gettin' there.. face fulla salt

I can tell you for a fact that little bitty shit whips up the salt breeze.
Like today.
Yeah, like today when she said I remember lunchin'..
And you sent back big grins that weren't there.
I was there.
And so you were. And poised to..
No, I would never again bring that up.
You need to, even if it's only in here.
It'd hafta be only in here and w/no chance of getting OUT of here.
Well, you have as much to do w/that as any of us.
So.. for the unrecord the breeze swept in and I was slightly tempted to cop to it.. tell her it hurts, still, when I think about such good times.
Dude, I feel for ya.
Your cheeks are wet, too.
Yeah, imagine that. So, I guess there's no getting over it.. over her.
And the hell of it is that there was, you know, only the .. what would you call it?
The weird. The stoopid voluntary heartbreak.. and there could never be anything else.
Yeah, that's the really amazing part. I knew it.. the stuff I felt, the weird in my head, could only exist, could only grow in my head.
Ha! Made a big fat lair out of all of us, eh.. it grew quite abundantly in my heart.
Yeah, funny how shit worx out.
Well, I reckon it was noble and admirable of you NOT to mention.. you know.
Yeah, plenty considerate not to say anything about the salt breeze or..
Yeah.
The hole. I, well.. I think I know that it never was "that way" for her and even if it HAD been, I'd like to think that both of us treasured the sanctity of our marriage(s) to never act on the .. impulse. But, @ the same time, I.. wonder. I kinda think it would give some much needed validation to my feelings if..
I think I understand.. sort of that whole mighta coulda been, if only.
If only.
What the fuck was THAT about?
The share? It JUST seemed like the thing to do @ the time.
I guess you've got to go over to MoodTracker and make that adjustment on your chart.
Oh, show the mix.
Yeah, gonna call that mild?
Why, do you want to chart it moderate?
Yeah, I'd go w/mod and mention the spike in the notes.
FINE, let's go do that distractive task now.
Feel better?
You know I don't. I came back thru' the G spot and, well, I was hoping that txmi had chimed in w/some sympathy and, not finding that, I was going to inflict my misery on Tu.. she had her writing on light earlier. BUT when I clicked the reveal, only..
Yeah.
And for JUST a second I thought it'd be okay to tell Martha that I was..
What a noble fella you've turned into thispm.
It doesn't make any sense to drag her down. The best she could do is run the refrain of "if you want me to quit.." and I can't do that and I truly couldn't bear telling her I need ..
You need..
I crave that tiny insubstantial contact we've got.
She'd say it's not inconsequential, offer assurances that my contribution is valued.
And keep me hanging on.
But that's not cruel.
I can't think of it that way. I've got to call ME masochistic. Oh shit, guess who JUST dinged in. I really can't take this. It's fight or flight; I'm fleeing the scene.

> On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 9:38 AM, wrote:
>> OMG.. absolutely loving Jess' present.
glad for the the big desk
ew ew ew
lol

She sed - - *snicker* Mock outrage does become you so

Kensed - - I'm glad you..
unnerstan
approve
get such giggles from my discomfiture

I do, too - -

And she replied - - It makes me smile just thinking about all the lunches we shared in your room and then in George's room, how carefully we brought him into that conversation. - -

IF there was such a thing as a trigger, that smile line would be it.. that's where the salt breeze swept in.

My reply - -ahhh, big grins.
I'm going to feed some of my peers some beefy rice-n-beans
taco/burritos this week and then do the big batcho breakfast tacos
this weekend for the ELA meet, prob'ly Mon.
AND try to get "book reports" from Glynda (Caught..) and Angela (Alliance). - -

