how it is

So, it's like this.. School's ending; iota be completely checked out 'til abut Aug in ten days. Actually, I'm "involved" in a project that will keep me in touch w/a few of my faculty peers a couple of times over the summer BUT I won't be seeing the kids for.. several weeks. I'll run mainly manic and loving it thru' exams 'cause I get such a buzz being w/the stoonts. Then I'm likely to crash. Okay, then I'm GOING to crash. I can watch and medicate.. kinda smooth the jagged edges, but it's sort of a payback for being so "high" for so long. I'm already kinda precariously perched on the precipice, I can SEE that yawning maw beckoning. Best case scenario: I get some time this weekend, early AM maybe Sat and Sun.. to rack up some good weeps working on Ariel's pt4.. wet my cheeks real good a few times to ease the psychic tension. I already know that despite doing some really good work in some really good text, I'm going to feel completely worthless and generally unworthy; it's something to look forward to, I reckon.
Exams are a weird time.. the sked's all funked up and if I don't eat the Lorazepam like M&Ms I'm likely to "go off" on some poor kid simply for not getting settled quckly enough. I hate behaving so irrationally, but y'know how it is.. I don't SEE it thataway until much later, sometimes not until I'm reviewing the day on the way to slumberland, and THEN what are y'gonna do about it.
SOOOOO, what's my point? There ARE no real triggers. I work in a highly charged environment everyday and the stress SHOULD be less during exams.. f'sure there OUGHT to be less sress during the summer, but that's when I'm most prone to "extended" bouts of depression.. yeah, I've got to put that in quotes, 'cause for me, past two days is extended and sometimes I'll get in that rotten rut for a week a COUPLE of times during the summer.. more crap to look forward to. No triggers, it's a freakin' cycle, albeit irregular, cued (I think) mainly to routines of diet, sleep, and exercise - - which ALL come unravelled during the break. I see this same kind of shit @ Christmas; you should see some of the melancholy bits I've rolled out as the long breaks deepen.
Watch for the "brittle," as I call it, and help me along, eh. Thanks in advance for your continued support.

peace and hope
-km-