long damn weekend

..annit's not over YET ! !

3-26-10 it does not feel like a Friday,, but the kiddos see
mainly sedate so I'm going to whine about that, Yup, I'm @
school, rc second period's in; it seemed like about half of
first didn't show up, that's fine, too. I prob'ly -could- get
a 'good reading' on the psychic condition.. running slightly
manic, evidenced by less sleep, shorter temper, more smurf,
and generally distracted racing thoughts. I can stand it..
b'lieve me, I like it a whole lot better than the slight dep
evidenced by escapist naps, quick frustration, low libido,
and tendency to easy weeps. When I did the MT chart rc last
night, it looked like I'd spent all of yesterday and the day
before AND part of, um Wed in the 'slightly elevated' range.
It's especially nice if I can get thru' the weekend w/that
slightly 'raised' edge, it makes getting the paper crap
(untend) taken care of much more likely. Well, up to a point,
y'know.. when the maniac gets into that ADHD short attention
span crap, very little gets what you'd recognize as accomplished.
So fifth comes in.. always less fun than usual. Couple that
w/the the mania's temper and it's a grueling start. It gets
some better after I throttle one kid and behead another.. the
rest sorta fell in line after that. In the something to look
forward to, dept., I'll start picking up George's kids (@ last)
Mon. Of course, it's one of those things I had to force action
on and I'm not especially pleased w/the way it'll work out
but.. it's better for me to bring a couple of kids into classes
where I've got some seats than have 'em wandering the halls
"off the grid." Fucking school.. can't keep it out of mind.
Look around, fella, I think it's GOING to dominate while
you're in the c'room.
Yeah, that's prob'ly write.. what else is there, how badly I
need to go pee? Whew.. glad THAT came out, y'know, came out
well; it'll make the remaining haffan hour much easier to
bear. It did and almost suddenly I've got seventh coming in
and I expect they'll want some attention. Yeah, we played a
game I showed them yesterpm.. their suggestion, which I'd
anticipated. The game is a neat vocab thing working off a list
of words that can be used as, both, noun and verbs. Before
they came in, I was browsing some old files and file a pile
of links.. I'm pretty sure they don't work, but I've kinda
got a strategy.. I may or may not tell more about it. The
girls are going out.. for a while, they've got a couple of
errands and they're bringing Meagan back. OR, it coulda been
a sorta self-fulfilling prophecy as I stoopidly left a smurf
window open.. one of those weird accidents like I didn't know
it was there, but minimized the Gspot before I headed to the
potty and guess what came up in the space I didn't look @ in
my haste to walk away. Oh well, nothing like a little extra
tension. Let's do the chart and take a pill. Midnite is nigh
upon us, I think I, for one, would like to get unconscious
for a while. But I got drawn into New Moon, playing in the
living room, and by the socalled time Edward says Marry me,
Bella, it's oneAM. Oh well, s'more. I did the MoodTracker
thing and dropped the superfluous sleep aid in. it could
still be close to an hour before I decide I'm ready, again,
to get between the mask and pillow. Jen keeps sniping and I
keep getting way irritated. She's write anniguess she's
entitled, but I don't think that means I hafta like it. So
that's the way that goes. Busted again.. dope, smut, communicating w/Martha, it's always something. I can see that it would be
easy, ibetcha, to sit and play for another hour, drop @ least
one more Ambien in, JUST to keep from finding out if my honey's
got something from her side of the bed. I'm much interested in
whether the mania's banished, rcnow, after a decent three-day
run. But since my right arm is doing the stress-fatigue thing..
it's a comfort shuffle trick to get me to bail on the typing
task, um, not being able to get comfortable will work against
staying @ the k'board. I could try switching to the pen for a
line or few; I usually try not to do much ink work when I'm
doping 'cause it's nearly impossible to fix when it gets
sloppy. Yup, that's a huge advantage for the k'board and the
electronic edit crew. Hmm, 112AM and I'm sure I'd feel a lot
better headin' on to bed. Jen's apparently going to stay up
for another little while and I can probably get in and, y'know,
out before she comes back to bed.. and I won't be hearing
what she has to say.
Satpm.. cooking some chili. Marking some papers.. but THAT
quit being interesting in a hurry, the papers imean. It’s
after ninepm, ibetcha I could get away w/some Ambien abuse,
except for the cooking thing, so I’ll amuse m’self rereading
Twilight.
3-28-10 I was up ‘til around threeAM finishing the read then
I slept ‘til after twopm ad today will be spent in mortal
combat w/Jen. She’s stressed about having Meagan around and
pissed about finding the smurf window open and I’m.. well,
I’m feeling much put upon. I’ve got the usual weekend untend
and that stoopid incident that Jen’s going to trot out every
time she has a point to make about my time mismanagement or..
yeah I’ll be hearing about it for a a while plus.. well there’s
a list and I’d like not to be thinking about it. I suppose,
tho’ there’s no escaping shit that so predominates the..
environment. It aint pretty and it’s exactly the kinda stuff
that’s likely to have me looking for nap ops JUST to keep
from being out in it… and that so freakin’ counterproductive,
y’know, ‘cause it keeps anything from getting done and the