And it was..so freakin normal.. so light
Yeah, now this.
Annit's elevenpm, um Wed. Testing, for my classes, starts tomorrow. I've got first and fourth. I had JUST enough time on my hands today to get some great reads and chats w/the celebrated authoress and JUST enough of that to invoke .. traumatic weeps. Yeah, go figure. And I s'pose I'm past ready to get bedward, but I'm gonna hold off a li'l bit and then hit the superfluous sleep aid. I reckon I feel like I need or maybe deserve some chemical funs. I didn't dope tho' annit's ThuAM. I've got two groups testing today, the first period Eng I class and the fourth p Eng II. Prob'ly the two best as far as coming in and getting settled. That's good, I'm still feeling a bit brittle. After three quarters of a Lorazepam tab, tho', brittle really isn't it.. I'm soft and melty, def ready for some nap.
I don't even know how to address what's happened in the interim. I s'pose the easiest thing is to say it's been a wild ride. A weekend that's made me wonder if the meds had completely forsaken me. Lemme try a little summary.. it's rc a quarter 'til fourAM, Sun. twenty-four hours ago I was a manic fool. Around nineAM Sat, I went down and when the nap set in it came HARD and I've only been out of bed, to get fed a couple of times, for about an hour or so.. well, I've been up since around 3AM. I don't remember how Fri went.. lessee, the girls were gone to get Megan, um, I probably went to bed early and got up around sixAM Sat. And stayed up. RCnow I feel mostly shitty and I know I need to get a couple of things done.. the last of the grading and cooking up the taco stuff. By fiveAM the grade task is largely in hand, yay. I'm going to take a chance on masking up for a while, hoping to get up, spray the yard and maybe get the cooking done.
Fuck this. Nearly midnite Mon.. when I look @ the account of the weekend, it seems ALL wrong. I guess I could go into the sent mail and find some evidence, but I'm thinking that Fri was the manic nite and after a couple hours sleep I got up Sat, mowed, went back to bed and stayed mainly there 'til tenpm or so Sun. I -did- get the spraying done SunAM.. went back to bed, got up and did the taco cook and wrap. Oh well, if it gets to be a REAL point of contention, I'm certain the ambitious archivist could sort it out. The faculty feed was good, it almost always is.

