checkin' in

AND>> on my way to scrape a few pages off my clipboard, I checked on the one other blog I watch.. it was informative. I still WANT to know how to get only the first few lines of my posts to show, like @ the dashboard. I learned that the G'blog notifier, which regularly put the comments -I- leave @ that blog in my Gmailbox, tho' -replies- to my comments DON'T find their way in. So, I guess if I want to know that my comments have been received and acknowledged, I hafta go visit each entry I've commented on periodically. I can handle that, and I've wondered about it for a while. Anyhow, I'm starting (it seems) into a manic upswing and the maniac wants to do the vain Ken thing. I've already clipped this chunk out of my journal and emailed it to that erstwhile group I call the slashettes.. and BTW, they're sort of the topical focus of of this screed if there be such a beast (topical focus). This is NOT a short read, it runs about nine pgs; and it's from early to mid-March. Mainly I'm fishing.. trying to get my K'wood galpal to send up a flare and let me know she's fine and maybe that I've made the ascendency to favorite, or @ least favored, writer. And now as Mae West amost famously said (I think it was Mae, maybe it was Ros Russel), "Fasten your seat belts, it looks like a bumpy ride."

= = = = = = =

I gotta get some cooking done and get started on the untend. I'm certain that prog reps go out next week and I've made a kinda large deal about pushing the kids w/much work. SOME of it has to get somekinda evaluation. Of course, I want only to sit and play.. well actually I'd like for the girls to leave and let me sit and play; I'm a bit anxious about trying to harvest s'more dism while Jen's around. Except for the fact that she does go out almost every evening, tho', there's nothing to indicate that I'm fixin' to have some time for dissipative leisure. I started cooking ~5pm and that seemed (as it often does) to motivate Jen to get going. She hasn't actually left yet, but ibetcha she get out, w/Hailey, in the rc next haffan hour. I rilly AM such a bum.. wanting my sweet girls to take off so I can perv on some different skin. But.. perving on the familiar skin.. well that'd be completely unacceptable, so let's all try to consider ourselves fortunate that I've got this nearly harmless outlet. Oh crap. Slashettes coming to my city.. next weekend. I don't know how I can possibly miss the op to go see them, @ the same time, I don't know how I could ever make it work. Um, I don't think I can make it work. It's nearly unimaginable how.. the deception. And the purpose of the deception. I can't let it prey on my mind
Shit I can't see how to keep it off my mind. I've got a week to hatch a plan and get Jen's approval.
Okay, hombre.. the albatross.
Yeah, there's one for the funny how shit worx out dept.
I can't believe that you'd even consider this meet.
Hmmph, obviously you don't know me.
This can't be a good thing. Whether you're..
Over it?
Yeah, whether you're over .. and I know you're not and that makes the event even crazier. Plus that thing about the HUGE damn lie it'll take to get your feet out the door. Why would you want to tread that path? You don't care about Jen's feelings @ all.
Well, she's not going to give her permission if I ask.
Hell, I'm not going to give you permission if you ask.
Oh, it's like that.
It has to be.
Yeah, there's a load of dissembling to be done.
Not enough drugs in the world.
No I suppose not, but damn, buddy.. imean I want to meet.. Wil, especially.
Yeah, I'm sure. Maybe she can teach you some geometry.
I'm going to put the Ambien in.
That sounds like a fine idea. The dope's not necessary and it's not going to change anything.
Dude, it's a fresh load of guilt.
I guess you thought we'd run out or something, eh.
Yeah, I musta.
This is fixin' to be a really really long week.
Don't even think about it. There's no chance that the op will materialize and.. if it does, you should pass as a token of good faith. You DO want some good faith 'tween you and your spouse don't you?
So.. in the piece that is or will get inserted relative above, I was trying to get an in on the albatross story. And I think that one worx out w/me giving Stephen Covenant to read.