nothing getting done is sorta @ the heart of the stress mess.
Oh well, them’s the breaks. So.. yesterpm, I think it was Sat., mightabeen Fripm, I sent Steven that pg chunk of the albatross
headed ‘couch trippin’. It’s reffed that way ‘cause the chunk
is in the Fak Chr and the relative current file as well as
being posted @ A Muse under the same head. Um, anyhow, I haven’t
heard from him. I need, or want to send notes to Chas and to
George.. mostly I want to NOT do anything and NOT hear Jens
voice. I’m, like ised, feelin’ much put upon, but I don’t want
to do anything except wallow, I know that’s a poor reaction
and that it’s a very self-destructive outlook paired t/a
similarly destructive behavior, but I kinda don’t care.. okay
I –do- care, that’s why I mention it, that’s why it bothers
me and maybe perhaps, after the fourth or fifth mention, I’ll
decide that I really must “snap out of it” and actually do
some shit, but for the relative moment, I’m going to try to
keep my head down and drink coffee ‘till I absolutely can’t
drink anymore w/out putting some good starches in to soak up
the acid.. and well, that’s all I can stand to plan for.. I
spent a few min clutching the pen anniguess I feel some better.
Hell, I’ll prob’ly start workin’ t’wards some constructive
tasks inna while. One of the thing that came up in the ink
stream was a line about “not real blood” .. um another ref
that’s buried in.. well the Fak Chr would be the easiest place
to find it. When we came back from our first trip to Colo and
I’d done the GreGoo p2, I hatched a metaphor that centered on
the grisly image of having limbs severed, walking wounded,
feeling my boots full of blood and squishing w/each step.. I
haven’t worn boots in.. well, almost since Jen and I got
married.. she didn’t like them. Idunno, it sorta made me want
to do a topical thing about missing Jen’s affection.. her
physical touches. She takes really good care of me. Materially..
I don’t know how to explain it. She hasn’t give me her mouth
to kiss for three years or so.. maybe once, if we were having
sex, but I wouldn’t swear to that and ibetcha we haven’t had
sex for three years. This is very hard for me, not JUST the
admission, but the reality OF the admission. I want more than
anything to hold my wife, to give her tender kisses to.. but
she won’t abide it. I could go back to before .. my dx in
July ‘05 ..sometime waaay back when she sorta shut down. For
a while she’d.. initiate sex and fuck me silly.. y’know, um,
when we were in Colo on the cited trip, she jumped me three
nights in a row w/two eleven year olds (I think Hailey mighta
been ten and li’l Jennifer eleven) sleeping @ the foot of our
rented bed. But even before that she was not reciprocating
the touches, the little caresses, hugs and strokes, that I
crave. I’ve told her more times than I can count that I need
her hugs and kisses like I need oxygen and she.. doesn’t get
it or discounts my.. I don’t bring this up as a justification
for, y’know, masturbating in the smurf, my porn addiction is
such that I’d very prob’ly do that (often) even if Jen was
hosing me every night. It’s about the simple need to hold her
and the way she pulls away. I truly believe that I haven’t
tasted the inside of her mouth except when we were having sex
for ten years or so, maybe fifteen.. it’s been a really long
time and that’s given sad weight to that thing about having
sex, which is always delicious, but I feel like no love is
being made. So what’s a poor boy to do? I’ve lived w/Jen for
27 years and I don’t know how to please her, how to win her
affection. And it hurts. It hurts because I know that I’ve
NOT been a good friend, not been a good partner and I s’pose
I’m JUST socially retarded that way. Even w/Chas and Steve,
or George and Stephen.. or Martha and Glynda, I take lots more
than I give and I seldom offer anything except my confidences,
which may be unwanted. So, here’s my tag line (tho’ I’ll
prob’ly continue this pathetic ramble for a while).. I love
my wife and I miss her terribly, especially when she’s close
enough to touch but can’t be. Yeah, so I’m running down from
a string of four days on the “up side” of my psychotic arc,
there’s not much question about that, and I’m sorta locked
into this “navel gazing” wallow. I want, more than almost
anything else, to weep, to curl up somewhere and bawl my eyes
out.. and idunno, on the one hand be completely alone and
unnoticed, but on the other hand post the awful ness that I’ve
spewed into this hole @ A Muse.. maybe put it @ my GooBlog,
fewer folk are likely to see it there, but I still get that
peculiar satisfaction of “sharing” my perceived misery. Of
course, wouldn’t y’know, I kinda feel a whole better JUST for
having done the cathartic vent.. I ‘spose that should be much
of a surprise. I think that one of the things I appreciate
about slash is that section in so many of the stories where
one of the men is full of doubt about whether he’s allowed
to touch his lover in the gentle way he wants.. that very
identifiable fear of being rebuffed.. well, that and the
romance. I’ve developed a taste for romance stories that has
truly surprised me. Twilight, f’rinstance, and the Catherine
Marshall thing, Christie, that Glynda turned me on to. oh, I
took a few min and marked a few papers, that task still holds
less than no interest. So, um, I did the whine, to feeling a
bit better. I guess I wanna see about doing a post, that’ll
complete the wallow, maybe tonight I’ll browse Her Two Dads
s’more, if I still feel the need for a weep. It’s still early..
630pm, 3-28-10. I think I’ll put this up @ BOTH blogs.

peace and hope
-km-