Tuepm, eh. JUST barely and I'm still in the c'room in the nearly quiet wake of the early dismissal. The powers that wannabe have directed the faculty we show up for a meeting in about ten min. I'll go. Of course I'll go. I'm not liking staying in the c'room. I've gotten et up w/ennui.. not liking anything very much. And.. anxious.. really really anxious. I chipped a chill pill and I'm sure it'll be a considerable challenge not to crawl under the mask when I get home.. I need to get a wrap on the grading task tonight.. it's not hard to imagine a scenario of going in and napping for several hours, counting on getting up and getting the grades knocked out. It sounds, frankly, like a recipe for disaster, but.. also quite familiar.. oh well.
Yeah, 1030pm, um Tue, the superfluous sleep aid's in. I've simply gotten tired of fucking around w/the grade task. it's all done on paper, it's the machine part that messin' w/me. I'll f'sure get over that, too. Mainly, I want to have the crapfest behind me and the only way that's going to happen is if I can work thru' the immediate problems getting necessary shit done. Yep, I can tell I'm heading RIGHT into some stoopid my life sucks stage. It doesn't of course; my life is mainly grand, but I'm going to be feeling like I don't deserve to share air w/.. anybody and do deserve all the perceived slights that I can possibly imagine. I'd like to say I'm looking forward to it, heh, but that really WOULD be crazy. No, I recognize that it's JUST one of those things and I'll hafta ride it out. Let's try riding out, this time, w/out tweaking the meds the way you have the relative last couple of times.
Socalled times.
Yeah, somethinglike that.
Yeah them, too.
WedAm, yeah, had to check, tho'.. I'm sofa king anxious. It can't be pretty AND the em ef Pentamation seems to be down.. non functioning.. keeping me from getting the last of the grades in. Definitely a day for the kids to be staying home.. somehow, I don't think it's going to work that way and ibetcha that a near majority of the stoonts in the bldg today came to see some bit of evil perpetrated. Maybe it's JUST the anxious talking.. well, f'sure it's the anxious talking. I took haffa tab of Lorazepam before I left the house.. after discovering the Pentamation's down.. that's double the usual chipped dose.
ThuAM.. before school up and feeling.. good, this is prob'ly close enough to normal. I'm not noticeably anxious.. a change from the relative last couple or four days.. and I don't feel the swing moving @ all. Maybe I can go in.. oh yeah, I haven't left the house yet.. and get stuff packed and maybe get enough signatures to pass for signed out. I'm in NO hurry to get in, that's for sure, so maybe there IS a tiny bit of anxious ness.. I haven't even started rounding up tape and stuff I know I'll want to take w/me.. markers.. maybe a box or two. I'm pretty sure I can find a box in the garage. I'm nearly certain that the school's not going to provide any of the stuff we'll need to make our necessary moves. Yup that's all it took to bring in the anxious; I reckon I'll chip the Lorazepam on the way into the shower and we'll see how it goes from there.
Okay.. @ the school rcnow @ tenAM been shuffled thru' a meeting or so and I've gotten one signature. Mostly I've gotten way much aggravated. I chomped haffatab of Lorazepam on the way in.. I could tell it was going to be that kind of a day. I have not been disappointed. I'm still anxious enough to jump out of my skin, but much looking forward to lunchin' w/George and Glynda.
Ans so went Wed.. no wait, that was Thu.. School hasn't been out a whole day and I can't keep 'em straight already. Oh well. So, lunch was good, of course. And almost of course, I didn't make substantial progress t'wards getting checked out. I figure I'll go in Mon and give it another shot. Maybe taking a couple or three days to "clear my head" and.. whatever will put me in a better headspace to get that shit done.
I had intended to come in w/an observation that writing into the compost spot in the gmail box has gotten to be the norm, rather than the exception for my oh nine entries; I'm sure there's a reason for that.
Wow. Oh, it's Reparation. I'm nearly done w/the third read and getting some serious weep. I don't mind. I've got another project or two I'd like to spend some socalled time on. I'm going to try to make an old doc more interesting.. JUST for fun and I want to get the ink stream flowing JUST to fill some pages. Anyhow, I came in mainly to let the salt breeze clear.
Mmm, okay.. that worked out all right I reckon. I'm done w/the read and it's been sent to.. Ariel.
Heh, that crax me up
Yeah?
Yeah, still can't do the naming thing.
Well, y'know it's Ariel's text.
You sent it to Martha.
Yeah. And in other news, I see that Ambien got reviewed in Rolling Stone. It seems that the fun is quite well documented. Well, no good deed goes unpunished.
Is s'pose that's one way to look @ it.
So, the pill's in.
Yeah.
The wait..
Yeah I'll try to sit thru the targeted fifteen min, oh did y'notice that RS also pointed to that window.. apparently it's a design thing.
Well, it sure comes on fast.
Yeah, and then the fun maybe unleashed.
Yeah, let the bum out.
Of course, I was already leaning t'wards the manic fool.
Yeah, and after you let this sleepy window close..
Which I'm about to do. Oh I'm also about to get bedward w/out taking the pm meds. I should go do that.
I think it can wait haffan hour or so.
Really, that long?
I don't think you're going anywhere.
Ohh kaaaay. Was there something you wanted to, um, discuss?
Huh? No, I simply like the chemical funs. Wanna beer?
That sounds like a really good thing.
So, go get the late meds and snag one of the last couple of brews. Aaand I'm back.
Are you doing that shit for, like, some theatrical effect.
Yeah, it's like a long spoken vowel.
Stop it.
Um, sure.. okay. I was saying, I'm back w/the beer, I got the Depakote in and the cited Ambien doze window's slammed shut.
Damn, dude, I guess you're on your own.
I'll be fine. Hey, since we're doping again, how 'bout a spit and..
What else could there be?
I'll think of something, go load the Cope.
You'd mentioned, earlier, an archival project.
I'm not sure I reffed it that way, but I know what you're talking about. The um, 14 pg mobi collage file.
Yeah, how's that coming?
When I got thru' w/the read, I kinda lost interest in going back in and doing the commentary.
Oh, stand by for some stoooooppid shit. I was going to put this in a separate doc, but it sorta fits and it's NOT like the Asupi page count is EVER going to catch up again. Okay, here's the intro.. Why I love her, still.
Use the name.
Martha. Okay, this takes a bit of set up.. in her rclatest fic there's a triangle brewing as best friends fall for the same fella. It's a BDSM tale and the fella is the designated sub. I won't go into the whole story line, @ the point coming thru' in the rc chapt, the one guy has only JUST realized he's falling for the fella his bf has already sorta claimed dibs on. This is going to take a bit of crafting.
Evan and Rhys are the BFs, Takoda the desig sub. After seven chapts of set up they have their first "session," Evan is the desi dom. It has to be that way, it's a plot point. So here's a couple of clips from the chapt, followed by some chat that came along as I was reading the chapt.

Evan pulled Takoda in front of him again, arms around his waist.
"For a good Dom, a session is all about the sub and what he needs," Evan said. "Rhys needed to be punished and absolved. I provided the punishment. You provided the absolution.

Evan was tempted to open his trousers and grind against Takoda's ass, but he was afraid that would be too much for his still wary sub. Next time, maybe. For now, he needed to work on proving that, in his sessions anyway, it was all about the sub.