The dopes' rushd infffffffffffffffffffffffffffff jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jklp;
Well, -I- think that's pretty interesting. My best guess izzat I .. well I really DON'T know whether it's some odd indicator that the malicious interface "lost some text due to my faulty save when I shut the box down or whether it's simply sloppy shit I sat down as the drugs kicked in before I did the faulty save. I'm pretty sure, tho' that when I put the machine on standby when I headed for bed I did not do a proper save. And then I did kinda the same thing when I left school today. I have or .. yeah.. there's a Word file on my desktop @school .. I've alluded to it and maybe even pasted it in where it seemed to fit .. anyhow, I had it open today and when I shut that machine down, I had three or four items open or running.. the pdf version of Covenant, MediaPlayer, Gmail, the mentioned file.. and I simply told it to shut down and didn't think about the Word file 'til it prompted me to save changes and by the time I moved to acknowledge that, the box was closed. So I don't know what that's going to look like MonAM and of course I don't have a clue what was save or lost. But I chided myself for NOT moving the file to the j'drive, already, and I had it w/me today. I s'pose that's the daily update. I've sorta gotten my mind around the idea that there's no way to get to see the slashettes; I'm nearly certain the familial unit will be taking a park day when those grrls are in town. My girls went out and I sat in the smurf or around three hours. Jen came back in a pissy mood, that's not likely to change soon. And this isn't going to speed up the desired shift. Nevertheless, I'm acting like I've got or am having a typing emergency. I know that I should be working on the untend or something that is or seems useful but ibetcha we all know the second verse to that song. I'm a bum and I can't help it. Okay, I could but I won't or don't and ..
Yeah, I think we get the picture.
I've got an experiment for ya.
Yeah?
Yeah, get your meds in and try tackling the albatross story in a frame.
Damn, that sounds scary as hell.
I didn't mean to suggest that it would be easy.
Or fun.
A couple of program notes.. I am not looking forward to the experiment and the very nature of said experiment pretty much assures that Jen will interrupt more than twice. That said, let's watch for the clock and get the meds in.
1) the albatross.. okay first y'hafta appreciate the ref to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner and if yer hip to that then the rest of this tale is much facilitated.
2) stop the clock the first interrupt lasts for two minutes. So I was saying the albatross, my tale of woe and guilt is.. damn four years old, feels like a hundred and
3) is as fresh as yesterday. Memory what a bitch it can be. There's .. yeah something and this is going about as well as I thought it could. Tess.
4) I guess that's the term I need to get out the celebrated authoress, Ariel, Martha. And my foolish and deliberate involv
5) involvement.. somethinglike that. I got deeply madly infatuated and it has to be termed that way because it was a one way street. I may hafta to break this off before I can really get rolling because I don't know if I can form words and thought on
6) the topic still. And that's what flips me out. I can verbalize this thing, sort of but it starts w/learning about Price and then takes that
7) flashback thing .. yeah, I' pretty sure I missed a minute in the 5 line. Oh well it doesn't matter a whole lot. I think we can all tell that this is not going well.
8) so, Feb 04 I got involved w/Price and the celebrated authoress. It was that way. The work drew me to her.
9) I can sometimes find the line in ink where I realize that I'd started, consciously, down a dangerous path and chose to keep going.. knowing that neither ink nor whatever
10) I thought I was writing about would "fill the hole" I felt in my .. heart I guess. That seems to be what happened. I went in hoping
11) to get something that I was missing. I'm not sure I can or would name that thing that stuff that ness I thought I needed or wanted.. hoped to get..
12) but working w/her felt so good, so satisfying.. and still does. That's the thing that makes this tale especially woeful I'm still trying to get
13) some unnamable ness from.. yeah. What a mess. And it got worse and I don't see that it's gotten a whole lot better.. except that the weirdness
14) did get me some good meds and brought to the fore some maybe serious psycho problems .. or maybe as Glynda says, my
15) mental illness is only a crutch, the meds.. the diagnosis.. the therapy.. all shams to attract attention.. that attention is what I seek.. think I need to fill that hole. ding

Then it seemed prudent to make a fresh frame and I did that before going to bed. I guess I did the edit run and save before getting under the mask, too; I really don't remember.. and I'm not fixin' to read the stuff I set on the way out, either. The albatross thing has been on my mind too much and finding out that the slashettes are coming to town has certainly exacerbated that ..awful ness in all the very predictable ways. So, I'm taking advantage of the girls being out.. MY girls.. for ten hours or so to drink up the cognac Bethamber gave me. And I s'pose I'm pleased to announce that I am drunk @237pm. Jen and Hailey have been gone ONLY about an hour. My aim was to get plowed and over it before they got home, so.. maybe THAT aim will be realized. The bottle, the remainders of a pint, is drained and buried in the trash. I'm gonna optimistically figure that by 330pm I'll have consumed all the whisky and start on the getting sober part of this experiment. This experiment IS a whole lot more fun than the one I hatched and performed (poorly) last nite. It hurts to admit that I fell in love w/MarthaTessAriel and hurts even more to cop to not being over it four or five HUNDRED years later.
