i'll come back to THIS

I s'pose that not many folk not wearing my pants realize HOW MUCH socalled time I spend writing.. prob'ly about as much as I do reading.. maybe more. Today, I've spent more time on the former. And I have a job I love (teaching). Oh yeah.. so I write. One of the "projects" I've been playing @ has been kinda hamstrung lately.. "blocked" as the edit THEY say in THEIR vernacular by trying to tell what I call my "albatross story."
The essence, which I must get set so I can get on w/the details of the telling, izzat five years ago, while working w/a colleague on one of her FABULOUS fics, I, um.. sort of fell in love w/the celebrated authoress. During the year-long completely sexless affair, there was never any unprofessional touching and, indeed, I rationalized my involvement w/the line, "it's all about the work." It wasn't. AND when she (and her husband) left the area, as we knew they would when work started on the fic.. the first of SEVERAL which I had the great joy of working w/her on.. um.. when she left, I sort of fell apart. Okay, "sort of fell apart" is kinda disingenuous. The separation anxiety in the wake of her departure (and my "guilt," which kept me from telling my sweet wife why I was suffering so..) brought on a crippling round of ultrafast rapid cycling. Running for weeks w/almost no sleep and finding my excrutiating/exhuberantly extended waking stretches punctuated irregularly by "crazily" manic DAMN this feels so great episodes and suddenly weepy why do I feel so bad moments. I was scaling the heights and plumbing the depths, sometimes, four or five times an HOUR. It didn't take awfully long to realize that I needed some serious help..which I sought and got. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Timing is EVERTHING. If I had waited as much a week before getting appropriately medicated, I could not have reported for work @ the the start of the relative next school year.. immean THINK about it.. facing a room fulla kids looking HARD for your weaknesses and ALL you can present is weakness and the fragility of a thin crust of shakily propped faked confidence. Nope.. couldn't do it, not and live to tell about it.

peace and hope
-km-