life.. sliced, dice and julienned

What follows is an mainly unedited transcript of a chat w/one of gal pals.. a group of wimmin I "see" often online, but w/a couple of exceptions, have never met. I've never met Tu.. the conversant in this chat.. from Fri pm. I was NOT feeling good.. I think, but won't KNOW for a day or so, that I am or was shifting from the manic to the the depressive side of the "cycle." One of my co-workers, Glynda, "lost" her son in the plane crash @ Buffalo NY a couple of weeks ago and I am hurting SOOO badly for her. I'll be.. lessay dissapointed, if reading this doesn't prompt a veritable flood of questions and I want you to ask.. in the comment box or email, if you know "how."

peace and hope
-km-

me: ding
Tularia: hey dude
me: how's tricks?
Tularia: same ole
me: how are you feeling and do you have a few min for a whiner?
no pressure.. everybody has a RL
Tularia: I'm feeling pretty decent. What are you needing to whine about?
me: ahh, it's the weird grief and guilt
I'm still ever so much distressed about Glynda's loss
really, the selfish thing about maybe not seeing her again.
Tularia: is she quiting?
me: and it's weird firstly because i don't feel the loss of my G'mother as keenly.. i guess i knew THAT was coming
and..
Tularia: were you very close to your g'mere?
me: I'm certain Jen wouldn't understand why i feel so strongly about Glynda's pain
yeah, very close, the closest
and she was the last of my g'parents
a year annhaf ago she was driving around.
Tularia: maybe because Glynda's death was so unexpected. You never expect to outlive your child, and you can easily relate to that scary thought.
Your g'mere was very old and death was a constant companion for her.
me: Jan a year ago, she had a fall and when she did't get better right away, tests found cancer up and down her spine
Tularia: oh no... that must have been awful
me: yeah.. i had had "death talks" w/both of them.. i kinda know how each feels or felt. about that inevetability
tho' I still expect to live forever
and Mamommie said and knew that @ her age, when you stop moving around, you stop moving
she hada screened in porch w/her bicyle
and for most of the last year, i'd needle her about getting back on her bike for a few min
and this year.. the last several months, i noticed that ater i'd called, talked to her, i felt worse than i did before i called.. so i quit calling
i was angry abou her frail ness 'cause that's not the way i want to remember her
Tularia: sounds like a normal response to knowing someone you love is going to die
me: and when the girls were going "out that way" last week for their concert thing.. i sorta thought i might go with and get dropped @ Mamommie's house for a few days
but when i spoke to my mom and found out how BAD it was out there, i decided i wouldn't go
I guess she showed me, eh.
heh, when we got home, there was a message from Mom on the answering machine telling about the "arrangements".. she clearly didn't think I'd be going out there w/the girls
Tularia: That must have been rough to handle
me: the thing w/Glynda..it's just weird.. and lots of guilt w/it
like.. when i came into the g spot a short while ago, her chat light was on for the first time in two weeks.
and by the time i could form a statement about missing her and put some good thoughts out, she'd bolted.. gone off line
Tularia: she may not be able to confront well-wishers yet
it's a lot to wrap your mind around and deal with on a daily basis.
me: yeah.. that's part of the weird. one of our new English teachers, Stephen, is trained as a pastor.. has done most of his work in and for churches.
he's talked w/Glynda several times.
Geebee went to see Glynda @ her home last weekend.. said she was mainly "good".. much better off than her hubby
Tularia: or she's retaining her grief better than her hubby is
me: there's an "event" @ her home tomorrow pm and a small crowd of folk from the school will go over there after we do a big test prep thing @ the school.
Tularia: you going?
me: yeah.. I've made a point of NOT crowding.
Tularia: good
me: didn't call @ all 'til Stephen sorta prompted me to.. um.. the Sat after that wedpm.
Tularia: I would be upset if you weren't going.
me: And we said about two sentences each before we were both crying too hard to continue
I tried talking to her again, um.. Wed, iguess.
Tularia: sometimes you don't have to SAY anything. Just having the other person's presence there is enough
me: we were both very shakey. and she "acted all indignant " when i said I was fine.. she insisted that i put george on .. it was his phone
she said like.. Ken, let me talk to George, it sounds like you're crying and I want to know if you're lying about it!