Yeah. So then I went and put something LIKE that whine up @ the Gblog. I'm thinking that in the AM, after I do the obligatory smurf, I'll start putting the em jour on LJ. Maybe back up to messin' w/the geek saga and move forward in five or six page chunks after that.. no particular reason, except that I haven't been sending it out to the posse for a few weeks and.. I'd like to see if there are any commentors out rcthere still. Of COURSE it's a vain Ken move, ALL the posting, mailing, posing is vain Ken stuff. I haven't done it for a while and I miss it. And I have't done it for a while.. well, I think it got stale and then it got hard to face. I don't know for a fact that's what happened, I don't actually recall details of when or why I ceased ending out weekly posts and I haven't done much for reading except for the local and sorta socalled timely ed runs; but I think somethinglike that musta happened. I s'pose I'll learn more about me and how the psychosis has been playing out when I start getting the chunks ready for the LiveJournal.. something to look forward to, I'm sure. I reckon I'll have to browse the sent mail spot to get a handle on when and where I stopped the irregular sends. AND there's girls in the driveway! Morrison and co are not yet done infiltrating the tunes files.. I guess I'm a prophet. The selection in the dark as the gals dash back out to take the pal back to Splendora is The Conversation. Thanx, Joni. She says she keeps him guessing.. Ah Jo.. pervin' on your galpal's man. I should be in bed, for sure. But I'm checking out the k'board in my lap. I could get used to it in ways that other k'boards have not, um, felt quite write. Which is not to suggest that the li'l wireless job I've got under my fingers is an ideal tool.. but it's very friendly; it feels like it WANTS to be in my lap.
I don't know if I told y'all.. I stayed up ALL night and got the untend tended before going back in MonAM. It's prog reps comin' up this week as we head into Spring Break. I guess I did some good.. got most of the stuff I've been hoarding for a few weeks knocked out.. everything but a couple of assignments.. but it'll be okay. I made the choices for what I wanted to measure and it looks like a good, fair, sample. And there's still enough to keep the heat on the slackers that need heating. I think, but won't swear that I'll get to bed by 930pm or thereabouts. It'll be interesting to watch. Oh, remembered to pull the stuff destined for this file off the school's desktop; it's still on the j'drive. I got kinda skittish about keeping the live spew on the j'drive, last week, so the file I use rchere also sits on the local desktop. I back it up irregularly to the j'drive.. every couple of days or so. And since I mentioned it, ttto Tangled up in Blue, I'll take care of that li'l detail relatively now.

I'm ready to have a really.. not fab day. The maniac wants to be a badass and in the sometimes rotten school environment, that's a helluva risk. I chipped a haffa chill pill before I left the house and I was ready for another half by the time I got into the classroom. Second period is in rcnow and.. I'm not feeling good about the chances of getting thru' to lunch w/out comin' crossways @ one my li'l attitude cases. And there's no i'net, the service isn't working.. yet (2nd per) and that raises the specter of leaving the mean third to walk a suspect attendance sheet around to the office. I think my roster's changed since es dub ran the copy twenty days ago. This is a particularly nasty lessay insidious anxious.. edgy. Yay, the 'net came up. Third is in and loud. But the net came up so I can move this scrap out of the spot @ the top of my Necklace doc. and into the more familiar compost hole in the G spot. It DOES look like the mean third will get in and out w/out leaving any blood on the walls. Today, I'm counting that as a favorable sign, three or four of them have turned in their assignment.. due end of class today.. more will not. Fourth will be a freakin' oasis compared to this bunch. Fifth is never bad except for the length of that class. I'll be much annoyed if everyone in that group doesn't finish this work. Of course many won't beause some never do. I'm trying not to get drowsy after the lunchin' break.. oh, I've got some chocolate in my drawer! It prob'ly won't take more than a couple of chunks to alter my attitude significantly. Oh poot, I knew, when I left thisAM that we'd have a meeting after school and I forgot to bring the clipboard. That's going to make that little episode seem to take a lot longer than necessary and it's going to start off longer than necessary.

