Not giving up

4-20-10 Back from therapy. I had a restless night..
not exactly restless, I got my sleep, but I kept
waking too often after the 130AM pop.. finally,
around 420AM I got up and came to the office where
I stayed mainly occupied in the smurf for most of
five hours ‘til I went to see Shirl. I still don’t
have much for objectives, but I think that this is
going to be a more positive experience than I
remember the previous el tee being.. imean, except
for Suzana being soo damn good looking (Shirl, eh,
not so much), I think that this gal will keep me on
track, if there’s a track to get on, so far that’s
still very vague. Shirl WILL stop me from telling
stories JUST to be telling stories, so the bitto
theater aspect that seems so large, before, is
absent this scalled time. So, here sits Ken, tense
and clueless and tense about being clues and
clueless about why I’m tense. Poof, tiny poof
actually.. I did a few lines in the LZ file and
noticed that Jen had gotten up so I went to the
other side of the door for a short short.. fix and
ate a couple of fishy sammiches and then stretched
out for about, um I guess about a couple hours of
nap.. it’s rc 250pm. Once I started sliding into
the drowse, it was really really hard to stir off
the couch. I’ll be okay, we’ll call it simple nap..
not overly long.
Quit staring.
I don’t know what else to do.
Move your fingers.
Yeah, okay.
It’s not so hard is it?
I s’pose not.
How’s the coffee?
Best I’ve made in a while.
You, um..
Yeah, lots of um. I was wondering if one of the
reasons I have such a hard time talking to Jen is
that you I we don’t want her to worry.. sort of
need to be strong for her thing going on. I can’t
tell her about the job and I can’t tell her about
my psychosis.
More stress she doesn’t need.
Like I’m protecting her.
At the expense of..
See that’s the thing. I’ve spent a lot of socalled
time mourning the loss of intimacy.. figuring I was
prob’ly @ fault for undermining her trust and..
What?
Loads of stuff I don’t know how to talk about it..
even w/me.
That’s only kinda weird.
Tell me about it.
I’ve been going into the archives and finding odd
weeps. Sometimes it’s emo stuff like the Ranger
lines.. rc JUST now it was this little piece of
cheese that jolted me so hard I had to shut the file.
Cheese.
Martha stuff.
I know, I was fishing for details.
It’s was so weird.. I didn’t even see the context,
only her comment, “an adventure.. like the
adventure girl?”
Oh.
You expect me to connect the dots backward from the
penance piece to the .. I can’t, not w/out going to
get the documentation.
So much what if, huh.
I can’t let myself or yourself think that way.
Okay, I’ll, um, not then.
So, we’re back to watching the fingers not move.
Try to keep ‘em out of the eye brows and moustache.
Dude..i’m going to break apart.
I think you ought to let go as much as you can and
there’s not a safer place than the relative here.
Shirl asked if I was familiar w/emotional affairs.
Yeah, I’d already mentioned sexless affairs..
So.. the elf.
Yeah.
So now all my love brings me only pain.
It’s not supposed to be that way.
That’s my line.
Breaking.. down and not making any sense.
You’re doing fine, I know exactly what you mean.
I reckon that’s good enough the.
Yeah, don’t try to explain.
How do I sort it out w/out going thru’ the motions
of explanation?
Go thru’ the motions if it helps.
There’s no good place to start.
I miss Jen.. been missing her for years I was
missing her, I’m sure, when I started showing
notebooks to Glynda. I’d bet that was part of
the reason, the rationale for getting.. into
that entanglement.
That’s an odd term.
You know that I love Glynda.
I know that.
You know that it’s a way much different love than
I have for Chas or even George.
Can you compare it to my love for..
My love?
Our love, your love.. for Martha.. or Jen.
Wow. Love.. I can’t do this. Every part of this
discuss is more painful than I can stand.
Try a different tack. Look @ the crazy thing..
Remember Shirl asking what I considered crazy.
Yeah. My love.. our love. Crazy.
I won’t deny that.
Do you see the peculiarly possessive tone?
You can love Martha but I can’t..
That’s not fair.
I was there, I know how the string broke.
Okay, maybe you have a point.
Maybe. The phrase dirty little secret is suggested.
There aren’t any secrets in here, tho’, are there?
Only the stuff you haven’t admitted yet.
Admitted into evidence.
Evidence of thought crimes.
Change, slightly, of topic.. what are you looking
for in the archives?
Distraction.
I know that’s what you say.. really, is that all
there is to it?
That’s enough. I’ve been seriously in need of
distraction; it.. man, you’re here, you know what
it’s like. I absolutely can’t stand to be alone in
my own head.
So the drama.
Yeah, loads of personal angst; I guess I should
keep it to myself.
No, I’m here for you, buddy.
I feel crazy, these are the crazy intervals.. I
feel like I’m literally falling apart. I hurt and
I don’t know what to do or who to tell.. or what
I would say. This is a wallow, huh?
Don’t sweat it, I’m not going to tell you to shut up.
I’m not sure this is helpful.
Do you think it’s harmful, or hurtful?
I’m thinking that, from a mental health standpoint,
if I’m feel like I’m, as I said, coming apart, then
this particular exercise is more conducive to further
splintering or shattering than healing.
Because of the dialogue voices thing..
Yeah, exactly.
So I should shut up? I can let you do a monologue; I
thought I was helping.
So..
Yeah?
You know, rushing to post this exchange.
I’m sure there’s a point, but I fail to see it.
Yeah, well, I.. I guess I wanted to put it out JUST
to see if anyone would acknowledge seeing it.
Okay, good luck w/that; y’know you COULD simply
email the piece to, um, anyone you think..
That would put folk on the spot, sort of. Then they
nearly HAVE to, um, respond, and I don’t want to
make anyone more uncomfortable than I’ve made myself.


peace and hope
-km-