it was the lightest and most familiar kinda moment.
I said WELL, you can't talk to him.. George has gone looking for a restroom so you're stuck talking w/me
the "worries" she expresses to me are like.. breaking down in front of her stoonts
Tularia: which would be expected, really
me: MY worry izzat if I don't go to the thing tomorrow, i may never see her again.
Tularia: you NEED to go tomorrow
she needs you there
me: There's an AVERAGE chance that after (if) they go to India to scatter ashes, she may not return. there's nothing to tie her to Houston except her stoonts.
I'm pretty sure there's nothing in her classroom that she'd be "compelled" to come and get.
Tularia: so ask her
if she's coming back
me: yeah.. bunch creepy selfish stuff.
I don't think tomorrow would be the forum for that discuss.
Tularia: then again, it might be just the 'different' subject she needs
me: I'll hafta use Jen's or George's cell to call her some evening.. her home # is long distance from my home #
her cell's not tho'
SO.. that's most of my whiney vent
Tularia: what's the rest of it?
spit it all out now. You'll feel better
me: I've got a pork roast in the crock pot.. just put in about a hour ago.. want to turn it over before i start putting carrots and taters in
Tularia: sounds yummy
me: the rest.. well it's all that creepy stuff about feeling like i hafta hide my Glynda grief from Jen
I wasn't THIS distressed when she lost her Great grandmother or her grandmother.. anni knew 'em both pretty well.
Tularia: Glynda is a good friend to you. It's understandable that you might grieve the loss of her friendship
me: OR any of the three grands of MINE who've passed since we've been married
naahh, it's more complicated than that..
Tularia: 'splain it Lucy
me: this has gotten tagled w/..
lessay an attachment to another, former co-worker
Tularia: Martha
me: which is funny, sort of.
yeah.
y'see, in the real, semi actual course of events
i'd made Glynda the object of my obsesssion first.. and she recognized it and "called me" on it..
we can and will be friends.. y'know
Tularia: So you have a lot of respect for her and count her as a confidante
me: but in the stream, only three or four months before the "Tess" obsess bloomed, i was stressing about how my "sexless affair" w/Glynda seemed a threat to my marriage.
SOOO, in Dec.. George had a Christmassy event @ his home and I took Jen and Hailey over so @ long last Jen could meet George and Glynda
Hailey had met ALL the players before
and.. well something about the way I acted around Glynda (she'd brought her son, the only time I met Dipender)
so.. Jen asks/suggest, that Glynda's "replaced" Martha as my love interest
we three, me, Glyn and Mar.. giggled about it, because we KNEW that Martha had followed Glynda in the successive obsesses
respect. confidant.. yeah. Glynda's been my designated reader.. looking over JUSTabout every line i've writ for.. seven or eight years
Tularia: So it would be like losing a member of the family if she left
me: her background gives her a very DIM view of my psychosis and the meds thing
yeah.. deep loss
and.. she'd be one of those that wouldn't linger.. imean poof, and pretty much out of communication
Tularia: Sometimes that's easier for everyone involved
me: yeah.. so i hear.
Tularia: doesn't sound easier, but it can be
me: oh please.. i don't want to .. yeah. i'm sure it's better
Tularia: The only thing you can do is prepare for that possibility. But you have to KNOW that it's a poss. before you need to worry over it. And the only way to KNOW is to ASK.
me: in a wholly different matter, i've started re working Confessions!
Tularia: cool
me: Going to "trim" the cast of chatty slashettes and try to find a more DSP like resolution
Tularia: good for you! :)
me: of course, i still like the geek saga w/all its streamy "flaws" as the better or best version.. but maybe I'll completely retool that thing.. ditch the "married" angle and make it a "coming around" story..
I've always liked virgin stories.. this could be one
Tularia: yes, it could
easily
me: IF i go for the BIG retool, that opener. i woke w/my cock so hard.. or however that line went will still show up after the "realized kiss" it makes a NICE echo
Tularia: yep
me: and then i'll slide in an altered line where i wake (think i sed opened my eyes) and HIS cock i was so hard it ached... and close there
after appropriate dating and prep
woohoo
Tularia: *G*
Well, I hate to cut this short but my eyes are really heavy. Had storms last night and I didn't get much sleep
me: i would have some fun w/that.. but that work WILL be long and hard..ooohhh
hard
imean difficult
g'nite Stace.. thanx for being you
Tularia: My pleasure *HUGS*

oh CRAP ! !