get the date in.. 3-5-09.. It'll take some searchin' huntin' and readin' to figure out if what's in the relative above has already been moved into the oh nine doc. I'd bet it has, but well, that's the opener. I'm determined to have a good day if I hafta to medicate severely. I truly kinda sorta wish I'd brought the j'drive(s) but I didn't and it's prob'ly JUST as well 'cause that'd keep me playing the way I want to.. putting strings on the screen. I did bring both "working" ink docs. I don't expect to be in either, tho'. It's more likely that I'll be playing in the untend than inking lines.. and neither is predicted. I've got g'notes out but nobody's writing back. I'm thinking George may have taken a day. "Gelita" may not be able to reach her machine.. I won't pretend to make excuses for.. Ariel. It's definitely past socalled time to cut that albatross loose.
Heh, are you JUST getting around to that?
Don't judge.
No, rilly, dude.. this could be important. Four years after the tragic fact you're nearly ready to..
Get over it.
I'd like to believe you, but I think it's the Lorazepam talking.
Yeah, that seems nearly likely.
Think you'll ever be ready to talk about that shit.. imean beyond the telling of the tale?
Um, that's a toughie.. a real poser. Sometimes, y'know, I think I'd like to be able to get deep into the discuss w/another air breather.. but what ARE the chances when I can't seem to do the delve when it's JUST you and me?
I'm having a hard time believing that I can't raise any traffic in the g'spot.
That is nearly amazing.
Hey, Ariel, bless her heart did send a note. The "mean third" has come in for about an hour annahaf.
That oughta be something to look forward to.
Yeah, I'm sure. Do a quick count .. looks like 18 in the room, 8 that may be on task.. and given the terms of the fake assignment I've given, prob'ly four, I bet not more than five of the others, will earn the zero that can't be made up.
Ariel suggested that I send a note to Wil.. I did, but haven't gotten a reply, yet. I was hoping that she'd send me a clean copy of Covenant to browse during the "self-imposed" down-time today.
Short converses w/my floor prince indicate that there's a large amount of absenteeism among the faculty today. I figger George is in that group, maybe 'gelita, too. Oh well, Lunch, which is slated for an HOUR oughta be a quiet affair, prob'ly only me and Stephen. Yup, a VERY quiet affair, Stephen didn't show. Thirty or forty min into the solitude, tho', somekinda ruckus erupted in the cafeteria and that bit of bullshit shortened the lunch. THEN.. then those asswipe powers that wannabe decided to shorten what was left of the OTHER scheduled hour-long lunch.. but since instead they went to 6th period and around that socalled time Wil sent me a clean pdf version of Covenant, life was grand again. RCnow, the 7th p group is in and almost everyone in the room is on task. Yay.
Hey, got thru' yesterday pretty well.. very well, I reckon.. until RIGHT before bedtime when Ariel told me the slashettes were coming to my city. It's something.. I'm inclined to blame the dilemma on my bipolar ness, but it's really a matter of fidelity and being a partner and not being such a bum. But I can't imagine NOT going to see those gals and the duplicity, the deception, the hoops I'd have to jump thru' to make that happen are similarly unimaginable.

damn it quits being early so quick. I wonder if I maybe iota medicate before I.. yeah, I probably should. The min before kids rush in rushed by and 1st period is in. They seem .. subdued. I like that, I'd like to think it's a trend that would continue @ least 'til 4th comes in. And w/a little somethinglike luck, the bells would shorten 3rd by ten or fifteen min.
As for ME.. I'm starting to feel okay. I napped for a couple of hours after grading the pitifully small bit of make up work I took in yesterday.. stayed down for three or four hours.. got up for about an hour annahaf and got coffee and costume ready for thisAM.. took an Ambien and slept the rest of the night.. did NOT want to get up and get going. It's much better now. I was thinking it was going to be a low attendance day, but those hopes have been dashed.
