.
Cool, @ 1212AM you get to drop the fourth pill.. and
swallow it this socalled time, the last one's been
crawling around under my tongue for a while and it
doesn't taste good.
Sure, I'll see what I can do for you.
So, what do you think?
Well, we're a lot more cogent that I woulda guessed.
It's a good team. Lemme take you in here and introduce
you to the legendary Cod Sterling.
Really?
Why would I make something like that up?
Hey Ken.. Again.
I'm not staying; Ken thought some time w/you might be useful.
Well, you call in if you've got a point.
I'm determined to stay out of the way.
Ken.
Cod.
Beer, whisky, herbals?
I'm fine, for now, we'll see how it goes.
Yeah, good choice. I'm starting w/a glass of bourbon..
maybe an ice cube.
Whisky's good, I like mine w/strong coffee.. Cod, I
think I've wrecked my marriage.
Is she talking about leaving?
No.
So, you feel compelled to talk about the various.. what..
betrayals.. have you had sex outside you marriage?
Oh.. tough one to come back to, I came in, rc this time
to not take the fifth amendment I and if there was an op
to be be seriously stoopid, this it.
So.. the question. Have you had sex outside of marriage.
Yes, the best and worst sort.. anonymous sex, sucking
cocks presented thru' holes in the walls of viewing rooms
in an adult arcade.
When?
Y'mean, fixed in socalledtime? '83-'85
Write around the time the perfect child was born.
Yu[onfum tu[omsjot isay typing has certainly turned into
a real adventure.
Maybe I shoulda stayed w/the prn, iy'd rbrt do muvh
rsdirt yo vlrsn up ig uo
Yeah, bud.. ever so much easier to clean up if you know
what it's s'posed to say. It's going to be twoAM and
none of the mysterioso stuff I think we all came out to
see has occurred. I think we should all call it a night
and see if this fella can get a little rest.. he still
hasn't to managed to set his alarm clock. I'll get bedward,
it's twoAM, almost for sure hitting a record fifth pill
tho' I have no expectations that It's going to help now.
The quest to bring a sylph or two to my bed to tenderly
rub my several aches away in the confines of my bed or
any other locale they wash whisk me away to. So the pill's
in and now it's stand up and walk away for the short bit..
don't even turn the machine off.. JUST fold the lid down
ttto Welcome to the Machine. It's 205AM.