I guess Willie said it best.. "gee aint it funny, how time slips away."
My old Win 98 platform crashed.. power supply or something, a hardware pror, not the trusted software. Anyhow, I found a machine to "fill the gap" for the psychotically compelled line stringer, and I set a little chunk w/intentions of moving it to the blog.. but that, um, well, it got complicated. in the meatine, txmichele has been by more than a couple of times.
Here's the piece I wanted to post about a month ago..
Yeah, a good news bad news thing. I've got a machine and I like it a lot.. I can get over not having i'net access for a while, but I was "cut" by the way Jen mouthed off suggesting that it was such a priority to get this box uppan running. I 'spose it was, tho;. It JUST sounds worse coming from her. So.. I haven't been able to find the boxes of DW3 disks. That's more aggravating than I can describe. The psychotic swing really is. Maybe I finally got enough Lorazepam (Ativan) in me, after four tries, to get tired. It's only 915pm, but i'm thinking that's socalled time for bed. Maybe tomorrow I can start browsing the disks i'm pretty darn sure I've wiped. Hmmph, it didn't take long to check the dozen or so disks i'd stashed in a bag. oh cool, I guess, this version of the malicious interface seems to be lazy and capricious about inserting caps. that'll be fun to watch and a bitch to edit. imean, @ what point do it decide the demonstration's gone quite far enough? So the machine is a blank slate and so are all the disks I've been able to find. I'm sure that SOMEdamnWHERE i've got a couple of small boxes loaded w/old DW3 files.. but I don't have a clue where they are. AND, I guess I mighta mentioned that I don't have i'net access w/this box, either. SO.. the only real purpose it serves is to help me out of the "typing emergency." I can live w/that for a while. I miss the smurf and I miss the dism .. but I could move some dism back to disk from the j'drive @ school if I really wanted to. Yeah, i've got options. Let's focus on averting the typing emergencies for a while and see how that goes. My rc impression izzat I'll be going to bed shortly. it's coming up on 1030pm, I think that's close enough to call it a night. Maybe not. Let's play w/the meds! That's usually a hoot. I'm going to forego the pm dose of the maint med Depakote and hit the Lexapro. There's a story there, but i'm not going into it write away. Oh, I need to get the timeset in. it's 1-30-09 @ 1042pm, i'm sitting in the office of the K'wood manse w/Johnny Cash accompanying himself w/his old guitar on some good old hymns in the hedfones. I'd like to be able to get this bit up on the "new" G blog, already. Maybe i'll get up and go check it out and use Jen's machine to put it up in the AM. i'm very interested in whether txmichele has been back. I'll make a point of noting that email addy she mentioned in her initial comment. Oh, here's a mentioned prayer for Angela's peace of mind and success w/her big test tomorrow. I think it's her certification on the line. Best wishes, gelita. At this point in the festivities, i'm thinking iota load up the, um, what's the name of the superfluous sleep aid.. AMBIEN! yeah, it's socalled time to hit the Ambien trail. Ah crap, I keep doing all that lexiKen stuff that txmi doesn't have the background to "unnerstan" ibetcha.. like that one. That's why I want to get in and see if she's been back to writ here writ.. i'm very interested in whether or how she coped w/the anticonvention. It's a vain Ken thing. The sleep aid is in, it's elevenpm. Let's all watch closely and see if the usual precursors slide by.. the tingly scalp, facial sag, sloppy finger work. There's @ least an average chance that the Lexapro will keep those familiar signs from manifesting. Yeah. Dope, why do you think they call 'em drugs? Happy Fri, ya'll. I will almost definitely f'sure make the perfect child gimme some min on her mom's 'puter in the AM so I can get this li'l screed posted @ writ here writ now. It seems like the thing to do. And if txmichele HASN'T been back, oh well, i'm going to put it up any way. And BY the way, the computer I'd been babying along.. the Win98 jobber.. ran out of steam Mon. I came in, pushed the power button, and nothing happened, and never did after that. Prob'ly a simple and cheap fix but I can't see putting a nickel into that machine, the fan was going out, too.. and I've been keeping all MY stuff on a jump drive. The relative THIS machine was built by my cousin, Jeff, fifteen years or so ago. It's a 386, if that means anything to you. It's REALLY old. It's got ports for 5" and 3" disks! That's the main reason we've kept it around. Hmm, 1112pm, I'm goin' to s'pose that the Lexapro has rendered the superfluous sleep aid completely useless. I kinda thought that might happen. It doesn't matter, tho'.. I'm going to go get under the mask and ibetcha I can slip thru' the gates of slumberland w/in ten or fifteen min. If not, I'll prob'ly be back in the relative here clutching a pen for a while. The pen stuff is usually more "soothing" than typing; I figure it has something to do w/the slower and more "controlled" rate of compostion. It's JUST a theory.

peace and hope
-km-