I've still got one assignment that hasn't been graded.. it'll get done, maybe get some of them on the books tonight, I'm not counting it as a zero, yet, so them that gets it will see a benefit mostly, but it's not hurting anyone where that grade hasn't hit yet.

This is so not encouraging, every little task seems to be overwhelming the machine.. and I don't the see the stuff I'm sure I set yesterpm. Lemme go check and see if it's in the other file..
Yeah.. it wasn't. I don't how that happens. Maybe my fix isn't as good as I thought it was. I'd been having trouble saving crap to the j'drive and it seemed prudent to set the oh nine doc on the desktop.. for some reason, it seems more stable.. anyhow.. for a few days I've been thinking stuff wasn't "sticking" to the screen.. like I know I filled a few lines below the insert yesterpm.. mainly discourse about eh need to hunt down.. well whatever. It's gone. I'm going to suppose that I'm going to hafta do frequent saves for a while, like I'd gotten used to doing w/the dinosaur I abandoned. Oh well and whatever. Every change takes some getting used to, I guess it helps you recognize the change ness. It's elevenpm, the Ambien's in. I'm going to see about teaching the kids about Know the Code t'morrow. I wrote a few puzzles, this pm. Yay. I'm doing the save and clicking thru' some dism before I fade.

Ttto After Midnight.. it's Thupm.. going to be Fri in the AM.. for all intents and purposes, Spring Break starts tomorrow. I'm expecting to have a pretty good day. I got the kids going on Know the Code today and they.. most of 'em, seem like they're into it so that's what I've got on tap for all classes again. The second part of this lesson ought to be less chalk talk and more independent practice. Of course, before any of that good stuff can happen, I've got to spend some hours under the mask.. behind the gates of slumberland. I'll load up the Ambien in a little bit, but it doesn't seem likely that I'll be moving bedward before elevenpm. That's getting much too regular, and then I need to grab a nap when I come home from school. Of course, for a week or so, that's really not an issue, yay! In the relative now, as Cortez winds thru' that exquisite intro, I'm trying much too hard not to get tensed when I hear my sweetie's voice. That's the single thing I hate most about my psychosis.. and I do think it's the madness, this "phase" where there's nothing in the world that bugs me as much as hearing her talking to me. Okey dokey, the coffee's ready, the costume's ready, that leaves only the cats' box before I'm ready to be ready to move t'wards bed.. well, the box and jammies. I reckon I'm ready to input the sleep aid, that could get me into bed a few min before eleven.. that'd be fine. A framed exercise would be a whole lot of fun, ibetcha.. more than likely, tho', I'll move the streamin' funs to the Auspicious doc or maybe the big n'book. I think some ink action really is more suited to the slow settle I'm trying to produce. The rapid compost is lotsa fun, but it's not especially conducive to getting to sleep. Plus, I want to have my stuff disconnected from the machine.. security reasons.
Hmmm. It took quite long enough to get into the file. The joy of being home is fading fast. Jen was on the phone when I came in and.. I guess the girl simply has to talk all the time she's awake. Um, so I got too quickly to that place where I don't want to hear her. I s'pose I should have anticipated that and medicated appropriately. It's prob'ly not too late to get a piece of a chill pill in.. I'll go for the half. I had an "episode" @ school. A couple of kids playing in the room @ the beginning of 7th got me primed and then I went off on one when I couldn't get her focused. Things smoothed out, tho', but I shoulda known that I would be ready to quit liking being home too soon to suit. Several things I could have done differently might have prolonged the buzz of getting away from the school. I noticed the I was kinda craving the spit and I should have put some gum in; I didn't and that bit of tense preceded the seventh period outburst and I reckon could have been a precipatory factor. Man.. I've got no sense @ all; it's cold and I had a bowl of cake and ice cream.. sherbet, actually.. nevertheless, now I'm plenty damn cold. The heat's running and I've got a good potto coffee; I'll be fine. My right hand is so cold it hurts, but I'd noticed that and even mentioned it Jen before I had the cake and sherbet. Ah crap, a yawn. Less than haffan hour after putting he chill in. I don't care THAT much. Maybe the girls will take off for a while (unlikely w/the weather sucking so hard) and I and hit the smurf for a while. DAMN! More yawns, this is out of control.. plus being cold. I'm going to wind up crawling under some covers to get a nap. That would be sorta grand; I know for a fact that I'd get "my spot" under the comforter warm and cozy in a heartbeat. I'm really having a hard time w/the yawning. And it's so puzzling, I guess I'm run down a bit. I don't recall the chillin' Lorazepam ever hitting so quickly. ANOTHER yawn, give me a break. Well, when I went to fetch the cuppa refill, Jen mentioned looming trips but I've got a feeling I'm going to have to get horizontal before the girls can find their way out. I'm willing to do that.. kinda helping all us along the trail.