Oh, the things he would teach Takoda if the sub were really his!
The thought shocked Evan so much he nearly took a step back. Only the knowledge that Takoda would surely fall if he did kept him in place. Shit. He'd been so worried about Takoda falling for him that he hadn't kept a tight enough rein on his own emotions. He pushed them away. He and Rhys had never poached on each other's preserves, and he'd seen the way Rhys reacted to a simple kiss from Takoda. They belonged together. Evan would just have to suck it up and remind himself what he was there for: to get Rhys and Takoda together the way they belonged.
It's all about the sub, he chanted silently as he forced his hands to keep moving, forced himself to act like nothing had changed.


me: all about the sub, eh
Ariel: yeah, that's the theme
and what Takoda has to come to believe
me: i can't tell you.. well i guess i shall.. how much it reminds me of all
about the work
snort
Ariel: :)
the little deceptions that let us go on with our lives
me: this is such a nice n hot chapt
brava!
Ariel: good
it was time to start turning up the heat a little
me: yeah.. I'll get back to you w/a note about a sect that kinda bogs down in
expo
Ariel: in this chapter?
or in one of the earlier ones?
me: nah, something I saw thisAM
Ariel: ok

And so it went, and so it goes. I didn't "feel" the giggly snort, but it had to come in to keep the salt breeze out. She knows. She knows I know she knows. There's no reason to put her in a position of justifying the.. shit I can't stay out of. Her line about little deceptions is way much familiar. So, I think I had a point and it's prob'ly the same one I didn't make the relative last time I clipped in some chat w/her.. maybe I did. How deftly the bull charges thru' that china shop and how little sweeping up needs done afterwards.
How little weeping up GETS done.
Oh.. you again.
It's been a day, eh.
Yeah, and heading into another @ oneAM Mon.. still feeding my ass to the ennui. It's probably not a good idea to take the child to the school t'morrow.
In the morrow, it's actually later today.
Whatever. YOU need to get some sleep.
I'd do that if you weren't in here playin' on the k'board.. and before this it was the page.
Maybe I've got something to say.
Do you?
I feel like crap.
That's kinda JUST too bad; I feel fine. I'm going in and moving some shit around and getting some stuff turned in to Glynda in exchange for signatures and if I can get signed off for keys and inventory or whateverthefuck Rivers thinks he needs then I'll be out in somethinglike a hurry.
Yeah? I think it'd be a hoot to take Hailey to eat lunch.
I think she'd get in the way of the conversations I want to have w/Glynda and 'gelita.
Think Glynda will have anything to say about the doc I put together for her?
I'm interested in whether she'll say she knew, she remembers or act surprised.
She's not gonna act surprised.
It's a, um, heady mix of sex and religion.
And it's very personal, the point to be made that she treated it kinda differently from the way Martha did.
Kinda.
Do you think she'll be interested in why the doc got assembled in the relative now?
Do you think she'll voice those interests or the theory that doubtlessly underpins it?
Ahhh, fella.. she says about as much as George does.
But I left the author's intent gate swinging wide and clattering loudly against the fence.
It's so obvious, tho', and you can't count on her to rise to being so almost evidently baited.
Well, there's no question that I don't want to have that converse in front of Hailey. It goes, or could go, too many places that are too weird for her to see.
You should definitely shut up and go to bed. I saw a yawn.
Yeah, I should go get under the mask.
Go on, we'll be fine.
Excuse me?
Really you'll rest better w/out us in there.
Yawn. I'll JUST sorta curl up in that corner and go when y'all get ready.
Think he's out?
Yeah, he's a big fan of naps; he's down for @ least haffan hour.
Is it mean to be considering ways to get out w/out the perfect child?
No more wrong than going in w/no intent of getting stuff done properly,
Well, all I know for sure izzat I'm JUSTabout terminally unenthused about getting in and out.
Part of it is that funked up room assignment mess.
It's a mess, that's f'sure.
And then there's the
Stepped away and lost that one, didn't you?
I think I was going for a reminder about being et up w/ennui and kinda not givin' haffa crap whether it's done right or to specs or anyone's satisfaction.
I noticed that you deleted the Yeah doc we crafted for Glynda.
It got sent, if you want a copy, it's in the sent mail pile.
I only wanted to mention that I put a doc together and got it out.
Yay, you.
I
Five.
What?
Five of seven lines beginning w/that pronoun.
There, I fixed a typo, bring the abhorrent average down a bit. The doc I pasted up for Glynda.. that's sort of a present, a reminder of the huge space she has or had in my life.