Yeah, I got snuggled in and they got gone for a short while. I've got msWin on the line, trying to see if they an get me a fix for the suddenly not working cd player. The machine says the driver's been corrupted or something and I'm hoping the Win folk will run a clean one in for me. it could happen. I figured that's kinda what they were there for. Meanwhile.. the online them seem to be running the slowest ever scan of my machine. If they report back w/some bullshit list of crap they consider essential and DON'T catch that bad driver I will be much disgusted. I mean rilly, folk, what IS the point if you're not going to find the actual problem that brought me to the quack site in the first place? I'm already not pleased w/their insistence that I undo some of the tweaks I initiated to get this box running a bit faster. Um, they've been running their long-distance scan for ten or fifteen min. I am so very not encouraged by the lack of speed and progress. I can see that this process, which I tried to avoid in the first place, is going to take much longer than I imagined. I goin' to guess that I'll have to leave it doing it's stoopid shit scan and go to bed. Jen will not be pleased to find the machine up when I'm not, and I'm not going to like telling her that I've got a problem.. even if it does get fixed nearly easily, simply the idea that I'm have woes w/a device she already doesn't like is a mess I don't want to wade into.
Speaking of messes I don't want.. I'm going to try.. actually I am trying to download a driver to "fix" the bad one. I guess we'll all find out more or less together how this trick works. It's going to take more that a little luck, I think, but I feel pretty lucky. It looks like I dealing w/Symantec on this deal, and it's free.. that sorta make me get a tiny bit optimistic.
I'm goin' to shut the g'spot and I'll be write back. Okay, not WRITE back, nothing moves nearly quickly enough, especially since I already loaded the sleep aid. There's a note from txmic and I didn't see the.. tag.. 'til I was already committed to minimizing the box. I'll ease back over to the relative there and see what's up, THEN close it. I'm trying to draw Michele into the odd ness, I want to hear some of her stories. I definitely need a larger sample of psychotics than I see in Carter, Stephen and my'elf, that was completely uncalled for, and yet, there it is on the screen, the drugs are in, how long to you want to try to pretend that something that maybe could be cobbled for recognition will go on? As for me, I'm merely letting the linecount run up or down, depending on yer perspective, and figgering there'll be a mell of a hess to clean out .. whenever, yeah, it could get done by the socalled time that the 'grafs find their holes and the fence gets stood up.
Don't mock me w/my own voice. Ooh, Guns and Roses going slow.
Yeah, we've got some surprisingly fab tunes loaded in annit's SUCH a shame that no more will get in 'til I figure out how to get the sick driver back on board. Um, need a quick executive decision.. shall we hit more spit on the way to the bedward stroll or not? I pick spit, Moving along, w/out reading or reading.
Hey, what's that about?
It's about moving forward.
I wanted to get topical.
Too bad, there's neither will nor socalled time. Heh, you're the master of neither.
I'm counting the yawns again; I can have you stumbling towards the bed in five or six min.
That sounds about write, it'll be oneAM.
Try to remember to hit the Advair, the mouthwash and maybe the cats' box on the way out.
I think I can handle that.
49pages. I wanted that on this line.
Done.
It looks like the Auspicious doc is about to bust 50 pages.
Dude, Auspi is bumpin' on 64 inked pages. THIS doc is oh nine.
Yay! And it looks like there's a butt load of cleaning to be done in the relative above dozen or so lines.
It's an occupational hazard. I think y'oughta stroll or scroll, ttto Old Man.. up around to p 12 and plot the next LJ post.
SunAM, I've got a load of cleaning to do in the relative this text. It might get done. I'm feeling.. like I'm stating a slide. Usually that doesn't last long. I expect that it's tied to knowing that the slashettes are probably going to come and go w/out me even exchanging notes w/them, much less getting a meet in. Deep down inside, I know it's better that way, but.. yeah, but.

Oh y'like anxiety? how 'bout me trying to set up the slashette meet. Hoping to commit atrocities against my holy covenants.. wish me luck. I figure I'll call Jen in about haffan hour and find out wuzzup. they left in the truck and i woulda thought they'd take the car. I don't know how they're scheduling anything, they may have dashed to get "stuff" before taking off for Beaumont. I kinda expected that Sara would've gotten to the relative here noonish or so, but it's a quarter 'til 2pm and.. well, the chance to slip WILL get away. Of course it would be VERY bad form and bad FOR me if I dashed to the airport and they came back to get the car. That bust is NOT an option, I'll call in a bit and see wuzzup.
They DID come back to get the car and by that time, I was in phoney commune w/Ariel and she rang in while the trade was in progress SOOOOO, tho' I prob'ly COULD have dashed out to the airport to see her, I didn't. And, similarly, even tho' the window was WIDE open, I didn't get to see Wil, Sil or Nan. That bites. oh well, eh, them's the breaks.

So.. crap! MonAm @ 238AM, that's nearly unforgiveable. Oh well (there's one I'm getting plenty tired of), @ least the Ambien's in. I've got nine pages of ohh nine ready to go up and be ignored @ the LJ. I s'pose that in some twisted way, that's something to look forward to. Anyhow.. I'll be bedward soon and, maybe back on the writing trail five six hours after that. The slashettes.. yeah, they came and went, passing astoundingly close to the window of opportunity which slammed shut JUST as I was thinkin' I'd wriggle thru'. Prob'ly for the best, eh. I almost can't believe it's still on my mind. Almost. AND, on that note, I'm switching back to the ink stream 'til I deem it's socalled time to get under the mask.
Happy Mon, for another five or six min. Put the Ambien in and then we need to see about getting the whine, including this mention, of or about missing the slashettes off the screen.
May I suggest the paper eater as a way to get the screen cleared inna hurry?
OR, there's always the frame thing.
Yeah, I've got a clean one and a spare.
Let's do that.
The frame?
Yeah, we'll drop down into it in JUST a couple of clicks.
Yep, I think it'll be JUSTabout midnite when the festivities begin.
C'mon Dave, give me a break.
1) Unchained. Yeah, I'd like to think so, but it's more like Lennon's Watching the Wheels. I.. I'm fine.. been eating chill pills
2) like M&Ms all day, but I'm good. The dope's kept the anger and associated wild ness at bay and I'm bedward having gotten nods from readers @ A Muse and..and crap I think I missed my mark.
3) readers @ A Muse and @ my "new" G blog. The G blog is a real trip.. got an audience of one, it's the gal
4) I discovered when I googled in "bipolar funs" a couple or three months ago. There were some strong geographic ties.. it was so
5) alarmingly random that the wide search would bring me another "writer" in my on backyard. I can't tell that she's actually reading s
6) the stuff I'm posting, but it's good to have a tiny little community. I really would like to build up some trust w/the gal
7) and compare stories.. how did you come to realize that you had "this affliction" and how long did it take to get "under control?"
8) my own story focuses, by necessity on the very public meltdown and then gets weird
9) isay, often, that my previous experience w/a shitload of recreational drugs made it easy for me to recognize
10) that my brain chemistry was severely whacked. I'd spend more
11) than a couple of years making light-hearted jokes about my bad brain chemistry and when the hammer came down it sure enough smacked
12) the livin' shit out of me. Ultrafast rapid cycling.. racing up the mount of manic immortality
13) then slippin' down below the whale shit @ the bottom of the ocean six or ten times a day. It was brutal.
14) zzzzzzzzi .. praise God, I had the
15) good sense to start the medic wheels in motion and had Jen in my corner working the insurance angle since there was NO WAY that I coulda held those converses.

Was that last night? It's Wed.. no, Tue.. trash day. I've been following Jen thru' stores for four annahaf hours. I don't think I uttered a sight of discontent the whole time but I kinda think when she talks about it it'll sound as if I was bitchin' about being dragged along the whole way. Maybe not. I think iota get another quarter of the chill pill in, tho, JUST for good measure. I'd tempted to go for the half, but .. let's see. The quarter's usually quite enough and the dope's NOT fixin' to run out.
NOW it's Wed.. 130AM. Jen's not happy 'cause nobody's showing any signs of getting to bed. To my credit, I guess, I've put the Ambien in and there's the first yawn. I s'pose iota be movin' this act to the page and let the ink stream carry me t'wards the gates of slumberland. I figger there's an average chance that I'll have an op to sit and play for a while after the chemical nap.

Woes.. not actual hurtful stuff, but inconveniences that make me feel harried. Make a list: first is getting used to the feel of the nice new wireless k'board. I tend to not tap the spacebar quite hard enough, of course, the k'board on the laptop this device replaces/services (heh slash servcies) is hyper sensitive, I guess that's a fair trade.
The cd reader/player conked out. The device manager tells me the driver is missing or corrupted. I'm guessin' that means corrupted somehow since it was working fine for a while. Working on the notion that there's a driver "out there" that I can download for free, I've put some feelers out on tech boards. Toshiba was no help w/the two I got from them.. wrong apps. The cd thing bugs me 'cause I was loading abuncha stuff onto MediaPlayer.. but I've noticed that there's not enough memory to go around if I've got MediaPlayer and the G spot open. I've always known that the google page is a memory hog.. all that continuous updating and.. stuff. If I dare have Word open, too, I can JUSTabout count on having buckets of trouble, the least of which is taking MINUTES to shift from one task to another.
There's something weird going on w/my Word.. or my j'drive.. I think it's the j'drive, but it seems to be affecting both of 'em.. and i've only used the 4gig for back up. But when I'm doing edit tasks or generally shuffling text between docs, I'll get ready to save and get a message about being "unable" to save because of some permission thing. So far, the only things "lost" have been dism docs, but it can't be a good thing. The workaround seems to be to save the doc I'm tinkering w/to the desktop and work w/that version then to a "save as" to move it back to the j'drive.
And then there's the usual thing about feeling neglected and abandoned by "my readers." Okay, part of that IS my fault; I quit sending out the irregular posts from the em journal around the time the geek saga got shifted to Confessions... But response had been waning, it seemed to me, so the psychotic decided to quit spamming my buddies. It was a unilateral decision. AND around that time I started putting some stuff @ my Google blog. That was prob'ly the last bitto "news" I shared w/the slashettes. It was one of those "kismet fits." I'd googled in "bipolar funs" and got directed to a two-year-old post @ a Google blog and the authoress turned out to be a 50-something woman in K'wood.. I reckon I've posted haffa dozen times trying to get or hold her interest, but I can't tell that she's reading the Ken @ all. So I put some stuff up @ A Muse. I read sixty entries back on my Friends' page, but didn't leave a single comment.
So.. that kinda stuff makes me think I'm flirting w/depression and of course, when I look @ how long so MANY of these behaviors and reactions have persisted, I've gotta think that this is or has been somekinda record setting string of days/weeks "off my feed," since as I've oft sed, my dep rounds are usually measured in HOURS.
There was more.. but Tess, imean Ariel ..dinged in and sent me some good angsty fic to browse.. maybe get a good weep; I requested it. And Jen came up behind me and said (in her best travel anxious voice) I can't believe that you're sitting there doing nothing. So I got up and did STUFF for a while. I can't tell it's made either us feel better or more agreeable. Them's the breaks, eh. My current inclination is to set the most recently ignored G blog post @ A Muse.. where it can be similarly ignored. And while I'm @ it, how 'bout pickin' a more or less random spot to clip the venerable oh nine doc and send it out to the usual suspects. That really sounds like more bother than I want to deal w/presently.
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peace and hope
-km-